hey i have been thinking about this for along time,... but im gonna come out to my parents over spring break.. can i get some advice?

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    Mar 05, 2009 7:48 AM GMT
    so some background on the parents... dad: super catholic.. i feel like he has it kinda figured out..but there is always that chance.. hes really cool and im closest to him. my mom is kinda crazy, she has based her whole life off of what her parents think of her, so she tries to make our "side" of the faily seem perfect.. which is not true at all! but she is totally ignorant to everything an has absolutely no idea at all! so i feel like she will be te one that has the hardest time with it. i have two sisters and one brother. they all know and they are scared for me! but its burning me up inside to hold this lie against my parents!

    just looking for some advice,

    thanks and have a good one!! icon_smile.gif

    Nick
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    Mar 05, 2009 7:51 AM GMT
    before you do this:

    1) make certain you are in a position to cover all your own costs before telling them, in the event that they cut you off financially.

    2) make certain that NOW (or whenever spring break is) is the right time.

    3) be ready to accept that they may not accept. i hope they do, but make certain that the catholic and the crazy aren't necessary to your survival anymore. you must be able to be strong enough to continue without regret.
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    Mar 05, 2009 8:06 AM GMT
    dancerjack saidbefore you do this:

    1) make certain you are in a position to cover all your own costs before telling them, in the event that they cut you off financially.

    2) make certain that NOW (or whenever spring break is) is the right time.

    3) be ready to accept that they may not accept. i hope they do, but make certain that the catholic and the crazy aren't necessary to your survival anymore. you must be able to be strong enough to continue without regret.


    wow @ #1? Does that really happen? If so, that's sad.

    I suggest you talk to them separately. It seems as if your dad might have an inkling so it might not be as brutal. Having your mom around him (and her possible hysterics upon finding out) might influence him otherwise.

    Your crazy mom is like my crazy mom~ head of the country club's women's group and volunteer at community charities. She jumped up and down the sofa and pumped her fists in the air (to rival the Bolivarian socialists) when she found out. After a few days (and a few valiums), she was calmer. Now, we shop together. It'll be all good.

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    Mar 05, 2009 9:09 AM GMT
    I think dancer_jack gave really good advises.

    Ill give you some other advises as well...

    Do not come out to your parents until you know both of them have a clue that you might be gay, make sure you give them some clues before you decide to open up to them and I would highly recommend you that after they have some clue then you should make it really obvious so they dont have any doubt at all.

    After that one of them might approach to you and ask you if youre gay, if they ask you is because theyre ready to hear the answer. If they never ask you is because theyre expecting you to hide your sexual orientation for the rest of your life. If thats the case then go and talk to them and make sure they understand the message.

    Secondly if you like to look masculine then please tell them that, that could help them to process the "news" a little bit easier. Im not discriminating any guy who likes to look more girly and feels comfortable with it, Im just saying that if you dont like it please let them know because that's the first thing that they might think of you when you come out to them, and that's what more parents are afraid of. If it doesnt apply to your case then make it clear to them that you like to be a masculine guy, if not then make clear that youre happy that way and that you want to be yourself.

    Finally I would highly recommend you to have a boyfriend by the time you do this. This person might be emotionally helpful for you. Of course its not absolutely necessary but itll help you man, thats for sure.

    Give your parents time, and never change your attitude toward them, if you want to be understood you have to understand them first and give them the time they need.

    best of luck man, Im pretty sure youre parents will understand eventually.
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    Mar 05, 2009 1:57 PM GMT
    I have said several times on these threads to try to look at your coming out from your parents' point of view. Think of issues that they might be facing when they hear the news.....such as, no daughter-in-law and grandkids from you. This might not be such an issue with your parents because you have siblings. But they undoubtedly have had dreams of you when you are grown up. Being gay, probably wasn't one of them. So be prepared to comfort them if you know of any such issues that might arise.

    Also, will your siblings be present or, at least around the house, when you tell your parents? I am thinking they can be a great backup in case your parents freak. They can reassure your parents that it is ok....ok with your brother and sisters....and ok in society today.
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    Mar 05, 2009 3:20 PM GMT
    I think Dancerjack gives good advice about financial security. Sounds like you are in school. If they react badly can you continue with your school, goals etc if they decide to cut you off? If you can't I would wait until you are set financially.

    More importantly do you have an emotional support network. Do you have those that know you are gay and love and support you regardless in case that support is gone from your parents.

    These are hopefully all worst case scenarios and I did not face these issues, but I have had friends and more importantly friends with college age nieces and nephews who ran into these scenarios.

    Make sure you are in a good secure position financially, emotionally, physically etc.
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    Mar 05, 2009 3:24 PM GMT
    I won't reiterate the advice given above, but it is good.

    I'll let you know that I came out to my mom at your age (well, 21). I took her to our favorite restaurant to make it easier and told her. I'd do the same thing if I were you. Take them someplace that they will feel comfortable listening to it. It would also be good in a semi-public place, because it might cut down on any possible screaming situations (they wouldn't want to embarrass themselves).

    I was pretty terrified about what would happen, and like with what you will face, it is a huge gamble. You never know how people will react to this kind of revelation. Please be ready in case it goes poorly.

    Please let us know what happens!

    --Mike

  • Mikeylikesit

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    Mar 05, 2009 3:28 PM GMT
    I'm placing bets that your parents already know. Trust me, Moms are smarting then you think. I'm sure she will be like.." I knew all along, i'm so glad you told me"....Just my two cents, for what its worth. Don't make it such a big ordeal, just do it in casual conversation. icon_biggrin.gif....Best of luck though, You'll be glad you did it.
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    Mar 05, 2009 3:35 PM GMT
    Great advice here for you - especially with respect to making sure your financial situation is secure before taking a chance on pissing off your parents. I've seen one too many codicils to wills disinheriting gay children:

    "It is my intention herein to make absolutely no provision whatsoever for my ungrateful son, for reasons well known to him."

    Don't let that happen to you - and I'm hoping your own parents are not vicious homophobes. Hopefully, all will be happy and good in your family when you share this news.
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    Mar 05, 2009 3:40 PM GMT
    Wow! Good luck. I think many gave great advise on here.

    Yes make sure you can take care of yourself finacially. I would hate to think they would cut you off but it has happened.

    I also agree. make sure your brothers and sisters are there when you do. They one can witness the results. If mom and dad cut you off, chances are they will stand up for you and be there for you. You will need the support.

    What you are doing takes a lot of courage. Good luck and god bless you.
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    Mar 05, 2009 3:42 PM GMT
    I agree with most of the advice noted above, especially with dancerjack's advice.

    To add to that:
    Please take my advice and DO NOT mention any kind past abuse you may have encountered (inappropriate touch by a camp counselor etc). Many times parents will immediately want to try to put the blame on some incident.

    You were born Gay. No one made you that way. Along that same line of thought, don’t bring anyone with you when you tell them…again the blame thing. They will immediately blame the person that is with you.

    Best of luck!

  • Sayrnas

    Posts: 847

    Mar 05, 2009 5:08 PM GMT
    Good luck man. I'm rootin' for ya!
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    Mar 05, 2009 6:12 PM GMT
    Here's an idea. Bring home a girl dressed in a burqa, full head dress and all. Bring home a very large male of another race, black or asian, someone much much larger than yourself. Bring home a really really really ugly girl. Bring home the kind of guy you're attracted to (assuming that he won't freak your parents out worse than the others based on his appearance). Tell your parents you're all going to play a little game where they have to guess which one of these guests is your type. I think they'll be relieved at the end.
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    Mar 05, 2009 6:16 PM GMT
    wow thanks for all the advice guys, i really appreciate it!

    i am going down to florida on friday and i have a week with them and my brother, so he will be around when i do it. but i will definitely keep you posted on how it goes.

    thanks again! icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 05, 2009 6:22 PM GMT
    Taking into account the valuable advice given above, just do it icon_wink.gif

    All my family is very catholic. My coming out experience was rough, for them and for me, but it was absolutely positive in the long run.

    Good luck!
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Mar 05, 2009 6:50 PM GMT
    Nick, you have gotten some great advice. Also give your parents some benifit of doubt, they just might surprise you. Plus you should also assume your mother knows, she might not be as blissfully unaware of your sexuality as you might think she is. I speak from experiance, mothers always knowicon_exclaim.gif

    Doug
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    Mar 06, 2009 5:54 AM GMT
    Lots of great advice from Dancerjack and others Nick. The parent-child roles kinda switch for a bit after you tell them, they'll have lots of questions for you so make sure you can answer them with confidence.

    Like Caslon said, if you come out to one of your siblings first (your brother) and have them there to support you and help your parents a bit, it definitely helps. I had my brother with me when I told my parents, and we were both almost laughing as I told my parents, they thought I was joking at first.icon_lol.gif

    If you do decide to come out, it can take them a long time to get used to it (months). Be very patient with them, just remember how long it took you to come to terms with it. I thought I had made a huge mistake a few days after I had told them, because it was really awkward for a bit. But it was definitely worth it in the long run.

    If you are financially dependent and think that there is a good possibility that they would not accept it, definitely wait until you are done school and out of the house.

    Good luck!
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    Mar 07, 2009 4:24 AM GMT
    I came out to my family in July 2008 and I wish I had done it earlier or someone would have outed me. It was ver anti-climatic and I was way more concerned about it than they were.

    I was raised Southern Baptist and very conservative. Now I feel like thwy are actually trying to relate to me. It wouldn't surprise me if they joined PFLAG.

    Being gay isn't what it was 20 years ago. Don't get me wrong, it's not cool to be a homosexual, but it's cool to be friends with or have a homosexual brother. It lets people think they are cultured.
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    Mar 07, 2009 4:40 AM GMT
    tell them at the same time, so they don't feel you're playing favorites, even subconsciously. make sure its never in an angry or tense situation- tell them out of love, not spite- some use it as a weapon in an argument.

    evoke their parental sympathy- mope a bit until they ask what's wrong, really get them to imagine the worst for a bit (you've gotten a girl pregnant and owe a drug lord a half a mil),
    then make them pull it out of you, as you fight back tears and look bravely into their eyes and say those words for the first time- if you make it important, they'll respect it. if you come from a place of certainty but emotional weakness, they'll believe the certainty and not want to crush you emotionally any further.

    answer any and all questions they'll have honestly and candidly (aren't you too young to know? how do you know? when did you first get these feelings? do you think it could be a phase? was it something we did or didn't do as parents? do you want to talk to a therapist? do you want self defense classes? have you been sexually active- and safe?).

    sometimes parents reactions are not as bad as anticipated. ultimately, if they love you as they should, despite possibly acting surprised or even upset initially, they will tell you that you're their son, their parental love is unconditional, and they just want you to be safe and happy- they'll always be in your corner because that's what parents are for; no matter what, they're there for you.

    mine told me as much, and went on to say that it'd take some time to get used to the idea, but that they would try and would be there for me, always.

    yours, being so catholic (mine are strict lutheran, but that's not as bad), may need some time for religious soul-searching, as their ideology may need to shift a bit. give them time if that's the case.

    good luck.


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    Mar 07, 2009 4:54 AM GMT
    My only advice would be to let your siblings know when you are going to do it. If you end up needing emergency emotional support its best they know to expect possible drama ahead of time.