Possesive boyfriend...where do you draw the line?

  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Feb 26, 2009 3:21 PM GMT
    This is related to the thread I post earlier "Gay domestic violence". If you are in a relationship, where do you draw the line between loving somebody and taking control of somebody life. I suppose if you are in a relationship with someone it just natural for you to share you life with them. However it is your right to determined how you other half spend his money, his checkbook transaction and how he spend his times .

    I for one, need my own space and sometimes have a need to be alone. I prefer to travel alone and sometimes sleep alone. One of the reason I broke up with my ex is because I insist to have my own space and times alone. He dont appreciated it when I go shopping by myself, travel alone and the have fact I insist we split expenses between us. He latter on find another fellow , who willing to do that and leave me. Is he being to possesive or I am being to selfish?
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    Feb 26, 2009 3:24 PM GMT
    This is a tough question, but if the boyfriend is constantly checking up on you then you have a right to react negatively. Is he checking your cell phones messages, what websites you have visited, who your friends are? Does he even allow you to have friends?
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    Feb 26, 2009 5:24 PM GMT
    Each relationship is different and all this (money, vacations etc..) need to be discussed and come to some sort of agreement.

    I do have to say if you were my bf I would have dumped you as well. It sounds as if you are too independant to be in a relationship and I suggest not trying to enter another one.

    Most relationships are defind by what you share together in life, not what you do seperately. You wanted to have him around when you wanted him. When it was convienent to you. Sorry but sometimes having someone around just doesn't work that way.
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    Feb 26, 2009 5:26 PM GMT
    When you start asking yourself "where do I need to draw the line?" DRAW ONE!
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    Feb 26, 2009 8:26 PM GMT
    zakariahzol saidThis is related to the thread I post earlier "Gay domestic violence". If you are in a relationship, where do you draw the line between loving somebody and taking control of somebody life. I suppose if you are in a relationship with someone it just natural for you to share you life with them. However it is your right to determined how you other half spend his money, his checkbook transaction and how he spend his times .

    I for one, need my own space and sometimes have a need to be alone. I prefer to travel alone and sometimes sleep alone. One of the reason I broke up with my ex is because I insist to have my own space and times alone. He dont appreciated it when I go shopping by myself, travel alone and the have fact I insist we split expenses between us. He latter on find another fellow , who willing to do that and leave me. Is he being to possesive or I am being to selfish?


    I agree with Cowboiway, what's the point in getting a bf if you're still going to try to act like your single?
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Feb 26, 2009 8:39 PM GMT
    Point taken guys . Yeah, I do feel some regret for treating him the way I do. If I find another love , perhaps I should be less selfish than my previous relationship.
  • imperator

    Posts: 626

    Feb 26, 2009 10:17 PM GMT
    zakariahzol saidThis is related to the thread I post earlier "Gay domestic violence". If you are in a relationship, where do you draw the line between loving somebody and taking control of somebody life. I suppose if you are in a relationship with someone it just natural for you to share you life with them. However it is your right to determined how you other half spend his money, his checkbook transaction and how he spend his times .

    I for one, need my own space and sometimes have a need to be alone. I prefer to travel alone and sometimes sleep alone. One of the reason I broke up with my ex is because I insist to have my own space and times alone. He dont appreciated it when I go shopping by myself, travel alone and the have fact I insist we split expenses between us. He latter on find another fellow , who willing to do that and leave me. Is he being to possesive or I am being to selfish?



    It just sounds like a bad match, to me-- not him being "too needy or possessive or clingy," just too needy or possessive or clingy for you. And you aren't "too independent," you were just too independent for him. Next time, put off getting together until it's with someone who's more comfortable with your personality and vice-versa. It's the difference between assuming that 'a relationship' is a generic, formulaic thing with 'rights' and 'wrongs' that are absolute which you as individuals must conform to, and assuming that it's a consentual association between two individuals. My own bf and I differ on this too, he talks about "our relationship" as if it's this living thing that's ensnared both of us and ought to consume or assimilate us into one blended being, like a venus fly trap that's digesting us into some uniform mush.

    Meanwhile, I like being with him-- any time he wants to spend together, I'm glad to-- but I'm also very content to be by myself when he wants to do something with his other friends. And god, there are days I wish we had separate bedrooms so if I wanted a night alone in bed I could have it. I consider us two very different people, not even entirely compatible, but together by choice because of how we feel about each other. That doesn't mean I want to share one brain-- yeesh, he believes all kinds of nonsense that I find absurd! And it doesn't mean I want a joint bank account because I budget myself based on the limitations of my means; having more money than I've earned at my disposal would soften my mind and lure me towards irresponsibility. A bit of privacy and personal boundaries helps to define us, makes us one 'person' distinct from the person we're together with. If we were meant to merge completely, I think we'd have evolved to mate by running towards each other really fast and smushing together into one, fused organism icon_confused.gif
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    Feb 27, 2009 5:22 PM GMT
    Disagree with Cowboi for the most part.

    There is a definite line. If you make your own money, you should decide how to spend it. If you want some quiet time to yourself, you're entitled to it. Entering into a relationship does not make you someone else's possession. Developing trust, confidence and security with a person takes time as you get to know the person. Developing security, confidence, and trust with yourself is a whole different ball game, and more often than not the controlling ones are the ones who can't keep their own impulses in check.

    You've got to give a little and compromise as well. Maybe you communicated poorly about your needs? If you see differently on something, you need to be able to express why. If he doesn't want to listen it's his choice. He needs to also be able to express himself. Controlling types often do not express themselves in a constructive way, or communicate well. It just has to be their way right away with no room for compromise.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 27, 2009 5:29 PM GMT
    I think there are a number of variables here, depends on the circumstances and relationship.

    As far as I'm concerned, if you not living together (and thus your financial condition is entertwined) his spending isn't any of your business, unless it affects you adversely. If he is a gambler for instance and leaves you in a difficult position on a date.

    If you live together, or if there is a financial committment in some manner, all changes. His spending is some of your business, if he isn't meeting his obligations.

    In this case, you like your time alone and some "private time" as you put it.
    He might want privacy when it comes to his finances. I'd respect that time if I were you, or you may find yourself single again.
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    Feb 27, 2009 5:36 PM GMT
    you just need to find a guy who is also independent and doesnt want to take care of someone else financially.

    i was in a similar situation with my ex, we were together for about a year.

    He wanted to hang out more then i did, have sex more then i did, and i just wanted to still have my time. how i put it is that i'm not done being selfish to be in a relationship.

    He did pay for everything whenever we would go anywhere, and he would do anything for me, and he still would.

    I would do anything for him as well, but i just am not ready to be in a relationship, we are still good friends and he sobers me up when i go out drinking (he's a bartender), but it was also me who ended it because i wasnt as into the relationship as he was and i didnt think that was right.

    So really you just need to find somone who has similar needs, it's not that what you did was wrong you and your ex just didnt match up well
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    Feb 27, 2009 5:45 PM GMT
    Zakariahsol However it is your right to determined how you other half spend his money, his checkbook transaction and how he spend his times .


    I think this line was meant as a question I think "it is" is supposed to be "is it"