Dating frustration threads?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2009 2:07 PM GMT
    I see that there seem to be alot of these floating around lately. A lot of guys seem to be frustrated with the lack of quality guys out there, or they are tired of being used and abused, or they can only find good guys online who live 1000 miles away.

    I read the threads and I can't help but to feel the need to blame the poster. I look at each and everyones situation as a function of their own control. I think we all control our own destinys. Dating sucks, I know, we have all had our rough times. One of the most attractive qualities one can possess is ability to live their lives to the fullest. I would hate to see anyone missing out on life because they think not having a boyfriend is going to hold them back from something.

    I guess this is sort of my message to all those guys out there who are struggling with the dating scene or their relationships in general. Don't let life control you, control your life.

    (Damn -- I should be a life coach or something!)


    How do you guys react to these type of threads?
  • maximumrisk

    Posts: 799

    Feb 26, 2009 2:45 PM GMT
    Your right, the datingscene is kind of hard, thats why People sometimes need a secound opinion in order to make sure they make the right choice. The problem with choices is that there is no good or bad election. You just have to be able to accept the consequences.

    In the end it wouldn´t be dating if everything works out well every time. Thats boring and bored people search for entertainment in another place.
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    Feb 26, 2009 2:50 PM GMT
    Will you be my life coach? I only live 150 miles away...

    But seriously, you're right. People need to take charge of their life, including their dating scene. It's hard to find quality guys, but they need to work on themselves just as much as they need to go around dating.
  • Mikeylikesit

    Posts: 1021

    Feb 26, 2009 3:05 PM GMT
    People still date??.....LOL......I was told that dating was such 80's...LMAO..icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2009 3:07 PM GMT
    While people need to take control of their lives is a good statement it si also a shallow statement.

    When someoen is datign a person it is also an emotional time. Especially in the begining or end. They need soem comfort or support from friends or total strangers. tehy may be looking for comfort or support depending on thier need. They look here sometimes for second opinions that they are doing the right thing or the wrong thing.

    They look to us and I'm sure other friends and strangers for our supprt. If you are tired of reading them, stop reading them. If you are tired of giving advice don't give it. however I love givign support and advice when I can.

    Last thing to think about. While discussing it here in public, it may also help another in a simular situation. one to afraid to talk about his feelings. One who may truely need the help. We can all learn from each others mistakes. We can all support one another and be a stronger community.
  • OptimusMatt

    Posts: 1124

    Feb 26, 2009 3:24 PM GMT
    I try not to host or attend pity parties. We all get down about this every once in a while, but like seriously - aside from venting your frustrations what is anyone going to tell you other than 'deal with it' in about 50 thousand differing shades of nice?

    When life hands you lemons, make your fucking lemonade. If Mr. Perfect lives 500 miles away, why not try and see if you can make it work.

    *shrugs* You know, I'm a pretty big cynic, but even I can be a dreamer sometimes. I have my 500 mile crushes. I have those lonely nights where I lay in bed and hold my cuddle pillow tightly.

    But no one's going to make that any better. So I deal. Those nights aren't easy, but uh...sooner or later, we all sleep alone.

    *Queen's out* DON'T MAKE NO PROMISESSSSS...

    hahaha
  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Feb 26, 2009 3:31 PM GMT
    I see it as a place for people to vent. We all get frustrated, so people vent it here.
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    Feb 26, 2009 4:14 PM GMT
    Cowboiway saidWhile people need to take control of their lives is a good statement it si also a shallow statement.

    When someoen is datign a person it is also an emotional time. Especially in the begining or end. They need soem comfort or support from friends or total strangers. tehy may be looking for comfort or support depending on thier need. They look here sometimes for second opinions that they are doing the right thing or the wrong thing.

    They look to us and I'm sure other friends and strangers for our supprt. If you are tired of reading them, stop reading them. If you are tired of giving advice don't give it. however I love givign support and advice when I can.

    Last thing to think about. While discussing it here in public, it may also help another in a simular situation. one to afraid to talk about his feelings. One who may truely need the help. We can all learn from each others mistakes. We can all support one another and be a stronger community.


    I definitely understand where you are coming from and agree. I think "relationship" advice is always warranted. I am definitely not being cold with people who are in relationships and having difficulties. I am pointing out more to threads with topics of "The straight boy I am in love with", "I can't find a boyfriend" , "The only guys that like me are on the internet".
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2009 4:25 PM GMT
    in defense to my last thread (which was totaly taken the wrong way) i dont think that everyone is complaining about dating or lack there of. some pleople just may be looking for other people that notice the same social trends.

    i in no way blame other people for my social life. i merely point out the fact that the gay community is content with tricking around (from what i have experienced so far) and that it is sad to have reached that point.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2009 4:28 PM GMT
    DiverScience said
    I see it as a place for people to vent. We all get frustrated, so people vent it here.


    I agree with the hot guy in the cowboy hat... It's a place to vent, and people definitely take advantage of it. Also, who says dating sucks??? I think dating is fun! You never know who you're going to meet, what they're going to be like, or what you might learn about yourself in the process. It's always a crap shoot, but so is everything else in life. Take it for what it is. No one ever said it would simple, but would anyone of us really want it to be simple? I know I wouldn't. I work hard for everything else I have in life, so why not apply the same principle to dating? It's all about perspective. On the other hand, everyone is susceptible to feeling down at some point or another, and I don't think any of us should judge them or dismiss them for needing an outlet for that frustration. Word.

    Oh yeah, I would also like to point out that the creator of this thread is in a monogamous relationship. So, danielryan, you're not exactly in the same boat as all of those posters that you are blaming for their situations. Think back to when you were single and dating... Didn't you ever complain to someone about your situation?? I'd find it highly suspect if your answer to this question is "no."
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    Feb 26, 2009 4:30 PM GMT
    magicallydelicious saidOh yeah, I would also like to point out that the creator of this thread is in a monogamous relationship. So, danielryan, not exactly in the same boat as all of those posters that you are blaming for their situations. Think back to when you were single and dating... Didn't you ever complain to someone about your situation?? I'd find it highly suspect if your answer to this question is "no."


    tell it like it is delicious
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2009 5:18 PM GMT
    While cowboiway's post about individuals needing the comfort and support of friends or total strangers has validity to it, the ideal that one should control their own life (so eloquently stated by danielryan) is hardly shallow. No two people/relationships are the same. Yes we may bounce ideas off of others, however, what one has put into practice in their dating/relationship scene is NOT going to work for everyone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2009 5:23 PM GMT

    aaaaaaaaaaaaamen. I can honestly say I've never read anything on here regarding dating that I can usefully apply to my life. Dating -and establishing whatever human connections- is a profoundly personal experience, shaped by your history and expectations. Getting dating advice from RJ is like learning to drive a car by practicing on bikes first. There's no substitute for it, you simply have to get out there and do it, and modify your approach as you gain new experiences.

    And yes, many of these posters do come off a little self-indulgent.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2009 5:51 PM GMT
    <

    They look to us and I'm sure other friends and strangers for our supprt. If you are tired of reading them, stop reading them. If you are tired of giving advice don't give it. however I love givign support and advice when I can.

    Last thing to think about. While discussing it here in public, it may also help another in a simular situation. one to afraid to talk about his feelings. One who may truely need the help. We can all learn from each others mistakes. We can all support one another and be a stronger community.

    I definitely understand where you are coming from and agree. I think "relationship" advice is always warranted. I am definitely not being cold with people who are in relationships and having difficulties. I am pointing out more to threads with topics of "The straight boy I am in love with", "I can't find a boyfriend" , "The only guys that like me are on the internet".

    We aren't all dancers, waiters or air line attendants. Some of us work and live in completely gayless environments . I don't think circuit parties and bars are constructive, sustainable behavior . Yes, indeed we create out own worlds from what we choose to filter and because of that live in isolation. I keep thinking if i could get invited to just one party i could break into some social network but that would require an invitation from someone..and that is something like a, dare i say it.... date.
  • imperator

    Posts: 626

    Feb 26, 2009 7:01 PM GMT
    danielryan saidI see that there seem to be alot of these floating around lately. A lot of guys seem to be frustrated with the lack of quality guys out there, or they are tired of being used and abused, or they can only find good guys online who live 1000 miles away.

    I read the threads and I can't help but to feel the need to blame the poster. I look at each and everyones situation as a function of their own control. [...]

    How do you guys react to these type of threads?



    Pretty much the same way. It's all "waah waah, where's Mister Right." I mean the answer to that question-- that he's a myth concocted to sell crappy romance novels-- has only been in circulation for how long now...? How anyone could have missed it, unless they've been looking for their 'soul mate' under a rock their whole lives, is baffling. Or "waah waah, I've been used!" Um, and who is responsible for you allowing yourself to be used? Or "waah waah, I got dumped!" Reflect, rejoice, and move on. You've been delivered from one wonderful state (of having a partner) to another wonderful state (of being free to enjoy some 'you' time, or maybe to meet someone new). Or "waah waah, all the good men are straight, gay men are all vapid, degenerate whores!" Gay men, Mrs. Self-Loathing, are at least as diverse as straight men; if you haven't found one who fits every last one of your expectations then it's possible you're looking for him in the wrong places and you should change your 'circles' (or, wacky idea, stop "looking" with blinders on and instead get on with your life and let yourself be 'found'). It's more likely, though, that your expectations are unrealistic, and possible that you're subconsciously inflating them to such unattainable proportions so that you can blame your loneliness on 'everyone else' for not measuring up.

    It all just sounds so insecure and self-defeating and pathetic, especially having been 'there' once. But once you've gotten out of the "starters' rut"-- where it's all pristine and conceptual, and romanticized expectation, and inexperience and un-reality-- and you accept things as they are (yourself as you are, others as they are, life for what it is, all gritty and natural and perfectly imperfect) it really does look... not "easy" or "simple," but... obvious, and bearable, and do-able, and you wonder why it ever seemed so difficult at all. It's not so much a matter of "control" (because we never really have 'control' over the universe) as facing reality-- living here and now rather than in some mythical past or unrealized future-- and freeing oneself of the delusions and addictions that keep us running around in circles and suffering in ignorance and folly.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2009 7:14 PM GMT
    I think you make some good points in your post, but I would like to point out it's always easier to criticize those single guys out there when you yourself are in a relationship.


    Sometimes it's easy to forget the recurring frustration individuals feel when they find themselves chronically single and don't understand the reasons why.

    I look at my single life in this way: I am alone, but I know how to be alone and enjoy my own company. Also, I've been in a relationship with myself for 21 years, and that's the one I know how to do the very best! Why not have fun doing it?


    I do feel however, that this website is very visual, and those who take the best photos seem to have the most success with garnering attention and admiration from this site's many lovely users. Just an observation.


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    Feb 26, 2009 7:24 PM GMT
    Believe it or not, some day you'll be in a LTR and you'll look back at your days of dating as a fun, exciting, experimental time in your life. Of course everything looks better in hindsight, but there's a lot of enjoyment to be had in dating. You get to meet lots of different personality types, you'll be exposed to ideas and viewpoints you hadn't considered before, and you'll learn some useful lessons about relating to others.
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    Feb 26, 2009 7:29 PM GMT
    imperator said
    danielryan saidI see that there seem to be alot of these floating around lately. A lot of guys seem to be frustrated with the lack of quality guys out there, or they are tired of being used and abused, or they can only find good guys online who live 1000 miles away.

    I read the threads and I can't help but to feel the need to blame the poster. I look at each and everyones situation as a function of their own control. [...]

    How do you guys react to these type of threads?



    Pretty much the same way. It's all "waah waah, where's Mister Right." I mean the answer to that question-- that he's a myth concocted to sell crappy romance novels-- has only been in circulation for how long now...? How anyone could have missed it, unless they've been looking for their 'soul mate' under a rock their whole lives, is baffling. Or "waah waah, I've been used!" Um, and who is responsible for you allowing yourself to be used? Or "waah waah, I got dumped!" Reflect, rejoice, and move on. You've been delivered from one wonderful state (of having a partner) to another wonderful state (of being free to enjoy some 'you' time, or maybe to meet someone new). Or "waah waah, all the good men are straight, gay men are all vapid, degenerate whores!" Gay men, Mrs. Self-Loathing, are at least as diverse as straight men; if you haven't found one who fits every last one of your expectations then it's possible you're looking for him in the wrong places and you should change your 'circles' (or, wacky idea, stop "looking" with blinders on and instead get on with your life and let yourself be 'found'). It's more likely, though, that your expectations are unrealistic, and possible that you're subconsciously inflating them to such unattainable proportions so that you can blame your loneliness on 'everyone else' for not measuring up.

    It all just sounds so insecure and self-defeating and pathetic, especially having been 'there' once. But once you've gotten out of the "starters' rut"-- where it's all pristine and conceptual, and romanticized expectation, and inexperience and un-reality-- and you accept things as they are (yourself as you are, others as they are, life for what it is, all gritty and natural and perfectly imperfect) it really does look... not "easy" or "simple," but... obvious, and bearable, and do-able, and you wonder why it ever seemed so difficult at all. It's not so much a matter of "control" (because we never really have 'control' over the universe) as facing reality-- living here and now rather than in some mythical past or unrealized future-- and freeing oneself of the delusions and addictions that keep us running around in circles and suffering in ignorance and folly.


    you are right, and it has taken me longer than it should have to figure that out. damn romance novels (or 19th century classical lit, whichever the case may be).
  • imperator

    Posts: 626

    Feb 26, 2009 9:05 PM GMT
    XCRunner336 saidI think you make some good points in your post, but I would like to point out it's always easier to criticize those single guys out there when you yourself are in a relationship. [...]


    And when I'm experiencing frustration in my relationship, it's usually my single friends who give me the advice that I think "I would have told myself that if my brain weren't so muddled after so long being coupled." It's silly to say "you can only give relevant struggling-singlehood advice if you're a struggling single and you can only give sage relationship counsel if you're in a relationship." It's like saying only blind people should lead other blind people across the highway, or fit guys should only advise other fit guys in how to do a proper squat. When we're doing something the wrong way, we're best served by hearing from people who know how to do it right.

    Of course, in 'relationships' or in 'solitude,' where there is no one "right way," maybe the best advice comes from those who've found that they can be content and 'consistently themselves' in both states. I think the best perspective to listen to when we're miserable because of who we are or aren't with is the one that says "the answer lies with you." Anything else will likely either play to our ego, or feed our insecurities.
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    Feb 26, 2009 9:28 PM GMT
    Garunner saidin defense to my last thread (which was totaly taken the wrong way) i dont think that everyone is complaining about dating or lack there of. some pleople just may be looking for other people that notice the same social trends.
    Garunner, your thread was hijacked by a douchebag who's gone from this site...don't feel like you caused it. There's nothing wrong with your thread.

    On the relationship thing, DanielRyan, you are correct. But no effective life coach has ever gotten good results by mashing someone's nose in the obvious (not saying you're a masher). In such a field, demonstrating empathy for the client first, then guiding the client through small steps to overcome their deficit usually works the best. I say, "God, I remember when I went through the same thing you went through...the first thing I did was start a blog...blah blah blah."

    A few of my previous dance coaches (the parallels to couples counseling are eerie) lost my respect when they told me that my dancing sucked because I didn't practice enough. Yes, that's right--the most obvious and correct answer. There is no more correct answer. However, THAT had a negative effect on my practice. Was I a pussy because my coach's condescension didn't immediately spur me to practice more? Maybe.

    As a dance teacher myself, I tried that approach on some of my lackluster students. Guess what? They felt guilty that they weren't practicing enough, but my comment prompted no internal motivation. So I changed gears. I showed them how fun practice can be, leading by example. We did games, exchanged ideas, etc. They're ecstatic. And now really good dancers. I suggest a similar approach to lonely thread posters.

    The students I was condescending to have found other teachers or dropped out entirely.
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    Feb 26, 2009 11:40 PM GMT
    If I thought that my dating struggles were caused by my preferences, what could I do? Almost nothing. What most people tell you when you don't find anyone? "You want too much" - but can anyone have such control over their preferences? I don't think so. No wonder they feel hopeless.

    But when you realize that exclusivity is not just in function of preference, but also the group in which you prefer, and you realize that it's easier changing this group than your preference (by socializing more, moving to a different city, looking better, etc), suddenly, you have (more) control over your dating success! A blissful knowledge to have!

    From some responses to the pickiness thread, I can easily tell some of them have disregarded my reasoning completely (where I gave a solution to the problem!!), just spitting whatever prejudices they may have. So it doesn't matter if you're not crying for help: if you're talking about loosing, you are a looser.
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    Feb 27, 2009 4:17 PM GMT

    " It's silly to say "you can only give relevant struggling-singlehood advice if you're a struggling single and you can only give sage relationship counsel if you're in a relationship." It's like saying only blind people should lead other blind people across the highway, or fit guys should only advise other fit guys in how to do a proper squat. When we're doing something the wrong way, we're best served by hearing from people who know how to do it right."

    That wasn't really what i was saying. I was just pointing out that the trend points to that. Once "comfortably" in a relationship setting, it does seem easier to look outside of it, and offer your thoughts on what you might've done right, and what a single person might have done wrong. Just saying.


    But yes, you're right about when you receive advice. It always seems to happen that way, doesn't it lol?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2009 3:31 PM GMT

    It's way easier to criticize than to lend support and insight, to be impatient and think 'you'll get over it' than to offer up solutions with another perspective or trying to lift up your fellow RJer to the place where he can gain a better handle and perspective of Life, which can be very messy indeed.

    We have pretty good memories and remember well when some of you have come on this site with your personal struggles and what happened? You were met with rounds of help. Huge servings of emotional boostings.

    So who exactly is entitled to decide that this person's troubles are of merit and this other person's aren't?

    Complaining? The person is asking for help. That's a huge huge compliment and it says something too about the person that pisses on it.

    -Doug