Odd interactions with a married man

  • JohnnyBam

    Posts: 1

    Mar 07, 2018 2:19 PM GMT
    Theres a male friend of mine who is married, hes quite a bit older than me and my family has known his for many years and NO im not after him, but theres things about my interactions with him that i find odd. Im not out to him but lets just say it wouldnt take a rocket scientist to figure out im gay. I will also add hes very religious, I dont know if that will give any insight. I really appreciate his friendship and enjoy hanging out with him, and hes been a great encouragment to me but on most occassions if I ask him to hangout he will immediatley say " Sure! Come over and eat with the family." , or he'll invite me to one of his kids games or to go to a movie with him and one of his kids and i think " I dont want to hang out with you and your kids.".Sometimes we will tentatively plan to hangout on a certain day and when the day rolls around I wait and wait for him to text me but he never does. But the next time I see him he will invite me for a quick bite at a resturant. One example of this was I invited him over to watch a movie and he said something like" yeah, we need some one on one time.", but the day came and he never said he was gunna come and I just let it slide. I was going to see him the next day and I just knew he would invite me for one of those quick lunches, which he did. At the end of the lunch he said " At least we got to hangout for a little bit.". Which basically told me he knew he and I were suppposed to hang out the night before. If we ever do spend any length of time alone, its usually when his wife and kids are out of town. I cant tell if this is purposeful or just because hes bored when theyre gone. I got my own place a few years back and Ive invited him over at least five times and he never would come. Ive asked him a few times to go camping and stuff but he never would plan anything with me, then one time I found out he had no problem going on an overnight trip surfing with a buddy from his highschool days. There was a short period of time when id approach him in public and he would literally brush me off and says things like " arent you supposed to be doing this or taking care of such and such a thing right now?" And one time he even said " Go talk to my wife.", i found that one very odd. There have been times when I was just done trying to maintain friendship with him and after about a month of not talking to him he'd often text me saying how much he appreciates our friendship. On the flipside of not wanting to hangout hes also done and said things I find odd, none of which is overtly sexual but it just seems like hes trying to get a "thrill" in when he can. Like he will say hes going to touch my ass and he has in fact repeatedly poked, pinched and slapped my ass. Hes commented on things about my physical appearance, like my skin. Does anyone think this is odd behavior? Is this guy just a really bad friend and a flake or his he not hanging out with me because he thinks im gay and is uncomfortable being around me? If he does think im gay why would he touch my ass? Do you think he might be gay and if he were to be alone with me he might be tempted? Anyway, those are a few questions I have and maybe I can get some insight on if I should just avoid him alltogether.
  • mybud

    Posts: 14219

    Mar 07, 2018 4:08 PM GMT
    He's a flirty str8 guy that likes the attention. He's not attracted sexually.....It's all about the attention.
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    Mar 08, 2018 1:17 AM GMT
    Sincerely, I would follow my path. For me, it´s like he is playing games.
    I don´t have patience to things or persons like that.
    And I believe you don´t need to maintain it, too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2018 1:21 AM GMT
    He's quite a bit older. He senses that what you want is straying into the gray area between appropriate and inappropriate and he's keeping you at a distance accordingly.

    You need to accept that.
  • Element1313

    Posts: 159

    Mar 08, 2018 1:31 AM GMT
    Please move on. You will wreck his str8 life and that karma will be on you. If he wants to come out someday let it be of his own accord.
  • robcar

    Posts: 5

    Mar 08, 2018 3:37 AM GMT
    You could easily be describing me so let me tell you what this man is thinking. He is in utter conflict when around you. He is attracted to you, on the one hand he wants to be with you very much, he finds you attractive, enticing, enchanting and off limits. He is well aware of the difference in your ages and wishes you were either older or he was younger which would make this so much easier. He married not because of love, but, probably out of duty, it was expected by his parents, his family and many others and by the sounds of it maybe even felt pressured by his religious background.

    He is a married gay man. In public, especially in front of his wife, family and others who know him including your family, he feels the need to continue to show he is str8, this is what is expected and acceptable by the circle of family, friends and colleagues that he is surrounded by.

    I would be careful. He is wishing for a fantasy every time he is with you, but, conflicted because he knows what he is feeling is "wrong" so he is bewildered, doesn't really know what to do, how to proceed and maybe is not sure about how you would react to his "opening up" to you. Would you tell your family who in turn would tell his wife and family which would be devastating to him and them? It could cause in his mind a huge disaster in his world and yet at the same time part of him is crying out to reach out to you on a playing field the two of you 'secretly' share. Secret only because he is not sure about your reaction.

    As I say, this could be me you are talking about. I am a married gay man who felt at 26 lots of pressure from family, friends and church to do the 'normal' thing and get married, have kids and live happily ever after. Happily ever after does not exist for married gay men. They seek ways out of their dilema, ways to satisfy that part of themselves that they have been asked by pressure to deny, to ignore, but, it has a way of surfacing time after time. In this case, it is you that has become his way to satisfy his need to show love toward another man by taking you to lunch or inviting you over when the wife and family are gone etc. He wants you but is afraid it will all backfire on him and so he only goes far enough with you without going TOO far, you know, just in case someone recognises his attraction to you.

    As to the age difference. Ever hear of 80 year old men married to a wife 50 years his junior? Or more commonly couples who's age difference may be 10 to 20 years. Fact is some people are attracted to those older than themselves or much younger and who knows why, 'tis a mystery. For example, I am attracted to a man in my village who is the most amazingly good looking man I have ever seen. I look at a mans face before anything else and if I find the face attractive I will only then check out the rest. If a guy has the best looking body in the world but I deem him ugly by the standards I use then I won't even give him a second look. This man is only 23 yrs old, nearly 40 years my junior and yes I know he could be my eldest grandson, but, I am by nature very attracted to him. I think I am rambling and have made my point. Sometimes it is the opposite. On this site I see young guys making VERY suggestive comments to older men all the time so it is obviously not as strange or abnormal as what our society makes us believe. Basically, you are attracted to whoever you are no matter age and that is something that is simply you.

    You need to decide if you want him to make passes at you, yes, slapping your butt is making a pass at you. Asking you out to lunch is making a pass at you in a very subtle way. You need to let him know if you are feeling uncomfortable with the way he treats you and ask him out right, in private...IN PRIVATE (did I stress that enough?) if he has feelings for you because that is the indication you are getting. If he knows you are gay he may very hesitantly open up to you in the hopes you will let him know it is OK for him to do this OR he may kinda brush it off with a nervous laugh and wave of the hand because he is still not comfortable actually letting you know the truth in case you blab it to someone. A reassurance that what is discussed between him and you will remain between only him and you might ease the tension and make things more comfortable.

    Lastly, do NOT allow this to simply 'play out' by doing nothing. You need to know what is going through his mind, you need to know if he is secretly, in the closet gay for your own peace of mind. Knowing one way or the other will bring clarity for you so you can decide what your next move will be whether that be allowing your relationship with him to deepen or move on and let him know you do not feel the same way. No more guessing, no more being unsure of the motives for why he treats you as he does.

    Wish I could say this will be easy, but, it won't be for either of you. You need to do this, confront him, but, as a long time family friend do it very gently so there are no hard feelings. Try to approach it very matter of fact and take as much emotion out of it as you can.

    Good luck buddy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2018 6:23 AM GMT
    My $.02.

    What do you expect of this relationship? At face value the man is married with kids and straight(?). Even churchie. You are not equipped to deal with a deeply closeted much older man. If that's what he really is. He might just have the impulse to mentor a nice gay boy (you) back into being straight? I really do not recommend the younger/ older dynamic either. I was the young guy with the older "complicated" dudes (all my 20's and 30's) and regret any and all time spent there. Giant disasters. Endless drama and lies. Takes it's toll on ya.

    Find a nice gay man in his 20's to date. Best wishes. Kev