Moms ..

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    Mar 09, 2009 6:29 PM GMT
    How do you describe your relationship with your mom ? as an openely gay guy... tell your story



    When I came out I told my father only, then he told my mom. Until now I don't know how was the conversation between them, but he said that it's hard for her to understand..
    Since then she mentioned the sexuality issue few times when she was angry or couldn't hold herself, it looks like she still doesn't understand.
    -----------------------------------------
    I remember one day my parent's guests' came to our house, with their 20 y.o son.. In the kitchen I said to my mom: "omg he's so cute"
    - she was like: " who's cute ?!"
    - "their son"
    -"what son??"
    So, you can see how much is it hard for her to deal with it .. That was my only attempt to make her absorb the fact, and probably the last for now..
    Ironicly, when I want to talk about my feelings I go to my mom, I feel that she can understand them better than my father.


    (p.s - their son wasn't cute at all... icon_neutral.gif )
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    Mar 09, 2009 8:11 PM GMT
    I've been very fortunate. I told my Dad first. He said, "OK."

    He took me to counseling with him. The counselor decided that we have one of the best Father-Son relationships he's seen in awhile. Ten years later he's still my best friend. P.S. - I miss my Dad and can't wait to go hiking and fishing in AZ in May with him.

    My mom I told second. She said, "Finally."

    She worked in a gay bar for six years when I was little. I think she had seen enough to know what it's like and our lifestyle. Sometimes I think my Mom wishes I didn't tell her some of the things I do.
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    Mar 09, 2009 8:16 PM GMT
    debussy81 said
    She worked in a gay bar for six years when I was little.


    What are the odds !!? I think it's cool to have a mom that understand this lifestyle.. you can go hang out in the bar that she works in, how would it be like?
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    Mar 09, 2009 8:45 PM GMT
    I wasn't an openly gay guy, so my story's a bit different, but I hope OK to share anyway as a contrast.

    My mother died when I was 44, nearly 2 years before I came out to myself, and so we never discussed it. But as I've written elsewhere on RJ, I later learned she already knew I was gay, from before I was a teen.

    And her response, and my father's, was to try to have me "cured" with things like hypnosis therapy beginning at age 13 (they lied to me and said the hypnosis sessions were for my "nervousness"). Even the very primitive & rugged summer camps where they sent me prior to that had been part of their plan to toughen me up, before they concluded my "problem" was more serious.

    Yet ironically, when I finally started dating women for the first time at 26, mostly to please my parents, and began to talk of marriage, my mother tried to discourage me. As she told my sister (but not me), she had finally accepted that I was likely always going to be gay, and getting married would be a mistake. Yet my parents & sister said nothing, letting the marriage happen (which quickly failed), holding out the slim hope that maybe a straight sex life would finally "fix" me.

    So I wish we had discussed the matter, and had a more open relationship with my parents on many levels. And BTW, I never mentioned it to my father, either, nor he to me. He was terminally ill when I came out of denial, and I saw no reason to possibly cause him more stress in the last year of his life. I wanted to talk about it with him very badly, but decided instead his final comfort was more important than my need to get things off my chest.
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    Mar 09, 2009 10:10 PM GMT
    I told my parents over dinner one night about 20 years ago when I still lived with them. It was very hard and really unnecessary at the time. At first they thought I was going to tell them I got a girl pregnant. I think I wanted them to kick me out for some stupid reason. Anyway they didn't but they thought I was just running around with the wrong crowd. My dad started watching Oprah. icon_rolleyes.gif My mom wouldn't deal with it. They did send me to a counselor who just happened to have a lesbian daughter. She told me that she knew I didn't have a problem but my parents did.

    At one point my dad did want me to move and forbade me to bring any of my friends over My mom put a stop to me moving real quick. She was probably afraid that she would never see me again which would have been true. I don't know if my older sister knows. Never really cared to tell her. I do catch my nephew and niece stopping themselves from calling things gay when I'm around though.

    I did take a trip with my mom to her hometown in Arkansas at one point. It was just the two of us in the car for the entire 12 hour drive. The only thing I remember about that trip was her talking to me about being gay. Then about a year or so later my dad was helping me move from San Antonio to Austin and we had the same conversation. He seemed pleased when I told him that Mom and I had the same talk and concluded that if it is genetic then I get it from her side of the family.

    My mom is the most negative thinking person I know and she really pisses me off often. She isn't as bad as she used to be. I used to tell her that if she didn't change the subject (which was always me) she was complaining about I would hang up the phone and I did hang up the phone multiple times. For right now we get along very well. I've disowned her in the past but my sister was the one that always got us talking again.

    They still think I'll turn straight.
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    Mar 09, 2009 11:12 PM GMT
    I told my mother when I was a freshman in college that I was gay, and she said that it was "a very lonely life". She never likes to talk about my social life, and will generally change the subject if it comes up. For the most part my sisters (all three of them) do that too. Its like this passive aggressive way of not acknowledging it.

    My dad and I have a strange relationship. I've mentioned it to him. His father was gay, which throws another level into that relationship. One of his girlfriends told him also, and at that point he seemed to realize that it wasn't just something I was saying to make him angry. He seems more concerned with the fact that I don't really share my life with him, other than the fact that I work for him.

    My older brother knew when I was 9. There was one drunken night in a hotel in New Orleans when he'd been out drinking and decided he was going to "toughen me up" and started hitting me and calling me names and just wouldn't leave me alone. I finally landed a solid kick in the balls, and he looked at me with this totally shocked look on his face and went to sleep it off in his car. He died suddenly when I was fourteen and to this day the one memory of him I wish I didn't have is that night. My parents and sisters still don't know why he was slept in his car that night. Wouldn't do any good to tell them either.

    About a year ago I told my mom that I was lonely and she said "I told you so." It was pretty much the moment I realized I can't really look to her for support.

    Maybe I've over shared, but I've never really talked (or written) about coming out. It made me thankful for my friends and extended family as they've been nothing but supportive. I'm also thankful for a very gifted therapist in college who helped me sort myself out so to speak.
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    Mar 09, 2009 11:27 PM GMT
    my mother is very Loving, and understanding.....but has trouble listening sometimes...she wants to accept things..but do to culture/faith/social impacts/complications it is hard for her...but she loves me unconditionally, and I love her unconditionally....ironically her and I got into a screaming fight right before getting on RJ....my heart is still beating a million miles an hour....*sigh* deep breaths....it all started when I decided to ask my mom's sister what has been bothering her and her husband, they seem a little bitter and meloncholy....my mom went off on me saying that I need to mind my own business and worry about my own affairs!!!...and here I was just being a caring nephew, asking if they needed any help....Its a shame when good intentions are mistaken as negative ones....in the end they just wanted me to be happy and healthy and worry about my own affairs.....mothers and their queer son's relationships can be soooo complicated and full of DRAMAicon_eek.gificon_exclaim.gificon_exclaim.gif
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    Mar 10, 2009 4:31 AM GMT
    ogm....I think mom just wants to vent....its past midnight..and our altercation started around 6pm...still going...to make her stop her ranting and raving, bickering, passive aggresiveness etc I had to just completly agree with what she was saying...I know when to just walk away....*sigh* my mommy dearest still treats me like a teen!!...but oh well, our relationship has alot of drama but under all those layers exists deep love and admiration...and acceptance(eventually)icon_lol.gificon_exclaim.gificon_exclaim.gif
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    Mar 10, 2009 4:36 AM GMT
    I wish my mom was still around to tell, she'd love me just the same.
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    Mar 10, 2009 4:43 AM GMT
    I am sure she would be proud knowing what a gentleman you turned out to beicon_smile.gif
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    Mar 10, 2009 5:57 AM GMT
    My father was forced at gunpoint to marry a women he did not love, from a moment of lust, she fell pregnant, with what was to become their only daughter.

    I was not born, as I was kicked and told to get out. She did not give birth to me, as I was something she had removed.

    This women was a catholic terrorist, and below our class. I got punished for my fathers family being Lutheran, and for being born above her and her family. So they abused me, because of my birth right, in an attempt to bring me down.

    I never had a mother, but a vessel. I know this women as being a terrorist, she terrorised my Pa, and I too. Pure evil.
  • OptimusMatt

    Posts: 1124

    Mar 10, 2009 7:07 AM GMT
    Jesus - I don't mean to denigrate your relationships/experiences but man...I'm one lucky bastard.

    My mother was a teenage mother, my bio daddy was a cokehead. Mum told him you're either a full-time father or a deadbeat dad with no access to me...he chose to be a deadbeat. His family disowned me from birth and daddy killed himself when I was 2. No one told me and I didn't figure it out until I was 19 (OHHH - you know it IS pretty retarded that he died while 'working on his car' with the car running and the garage door closed - le sigh). Grew up knowing what happened but...I was/am pretty naive.

    My mother met my step-father around that time, had my brother when I was 3. I grew up in a 'relatively' nuclear family with a step-sister that's closer than blood. My teenage years were...rough. I went from being an angel-child to a hellion and spent about 3 years in a drug-induced stupor.

    It was around the third year, after I quit the chems and was just smoking pot that I accepted and publicly recognized I was gay. I wasn't living at home at the time and I remember coming out to my family over a backyard barbeque dinner with my parents. My mother's response: "I've known since you were 16."

    Well...thanks for sharing. icon_razz.gif

    It was around this time I met the man that was to be the most significant relationship I've had to date. He helped me grow in so many ways that my mother saw, and more ways that she never will. I think the 3 years (the last .5 wasn't so great) of being in a stable relationship with a man, and watching me grow up INTO a man, really helped her. Not that she had a problem with me being gay in the first place, but I know she was/is always concerned that I'll go the route of my father. I think recognizing that I had the balls to admit something so difficult for so many people helps her to sleep easier at night. If I can deal with being gay...I'm pretty sure I can deal with anything, no matter how difficult.

    Not that it's ever actually been difficult for me, what with the horseshoe lodged up my ass and whatnot.

    I LOVE my mother - she's endeavored to provide me with all the essentials and niceties of life. She's taught me to persevere in the face of overwhelming odds - who'd have thought that a 17 year old single mother living just above the poverty line could have everything that she's got today.

    Last week I took her out to see the vagina monologues. This weekend or next I'm taking her out to celebrate her 'lifetime' membership at weight watchers (something about maintaining her goal weight for a certain amount of time or something like that).

    She's happy, she's healthy, she's beautiful, and I love her very much. And even if I have to wait on her hand and foot someday because she's old and frail....I'll be by her side, and I'll never let her forget how much I love her.
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    Mar 10, 2009 7:26 AM GMT
    My mom just said "I know" when I finally told here. Of course I had also been bringing my boyfriend at the time over to every family function and holiday. We never really spoke about sex or relationships, but it was more that my family just has an extreme respect for each other's privacy. Both of my parents always respected my decisions whether they agreed or not, and their only stipulation was that I accepted the consequences. The only time I had to obey their rules or beliefs is if I had to ask them for help. But, whether she approved of my lifestyle or not she came to really like my boyfriend, sometimes it seemed even more than me.
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    Mar 10, 2009 7:30 AM GMT
    BioMatty said

    She's happy, she's healthy, she's beautiful, and I love her very much. And even if I have to wait on her hand and foot someday because she's old and frail....I'll be by her side, and I'll never let her forget how much I love her.


    This quote literally sums up what I can say about my mother.

    My mother basically raised me as a single mother, and she provided me with anything/everything I could ever want and need. My mother is literally my best friend and I would take any amount of bullets for her...

    We may fight sometimes and we may not always agree on things. In the end though, my mother and I know we will always have each other, and I am so thankful for her presence in my life. She has provided for me, worked extra hours for me, come to every XC and Track meet no matter where it is to cheer me on even if I have a bad race...

    She's always accepted I was gay. It took some time, but now she listens when I complain about guys, talk about superficial things, and always offers her motherly words of wisdom.

    She works. She teaches. She loves...

    and without my mother I wouldn't be half the person I am today.
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    Mar 10, 2009 8:58 AM GMT
    well.... My mom and I have always have a stressed relationship. She raise me single, and is under a lot of stress from her parents being that she and after college i will be working in our family business. She is a recovering alcoholic, and according to her not so friendly friend my being gay and her father being an asshole are the causes of it, which she denies. She knows I am gay, and although talks about it and appears to accept it, doesnt really probe me about my relationships. As I said, we were never really "besties" but i guess my situation is better than others. Pretty much everyone i care to know knows except my grandfather, and well her not so friendly friend told my grandpa i was gay anyway so now he knows, but just never heard it from my lips. Anyway I guess since this topic is about moms im done! lol Although this may not help it gives you different perspectives!
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    Mar 10, 2009 9:18 AM GMT
    My parents found out when I was a sophomore in college. They disowned me until after graduation (how convenient). We still don't get along that well. In fact, I've not spoken to either of them in over a year.

    On the other hand, my partner's parents and family are all great.
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    Mar 10, 2009 9:35 AM GMT
    My mom and I have recently patched up our relationship. When my father died of cancer when I as a senior in high school, my mom ran off with a guy she would marry, and my brother ran off to China. I was pretty much left by myself to do the grieving and deal with being gay. Needless to say, for years I made some pretty poor choices, and was very angry for feeling completely abandoned.

    I came out to her and used it as a way to see if I'd ever have a relationship with her again, thinking if she didn't accept me then I'd just cut her out forever, which was the last ting I wanted.

    She accepted me and now says she should have figured it out, because she's always had gay friends. She donated my baby blanket to the AIDS quilt that was on the Nat'l Mall in D.C. sometime in the 1990s. She apparently ran around with gay men in college.

    So we have a much better relationship now, and it stems from her acceptance of me being gay. She helped me get over my first ugly relationship and loves my current boyfriend to pieces. His name is Sean and my older brother's name is Sean also, so she calls my boyfriend "little Sean" which I think is adorable.

    I think what sealed our relationship in many ways was when we went to Kansas about 6 months after I came out to her for her mother's funeral. I finally got to understand just how messed up her family was, and learned a lot about why she is the way she is (there was some horrible abuse that went on there). She's been through a lot, and to see how far she has come made me begin to really understand and respect her.
  • josephmovie

    Posts: 533

    Mar 10, 2009 10:22 AM GMT
    She said "Whatever you choose is fine with me". Although I love my mother, I am not particularly close to her and have always found we have little to talk about. But she is a good and kind person and that is never a bad thing.