Does it really make you colder and shallow for the next one?

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    Mar 10, 2009 12:58 AM GMT
    I was wondering...have you ever been in a relationship where you gave everything for it, like you can actually say you were in love with this guy because he makes you think he feels the same way, and all of a sudden everything is over and you just dont know what the hell to do, and you think it is the worst thing has ever happened to you...

    If you have, then did you get less vulnerable after that? Colder or even shallow somehow? Cause something like that happened to me like 2 years ago, and today i was thinking if thats probably the reason why I dont really fall for a guy anymore...and if my bf wants to brake up im more like OK and I dont really care.

    advice?
  • mcwclewis

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    Mar 10, 2009 1:03 AM GMT
    Yup.

    My last ex was perfect for a while. He didn't really change, I just started noticing things because I wasn't blinded any more.

    It's harder for me to get into a relationship now. If I do, I'm skeptical for a while. It's not going to stop me from falling in love, but it certainly will delay it.
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    Mar 10, 2009 2:15 AM GMT
    You are pretty damn young to be jaded but i kinda feel like that now after my 20 year relationship is over.
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    Mar 10, 2009 2:27 AM GMT
    Alpha you have every reason to be a bit jaded. I hope you find someone to bring you out of it. But Charlitos, please don't give up so soon. It self defeating.
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    Mar 10, 2009 2:41 AM GMT
    I really think that having a bit of shallowness to your personality at anytime may make it easier for you to grow colder, as you(people in general) tend not learn anything from the experience, since it was probably not your fault in your mind. And it cause of that that I recommend you try your hardest to learn from all your experiences, and to take everything with a bit of skepticism and a grain of salt whenever humanly possible. Because no matter how much somebody hurts you; it's the way you let it affect you and the time you carry it around that ultimately hurt you the most. Don't be bitter, cold and shallow just because most people are, and teach you how to be. It's not worth it.
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    Mar 10, 2009 2:41 AM GMT
    I dunno. Don't think 'jaded' feels quite right, maybe just more comfortable on one's own.

    I found myself single after 18 years.

    At first, I didn't know how to act. Couldn't imagine myself without someone to focus on. Dated ALOT of guys. In retrospect, maybe 'auditioned' was more apt a description.

    The guys didn't get better or worse. I think that I just got over the fear of being single. I think that I learned that it was okay to be alone with just me.

    It's okay to be single. It's good when we learn that we're complete as we are. None of us really need another person to validate that we're worthwhile and worthy of love. Once we really get that, the rest is gravy.

    Oddly enough, once I got that, my cup overflowed. Maybe security in oneself is just attractive? Again, I dunno.
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    Mar 10, 2009 2:43 AM GMT
    Heya Charlitos et al -

    Bryan Rzepczynski is a terrific resource. The self described "Gay Love Coach" has a no-nonsense approach. His website and free newsletter really hits the nail on the head, truly, and he offers some great advice, mixed up with humor and a dash of moxie.

    I've found his point of view refreshing and inspirational.

    His website is here: http://www.thegaylovecoach.com/
    Check it out! Good luck, Perry

    P.S. I'm not selling anything here!
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    Mar 10, 2009 2:47 AM GMT
    Completely.

    But I don't see it as jaded or bitter. Instead, that feeling is the knowledge that I will never give up as much as I did before. It is not that I think I am incapable of loving someone again (because I know I could), but instead it is the self-realization that I will never again allow myself to give up so much of what made me the person I am.

    Now, I just want someone to be my equal. That is my only relationship requirement.
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    Mar 10, 2009 2:50 AM GMT
    Charlitos, you'll find someone. I had a guy do that to me, then I met Sean. Really wonderful, sweet , caring guy.

    Scarabboy said he wants someone who treats him and is equal in the relationship. That's exactly what we have. But it happened only because I let myself be vulnerable again.

    Don't give up yet or allow yourself never to be vulnerable. Because then the guy that hurt you really wins.
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    Mar 10, 2009 3:03 AM GMT
    its called becoming jaded, and it happens to everyone after getting burned enough times. the trick is to maintain a hope that there ARE good guys out there, and to reserve judgement of a guy until you've gotten to know him- withholding your heart until such time as well; if he proves himself worthy of it, give it to him... otherwise, you're no worse for wear.
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    Mar 10, 2009 3:30 AM GMT
    It happens. Then all of sudden you meet someone that you have such incredible chemistry with, beyond anything you've ever experienced, and all that crap goes out the window.
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    Mar 10, 2009 3:33 AM GMT
    of course, one has to take into account one's own personal demons and weaknesses too.... those have to be overcome first, in order to really open up to another who finds himself deserving of your affection.
    some people are too emotionally constipated for whatever reason to let themselves care for another more than themselves- that's not being jaded... its something else entirely and that's to be watched out for too, in oneself as well as in others.
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    Mar 10, 2009 3:45 AM GMT
    I think it helps a lot to realize and keep in mind that things usually fall apart so better things can fall together. It keeps you open to the possibility of meeting someone that you have real chemistry with, real passion, that you can share your life completely with. That simple realization keeps you open to future possibilities and helps you avoid being bitter over the past. Good luck with this.
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    Mar 10, 2009 3:47 AM GMT
    well said YngHung
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    Mar 10, 2009 3:54 AM GMT
    I just don't get that giddy / twitterpated feeling really anymore. I used to get it after one date. Not like "OMG Lets get married!" But, you know, just super excited to get to see someone the next time. Now its more like "Meh, sure, we can hang out, or not, whatever."
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    Mar 10, 2009 3:55 AM GMT
    I understand the point so far. However I dont think Im bitter lol, im far away from that. I just dont trust guys, like I always think he might be just not taking me seriously, he might cheat on me at any point, if he does something I didnt like I dont really buy the excuse but I dont say anything about it. I guess there might be a guy I might have some good chemistry with but so far, even the times I tried a little harder, it wasnt the case, and accumulated experience tells me the next one might just follow pattern, and I dont want to think that, but I cant help it.
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    Mar 10, 2009 3:55 AM GMT
    I haven't gotten shallow or careless with relationships due to the nuts I've dated, but I do have a thicker skin. I suppose I'm not focusing on the other guy as dramatically as I did before. I was immature and made the men I dated my focus - VERY unhealthy. I've found that putting myself first really does help the relationship. I've also learned that love is more than emotions - you have to be mature to love someone and have a successful relationship.
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    Mar 10, 2009 3:55 AM GMT
    I think in a situation like this most people just become more guarded and have the defenses up more. You can't really blame them especially when they have been hurt.
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    Mar 10, 2009 4:03 AM GMT
    " and you think it is the worst thing has ever happened to you..."

    ultimately, time reveals that this is obviously not the case. sounds like u hav already come to that conclusion... yng is right, in that things always seem more important while ur caught up in them- hindsight and perspective reveals that there is ultimately nothing so important that u cant laugh at it all later. no one is worth carrying guilt, regret, or pain for- even soul-mates get hit by busses and we move on- the best of us always do- knowing and believing in that ability is a weapon against becoming strictly jaded and suspicious of others (though it may just be another strain of jadedness?), and a source of strength through detachment. no one can ever hurt you unless you give them the permission.

    good luck with ur inner battles... we each of us only ever ultimately have ourselves. no one else will ever 'complete' you, and the more u hold to the belief that someone can, the more dependent u will become on it, and will never get enough from another, in the long run. knowing this frees you to be happy with yourself, and anyone who comes along to share that self with is merely a side-perk to life, and a character in your story, however cherished or merely endured. they'll come and go; maybe one will last- but don't let them get to you so deeply that you can't laugh when they're gone, in time.


    "I reveal unto thee a great mystery. Ye stand between the abyss of height and the abyss of depth. In either awaits you a Companion; and that Companion is Yourself. Ye can have no other Companion."
    --LIBER TZADDI vel HAMVS HERMETICVS
    SVB FIGVRA
    XC



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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2009 4:12 AM GMT
    Only if you let it. It's probably why there is a rebound guy right after. Just remember your dealing with a completely different guy. Learn from the mistakes from the past sure. If you didn't you would be gullible.
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    Mar 10, 2009 4:38 AM GMT
    charlitos saidI understand the point so far. However I dont think Im bitter lol, im far away from that. I just dont trust guys, like I always think he might be just not taking me seriously, he might cheat on me at any point, if he does something I didnt like I dont really buy the excuse but I dont say anything about it. I guess there might be a guy I might have some good chemistry with but so far, even the times I tried a little harder, it wasnt the case, and accumulated experience tells me the next one might just follow pattern, and I dont want to think that, but I cant help it.



    Well I think you answered your own question right there. The relationship has gone sour because there was not enough communication. A guy can’t read you mind. When you hold things in without letting them out, you’ll exploded. You’ll end up despising the guy, until one day you’ll just hate him and he won’t know the reason why. You got to talk about your problems if you want to work though them. Communication saves the nation! You gotta be a friend before you be a lover. If you feel you can’t talk to him then he is not the one for you.
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    Mar 10, 2009 4:44 AM GMT
    i figure if the guys right you will want to open up for him and you wont have to force it, ur not suppose to for stuff in a relationship learned that the hard way.
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    Mar 10, 2009 5:11 AM GMT
    YngHungSFSD saidI think it helps a lot to realize and keep in mind that things usually fall apart so better things can fall together. It keeps you open to the possibility of meeting someone that you have real chemistry with, real passion, that you can share your life completely with. That simple realization keeps you open to future possibilities and helps you avoid being bitter over the past. Good luck with this.


    Trust me i know how you feel, and im right there with you. I think this is some advice that i schould take into account as well. I hope you take care because it is a shitty feeling
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    Mar 10, 2009 5:13 AM GMT
    I am already like a kiddie pool , if I get any shallower there will be no water left. tehehehehehe kidding
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    Mar 10, 2009 5:30 AM GMT
    My heart has become as frigidly distant as a ball of frozen ammonia on the far side of the Kuiper Belt that has escaped the dim warmth of it's solar orbit to wander alone for all eternity in the icy abysmal embrace of the interstellar void.