Is it needy to go to a bar and socialize with new people?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 08, 2018 1:43 AM GMT
    Just fact checking for 2018: but I'm needing to know, does it seem needy or thirsty to go to a bar alone and just chat up random people and possibly exchange numbers?

    I get mixed reactions these days. Some people seem very loosey goosey about it, where as others will do it, but it always seems like I'm having to force a repeat meet or hang out again. And I hate that. If we exchange numbers, shouldn't there be some effort on both parts to hang?

    Or rather, am I pushing it too soon? Should I get their number and then just never hit me up until I bump into them again, and just act all fake and phony like everyone else does?

    The other thing is, I'm not pushing for HOOKUP when i get someone's number. I just be genuinely trying to network and socialize with no intent on going home with them. Just making friends. But my past few club meets have turned into something sexual, and I'm really trying hard to change the way I do things when I meet new guys at the club, as that hookup 99% always turns into a 1 night thing...which I'm just looking for friends and and connections with dating potential lol.
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    Feb 08, 2018 4:48 AM GMT
    Stop caring so much about what other people think and just live the life you want.
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 2114

    Feb 08, 2018 5:31 PM GMT
    Gay men used to go to bars to meet guys. Gay publications used to advise that if you want to meet a guy you should go to the bar alone, or ditch your friends as soon as you get there to make yourself more approachable.

    Today, most gay men don't go to bars to meet guys. They go to hang out with their friends. That doesn't mean they don't want to meet anyone; it just makes them more difficult to approach. It's also more difficult for them to respond to you, because their friends are watching, and they're likely to feel insecure about showing interest in a new guy that their friends haven't approved of yet.

    It's never "needy" to socialize. There's nothing wrong with going to a bar by yourself and striking up a conversation with a guy you'd like to meet. But given that meeting a guy is probably not his primary reason for going to the bar, you're better off trying to find some common ground, having a conversation about something that interests both of you, and establishing a mutual rapport before asking for his number and suggesting you hang out together. In a perfect world, maybe your conversation would lead to a specific event or activity you can plan to do together - because a non-specific "let's hang out" always sounds like "let's fuck".

    If you're waiting for a call from a guy you exchanged numbers with - don't. They won't call. Ever. Even if they really, really like you and think about you all day long. They won't. That's just the way it is. You have to be the one to make the call.

    As for guys only wanting a hookup when you want to make friends, yeah, that's just the way it is too. There's an awful lot of hay in the haystack, and not so many needles. But have fun while you're looking.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 08, 2018 11:38 PM GMT
    I exclusively do this when I go out. Well, I'm not looking for anything period when I do this, so that is different from you. All I'm looking for is temporary conversation for the night.

    My reasoning is that I got tired of friends telling me no when I would want to do something, so f em...

    So, problem solved. No expectations leads to no let downs. I even do this when I go out of town. I go alone and I'll make temporary friends for the weekend and that is it; I never see them again. *shrugs*
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 09, 2018 6:47 AM GMT
    Bars and clubs setting are not great places to have a long term relationship or friendship. I mean, it happens but very few.
    Most of the gay guys are there to hang out with their girlfriends, hags, other gays and it's difficult to talk to a gay guy
    in a group setting. I noticed that if you're solo at the bar, it makes you look vulnerable and approachable which some guy
    will approach you, mostly for sex. I don't do clubs or bars much anymore, I'm on dating apps. The one thing I learned from
    all this gay dating is, just live your life, keep yourself busy and just do your thing. Guys will find it very attractive and they will
    flock to you rather than you putting yourself out there looking kinda easy and desperate. It's like Gay men want what they can't have. icon_biggrin.gif
  • spider

    Posts: 333

    Feb 09, 2018 1:11 PM GMT
    we homo sapians are higher primates who naturally socialize and operate best in social groups
    So its in our nature to meet people and belong to a group. So go clubbing n to bares..its in our dna
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    Feb 09, 2018 2:34 PM GMT
    Tshirtnjeansguy said
    Stop caring so much about what other people think and just live the life you want.

    Good advice. I was discussing this general topic just yesterday, in... a gay bar.

    We use local gay bars to socialize with our friends. And to meet new guys, especially vacationers, who are plentiful here in South Florida.

    Not to cruise them, but answer their questions, help them out here. And to learn about where they live. Right now it's largely guys from the snow belt, who've been getting belted lately, and are seeking refuge down here.

    When I was just coming out, a much later bloomer than you some 23 years ago, I used gay bars & clubs as a place to learn about the life & community. But being older, I was naturally wary of many relationship pitfalls that are universal, whether living straight (as I had been mistakenly doing) or living out.

    So I wasn't hurt by the experience, but rather had a great time. And learned many lessons. Gay bars & clubs are what you make of them, not what they make of you. Stay in charge, and remain skeptical, and you'll do fine.
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    Feb 09, 2018 3:55 PM GMT
    Funny how we live in a culture where socializing means conversing with others through a phone.

    Now the question arises is it needy to actually want to sit in a bar and talk to random people face to face- as if to say this is in some way odd.

    What I still find odd is to walk into a bar and everyone is looking at their phones and never each other.

  • Element1313

    Posts: 153

    Feb 10, 2018 4:38 AM GMT
    Well is comforting to see that this behavior I have been observing is not because I’m over the hill and then some. I haven’t had to try to date in such a long time it has been quite perplexing .


    FuzzyPecs28 saidJust fact checking for 2018: but I'm needing to know, does it seem needy or thirsty to go to a bar alone and just chat up random people and possibly exchange numbers?

    I get mixed reactions these days. Some people seem very loosey goosey about it, where as others will do it, but it always seems like I'm having to force a repeat meet or hang out again. And I hate that. If we exchange numbers, shouldn't there be some effort on both parts to hang?

    Or rather, am I pushing it too soon? Should I get their number and then just never hit me up until I bump into them again, and just act all fake and phony like everyone else does?

    The other thing is, I'm not pushing for HOOKUP when i get someone's number. I just be genuinely trying to network and socialize with no intent on going home with them. Just making friends. But my past few club meets have turned into something sexual, and I'm really trying hard to change the way I do things when I meet new guys at the club, as that hookup 99% always turns into a 1 night thing...which I'm just looking for friends and and connections with dating potential lol.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 13, 2018 3:00 AM GMT
    bro4bro said

    If you're waiting for a call from a guy you exchanged numbers with - don't. They won't call. Ever. Even if they really, really like you and think about you all day long. They won't. That's just the way it is. You have to be the one to make the call.

    As for guys only wanting a hookup when you want to make friends, yeah, that's just the way it is too.


    icon_neutral.gificon_confused.gif Thanks for giving us all negative hope !! icon_redface.gificon_razz.gif