DATE: Exactly what is the new definition?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 11, 2009 3:50 AM GMT
    I just went out on what I would call a " date" which apparently is some big deal these days. He actually picked up the tab...a first for me. So what is the big deal, unstated commitment, message, hidden agenda or danger in two guys meeting at a pre-determined place and a pre-determined time. What am i missing here?

    Its funny when i showed up at his place around 10 minutes late because of parking difficulties he was in the shower because he thought I had flaked. I thought we had a "date" maybe not?

    The alternative to not "dating " would be to go alone to a restaurant and stare at a wall or go to a movie and have to sit alone with those creepy people that sit alone or stay at home and talk to myself. .
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    Mar 11, 2009 4:13 AM GMT
    What matters more is... what is HIS definition of a date?

    I have never been on one myself.. so I won't respond.icon_razz.gif
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    Mar 11, 2009 4:20 AM GMT
    I'm not sure what the posting is about...is it regarding him not being at the door waiting for you? Guys are late and generally that means they aren't showing up. He moved on to apparently jerk himself off in the shower. What's the big deal? I've been blown off and disregarded many times - good for him for just moving past it. If you're late, call! If you don't call, don't expect him to be there.

    Otherwise, to answer the initial question, a date is different for each person. It's as simple as that. In my history, if you aren't on the same page, it probably wont work out the way you expect, but expectations are the problem. Once it's clear that there is a long-term goal between two people that have a spark, it's a date. If no spark or no common goal, it's just a waste of your time...achem...sorry, it's dinner with a friend! icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 11, 2009 4:23 AM GMT
    My last date was quite awhile..."date" is relative and very subjective. I think it remains the same. Who asked picks the tab, unless its mutual then it's half and half. It's like going for an interview. One can never know if it's a hit or miss pre or post dessert. Then again I'm not an expert.icon_eek.gif
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    Mar 11, 2009 4:39 AM GMT
    I was once asked out on a date to go to a comedy club. seems like a good date to me!

    so, i was to meet up with this person, who was about 23, as in, 2 years older than me, and i met him downtown (i live in suburbia), and when i met up with him, he was accompanied by 4 of his friends.... who came with us to the comedy club.

    so ... i was confused.

    and then, after, we all went to a bar, and then a club. and all the time, i was more hanging out with his friends than him. and i have to admit, at first i felt quite awkward. well... it was an awkward situation.

    when we went to the club, well... this person is a bit of a social butterfly, so he would wander around constantly, and so... i wasnt about to follow around like a lap dog, so i made new friends, and actually ended up befriending a stripper, and she and i hung out together for the rest of the night.

    needless to say... this person did not get a second "date".

    so, that is my definition of what is NOT a date. haha

    so a date: you and another person (no friends). the rest is up for interpretation on a case-by-case basis.
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    Mar 11, 2009 4:42 AM GMT
    funny pictures of cats with captions ... icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Mar 11, 2009 4:56 AM GMT
    MeOhMy saidI was once asked out on a date to go to a comedy club. seems like a good date to me!

    so, i was to meet up with this person, who was about 23, as in, 2 years older than me, and i met him downtown (i live in suburbia), and when i met up with him, he was accompanied by 4 of his friends.... who came with us to the comedy club.

    so ... i was confused.

    and then, after, we all went to a bar, and then a club. and all the time, i was more hanging out with his friends than him. and i have to admit, at first i felt quite awkward. well... it was an awkward situation.

    when we went to the club, well... this person is a bit of a social butterfly, so he would wander around constantly, and so... i wasnt about to follow around like a lap dog, so i made new friends, and actually ended up befriending a stripper, and she and i hung out together for the rest of the night.

    needless to say... this person did not get a second "date".

    so, that is my definition of what is NOT a date. haha

    so a date: you and another person (no friends). the rest is up for interpretation on a case-by-case basis.


    you are officially being asked out on date right now with me, you deserve a real date icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 11, 2009 5:05 AM GMT
    When a random stranger asks me out on a date I thinking he really wants to get to know me. Dates by default are like interviews anyway.

    In comparison to what I do with my friends like going out to dinner or to the movies, dating is a bit more personal where one gets a "feel" for the individual they are with. A connection is either formed or lost. One a first date I would genereally pay my own way unless I felt like being nice. Vice versa for the peson I'm with too. Should they want to pay for my meal I 'm not gonna stop them but I hope they don't expect anything from me other than a "Thank you."

    I hear alot of my str8 friends say they would never pay for another persons meal unless they knew they were getting some action. Is that standard now?
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    Mar 11, 2009 11:54 AM GMT
    looknrnd saidI'm not sure what the posting is about...


    Me either...but I'll add my two cents anyway.

    A "first date" doesn't really mean anything to me anymore, now that meeting and courtship seems to be done mostly digitally (i.e.- internet). If I'm getting to know someone online before actually meeting them, then I never consider the first meeting to be a "date" because there's no romantic expectation until I can attach a voice and personality to the emails, instant messages, and texts.

    However, sometimes just hanging out with someone can turn into a date in different ways. This past summer, I met a guy in my neighborhood who also liked biking, so I asked him if he wanted to go biking sometime. He said sure, but needed help fixing his bike, so I offered to help. We met up, I fixed his bike, we went biking, got to know each other, and ended up having an awesome time and spending the entire day (and night icon_wink.gif ) together (and then we continued dating for over a month before he moved away).

    Last week, I met up with a guy with the original intention of just a hook-up (hey, don't judge), but we got along so well, it turned into a date instead. We've been on a couple of dates since, and I have another one with him tonight.

    A couple of weeks ago, I met a guy at a bar and we talked all night, and seemed to really hit it off, so I gave him my number and flat out asked him on a date (specifically using the word "date" here), and he said yes. We went out to dinner one night, had a great time, kissed him good night, and went home. That was it...we haven't gone out again since, but still both had a great time.

    On the flip side of this, for Valentine's Day, I went out on a date with one of my straight best friends. We had dinner together, and went to the movies. We do this sometimes, just me and him (his fiancee is also one of my best friends). Even thought there's no sexual intentions, it still always feels like a date (he's more of a gentleman than most guys I've dated), so that's what we call it.

    So...in short, a date is whatever you make it...so don't over-think it, and have fun. ;)

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    Mar 11, 2009 1:48 PM GMT
    I think differnt people have different definitions. To someone wanting more then friendship and looking for a relationship it could mean more than to someone just wanting to meet someone casually.

    Im old fashioned. A date to me means you both decide a time and day to meet. If I ask I always go to pick the guy up. Often I bring a flower for him. We go to dinner and I pick up the tab. Perhaps drinks, or a walk after wards. It is to give em time to meet this person, talk to him and see if he is a potential partner/boyfriend/husband.

    If Im asked out I expect him to do something simular for me as I would do for him. I do jedge by what he does or doesn't door. This means opening up doors etc...

    If this is the first date, the most he gets is a kiss.
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    Mar 11, 2009 3:53 PM GMT
    I'm not exactly sure what the question is - but it is a bit odd to me (but not bad, necessarily) when a guy grabs the check on a first date. Seems to me on a first date, the check should be split......what do others think?

    Someone above mentioned that a first date is like an interview. True. First dates determine whether there will be any future dates. I like to take the pressure off of first dates - and instead of just sitting there in a stuffy or crowded restaurant (interview style) I like to actually go out and *do* something with the guy. The weather here in AZ is so good, that you can meet up for a hike, run, cycling, tennis, golf, swimming laps - or even a Sedona run in a convertible - guys always like those kinds of dates. Then - if everything is going well - you guys can shower - get changed - and go for dinner.......and you'll be laughing and talking about what you did earlier (the hike, etc.) You'll see a spark in his eye after doing something fun with him that you can kick back and talk about.
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    Mar 11, 2009 5:26 PM GMT
    Jockbod48 saidI'm not exactly sure what the question is - but it is a bit odd to me (but not bad, necessarily) when a guy grabs the check on a first date. Seems to me on a first date, the check should be split......what do others think?


    Agreed.

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    Mar 11, 2009 5:41 PM GMT
    I'm a romantic...and dates are one of my great joys in life. I love going to dinner and walking out on the beach at night...the whole cheesy deal. I am often asked out and I expect the guy to pay. Just as often, I ask a guy out and I insist on paying. That's the unwritten rule, IMO. If there aren't any sparks, no sweat. At least I got to go out on a date and meet someone new. I think it gives you and the guy a chance to show each other how you operate in life.

    Dating is not dead!
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    Mar 11, 2009 6:04 PM GMT
    Dating today is confusing, especially if there is a significant age difference. I thought I was dating this guy(17 years difference), who spent all or most of his free time with me for about 2 1/2 months. Throughout, I had doubts and even asked what our status was. He said he hadn't really thought about it. I thought we were definitely "dating" when he wanted to spend NY Eve with me. I was excited. I liked this guy and was falling for him. Doubts persisted (damn I should have listened to that little voice!). New Years Eve was probably the worst I ever had. He basically ignored me in my own home. Yet, I persisted. I was going a bit crazy and admit I was getting weird. I didn't know where I stood and was getting mixed signals. In the end, we weren't dating. Just hanging out. I was very hurt and was given and took the blame for my assumption of dating him.

    What's a date? It is a day on a calendar. If you happen to be with a person you enjoy and they enjoy you...it's hanging out on that day. I'm not sure there is dating in the old sense of the word. Maybe I just haven't done it in so long that it is foreign to me. I've decided that if I want a date, I'll take my dog out for a nature hike, brush him when we get back home, feed him and then hang out and listen to music or watch a movie. Now that's a date!
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    Mar 11, 2009 6:29 PM GMT
    I tend to agree with both cowboiway and Jockbod48.

    From an observational standpoint, who picks up, or divides the tab is based on a few things. If one of you determines the location of the date and its a little more than just casual, he should probably pick up the tab. Otherwise, split it.

    If someone picks up the tab on a first date with me, it has never failed to also be the last date. "Check Please!" becomes a true double entendre. Oddly, when I pick up the tab, I mean the opposite.

    Ideally it should be a friendly interview, exchange of likes and dislikes, mutual 'reading between the lines', and determination of those subtle red flag moments and some not so subtle. There's a BIG difference between "I like to try new things." and "I always try new things."

    Anyone who's too strict about a set of rules for dating though is casting a very short line. I wouldn't be expecting someone to like everything I like, do everything the way I do, etc. Sure, they'd be easy to get along with, but boring as a date.

    It needs to be about interacting. You can't learn anything about someone in a movie theatre (well, not there are somethings, but then that may be a hookup and not a date.)
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    Mar 11, 2009 6:37 PM GMT
    There is something very romantic and caring about a guy who picks up the check...(assuming he is not a controlling idiot).....even if its a first meeting.

    Put your money where your mouth is ( or is going to be).

    On the other hand, a first date can turn out to not be what you expected, and there is no possibility of a second. In that case, I wouldn't pick up the check, nor would I accept the other guy doing it.

    And what about a guy that you date every once and a while..even have sex with? Should you consider these dates and subsequent ones as evidence of a deepening "love" or comittment? Or just a happy way to spend a friday or saturday night? What if one guy wants more of a committment, and the other doesn't? ( in that case, is the relationship over?).

    And oddly, how do you prevent yourself from falling in love if you like the guy, see/sleep with him often, but don't want and exclusive thing with him (for whatever reason)

    The ground keeps on shifting for me............
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    Mar 11, 2009 6:39 PM GMT


    It needs to be about interacting. You can't learn anything about someone in a movie theatre (well, not there are somethings, but then that may be a hookup and not a date.)[/quote]

    Your smart.
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    Mar 11, 2009 6:40 PM GMT
    It's only a date if you have sex before dinner. icon_biggrin.gif
  • HndsmKansan

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    Mar 11, 2009 6:43 PM GMT
    I think first dates are for getting acquainted. Whether it be romantic dates or just lunch/ friendship things. I would have expected to pay my own way the first time.

    One party paying for meals or activities should come with repetition and an understanding between the individuals.
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    Mar 11, 2009 7:04 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidI think first dates are for getting acquainted. Whether it be romantic dates or just lunch/ friendship things. I would have expected to pay my own way the first time.


    Agreed. A first date is basically information-gathering, with no commitment and minimal expectations. At this stage no one should feel obliged to do anything, but if one guy pays it may seem like an attempt to put the other under a sense of obligation. A second date shows there is some serious interest and at that point it's appropriate for the one who did the arranging to play host.
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    Mar 11, 2009 7:05 PM GMT
    You were late and he was just then takin a shower?


    A date should be one or the other picks him up, or agree to meet up - he who asked pick-ups the tab, and if the sparks are there a kiss goodnight and second date (and sure sure, if there a big sparks a roll in the hay is likely)
    .
    But it seems most men think a date is: "Hi... hmmm, icon_neutral.gif ok let's fuck!" icon_biggrin.gif

    ...and then


    ...next!!!! icon_confused.gif