Coming out Retroactively.

  • Aquanerd

    Posts: 845

    Mar 13, 2009 3:08 PM GMT
    I am wonder how many guys here that are over 35 are reconnecting through "Facebook;" and at he the same time "coming out" to with friends and acquaintances from our youth?

    First let me apologies to the youngsters for all the old farts that have taken over your site. Also, can we agree that Facebook is in fact Cybercrack?

    One amazing observation. I have had zero negative reaction from anyone. I realize that some people may edit which or their friends see my wall, but I do the same thing. Mom just doesn't need to know what some of my friends look like in thongs.icon_eek.gif

    Everyone that I've reconnected with have reacted no differently than they did before. In fact, do to maturity over the years, some are a hell of a lot nicer than they were in high school.

    As we interact, as I join there "causes" they are joining mine. And it's not just the liberal friends. In point of fact, I get more support from my Christian Conservative Friends on my "gay" causes, that my "gay" friends support my conservative causes. At least a dozen "Conservative Christians" have signed up for the AIDS Walk since I joined.
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    Mar 13, 2009 9:50 PM GMT
    I came out at my last job then when I made supervisor and changed shifts people started indirectly asking me about it. I figured once was enough. It appeared they had a script they went by. It had to read:

    Go into the office alone and ask growingbig these questions in order. They have to be in order no matter what!

    1. Are you married?

    2. Do you have a girlfriend?

    3. Do you have any kids?

    After my reply of 'no' to all of them a couple of them would say. "Why not?"

    I felt like saying none of your business but found that saying "You can't keep a good man down" tends to keep the mood light hearted enough and they leave me alone.

    I might have come out again but with the animosity I had been getting I just didn't want to deal with it.
  • Aquanerd

    Posts: 845

    Mar 13, 2009 9:56 PM GMT
    Growingbig, you have a pretty intimidating "stare down," Not sure idea want to have any animosity with you.
  • MattyC0709

    Posts: 1199

    Mar 13, 2009 10:48 PM GMT
    I'm kinda doing the same thing through hi5... I've set my "Looking to:" as "Date Men". Only two friends have asked me about it so far and they're cool with it. But I wish the process would hurry up... dammit not many people look at my profile. icon_sad.gif
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    Mar 13, 2009 11:03 PM GMT
    I was best man at his wedding about 20 years ago and I hadn't seen my friend, Dave, in about 15 years. I got his invite to Facebook and saw that he'd gathered just about everybody with whom I'd ever been close and even more with whom I was well acquainted and friendly. Mostly people from college. My best friend, with whom I'd had an ugly fallout after she'd married someone I didn't approve of at the time (stupid me, as if I had anything to do with it anyway), and I have gotten together a bunch of times in the last 8 weeks, since we've all sort of hooked up again. Though most of them are straight, I discovered others who were gay and closeted then, and rediscovered some gay people I'd know about then as well. It's no surprise that they're all pretty political people, many in politics.

    I've had no negative reactions, in fact, no reactions at all from anyone newly discovering I'm gay. It's a non issue, except that they bring up things like same sex marriage and other gay issues. I guess they think I should be more political. When I first signed up to Facebook, I put, as my status "Steve is threatening traditional marriage.". I got a few "huh? oh, oh, you're gay. Ahhh, that makes sense."

    Facebook is an interesting phenomenon. It's not like the same thing wasn't being done on Myspace or myriad other websites, but Facebook must have that something, oh, je ne sais quoi.
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    Mar 14, 2009 12:35 AM GMT
    I disagree - Facebook's on the way out. Why? It's starting to lose the zeitgeist, and the format's essentially competitive.

    'Oh my God, look what XXXX hasn't achieved with her life.'

    or

    'I've been out on the town with hot mates. Get those pics up and make my ex-boyfriend jealous!'

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    Mar 14, 2009 2:22 PM GMT
    Aquanerd saidI am wonder how many guys here that are over 35 are reconnecting through "Facebook;" and at he the same time "coming out" to with friends and acquaintances from our youth?

    Here's a 1-part answer to a 2-part question, since I don't use Facebook, but perhaps applicable to other online social nets. Yes, I have retroactively come out to old friends through locating them online. And so far everyone has said they always knew or strongly suspected, going back to college, and all have congratulated me.

    Now whether Facebook is also the best format for making this revelation known to old friends, as the OP implies, is debatable. I prefer 1/1 contact, and all of them being my age, I think they prefer it that way, too. Online to find them, a phone call or as a second choice an email to tell them.
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    Mar 14, 2009 2:44 PM GMT
    Like McGay, it's been a nonissue for me (having old friends find out I'm gay). And I've found out about a few more gays from my business fraternity.
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    Mar 14, 2009 2:50 PM GMT
    Red_Vespa said
    Now whether Facebook is also the best format for making this revelation known to old friends, as the OP implies, is debatable. I prefer 1/1 contact, and all of them being my age, I think they prefer it that way, too. Online to find them, a phone call or as a second choice an email to tell them.


    I accept that another age group might feel differently, but in this case I don't see why telling them by phone would matter much. It's not like you're breaking up with them, and it's not as if being gay is a big deal. If it's someone you've been out of touch with so long you that you've only made contact online, it's not a situation where your being gay is something they'd have to "deal" with even if it was a problem for them.

    And if it is, maybe it's better that they DO hear it online where they have time to craft their response to something closer to the way it should be, rather than betray their own issues in a way they would hopefully regret later.
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    Mar 14, 2009 3:04 PM GMT
    McGay said
    Facebook is an interesting phenomenon. It's not like the same thing wasn't being done on Myspace or myriad other websites, but Facebook must have that something, oh, je ne sais quoi.


    You could put all your real info on Myspace, like name, schools, work, but Facebook insists on real info, no anonymity. Then it suggests people you might know based on those connections and makes seaching by them easier, so the whole reconnect with old friends thing is much easier and encouraged.

    Being free, it must be killing all the reunion websites that make you pay to contact people.
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    Mar 14, 2009 3:29 PM GMT
    Lysander said
    Red_Vespa said
    ...I prefer 1/1 contact, and all of [my old friends] being my age, I think they prefer it that way, too. Online to find them, a phone call or as a second choice an email to tell them.


    I accept that another age group might feel differently, but in this case I don't see why telling them by phone would matter much...

    And if it is, maybe it's better that they DO hear it online where they have time to craft their response to something closer to the way it should be, rather than betray their own issues in a way they would hopefully regret later.

    Good points. Online might be easier for all concerned in some respects, but the counter to that, for my generation, is what many of us perceive as being impersonal & cold by doing certain things online versus the phone. It's partly why many of us still send real Christmas cards by snail mail to our close friends, rather than an emailed holiday greeting.

    And so I agree with you completely: another age group might feel differently. That's why I said using Facebook was "debatable" and expressed what I "prefer." At the same time, I like to think my attitudes are not totally fossilized, if perhaps increasingly formal by today's standards, and I know times change.

    I'm fascinated by how the world has moved on, and I embrace some things, reject others. As for Facebook, my experience is telling me it's a relatively short-lived fad, until the next gimmick comes along. And where our social conventions will go next as a result I can't begin to guess.