Dating men with low self esteem

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 27, 2009 2:39 PM GMT
    So I was dating this guy a couple years ago. He was good looking with a GREAT body. We seemed to be a good match on interests however he was a jerk occaisionally, throwing out insults and sarcasm often. Turns out he used to be overweight, so much so that he was extremely depressed at one point. He claimed part of it was that the type of guys he wanted were never attracted to him. And he was insulted and mocked often. So he worked hard and got a chiseled physique. But now he looks down on guys with the problem he used to have and even said he would never date someone overweight. I thought that was ironic. He also had a lot of photos of himself around his house, on his computer screen, etc. So one day I joked that he was a bit vain. He got extremely defensive. It was then I realized that under all the muscles and low body fat, he was still that overweight dude with a fragile self esteem.

    Anyone else experience this or a similair situation of dealing with a low self esteem guy?
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    Feb 27, 2009 3:22 PM GMT
    Dude, I disagree. You have it all wrong.

    I once was FAT as well. At 265# and a 38" Waist. I have busted my ass off to get where I am now and not stopping there. (185# 32"w)

    I won't date overwieght and unfit guys either (They don't have to be gym jock, a couple pounds is cool). I know if I can do it, so can they. It shows to me that the overwieght guys have low self worth, don't give a crap about thier health and low will power to just say no to the XL coke.

    As for him "putting them down". If any one has the right to put them down it is people like himself and me or any other guy that once was fat. We have been there and found the strength and will power to become healthy people.

    As for his pictures. Maybe like myself and others we are Proud of our work and accomplishment. Seeing pictures of ourself help us realize our accomplishment. Like any trophy won, soemthign we are proud of.



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    Feb 27, 2009 3:53 PM GMT
    Cowboiway saidAs for his pictures. Maybe like myself and others we are Proud of our work and accomplishment. Seeing pictures of ourself help us realize our accomplishment. Like any trophy won, soemthign we are proud of.

    And the pics a constant reminder & motivation to keep the weight off, and not return to the way he was. Or alternatively, he's a vain egotist, or the low self-esteem guy the OP initially proposed here. I simply dunno, not knowing the guy, but more than one possibility.

    I've dated guys who had their own portraits all over the place, and combined with other indicators, they impressed me as being way too self-absorbed with themselves, whatever the reason, low esteem or exaggerated esteem. I do know I found them a spoiled, self-centered handful, and quickly lost interest in them.
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    Feb 27, 2009 4:32 PM GMT
    What you said to the guy must have some merit or else he would not reacted the way he did.

    It would interesting if he had any before pictures around the house as well to serve as reminder as to how he once looked and never wanting to look that way again.

    I would have had both around.
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    Feb 27, 2009 4:34 PM GMT
    We all carry around our childhood issues. That was his.
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    Feb 27, 2009 4:36 PM GMT
    Is this a serious topic? Sounds like a bit of jealousy in the air to me but hey I don't judge icon_razz.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 27, 2009 4:48 PM GMT
    As usual, I can see both sides of the equation. He probably is sensitive because he was really hurt when he was a kid. He used that emotion to create a new self.. and indeed something he can be proud of..... but like many who had negative circumstances in childhood, he may find those feelings the hardest to rid.

    He needs to understand why he feels the way he does and come to terms with those feelings (some people never do).

    As far as some of the other comments here, I have pics of myself around my house and on my computer (usually with my quarter horse or with my beagles) and the pics are totally appropriate. As far as the comments above about dating men who are overweight, etc, personal choice, but I'd never put someone down, I'd encourage them to change their overweight lifestyle.
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    Feb 27, 2009 5:18 PM GMT
    growingbig saidWe all carry around our childhood issues. That was his.


    It's one thing to own them, but quite another to let it continue to ruin your life and undercut any chance of healthy relationships. But with experience, it becomes easier and easier to spot someone who has very low self esteem.
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    Feb 27, 2009 5:25 PM GMT
    Yes I have.

    It's not a bad thing though, I learned from it. You stay naive if life doesn't throw you some crap once in awhile.
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    Feb 27, 2009 5:27 PM GMT
    Runninchlt saidYou stay naive if life doesn't throw you some crap once in awhile.


    Well put.
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    Feb 27, 2009 6:37 PM GMT
    People with low self esteem tend to be very critical of others. It's all coming from personal experience.

    Solution: mentioned above! Allow for time to throw monkey crap at him in order to get over the hang ups or become aware it's a problem and seek any form of help. The latter case is easier done but it's hella tough to be aware of that stuff.
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    Feb 27, 2009 6:58 PM GMT
    Cowboiway saidDude, I disagree. You have it all wrong.

    I once was FAT as well. At 265# and a 38" Waist. I have busted my ass off to get where I am now and not stopping there. (185# 32"w)

    I won't date overweight and unfit guys either (They don't have to be gym jock, a couple pounds is cool). I know if I can do it, so can they. It shows to me that the overweight guys have low self worth, don't give a crap about their health and low will power to just say no to the XL coke.

    As for him "putting them down". If any one has the right to put them down it is people like himself and me or any other guy that once was fat. We have been there and found the strength and will power to become healthy people.

    As for his pictures. Maybe like myself and others we are Proud of our work and accomplishment. Seeing pictures of ourselves help us realize our accomplishment. Like any trophy won, something we are proud of.



    The Ex Fat person agrees with you!! I used to weigh 260lbs and was about at a 38/40" waist as well! I too have busted and CONTINUE to BUST my ass to keep pushing for better results and what not! It's a GREAT feeling!!! I can honestly say I have my bouts with my emotional highs and lows at times, just like EVERY OTHER human, yet I'm very high spirited about myself!

    However, no one has the right to belittle, ridicule, put others down because of their weight challenges! There a NUMBER of reason why they are the way they are! Yes in my head I'll question why they are that way because, if I did it, IT can be done, period. Now, I won't "date" an overweight guy or someone who has NO motivation to be healthy in any shape or form, yet I will NOT disrespect them. It's not right, period.

    With that said Indy404, he may look good now, but your 'pal' needs some SERIOUS emotional assistance and re-clarification on what it means to be a human with SOME sense of humility!
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    Feb 27, 2009 7:18 PM GMT
    Hmmm. I think Cowboy might be right.

    I don't think the guy was vain. If he was vain to begin with he would never have allowed himself to gain that weight in the first place even with depression or put himself in a position that would cause him to feel low about himself. I think he's just proud of his accomplishments

    A vain person is very much like a conceited person and in short they feel they have no flaws. As for him downing others that's just wrong in genreral but I can certainly see where he is coming from. Maybe he went about expressing his feelings about overweight people the wrong way since he himself was one but you certainly can't fault him for bettering himself (in his eyes) and not waiting to go down that path he just stepped off of.

    In all honesty he kept his feeling true. Most of us here don't want to deal with someone overweight. Say what you want but if you are going to judge him based off of his attitude then then by that standpoint aren't we all just a little vain too since most of us here are always looking to be fit and not overweight and are also looking for someone who is fit, masc, active and athletic. Prove me wrong or hadn't you noticed the site we are on and what it's objective is here. Just look at the pix you see here and tellme some vainity isn't embedded when you see half naked guys flaunting what they have or have worked hard to get. He overcame something that he obviously dealt with for awhile and he never wants to deal with it again or with someone who is dealing it. People who live in glass house shouldn't throw stones. Whoever said that must've known through experience.

    As for the pictures around the place goes. Maybe he's just photogenic. I know I have lots of pictures of myself, family and friends but that certainly doesn't make me vain. Photos of me during good times and phots of me during bad times.

    DISCLAIMER: Just so you don't think I'm picking on you, Indy404, but it sounds like you met him after his body transformation. In all fairness, if you had seen him when he was overweight and when he was basically down in the dumps would you have considered dating him in the first place? I don't mean this to start off as some sort of cat fight so please just take this with a grain of salt and as your basic random opinion like ever one else.

    A1972guy has the right idea.

    Class = humility.
    Think about it.
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    Feb 27, 2009 7:30 PM GMT
    I'm also an ex fattie (although I still have a little bit of a gut) but I agree with the OP more. I never had low self esteem for being fat and only got into shape for health reasons, and more than that, for energy reasons (didn't have energy to do any of the things I wanted that involved physical activity and now I'm playing catch-up with the rest of the curve on that front).

    However, I don't mind if people are overweight, not everyone has reason to value being in shape, and not everyone is in danger of health issues if they're not in great shape, as long as they're not obese, it's really all subjective. I've been attracted to fat guys after I've lost my weight and in fact my current big crush is on a guy who is not very in shape and a bit round-ish. He's still hot as hell in my book though.

    People need to think back to the time they didn't go to the gym. Why didn't you back then? The gym for me is a big time commitment and there are a hundred other things I would rather do instead that are actually enjoyable. If it wasn't for my crappy metabolism and natural energy levels I would never set foot even if I was a bit overweight, because there are just so many other things I can be doing with my time like making art, playing music, programming, hanging out with buds, etc. There is absolutely NO reason for looking down on people who don't care enough to have good physiques by spending time at the gym, UNLESS we're talking about serious obesity and health issues.

    With that said, everyone can reserve the right to date the people they are attracted to and if you're not attracted to fat people no one can fault you for that either.


  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Feb 27, 2009 8:07 PM GMT
    I was a effiminate kid and get bully, mock and making fun off by fellow friend and even my teacher. I was a weakling, thin , dark with long bony leg and I talk like a girl . Due to that I grow up believing I am ugly and have a very low self esteem. When I start dating in college I have a very bad habit to prove to whoever I am dating that I am attractive. I will keep asking him if he find me attractive, I constantly insisting that he say he love me and I alway demanding he prove to me he love me. I seek attention like a spoilt child or some female movie star diva. It just inside I feel unsure, ugly and unsatisfied with myself.

    I am ashamed of myself for behaving the way I did. But I leave those stuff behind me now. Looking back, I wonder how I can even get a date during those years. I was so immature and a need a lot of grow up to do.
  • metta

    Posts: 39167

    Feb 27, 2009 8:15 PM GMT

    I went out with a guy that was constantly ridiculing himself. It got tiring after a while. icon_confused.gif

    As for myself, I don't think that I have a low self esteem or a high one for that matter. But I am very shy with people I do not know and I could see how some people, on the surface, may consider that as having a low self esteem.
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Feb 27, 2009 8:22 PM GMT
    METTA

    "I went out with a guy that was constantly ridiculing himself. It got tiring after a while"


    Hmm.....sound like me in my teenager years. It just after ridiculing myself, I enjoy it when my bf telling me "those are not true" and "you are goodlooking". It disgusting , isnt it..

    .

    "
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    Feb 27, 2009 8:24 PM GMT
    When I first started seeing my bf, I had some serious SERIOUS self-esteem issues, from being abused when I was younger emotionally by a lot of people and my first bf. I'm so thankful he put up with me while I got my shit together. I'm not saying you all should do the same too, but speaking from someone who was given a chance to better myself while being in a relationship, I'm glad he stayed with me. He's a great boy.
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    Feb 27, 2009 8:25 PM GMT
    I think Indy404 is really trying to point out the irony here. That this guy he dated, has become exactly the type of guy his former self hated: flawless body with a hollow soul. Obviously his former self wanted to be judged on the person he was and not just his appearance; the fit buff result determines his entire self-worth based on his physique.

    I mean, didn't you guys watch "True Beauty"??? Why do you think Ashton Kutcher makes tv shows if not to make a daring and bold statement on society?? icon_wink.gif
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    Feb 27, 2009 8:45 PM GMT
    its an easy lay
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    Feb 27, 2009 8:53 PM GMT
    I've been overweight in the past, essentially obese. When I was around seventeen I dropped 80 lbs over a single summer through rather unhealthy means, but it's gone now and that's all I care about, I came out unscathed (physically at least). I've maintained my weight for the most part since then however I find it very difficult to date, especially attractive guys and up until recently I've always kept my bar very low, so as to know without a doubt I was the more attractive half. My ex was the first guy I've dated that I've considered "hot" and I destroyed the relationship by constantly berating, insulting and chipping away at his giant, imaginary ego. Why? I was jealous of him and was terrified of being left, because I was fat (though I wasn't, I very much so still felt that way inside). It felt good to tell him he was aging prematurely, that his build was strange and so on. Looking back, I was probably in better shape than him, but because he'd never been overweight and didn't have a stretch mark on his body, because he'd was seemingly perfect to me and unworthy of it as he'd never had to struggle for abs. I was resentful. I pretended to be my antithesis.. someone confident, cocky..even an asshole (I thought it would 'cause him to want me more, being treated improperly lol), and when I was finally alone (As I was frequently, because of the way I spoke to him) I'd break down emotionally and practically go crazy and pick myself apart, flaw by flaw, convinced he saw those flaws as well and secretly thought the same.. and the fact that he acted as if he loved me (which now I'm quite certain he actually did) really pissed me off for some reason. I haven't dated since, and don't know if I'm capable, because despite the maturity I've obtained from the lessons learned in that relationship.. I still feel fat inside and it's a problem. It's completely dysfunctional and emotionally prehistortic, but that's just how my past experiences as a big guy have manifested. Anyway, just a little former fatty tale.
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    Feb 27, 2009 9:41 PM GMT
    I can easily say I used to be the fat guy with the low self-esteem, so this EX-fat guy agrees wholeheartedly with you. Why? When I used to be 240 (I can support the weight, due to the height factor, hence being 6'3½"), none of the guys here would look at me. I would go out to the bar, only to get tipped & decorate the wall as a wallflower. Then, after what turned out to be a relationship of convenience, I got fed up with it, wrote a song about that ex & got off my ass & busted, still busting my ASS off to get and to keep the results that I have and am working for. Do I keep pictures of myself & the results I have? Yes. Do I tend to be cocky & stuck up? Yes, why? Because I don't like irony. I may be hip to rejection but I HATE irony. Nothing says a slap to the chops like someone who wouldn't give you the time of the day because of your waistline, only to turn around & look at you like you're fresh meat on the market when you make changes to your body for yourself. I also have the tendency to look down upon the guys who turned me down because of that. But it's typical gay man's behaviour & we find ways to deal with. I did.

    Will I date someone who doesn't take their health into consideration?
    Hell to the no! But I will not disrespect them.

    My mother raised me to have respect for others, despite their flaws.

    Everyone in their mother has them. It would be a bold-faced lie, in the least, to say that we don't.

    That's my 2 cents....

    Next Please?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Feb 27, 2009 9:57 PM GMT
    People with portrait style pictures of themselves about their home creep me out. Pictures with friends and family, no problem.
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    Feb 27, 2009 10:15 PM GMT
    cdncuteboy saidI think Indy404 is really trying to point out the irony here. That this guy he dated, has become exactly the type of guy his former self hated: flawless body with a hollow soul. Obviously his former self wanted to be judged on the person he was and not just his appearance; the fit buff result determines his entire self-worth based on his physique.



    This is exactly what i was saying...Nothing wrong with being proud of his hard work...he was inspirational and I told him that...But his personality didn't benefit from the hard work...I wasn't jealous of him though... while I've never been "fat" or even desired a "chiseled physique", I did recognize his determination for life change and was more turned on by that than his body. It was the comments about other people when we went out or sarcastic comments directed towards myself that sometimes were not even related to body type...

    He had no before and ofter photos around the house...most of them were portrait style sears model shots, hand on chin, etc...creeped me out whenever I turned he was looking at me so I made a quick joke about it...something like "A little vain aren't we, LOL..." He blew up...it was weird...

    We all have some kind of issues at the end of the day tho...Just thought his issues were ironic...

    And even after all that hard work...he's still single...
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    Feb 28, 2009 4:55 AM GMT



    cdncuteboy said, "I think Indy404 is really trying to point out the irony here. That this guy he dated, has become exactly the type of guy his former self hated: flawless body with a hollow soul. Obviously his former self wanted to be judged on the person he was and not just his appearance; the fit buff result determines his entire self-worth based on his physique."


    ....that's about what we thought, too.