When do you mention that you're gay?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 14, 2007 2:48 PM GMT
    Here's a question for those who are totally out:

    When do you tell someone you're gay?

    I normally wait till someone asks a personal question such as whether I have a girlfriend/wife/kids, but sometimes I'm not in the mood when those questions come up. Then I have no idea when to mention it.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Oct 14, 2007 3:16 PM GMT
    I pretty much just answer questions or talk openly about us. If someone says "Oh, what's your wife's name?" I tend to say "His name is Lou, but he doesn't like being called my wife." in a joking manner.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16305

    Oct 14, 2007 3:17 PM GMT
    I think this is a question and the answer is based on the comfort level of the person (like many personal things). I know there are friends mine that the question of their sexuality preceeds them. For some they talk about it at their office with co workers, etc.

    For me, I don't discuss it unless there is a need to do so. My employees probably know, but it won't be discussed, they have work to do. I have a few friends that I occasionally see that have not been told (but may be aware). I think if there is a reason to talk about it I will, without reservation. When that is, depends on the circumstances.
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    Oct 14, 2007 3:21 PM GMT
    I rarely mention it. I did just tell my Personal Trainer since we will be working so closely together and I dont want to be inhibited around him.
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    Oct 14, 2007 3:33 PM GMT
    pretty much the same as timberoo

    or I lead it with a statement of my partner and I and then follow it up with his name

    That way its not making any big issue out of it
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    Oct 14, 2007 4:17 PM GMT
    This is the ultimate question. I use to feel the need to inform someone as I began to feel they were becoming a good friend. Now my attitude is, why bother? If they want to know they can ask. So I wait for them to ask. They rarely ever ask. I have a straight buddy who must know by now but recently wanted me to join him at lingerie night at a local pub. I give him plenty of hints. When he wanted to go to a strip club I told him not to count me in. When he describes some kind of pick up deal a straight guy would like to do I make it clear it is not my thing.

    About five years ago, when I was living in NYC, three women out on the prowl sent a drink over to my table while I was eating alone in a restaurant where I was a regular. They signaled for me to join them at their table. That was awkward but I made the best of it. I wasn’t sure if I was on an episode of Designing Women or Sex in the City. One, in particular, was very aggressive. She begins pumping me for marriage and relationship questions and decides that I’m the ideal bachelor, “now just tell me you’re not gay”. I answered, “there’s always a catch with single men now isn’t there?” The other two did not hear our exchange and when they started flirting, she pipes up, “there’s something you ladies should know…”

    My attitude is, I don't scream out but I don't hide it either. If they want to know they will find out.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Oct 15, 2007 3:16 AM GMT
    When they ask....

    If I'm solicited at a blood drive...

    and that's about it
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    Oct 15, 2007 3:25 AM GMT
    I'm glad I looked at this topic, it just made me realize that I have a lot more control over this matter than I previously thought I did. Whenever I get a close friend, I wonder if I should say something, if I should leave it, but now I realize that unless I am asked, why should I feel obligated to tell? Friendormate's post in particular was very helpful. You guys here are just full of good advice. Thanks
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2007 4:48 AM GMT
    Honestly, any instance in which a straight person's sexuality would be "revealed" is when I reveal mine. Simple as that.

    As a gay rights activist (whose name slips me now) once put it, "If you want to live in a world where you can put your partner's picture on your desk, then do."
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    Oct 15, 2007 4:51 AM GMT
    A few years ago I was eating lunch in a restaurant popular with bikers in the Santa Barbara area. This biker chick, with all the subtlety of hooker (and three times the makeup), plopped herself at my table, paid me a bunch of raunchier compliments than I'd ever heard in a gay sex club, and asked me to come to her house and fuck her.

    I was...speechless (yes, it happens). Finally, I blurted, "But I'm GAY."

    Without skipping a beat, she said, "Oh, okay. Then you can fuck my boyfriend and I'll watch."

    I'm sure you can imagine what I did.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2007 5:16 AM GMT
    lol what did you do? j/k

    well i never said it my dad walked in on my watching gay porn and my sister told my school, and i eventually was forced off the wrestling and H2O polo teams, it sucked but oh well
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2007 6:40 AM GMT
    I assume its common knowledge and I conduct my life and my conversations as if it is. Most of the time, people that don't know figure it out pretty quickly, and since I don't make a big deal out of it, neither do they. Some people are a little slower to figure it out and the question will come up... and I just answer "Oh, I thought you knew that I'm gay" and I let it drop.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2007 6:55 AM GMT
    I usually don't disclose that aspect of myself to anyone freely, especially since it's none of their business!

    But if someone does ask, I do admit it. Or if a girl is showing interest in me, I admit it to her, assuring her that it's not some lame excuse that I'm attracted to her, but I would rather be with the guy behind her if we're at a straight bar.

    Otherwise, there's no need for me to "advertise" this aspect of my personal life.
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    Oct 15, 2007 7:08 AM GMT
    I have to read the person carefuly. It's usually during our first conversation when I decide I will tell them. I then offer this information when they ask if I have a girlfriend. Even though they know I am gay, they still ask if I have a girlfriend...funny.
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    Oct 15, 2007 9:02 AM GMT
    Thanks guys. You're all very helpful.
    Surfsdown, this sort of thread is when RJ truly shines. OW, that story is hilarious. Such a thing would never happen to me, but if it did my eyes would light up real big, I'd say "For real?" and the moment would be spoiled.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2007 9:15 AM GMT
    It very rarely comes up. I used to mention it when someone tried to set me up with a woman! At work I assume they know I have never tried to be someone I am not.

    My challenge in life right now is when do I tell someone (gay or straight) that I am HIV+? That is just as tough as the gay one.
  • thorn27

    Posts: 214

    Oct 15, 2007 10:46 AM GMT
    i never feel the need to hide or mention i,m gay
    if they want to know they can just ask
    i,m not going to hide it, but dont feel the need to advertise it either
    in holland being gay is normal just as str8 is

    now when it comes to medical conditions tell the ones that need to know else its non of their business
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2007 11:13 AM GMT
    I don't think I've ever come out and said, "oh by the way, I have sex with men." But I'm a really open person, and if I'm comfortable enough with someone, I might mention a past boyfriend or something and there's usually an unspoken, "oohhh, okay, good to know, let's move on" moment for the person who hears it.

    That said, I just started a job in Japan, and I've kept my personal life out of the office, which is the custom here (straight or gay)... and it's oddly refreshing to have the two (career and personal life) completely separate.

    But yeah, in normal circumstances, I don't tell someone, it becomes naturally revealed in conversation.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2007 11:25 AM GMT
    If someone asks, I'll tell them.

    On a side note, the last time I went to a blood drive, there was that question that asked do you have sex with other men, and of course I answered yes. Unfortunately because of that, I couldn't donate blood. One of my friends asked me, why didn't you answer no? I told him, I was lying to myself for years, so why am I going to lie to other people now? It'd be kind of hypocritical.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2007 11:57 AM GMT
    When someone asks.

    Sometimes I will make a comment about my partner Iain...or sometimes people will notice his picture and ask, but not too often.

    Usually my career and personal life are totally seperate, they rarely overlap unless I have stay over guests on the boat, or less frequently at the house, and they generally know in advance.

    Actually I think I have gay people who are unsure ask more often than straight people.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2007 1:26 PM GMT
    obscenewishI was...speechless (yes, it happens).


    Wait, wait, wait!!! You were WHAT?! icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2007 1:38 PM GMT
    As often as possible. For example -

    "I'll have a bowl of your chana masala, please, I am gay."

    "I'll be paying for this with my debit card. I am gay."

    "Hello? 911? I think my neighbor is beating his wife again. I am gay."

    "You charge how much for an oil change? What are you, nuts? I am gay."
  • Alan95823

    Posts: 306

    Oct 15, 2007 1:46 PM GMT
    LOL, McGay, you crack me up.

    I blew the doors off my closet when I was 18, so I just act as if everyone knows I'm gay and I don't bring it up unless it's appropriately necessary.

    Some of it depends on my mood, though. If someone asks if I'm married, I'll either say no, or I'll say "well, if I was in love with someone I'd like to be but it's not legal for my people to be married in this country... yet"

    About the only other time it comes up is if a woman starts flirting with me. I think the line "I'm sorry, I don't date outside my gender" is funny to use, but it's offended a few in the past so I just say "I'm sorry, I don't date girls, but if any of my straight guy friends is looking for a lovely lady, I'll keep you in mind"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2007 2:22 PM GMT
    Well it's pretty much on my resume, literally, so I am always out at work. When a girl hits on me I generallyjust tell them I like boys more than they do.

  • Oct 15, 2007 2:27 PM GMT
    I guess everyone would have their own circumstance in which to disclose. I guess you would have to feel comfortable enough to say it and really go with your gut feeling.

    I told my parents this past January and now we laugh about guys I date or anything like that. My parents are the best and open with me so I actually was lucky because that usually doesn't happen in Catholic families. I figure my family is the only ones I care to tell openly so screw everyone else.

    I told some co-workers but more of a friend basis, not because I wanted a cookie. I still know some would just gossip so I don't mention anything to that side, and I work in accounting so yeah it wouldn't be the best thing at this point.

    People will talk mess whether you give them a reason to or not, and if you do just be ready for anything in the future. I actually like when people are unsure and then when they do find out its always, oh i always knew. Screw you idiot, if you had the balls you would have asked, I don't know, my mentality is since people ask if I'm gay, I always ask if they are straight, lol.