Favorite Joke?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2009 1:24 PM GMT
    These threads are really becoming a downer..so.....tell your favorite joke, please!
    Here is mine:

    A man walks into a bar with an octopus on a leash. The bartender says 'Get that smelly, slimy sea-creature out of my bar!"
    The man says" This is no ordinary octpus. He's musical."
    "Oh yeah, what does he play?"
    "Anything."
    "I bet you $300 he can't play that piano!"
    "Ok, deal What do you want to hear?" "How about 'Dixie'?"
    The man sits the octopus down on the bench and it begins to play the song. The bartender pays him his money. After some thinking he says "I bet you $1,000 he can't play that trombone!"
    "Deal! What do you want to hear?" "Why, '76 Trombones', of course!" He sits the octopus on the counter with the trombone and it begins to play flawlessly. Now the bar owner is really pissed. He goes into the back room and comes out with a dust covered bagpipe and says "I'll give you this damn place if he can play this!"
    "I don't know......"
    "HA! I thought you said he could play anything?" "Well, he's never played one before....but OK"
    He sits the octopus down on the counter and it wraps itself around the bagpipe clockwiise...unwraps and then wraps itself again counter-clockwise...
    See?!? He can't play it! You lose!!"
    "Now just wait a minute. As soon as he figures out he can't fuck it, he'll play it!"
  • SFGeoNinja

    Posts: 510

    Mar 10, 2009 3:51 PM GMT
    A morbidly obese guy decides once and for all that he's finally going to lose weight one day. He calls up a weight-loss hotline he sees on TV (you know like those ads for Hydroxycut, the packaged diet plans...) and a recepcionist answers:

    "Good afternoon, fatty, how many pounds would you like to lose today? We have a 10-pound weight-loss special for only $24.99."
    "Great, sign me up," the guy says.
    "Excellent, we'll send someone right over."

    15 minutes later, the man gets a knock at the door, and a gorgeous blonde bombshell is waiting outside. She's the most beautiful woman the man has ever seen.

    "Hello, sir, are you ready to lose those pounds."
    "Yes, I am!"
    "Well ok, I'll start running and if you catch me then you get to fuck me."

    It's been many years since the man been in any shape to go running, but he is nonetheless ecstatic.

    The two run all over town, for many many miles. Finally, after hours of intense running, the man catches up the blonde and has amazing sex with her (well it was amazing for him at least icon_biggrin.gif).

    The man is amazed to find that he has indeed lost the 10 pounds he was promised. He calls up the hotline the next day and asks to lose 25 pounds. The agency sends Angelina Jolie over to his house, who proceeds to take the fat guy on an even longer run.
    The rules are the same, "if you catch me you get to fuck me," says Angelina.

    Eventually the same thing happens, the guy finally catches up to her, hooks up with her, and loses said 25 pounds.

    The third time the guy calls up the hotline, he makes a more outlandish request.
    "I'd like to lose 100 pounds this time, " he says.
    "Ok, we'll send someone right over."

    There is a knock at the door. An 800 pound gorilla is standing outside. The gorilla says, "if I catch you, I get to fuck you!"
  • kaccioto

    Posts: 284

    Mar 10, 2009 3:55 PM GMT
    what’s the difference between a bond and a bond trader?

    a bond matures.


    "welcome to msnbc, breaking news this morning as lehman has changed their recommendation on lehman from hold to sell."
  • Sayrnas

    Posts: 847

    Mar 10, 2009 4:29 PM GMT
    Michael Jackson
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 10, 2009 5:43 PM GMT
    So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2009 5:58 PM GMT
    How do you fit four gay men on a barstool?

    You flip it over.

    How do you get them off?

    You shake it!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2009 6:03 PM GMT
    What's the difference between a leather daddy and a drag queen?


    Nothing
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2009 6:22 PM GMT
    Quasimodo dies, creating an opening for a bell ringer. An applicant answers the classified ad: a stout dwarf, who demonstrates his chops by flinging himself face first at the bell in the tower. Despite objections by his interviewer, the dwarf successfully strikes 11 times, albeit a bit dazed. The interviewer, impressed, encourages him, "It is noon, my good man! Strike twelve, forthwith!" Upon which the dwarf misses the bell completely and flies, arms flapping, out the tower and lands with a thud on the street below.

    A crowd gathers as the constable is called. "Who is this man?" asked the constable. "Sir, I didn't get his name," said the bellman interviewer, "but his face rings a bell."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2009 6:22 PM GMT
    No bells are heard from the tower of Notre Dame for the rest of the day. Next morning, the call to strike the bells is answered, again by a stout dwarf. His skills match that of the previous day’s dwarf. Again, it is noon and he has already struck eleven times. Fearing for the dwarf’s life, the interviewer calls out, “That’s quite enough! We can’t have you…” and realizes he is too late to stop the dwarf, who, distracted, slips and tumbles out of the tower, a sickening replay of the day before.

    Out on the street, the questions come as accusatory shouts. “Who is THIS man?” cried the constable. The interviewer mumbled, “I honestly don’t know, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2009 6:25 PM GMT
    What do you feed a gay horse?



    HeEey. (yeah, it's better told in person)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2009 6:32 PM GMT
    Tori Spelling enters a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

    tori_spelling_5u1SI.jpg
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2009 6:36 PM GMT
    What does a man with a 14 inch dick eat for breackfast?

    Well, this morning I had pancakes.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Mar 10, 2009 6:40 PM GMT
    tori spelling enters a bar and the bartender says "tomorrow night is drag night bitch!" "No 2 for one drinks for you!!"
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    Mar 10, 2009 6:42 PM GMT
    I will wholeheartedly admit I like Tori Spelling...I think she's nice. However, I can't pass up an opportunity for a joke.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 10, 2009 6:43 PM GMT
    A penguin is on vacation in Arizona. He's driving along and his car breaks down as he pulls into a small town. He manages to coax it into a service station.

    He waddles out of the car up the mechanic and says "Do you have time to take a look at it? I'm in a hurry, here. I'm dying in this heat."

    The mechanic says, "Sure Mr. Penguin. Why don't you wait inside the front store? We've got a little freezer case if you get too hot. I'll let you know what I find."

    So the penguin goes inside and hops into the freezer case to cool off. He's waiting, and waiting, and waiting and starts to feel hungry. He notices he's sitting in with some vanilla ice cream, so he decides to open a carton and have some. Being a penguin, he makes a bit of a mess.

    A few minutes later, the mechanic comes in and says to him, "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."

    The penguin says "No! No! It's just ice cream!"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2009 10:03 PM GMT
    A couple of pieces of string are walking down the street and decide to have a few beers. But the bar has a sign saying "NO STRING ALLOWED" so one piece of string leaves.. Not to be told no, the other one contorts himself and mess up his hair, then enters the bar.
    The bartender says," Hey! Aren't you a piece of string?"
    He says "Nope. Frayed knot."



    A guy walks into a fancy restaurant and the Host says "You have to wear a tie to be seated."
    The guy goes back to his car, looks around and only finds his jumper cables, which he ties 'bola style' around his neck.
    The Host looks him up & down and finally says "OK, you can come in, but don't start anything!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2009 10:05 PM GMT
    When you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2009 10:05 PM GMT
    So a horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"


    How do you confuse an archaeologist? Hand them a used tampon and ask them to tell you what period it came from.
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    Mar 10, 2009 10:16 PM GMT
    Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic?
    He sat up all night wondering if there really was a dog.


    A Pirate walked into a bar and the bartendar says "Do you know you have a roll of paper towels on your hat?"
    "Arrr, matey! There be a Bounty on me head!"


    A Pirate walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Do you know you have a steering wheel on your zipper?"
    "Arrr, matey! And it's been driving me nuts all day! "



    What's a Pirates favorite food?
    Arrrtichokes. <----LAME


    How do you confuse an engineer? Put him in a round house and tell him to pee in the corner.<---- LAME!! LOL

    icon_rolleyes.gificon_wink.gificon_lol.gificon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2009 10:41 PM GMT
    Timberoo said..."Well, it looks like you blew a seal."...
    Love it!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2009 10:50 PM GMT
    What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

    The pricks are on the outside of a porcupine.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Mar 10, 2009 10:56 PM GMT
    growingbig said, "What do you feed a gay horse? HeEey. (yeah, it's better told in person)"

    jprichva said, "A horse goes into a bar. The bartender says:
    'Hey buddy, why the long face?'"


    mickeytopogigio said, "Tori Spelling enters a bar. The bartender asks, 'Why the long face?'"

    tori_spelling_5u1SI.jpg


    That was the best trifecta ever!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2009 11:02 PM GMT
    The love story of Ralph and Edna...

    Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
    mean they don't love you with all they have.

    Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past
    the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

    He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

    Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
    pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's
    heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as
    she now considered her to be mentally stable.

    When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news
    and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were
    able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
    of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
    mindedness.

    The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
    belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

    Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
    can I go home?'

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2009 11:11 PM GMT
    Scientist have finally discovered what is in the air in SF, that is keeping the birth rate down.

    All the guys legs.
  • OptimusMatt

    Posts: 1124

    Mar 10, 2009 11:32 PM GMT
    What's brown and sticky?































    A stick. hee hee icon_biggrin.gif