What do you do when your good friend becomes a “shut in”?

  • cdnclub

    Posts: 79

    Oct 15, 2007 5:38 PM GMT
    I have a good friend of mine who found a new boyfriend. They have been dating for the past 3 months. He’s basically become a "shut in" in his own home. The two of them are glued at the hip. My friend no longer has the desire to spend time with friends, i.e. me. He used to go biking, camping and yoga among other things and he was so much fun. He has cancelled numerous outings, or brought his boy friend along, which is ok, but I am wondering if I should say something to him. I think that he will look back and regret his withdrawal from his friends. I am very happy that he has found someone, but also think that by spending so much time together the relationship will burn out early. Has anyone else been through this? Should I just sit tight and say nothing, or suggest that he make himself more available to his friends and not focus solely on his new boyfriend?
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    Oct 15, 2007 6:47 PM GMT
    I would say that 3 months is not that long really and they must still be in their honeymoon period. I'm sure you haven't been forgotten but really I think you need to give them their space.

    Your friend will come back to you in time. Be happy that he's found someone he really likes.

    Meanwhile perhaps you should concentrate on your own life, do you have someone special in your life?
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    Oct 15, 2007 7:13 PM GMT
    Sing "Hello Dolly" when you next see him ... icon_biggrin.gif

    ...."it's so nice to have you back where you belong"... oh, I am sure you know the words...you must! you're gay! You probably still have your hats and boas from the last production you starred in... icon_lol.gif
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    Oct 15, 2007 7:39 PM GMT
    You don't mention if your friend has done this with previous relationships or not. If this IS a pattern, it is something he should be made aware of, because what he's doing is taking advantage of your friendship, and assuming you'll be there when he doesn't have a man around to occupy his time (and his bed). If it isn't a pattern, but goes on, say, another couple of months, then I'd bring it to his attention that although you're happy for him, you're feeling a little neglected and want to spend some time with him to keep the friendship on track.

    In the meantime, you should contact him and say something in a humourous way, like, "I know you and I don't have naked fun together like you and ______ do, but I would love to spend some one-on-one time with you myself!" Then have him commit to a date & time. If he asks to bring the new bf, just tell him you'd like to spend some time alone with him this time, but that he's welcome to join you the next time. Keep the mood of the conversation light & casual so that he doesn't feel pressured into doing it out of a sense of commitment or guilt.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16415

    Oct 15, 2007 7:40 PM GMT
    I would probably let him know that he's been missed and how much you enjoyed and appreciated him as a friend (and based on your post, I'm quite sure it would come across as genuine, not a resentful response). I'd also let him know your here if he would like to spend some time.

    I do agree with Red above, thats about all you can do and I'd focus on your life and your "quality time".
    We do seem to have good friends that are with us for years and others that come and go to a degree based on
    life experiences. I certainly wish you well, I know how important a good quality friend is.
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    Oct 15, 2007 7:44 PM GMT
    I'd consider saying something. When me and my man first got together, we were always together, and I didn't see any of my friends for about two years. By the time I realised how long it had been, we'd all sort of grown apart. I often wish someone had told me I was being excessively couply
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    Oct 16, 2007 1:07 AM GMT
    I say don't be afraid to mention it. Communication is a wonderful thing within reason.

    The best thing to do is to just state your opinion, which is that you miss your friend and want to spend some time together. Thats pretty much all you can do though. If nothing changes, don't forget about him, but don't be afraid to find alternative friends either.

    I know what you are going through. The issue with the majority of my friends is that they only have friends to replace the fact that they don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend. I've had friends completely forget about me while they were dating someone and then suddenly pop up when they break up.

    I state my opinion, I leave them be and I go on with my life until they decide to pop up again.

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    Oct 16, 2007 1:25 AM GMT
    Communication is key.

    But he may have another major element in his life now.

    Tell him you miss your friend, but that you would like to arrange some things that the three of you could do together.

    Get to know your friends partner. Who knows, he may soon turn into your good friend as well. If you turn out to not like him... well I am sure your friends never liked everyone you dated either.

    Be patient, be cool, be there for your friend.

    Don't ask for something he can't give you right now.

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    Oct 16, 2007 5:45 AM GMT
    Some one in the relationship is very insecure, the need to dominat some one's time and keep them away from friends and family can become very serious. Insecurity can become very dangerous if the relationship turns to drugs or a form of abuse, even mentally abusing some one is very common. Keep a distant eye on him, he may need you more than you realize in the not to distant future.icon_neutral.gif
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    Oct 16, 2007 7:16 AM GMT
    As someone with a glass chronically half-empty, I say "get it while you can."

    Maybe he's just been lonely for a long time.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Oct 16, 2007 10:47 AM GMT
    Unless he's sending out smoke signals for help I'd leave this one alone
    He's in a new relationship - with all the wanting to be together 24hrs a day that goes with it
    if you miss him ... tell him that the next time you see him
    but don't say that you're worried about him
    he's a big boy, right?
    who can handle things by himself
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    Oct 16, 2007 12:03 PM GMT
    Don't tell him "You SHOULD do this..." or "You SHOULD do that..."

    Just tell him how YOU feel.

    A simple "I miss you. We should hang out more again." would probably work wonders.

    And beyond that, just make sure he knows you're available when the time arises that he does choose to hang out. Continue inviting him to parties or to come with you to events with people.
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    Oct 16, 2007 3:16 PM GMT
    Are you his mother or something....

    Why don't you just tell him that you are JEALOUS and you want him for yourself.

    or better yet....GET YOUR OWN BOYFRIEND AND LIFE!!!
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    Oct 16, 2007 3:28 PM GMT
    Yes, because we all know having a boyfriend is synonymous with having a life.[/sarcasm]

    I agree with all the posters that suggest having a non-accusatory conversation with your friend where you simply express your desire to see more of him again.

    That said, I'm pretty surprised by the number of people that think your good friend's behavior is typical of people in a honeymoon period. I don't think I've ever had someone I counted as a good friend cconsistetly cancel plans on me and always bring a bf/gf along to everything we do, that sounds really unhealthy to me and, speaking honestly, I would feel pretty hurt if someone I cared about did that to me. I just wanted to add a voice letting you know that that behavior isn't normal by everyone's standards and you really have a right to feel alienated. I don't think it's personal towards you at all but it is pretty crapy nonetheless and makes me wonder what kind of relationship experience your friend has had in the pat.
  • cdnclub

    Posts: 79

    Oct 16, 2007 3:40 PM GMT
    Hey Guys,

    Thanks for all your responses! I think I will let things coast for a while and see what develops. I’ll still keep in touch and invite him(them) out. He’s really just too good of a friend to give up without some real effort on my part.

    KingBee38: Please feel free to ignore any future posts by me if you can’t give any constructive advice.
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Oct 16, 2007 3:51 PM GMT
    Hi Cdnclub

    It can be irritating how some friends abandon you as soon as a romantic interest comes along.

    You should keep lines of communication open, invites etc, but not get too upset by his lack of attention. Some friends are just like that.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 17, 2007 1:04 PM GMT
    This is text book relationship stuff.

    Your friend is insecure and is afraid of what will happen if he leaves his new BF alone to entertain himself.

    We've all been in the honeymoon stage and ususally you want to share that by spending time as a couple with your friends or spend time alone with your friends so you can brag about your boyfriend.

    Unless you are too insecure to leave your BF alone.

    Your job is to be there for him as a friend when he needs you, and if it is bothering you that much, tell him how you feel.