Getting involved with a first timer?

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    Mar 12, 2009 4:05 PM GMT
    Would you ever get into a relationship with someone who has not been in one? If the chemistry and passion is intense, beyond anything else you've ever found in another, you share common interests, common goals, and the intense feelings are mutual would you let the fact that they haven't been in a relationship before stop you from proceeding? Any ideas for navigating this successfully?
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    Mar 12, 2009 4:15 PM GMT
    Absolutely!

    Everybody "started" at the first "time" (and grew from it) and certainly those with "experience" haven't necessarily mastered anything. Otherwise they would still be in their first relationship. And unless this person is 13-17 one would assume they have had some "level" of relationship... Having said that there is no reason to assume this could be lesser (or greater) an experience or have a success rate higher or lower than dating a person thats been around the block - plus if they had, do they know why those relationships failed and did they learn from them?

    So short of this being "a guy that is not certain of his wants" ( meaning - if moving away from hetero to homo) then that might be cause for trepidation but outside of that why would this be any different than any other beginning of a relationship?

    How you should navigate, be upfront, honest and deal with issues directly... As hopefully you would in any relationship old or new.



    ...and good luck
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    Mar 12, 2009 4:17 PM GMT
    Yes if the feelings were there on both sides. Just because a person has never been in a relationship does not mean it cannot work. I certainly would rather been in a relationship with someone who is a "vrigin" in this area then a guy who has been in half a dozen in two years.
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    Mar 12, 2009 4:19 PM GMT
    planecrazy saidYes if the feelings were there on both sides. Just because a person has never been in a relationship does not mean it cannot work. I certainly would rather been in a relationship with someone who is a "vrigin" in this area then a guy who has been in half a dozen in two years.



    thanks for the "Cliff Notes" version... Apparently I'm not suffering from A-D-D today icon_wink.gif
    LOL
    ...short, sweet and to the point - nicely put
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    Mar 12, 2009 4:50 PM GMT
    Sure. Why not. I've never been in a relationship and I would hope that something like wouldn't prevent me from being able to be in one with someone who has.

    It's called chemistry and if it's there then sparks will fly.icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 12, 2009 4:55 PM GMT
    I dont see the problem, if you like each other then just let yourselves like each other to plenitude. First timers are usually sweeter than those with experience.
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    Mar 12, 2009 4:57 PM GMT
    We are certainly less bitter and jaded then those who have already run the gauntlet. LOL.
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    Mar 12, 2009 4:57 PM GMT
    Thank you for the reassurances that I am making the right call.
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    Mar 12, 2009 5:16 PM GMT
    I wouldn't, I'm very leary of getting involved with guys who don't have good relationships with their ex'es. Can't have ex's without having been in a relationship.
    How he treats them is a big indicator of how he would treat me if we were to break up, which statistically is more likely to happen than not.

    I was in a six year relationship and my ex is my best friend. I don't mind explaining it to others, but it can be a concept that's incredibly hard for someone who hasn't been in a relationship to understand. For some, even if they have been in one it's challenging.

    This doesn't mean it can't work though, I'm just expressing my preference.

    I find certain considerations, insights and behaviors very charming and refreshing when exhibited by guys who have successfully navigated all the aspects of a healthy relationship... even the end.

    I appreciate a guy who has been around the block and is all the wiser (not jaded) for it.
    "Bring it!"
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    Mar 12, 2009 5:22 PM GMT
    If it's there go for it. Just think you get a hold og him before he gets the scars left fomr others. Before he gets bit or jaded.
  • Tritimium

    Posts: 261

    Mar 12, 2009 5:33 PM GMT
    I've never had a relationship, because I only came out to myself in recent months. Before that, sure I had crushes, but no relationships, male or female. Nil. I didn't understand my feelings, so suppressed them.

    Now, however, I'm open to the idea of a relationship, and would hope that if there was chemistry and ideally other compatibilities, then a guy would let me into his life, even though I'm more virgin than the best olive oil. icon_biggrin.gif Never even kissed a guy. When I do, I'll mean it. I also like the idea of 'saving' myself for that person - and I have a great deal of patience.

    So, YnghungSFSD - perhaps the guy has been saving himself for Mr Right, which sounds as though it might be you! Just be extra-sensitive and extra-forgiving with him.
  • Tiller66

    Posts: 380

    Mar 12, 2009 5:48 PM GMT
    Well I've only been in one ltr I have had other sirious relationships but only one that lasted 6 yrs. Luckily enough we are still best friends and talk to each other alot.And it really depends on how old they are with respect to the ability to have good realtionships.My ltr did'nt happen until I was 28 and I'm glad becuase of the fact that I watched others in their relationships and it let me decide what I would like in mine.I will say thatI have run into the fear that I would'nt stay with them becuase I was a newbie which I'm not saying that it may not be a valid consern.Just be careful and don't try to make the coiuce from them espiecaly if they are younger then you.Just give him a chance he might surprise you.Good Luck
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    Mar 12, 2009 5:51 PM GMT
    I have been in relationships with several first timers. It's all good but you should keep in mind that a lot of first timers don't work out. I'm saying you should have realistic expectations and be ready to let a first timer go if he feels like wandering which is many times the case - they simply have no reference to know if you are what they want or a relationship is what they want.

    The 3 first timers I dated never panned out, but I loved them never the less and would still be friendly with them. At least one of them is dead though.
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    Mar 12, 2009 6:18 PM GMT
    BodyWork4 saidSo short of this being "a guy that is not certain of his wants" ( meaning - if moving away from hetero to homo) then that might be cause for trepidation but outside of that why would this be any different than any other beginning of a relationship?
    So perhaps I'm missing exactly what you're saying here...but I'll throw in my 2 cents in defense of all those "were once married" guys out there. Moving from hetero to homo isn't necessarily a reason to run. In fact, in my experience, I'm finding it's the opposite. As long as the person is out and on their own (not referring to those still in a relationship with a woman) they may be an outstanding choice for a relationship. I wouldn't advise any guy to jump from the fire into the frying pan but given time, not a bad thing. You'll find they generally have a LOT more well rounded experience in making a good relationship than gays I think (IMHO). Many gays tend to be very narcissistic and I think there's much less of that from a guy who's been in a hetero relationship. I've been told I need to experience being gay and relationship before being serious...yeah, 22 yrs is not considered a LTR in the gay world I guess. I think a big part of the more well rounded attitude of formerly married guys within the relationship has to do with having had children, where the options of just being selfish can't happen. So I'm not sure BodyWork was totally discounting formerly married guys but thought I'd throw in another aspect.
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    Mar 12, 2009 6:28 PM GMT
    i'd say go for it, being young myself i have been scar "ed" over and over i almost gave up completely, till i met the right guy now that is. all i'm saying is the ones that have been through a lot of relationships, sometimes tend to be really picky and negative, whereas ones who haven't, are positive and if theres feelings lots o lots of positivity and love lots o loveicon_razz.gif
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    Mar 12, 2009 6:28 PM GMT
    Tritimium said
    So, YnghungSFSD - perhaps the guy has been saving himself for Mr Right, which sounds as though it might be you! Just be extra-sensitive and extra-forgiving with him.


    Thank you for that advice. You are very, very right, I need to be extra-sensitive, extra-forgiving, and very patient with all of this being new to him and somewhat scary. Thanks again...that's a very useful point that I will be sure to follow.

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    Mar 12, 2009 7:05 PM GMT
    Wow... I thought this thread was gonna be a brutal ego crusher for me. Everyone is so nice icon_smile.gif

    <--- Never been in a relationship & a virgin!icon_eek.gif
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    Mar 12, 2009 7:15 PM GMT
    Never been in a relationship with a guy or girl either. However, I have had lots of sex. I suppose I need to go to the "Am I a Ho" thread! LMAO
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    Mar 12, 2009 7:15 PM GMT
    OMG...cjcScuba me too. I'm so glad I now know somebody in my shoes icon_lol.gif
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    Mar 12, 2009 7:22 PM GMT
    YngHungSFSD said

    Thank you for that advice. You are very, very right, I need to be extra-sensitive, extra-forgiving, and very patient with all of this being new to him and somewhat scary. Thanks again...that's a very useful point that I will be sure to follow.


    My first 'real' LTR was with someone even less experienced than I was. (In fact, I was his first experience with a guy.) There were definitely some stresses and strains, but it was definitely worth it, and was a good three years, with memories that will last both our lifetimes. We're still good friends.

    So...go for it! (And good luck!)
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    Mar 12, 2009 7:31 PM GMT
    I think some of the other posters are correct that you need to be extra patient with this guy. Go into this with the best of intentions, but keep in mind that your responsibility for his development in a relationship stops where your emotional well being begins.
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    Mar 12, 2009 7:44 PM GMT
    depends on why... if he´s able to have good relationships with friends and family and there are comprehensible reasons why there have been no relationships then no problem.

    if he´s unable to even manage friendships that last for more than a few years then.... watch it icon_rolleyes.gif

    Enjoy icon_biggrin.gif
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    Mar 12, 2009 9:16 PM GMT
    GuerrillaSodomite said I think some of the other posters are correct that you need to be extra patient with this guy. Go into this with the best of intentions, but keep in mind that your responsibility for his development in a relationship stops where your emotional well being begins.


    This
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    Mar 12, 2009 9:21 PM GMT
    Sure, already have, just make sure they've fucked around a bit. That bitterness towards sleeping around makes for a better glue than just commonalities and affection for one another alone, in my opinion/experiece. The good thing about them is that you can teach them some more of the joys and benefits of monogamy, that way that don't just become a detriment to themselves those they date/fuck/meet/influence.
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    Mar 12, 2009 9:32 PM GMT
    Thanks again guys, a lot of great comments on here that I will definitely keep in mind.