Dammit...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2009 8:12 AM GMT
    I'm becoming less and less sexually attracted to my boyfriend because he is somewhat out of shape. At first I thought I could make it work cause I still find him good-looking but now the sex is really getting bad. Not sure what to do. Anyone else been in this situation? A physical relationship is very important to me but I have a strong connection to this guy. Don't want to lose him.
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    Mar 12, 2009 9:17 AM GMT
    Pedrosxxx saidI'm becoming less and less sexually attracted to my boyfriend because he is somewhat out of shape. At first I thought I could make it work cause I still find him good-looking but now the sex is really getting bad. Not sure what to do. Anyone else been in this situation? A physical relationship is very important to me but I have a strong connection to this guy. Don't want to lose him.


    Common sense 101:
    Change the things you can.
    Put up with the things you can't.
    If it's to much, get out and move on.
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    Mar 12, 2009 3:01 PM GMT
    You obviously don't love this guy if you are concerned about a some weight gain or bad sex. Do this dude a favor- let him go so he can find someone who truly loves him for who he is both inside and out.
  • Latenight30

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    Mar 12, 2009 3:23 PM GMT
    If he matters to you both of you make an effort to go to the gym and get inshape. It will one give you something to do together and be benificial.
    Many times people get complacent in relationships. And I think everyone here will tell you when you feel good about yourself, sex with anyone is better.
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    Mar 12, 2009 3:56 PM GMT
    If you are in LOVE with this person, you accept them for who they are. tehy may gain a few pounds but it should not stop you form loving him or having great sex.

    Sounds like ot me you were in love with his looks, body and or other material items. Sounds very shallow of you.

    If this si such a problem talk to him about it. Maybe he will get into shape again and you can have sex again. If I were him I would probably dump your shallow ass. Then get into even better shape and teach you a lesson.
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    Mar 12, 2009 4:29 PM GMT
    Great answer Cowboy.

    Clearly you don't have that strong of a connection if physical appearances is the main root to your relationship. it's a nice perk but people do age and some not for the better. If you love him then talk to him and work with him. being in a relationship means being able to accept the good with the bad.

    Seems you only want the good int he relationship.
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    Mar 12, 2009 4:35 PM GMT
    Cowboiway saidIf you are in LOVE with this person, you accept them for who they are. tehy may gain a few pounds but it should not stop you form loving him or having great sex.

    Sounds like ot me you were in love with his looks, body and or other material items. Sounds very shallow of you.

    If this si such a problem talk to him about it. Maybe he will get into shape again and you can have sex again. If I were him I would probably dump your shallow ass. Then get into even better shape and teach you a lesson.


    It's posts like these that don't help the matter at hand.

    1) Apparently the extra poundage is stopping them from having great sex... hence his post about "the sex is really getting bad."

    2) Physical attraction is very key to a relationship. AGAIN as Pedro said, "I have a strong connection to this guy," so obviously he loves the guy for a lot more than his looks, but even I have to agree that I can't have a relationship with an out of shape ugly person, that's not what I'm attracted to. If the guy I love suddenly got way out of shape, sex would hit the shitter cause I'm not attracted to that... Theres a unique balence of physicality and personality.

    3) Assuming a guy is shallow when you don't even know them is stupid. I think you're a prick for writing the response you did... Now maybe I'm right, or maybe you're just a little bit of an asshole... you tell me.
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    Mar 12, 2009 4:40 PM GMT
    I think you're young and haven't lived yet and have probably never been in love.
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    Mar 12, 2009 5:09 PM GMT
    Really guys? Any excuse to have a forum fight I guess lol. Thanks for defending me yngstud4mscl and for actually reading me post. I said that I have a strong connection to him meaning an emotional connection. I'm not being shallow because it's the non-physical stuff that's keeping me in the relationship. With that said, Guy101 does have a point (despite agreeing with Cowboi). I need to work at this relationship for it to work, but it's not easy to tell someone you're not attracted to them anymore. How do you say that?

    If I were him I would probably dump your shallow ass. Then get into even better shape and teach you a lesson.


    Cowboi, I don't know you, but you sound like a pretentious asshole. Why did you have to turn this thread into an ignorant assault on me? Good thing I don't value your opinion. I was just asking an honest question about what to do in this situation and you had to bring your own insecurities into it. Grow up!
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 12, 2009 5:11 PM GMT
    I'd have to say your connection isn't very strong if your attraction is dying because he is becoming 'somewhat out of shape".
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    Mar 12, 2009 5:14 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidI'd have to say your connection isn't very strong if your attraction is dying because he is becoming 'somewhat out of shape".


    Yeah but try to take really good care of my body. Is it so bad to be attracted to the same only.
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    Mar 12, 2009 5:18 PM GMT
    Pedrosxxx said
    Timberoo saidI'd have to say your connection isn't very strong if your attraction is dying because he is becoming 'somewhat out of shape".


    Yeah but try to take really good care of my body. Is it so bad to be attracted to the same only.



    No one person turned this into an assult on you, but you. This last statement shows just hwo shallow you are.

    The sex isn't bad, you just want to have sex with some muscle guy, and your lover doesn't fit your image.

    I suggest posting a torso shot of your lover and show us just how bad he has gotten. Probably still cute and probably still a catch
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    Mar 12, 2009 5:31 PM GMT
    A waning of sex is natural in ANY long term relationship, don't slam on the panic button. ****There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling****
    Too often in our relationships we are conditioned that is going to be easy or that being "best friends" is enough.
    Sex is what separates friends from lovers, if I didn't need sex I would still live with my parents and have all the perks (and then some) of lifestyle and unconditional love that any boyfriend has ever given me.
    You do need to mention your apprehension to your boyfriend and either find a *new* appreciation for who he is and how he looks or decide how you will overcome this *together*, you can't unilaterally decide the course of your relationship alone and he has the right to know.
    It's possible that he has found such comfort in your relationship that he has let himself go which is normal for a lot of relationships, chances are if he was more fit when you first met, you aren't telling him something he doesn't know and your nudge might be what he needs to feel more secure in your relationship and in his own skin.
    You must talk to him about it, good luck.
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    Mar 12, 2009 5:34 PM GMT
    He's young guys... we all have felt this at some point and time.
    Shame teaches nothing.


    ...besides, I don't see any of you guys on ILoveMyFatBoyfriend.com
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    Mar 12, 2009 5:44 PM GMT
    If you truly love him you would let the sex be awful forever and ever... What a bunch of bullshit. As if you guys have never had problems in your relationship. In fantasy relationships love will solve all problems and make all things right. In a real relationship the only thing that does that is hard work. If you love the guy, that doesn't mean you love him so much you will ignore your own feelings and needs. That's not a relationship, that's being a servant.

    You need to tell him there is a problem, explain the problem, and you both come up with a mutually agreeable solution to the problem. He gives a little, you give a little. Make a commitment to go jogging together. Make healthy meals with him. Go shopping for nutritious foods together. This isn't his problem. This isn't your problem. This is a problem you both share and working it out together is key to making the relationship work.
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    Mar 12, 2009 5:59 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie, quite well said.

    We get into relationships based on a lot of things, but one of the expectations is--or should be--that what attracted us in the first place should continue to attract us in the future. That's not solely a physical determination, but can--and should be--based on attraction to personality, intelligence, whatever. If people in a relationship stop taking care of the things that attract each other, then why should they stay in it?

    Pedro, if you can't get your man to start taking care of himself again, you have every right to dump his ass. It's affecting your sex life, and it's just going to get worse if you let it. It's not shallow to break things off with someone when they stop caring about things that make a relationship work.
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    Mar 12, 2009 6:02 PM GMT
    Pedrosxxx saidI'm becoming less and less sexually attracted to my boyfriend because he is somewhat out of shape. At first I thought I could make it work cause I still find him good-looking but now the sex is really getting bad. Not sure what to do. Anyone else been in this situation? A physical relationship is very important to me but I have a strong connection to this guy. Don't want to lose him.


    You can still love a guy but no longer want to have sex with him. I would think that deep down he realizes that. Love is an emotion, but let's face it most guys react to the visual. If the boyfriend goes from being fit to out of shape then why would he expect you to want to have sex?

    I would talk to him and explain how you are feeling. It could be an opportuntiy to develop some fun activities together such as playing on a gay team or playing tennis together.
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    Mar 12, 2009 6:06 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidIf you truly love him you would let the sex be awful forever and ever... What a bunch of bullshit. As if you guys have never had problems in your relationship. In fantasy relationships love will solve all problems and make all things right. In a real relationship the only thing that does that is hard work. If you love the guy, that doesn't mean you love him so much you will ignore your own feelings and needs. That's not a relationship, that's being a servant.

    You need to tell him there is a problem, explain the problem, and you both come up with a mutually agreeable solution to the problem. He gives a little, you give a little. Make a commitment to go jogging together. Make healthy meals with him. Go shopping for nutritious foods together. This isn't his problem. This isn't your problem. This is a problem you both share and working it out together is key to making the relationship work.


    Munching brings the voice of reason.

    Be prepared to move on, however, because, more often that not, folks will not make an effort to change. That's why we have 8 million folks dieing needlessly from the obesity pandemic every year. Folks are lazy, and self-centered. If you set a standard for yourself, and want to apply the same standard to the person you're involved with, that's o.k. It doesn't make you shallow, or less of a person in any way. It just means you know what you want and the concessions you're willing to make. It's completely wrong to be all accepting of bad behavior (like being fat) from others, and it's completely normal to have certain sexual attractions, as well as moving to a different viewpoint (particularly if you are less than 30 and your brain is still developing).

    It gets back to knowing what you can change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Some folks don't and won't change, and setting a standard doesn't make you the lesser person. It just shows that you have an expectation. E.g., my parents would never had allowed me to get fat. It simply was not acceptable in our family to engage in that bad behavior. It's perfectly right and proper to set expectations in a relationship, but, understand, you can't have it all ways. The person you are involved with may not want to change / accommodate you and at that point you decide whether to move on, or just put up with it. Often, folks won't change, just to be obstinate, even if they know the change would be in their best interest.

    Don't let some resentful drama queens quilt you into not being honest about what your expectations are. It's extremely prudent to be honest, judgmental, and to know what you want. Be prepared, as I've said, though, for the down side of having expectations. The relationship could end. That's all for you to decide.

    In a world of 7 BILLION folks, there's absolutely no reason to deal with the riff raff, but, as I said, if you set your expectation to high you could end up lonely for it. Folks are lazy, and creatures of habit, and often don't do the right thing.

    You are attracted to what you're attracted to. That's pretty much it, and, if there's no getting around it, there's no getting around it. I find some folks repulsive and others not. That's just our brains and how they work. That's about as normal as normal gets.

    Additionally, ponder the following: anything worth doing should be worth doing well. Have you done that in your relationship? You didn't do it here, in your profile, pictures, etc. You did the bare minimum possible. Could it be that you're also very lazy in your relationship, too?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 12, 2009 6:11 PM GMT
    Pedrosxxx said
    Timberoo saidI'd have to say your connection isn't very strong if your attraction is dying because he is becoming 'somewhat out of shape".


    Yeah but try to take really good care of my body. Is it so bad to be attracted to the same only.


    You're attracted to what you are attracted to, it's neither right nor wrong. If the physical is the most important part of your sexual attraction that the emotional, than that's just what it is.
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    Mar 12, 2009 6:26 PM GMT
    I see a lot of gay men stuck in a fantasy about what their lovers should look like. Many want the buff, muscle stud (like in the pron they watch). The OP here cleary wants this.

    We the readers here have to decide what "somewhat out of shape" means.

    The OP does not state he is obese, he even state he is still attractive. Chances are he is an attractive average guy.

    The problem clear here is the OP expect his lover to be some buff gym bunny like himself, instead of the nice average guy that he is. The reader clearly has changed his desires from what he originally wanted to wanting the the buffy guys in his fantasy.

    It's not wrong for him to desire this. However he did make a commitment to his lover. Or at least I hope he did to stand by him for the long term. This means acceptance of flaws. Clearly he doesn't accept his lovers flaw.

    He does not state anywhere if he has discussed this problem with his lover. Instead he has decided to let it harm their love life and sex life to the point he wants to leave him.

    The OP needs to be upfront with his lover. I feel sorry for his lover. Because how do you accept the fact the man you love, does not love you because you are average, and not a buff guy.

    His lover is going to feel rejected because of his physical appearance. This is how so many become jaded. Because of lovers who are not honest. Become shallow about each others appearances.

    When the OP grows older and his looks fade, and the muscles sag. Where will he be? I think he should look at it from his lovers point of view. How would he feel.

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    Mar 12, 2009 7:16 PM GMT
    Cowboiway saidI see a lot of gay men stuck in a fantasy about what their lovers should look like. Many want the buff, muscle stud (like in the pron they watch). The OP here cleary wants this.


    Wow. Wanting his boyfriend to be in shape, to you, means he wants his boyfriend to be a buff muscle stud? You are aware that there is a range of fitness levels, correct? Wanting someone to be fit does not mean you want a muscle stud -- it means you want someone not fat. Seems to me you're bringing a lot of personal resentments to this. Stop. This isn't about you.

    We the readers here have to decide what "somewhat out of shape" means.


    No we don't. The OP has to decide what "somewhat out of shape" means. Not us.

    The OP does not state he is obese, he even state he is still attractive. Chances are he is an attractive average guy.


    No, he says he's gained weight and gotten out of shape. You've decided that it's not a problem without seeing the boyfriend and without attempting to understand the situation from another's perspective. Way to go!

    The problem clear here is the OP expect his lover to be some buff gym bunny like himself, instead of the nice average guy that he is. The reader clearly has changed his desires from what he originally wanted to wanting the the buffy guys in his fantasy.


    Again, this is all you. Expressing your own resentment. You are adding nothing to this discussion.

    It's not wrong for him to desire this. However he did make a commitment to his lover. Or at least I hope he did to stand by him for the long term. This means acceptance of flaws. Clearly he doesn't accept his lovers flaw.


    He said boyfriend. Not husband. Again, you're making unfounded assumptions. Stop now. Just stop.


    To the OP: I agree with the consensus. Talk to him about it. Make compromises. If he refuses, he's not worth it.
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    Mar 12, 2009 7:34 PM GMT
    Guy101 saidGreat answer Cowboy.

    Clearly you don't have that strong of a connection if physical appearances is the main root to your relationship. it's a nice perk but people do age and some not for the better. If you love him then talk to him and work with him. being in a relationship means being able to accept the good with the bad.

    Seems you only want the good int he relationship.


    Clearly I am not only one with the same opinion

    As stated by the op
    OP I'm becoming less and less sexually attracted to my boyfriend because he is somewhat out of shape


    Showing that his boyfriend has not changed, but the OP and his views of what he wants has. He does not say he is fat or obese. It clearly shows he has changed what he find physically attractive.

    OPAt first I thought I could make it work cause I still find him good-looking but now the sex is really getting bad.
    Here he states he thought he could make it work, showing he has changed not his bf.

    No where in this does it state that his boyfriend gained wieght or changed since he meet him. The olny thing that has changed is the OP views on what he finds physically attractive. Concentrating on the physical rather than the emotional bond he has with him. If he had an emotional bond with him he would have long since discussed this with him, not us.
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    Mar 12, 2009 8:03 PM GMT
    Hypothetically, if your boyfriend were in a horrific car accident and lost a leg or was paralyzed from the neck down and couldn't have sex- would you dump him? Obviously, the answer is yes. You need to find someone who is just as shallow as yourself.
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    Mar 12, 2009 8:18 PM GMT
    catfish5 saidHypothetically, if your boyfriend were in a horrific car accident and lost a leg or was paralyzed from the neck down and couldn't have sex- would you dump him? Obviously, the answer is yes. You need to find someone who is just as shallow as yourself.


    Well said....it's clear teh OP changed here, not his boyfriend. I feel for his boyfriend. Poor guys going to get dumped because he's not a greek god
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    Mar 12, 2009 11:01 PM GMT
    catfish5 saidYou obviously don't love this guy if you are concerned about a some weight gain or bad sex. Do this dude a favor- let him go so he can find someone who truly loves him for who he is both inside and out.


    You can love some one and not be physically attracted to them. You could share common interest finish each others sentences and really resonates with each other, but if it just doesn’t click sexually then you are better off as friends.

    If the physical didn’t matter then every one would be bi, and no one would care if you were buff or flabby.

    Pedros: The only advice I can think to give you is talk to him, tell him you don’t want him out of your life but the physical aspect of the relationship is getting less and less appealing. The two of you can either work on it, separate and try to remain friends, or stay together and have unsatisfactory (and possibly infrequent) sex.