First Time I Got called out for being a FAG.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2009 6:57 PM GMT
    Hey guys,

    Long story short this 19 yr old closeted homo (me) went to the gay bar in town wen he was 18 once to see what it was like, and a gay guy he knows saw him there, told his best friend which is a girl that is fucking my 21yr old brother.

    yeah, news to me too...

    well over a half a year later my brother and I get in an argument and out of nowhere half way through a shoving match calls me out for being a fag. That was the end of the argument, say'd i was dead to him and asked me "what the fuck u gunna tell the parents u dumb fuck?"

    So im sitting here 2 days later trying to repress that thought, and im doing a pretty good job of it, thinking "what's up now?"

    I know you guys dont know the whole situation and stuff but my brother isnt the most approachable guy. He's more of the "Go fuck yourself" vs. "Hey, how was ur day" type.

    my game plan for now is to just keeping pretending like nothing happened but i unno if i should talk to the guy or not.

    what do i do now

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2009 7:30 PM GMT
    Maybe you should cut your brother out of your life if he is going to treat you like that.

    That was a horrible thing to do and say to you, especially if he is your brother and this is fucking 2009. I'd be horrified myself. I don't know what your family situation is like, but you might want to tell your parents if your brother knows and is going to act like that. I wouldn't do so if you think they might kick you out. If, however, you think they would, If I were you I would get a job, save some money just in case you get thrown out of the house should they find out and not take it well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2009 7:32 PM GMT
    i say try this, get down to breakfast one day with a hi my name is "fag" sticker on your tee-shirt. or, you can write a long letter and mail it while you are away. or, you can move out. or.... or..... stop having shoving matches with your 21 year old brother. he is clearly not there to support you right now, so you need to believe in yourself no matter what happens.
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    Feb 26, 2009 7:33 PM GMT
    Just remember to hold your head up high man. You are who you are, and you gotta be damn proud of it. You're a great person, and I'm pretty shocked that you're brother said that. Times are changing. Just remember to not be brought down.
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    Feb 26, 2009 7:48 PM GMT
    I would talk to him. He said it to you in the heat of battle. When your fighting with someone you'll say some mean things just out of anger. I don't know your brother but I doubt that he really meant it. If he was going to be spiteful he would have said something to you before six months. The door of the closet has been opened and it's your chance to talk to him. He does seemed concerned about how your parents are going to react.
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    Feb 26, 2009 7:56 PM GMT
    My 20 year old (married, religious) brother has called his closeted 22 year old (homo, infidel) brother, yours truly, a faggot on three occasions during some of his anger spells within the last year.

    While he hasn't witnessed or been exposed to hearsay concerning my gay spelunking as in your case, he hasn't said anything to my parents or repeated such filthy behavior except when he is very irked.

    If it is your parents that you are worried about, it's been a year and your bother hasn't said anything to them, being the "fuck off" type, if he hadn't cared enough to tell them a year ago, he probably doesn't care enough to tell them now either.

    If it's your relationship with your brother you are worried about, I've never brought said incidence up, pretending like nothing happened and keeping communication with him on the minimum of the necessity-based threshold, and we've been relatively swell.

    The above isn't advice since I'm not in the position to give any at all, I only speak about my experience. As much as possible, just try stay away or limit your interaction with people who hurt you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2009 7:57 PM GMT
    Don't focus too much on the fag word. If you were grossly overweight, your brother might have slammed you with that instead. If you were mentally challenged, he might have called you a retard. He called you what he thought would hurt you; don't let it.

    BTW, I'm not equating being gay with having shortcomings or challenges, nor should any person be ridiculed for what they are. Just that gay is obviously a negative in your brother's mind, and I believe he would have used whatever hurtful phrase he could have applied to you at that moment. Being gay is what he chose.

    I'm not sure I'm entitled to say this to you, but I think your brother is a jerk. He may not always be a jerk, but he is a jerk now. The opinions of jerks should never matter & hurt us, nor make us think less of ourselves, even when they're family.

    I also suspect your brother is very insecure, and worried that your being gay may reflect upon him. In the short term, some distance between you may be for the best. Later he may come around, but for now let him mature some more.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13999

    Feb 26, 2009 7:58 PM GMT
    I'd say your brother made his position pretty clear. Give him the cold shoulder and if he asks, remind him you're dead to him.
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    Feb 26, 2009 7:59 PM GMT
    Probably wouldn't take his anger and threats too seriously. You guys were arguing and he pulled the gay card. Sure that's lame, but you're brothers and the occasional low blow is expected.

    I mean, he sat on this info for 6 months after all.

    I dunno -- maybe you should just talk to him about it? It could make you feel better about being gay and make him feel better about you hiding it from him for your entire life.

    For Christ's sake, he's your brother. Is he really gonna feel any differently about you? Sure it's gonna take some time to adjust to this revelation, but damn it, you're family.
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    Feb 26, 2009 8:02 PM GMT
    You need to ask yourself what your relationship with your brother means to you. If it is worth it, than it is worth trying to work thinks out with him. If you make attempts and they fail at least you know that you tried. As for the leak in information ie; being outed, it is my experience that once someone knows, it is not long before more people find out. You may want to talk to the people who you want to hear it from you first, so they don't hear it from the gossip mill. I don't know you so these are just my thoughts and I hope they help. Take Care!
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    Feb 26, 2009 8:04 PM GMT
    Don't pretend nothing has happened and hope for the best. As long as you stay in the closet there will be self-esteem issues. And your brother sounds like a real jerk: 21 going on 12.

    Be proactive here. Start scouting around for alternatives. Get professional advice and support, Find a serious mentor with whom you can confide and trust. And for Christ's sake get out of the closet.

    Even your neanderthal brother does not live in a vacuum. He became the moral moron he is because of his surroundings, namely his homelife. If homophobia is prevelent there, you need to make plans, SERIOUS plans to live elsewhere. However, most families are, believe it or not, supportive and loving. So give them--your mom and dad and possible other siblings )a chance to do the right thing before you start packing. Maybe they'll wise-up and throw that lout of a brother out.icon_smile.gif

    Good Luck,


  • kaccioto

    Posts: 284

    Feb 26, 2009 8:27 PM GMT
    silver linings reside in ugly places...

    i suggest you let each other simmer...bring it up personally & privately to him...he might've not meant it since he was in the heat of things..if he's a dick, he's a dick..

    i'm not a fan of obligated feelings toward anyone b/c of the family you were born into, so i don't buy that 'he's your brother/mother/father' can be your biggest supporters, just as much as the biggest handicap to your emotional/financial/spiritual potential..

    whatever route you choose, be optimistic/realistic about the outcome but don't let others' opinions get in the way of your studies..

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2009 9:02 PM GMT
    Red_Vespa saidDon't focus too much on the fag word. If you were grossly overweight, your brother might have slammed you with that instead. If you were mentally challenged, he might have called you a retard. He called you what he thought would hurt you; don't let it.
    Vespa's right. This is how brothers can be. He knew fag would hurt you, and that's why he pulled it out. I don't think he's outing you to your parents--by the way, if he is, beat him to the punch--he's just attempting to out-flame you.

    If you normally enjoy your sibling rivalry (I LOVE scraps with my brother, BTW), one-up his fag comment with a slam of your own. If you hate this stuff, tell him to knock it off. The only reason it hurts you right now is because you feel you're vulnerable.
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    Feb 26, 2009 9:45 PM GMT
    What would be funny is if you kicked his ass.. 'A fag just kicked your ass, bitch.'

    Give it a little time and try to sort things out with him. If you cut him out you'll regret it later in life.
  • EricPrado

    Posts: 206

    Feb 26, 2009 10:24 PM GMT
    Man, that was kinda harsh that he said that to you...but I don't think you should just cut him out like everyone else here is saying. If that's his personality, then you kinda already knew something like this would of happened? He probably just needs time adjusting. He might be one of those that take a little while longer than the rest to finally get adjusted you know?
    It's never a good idea to stop talking to your family members.

    Anyways, you should definitely talk to your folks and see what they say. Hope everything goes well icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 26, 2009 10:28 PM GMT
    muchmorethanmuscle saidI'd let him go and move on, but with the option of allowing him back into my life so long as he's willing to treat me as a human being worthy of respect like anyone else.

    i agree still your brother whatever he says or do, make an example for him.
    and the only thing that changed is that now you know that he knows,
    ( so much KNOW, LOL )
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2009 10:34 PM GMT
    Being called a fag by my brother doesn't get to me as much as you think. I think being compared to a bundle of sticks or a gay guy that should be used to start a fire isn't the greatest thing in the world but hey, who shouldn't be burnt alive for having an off-beat sex life icon_razz.gif

    Jokes aside, If I do decide to confront the the guy, I have no idea what kind of approach to take. I really don't. My brother and I live in the same house and never really have had any legit social conversations in the past 4 years. The only time we talk is if it's necessary or when he threatens me if i drink the last glass of milk.

    and yeah i could try and kick his ass and play that card but puffin my chest out cuz i can bench 250 means shit all against his 320... not going down that road... that very, very bumpy road.

    what kind of approach would you take to talking to a brother like that about a subject like this?

    and guys, I really appreciate the thoughtful comments. It's good to know that there's such positive support in the gay community... as cheesy as that sounds...


  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Feb 26, 2009 10:35 PM GMT
    I think it would be very easy to listen to some of these responses and just shut out your brother, but I think it would be wrong and actually something you really don't want to do.

    Part of the reason you probably feel upset by this is because you love him, which makes sense, since he is your brother.

    Look, what he did to you is awful, and there really isn't a justification for it. At the same time, realize that people say things in the heat of the moment and people change. I come from a very religious family and had to deal with years of verbal (and sometimes physical) abuse from my own older brother, mother, and father.

    For years I stopped talking to them, distancing myself from them as if they were not alive. Over time, they came to an understanding that they could either choose to love me as I am, or face the fact that I would never be apart of their lives.

    Today, I have varying degrees of interaction with my family, but they all accept me. This didn't happen over night, and it wasn't achieved by trying to get back at them.

    The best thing you can do when someone hurts you is explain your feelings and remove yourself from all unnecessary conflict. It isn't your problem to fix the relationship, and truthfully, it's not in your hands. This is an understanding your brother must arrive at on his own. Best of luck.
  • tas_515

    Posts: 133

    Feb 26, 2009 10:48 PM GMT
    Consider coming out to parents, and the rest of the world, sooner rather than later. As your brother has demonstrated, the closet has endless hidden traps and obstacles to your self esteem and happiness, and becomes a weapon that others try to use over and over again to threaten you, embarass you and thwart you. Prior to the time somebody actually outs you without your consent, you can have some influuence over how, when and where you leave the closet.

    Believe me, I know--easier said than done. But I still wanted to say it.


  • Fusion98102

    Posts: 164

    Feb 26, 2009 11:00 PM GMT
    Inevitably, sooner or later if you want to be happy with yourself you will have to come out of the closet and let those around you make their judgements. It wont necessarily be easy and you may lose some friends or even some family, but at some point you have to ask yourself, "who am I living for?" If the answer is "myself" then you need to make that a reality. If the answer is "them" then maybe you have some soul searching to do before you decide who you are.

    Either way I certainly wish you the very best with your situation.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16412

    Feb 26, 2009 11:06 PM GMT
    I agree with much of what has been said here. I wouldn't necessarily overreact, but doing nothing shouldn't be an option.

    Eventually you will need to tell your parents. If they love you, they will accept it and your brother should too. If he is as you say, I would be
    treat him pretty coldly... he'll either improve or go downhill. If he doesn't accept you, I'd have nothing to do with him.

    Always consider discussion here with us.. as you see, many of us are concerned and will always want to give you support. Best wishes.
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    Feb 26, 2009 11:16 PM GMT
    Hmmm having a pretty much similar brother all you can do is continue to be exacltly the same.
    Basically, I'd also think about telling your parents before he gets there. Being outed by others isn't a great road to take. As far as it seems the only time you can get a reaction from your brother is when its antagonistic - therefore I'd suggest avoiding all situations where he could be feeling cranky (eep).
    Personally I'd just acvoid the subject.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2009 11:23 PM GMT
    At some point, you're going to have to confront the guy -- not for his benefit, but for your own. Your sense of self-worth can be damaged by not standing up for yourself in such situations (I speak from experience). When you do, own your feelings and don't blame or attack him. Use "I" statements. "I felt really disrespected and violated when you called me a fag in such a demeaning way."

    Also, this is your brother, not some casual acquaintance. Advice to 'just walk away' is unrealistic.

    Lastly, there's the whole latency factor. Those who yell FAG the loudest are usually closeted fags. Not 100% of the time, of course, but it's often the 'me thinks thou dost protest too much' phenomenon.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9191

    Feb 26, 2009 11:42 PM GMT
    Your brother's issue are deep and has nothing to do with you or your sexual orientation. He has a history of these outbursts and alienates himself because he doesn't know how to process his emotions very well.

    It's going to take a relatively long time for him to come to terms with what his issues are, but you can help him get started by asking him questions related to how he behaves. Explain to him why you're asking questions and let him know that things need to change for the better for him and the both of you. When you ask these questions, don't expect an answer. You will get an answer or an honest response when you least expect it, kinda like how he called you fag out of nowhere, but what you ask now will put the question in his head and he will have no option but to find an answer to it.

    Good Luck and happy psychology!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 27, 2009 4:00 AM GMT
    Don't overestimate the value of family. If you can't talk to him, he has a complex about constantly beating up on and bullying you. Get the hell away from him.

    If you want to be completely sinister - and I'm not advising it - just tell him to keep his trap shut, you'll tell Mom and Dad on your own terms and when you're good and ready. Tell him also that if he does go to them, you'll just pretend a breakdown and confess about all the times he forced you to give him head or he was gonna beat you up when you were younger and he was 16ish. He totally looses - he already has established his bully personna, if he denies it they won't totally believe him. He can't confess to it. And if he hurts you for saying it, that just makes him look worse. icon_twisted.gif

    (Really - don't do this. I'm just in a dark mood - finished reading The Watchmen last night. Wicked good. )