Do you have straight male friends?

  • Lifeisgood

    Posts: 46

    Oct 18, 2007 11:08 AM GMT
    I realized recently after taking stock of my life, that I have just as many straight male friends as I do gay ones. Over the years, my very close, life-long, gay friends and I have stayed in touch but we have scattered around the country. We stay in touch the best we can by email, phone calls, and semi-yearly visits and they will always be there, just like family.

    But lately, it seems that the more comfortable I am with myself, and the more I get to know who I am and what I want out of life, I have more straight friends.

    I've been out since I was 17 years old - yes that was a long time ago. I did the "gay thing", hanging out in bars in Boston, NYC, Atlanta, etc.

    But I figured out that I don't believe in segregation, I believe in integration and through that I have been able to make friends with some really great straight guys who are comfortable with themselves and not threatened by me.

    My favorite part, which touches my heart and makes me laugh, is that my straight male friends really want me to find that special guy that will just adore me because they believe I have so much to offer.

    What do you think?
  • rugbyjockca

    Posts: 84

    Oct 18, 2007 1:56 PM GMT
    I used to. But he came out to me two years ago. So at that point even my "straight" friends were getting more gay sex than me.
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    Oct 18, 2007 2:42 PM GMT

    Not anymore. They I had thought I wanted to get in their pants. NOT! Talk about massive ego. I am one of those Gay men who will only date and be with another gay man. That's a diffrent thread. I can't relate to a lot of straight men. No outside of having to deal with them at work and that is really taxing. I really don't try to maintain a relationship with them.
  • Lifeisgood

    Posts: 46

    Oct 18, 2007 3:28 PM GMT
    Wow I find that interesting and a bit sad, I guess.

    I don't want people to make broad assumptions about me, or about gay men, and so I think it's my responsibility to not do the same to others, in this case, straight men.

    I have run into a few "straight" men who ended up hitting on me, but those are not guys that I would call my "friends" in the true sense of the word. I'm talking about real guys, straight guys, who are comfortable with their heterosexuality, and because of that are comfortable with me being gay.

    Once you get passed that, it's just about friendship.

    I hope more guys out there have possitive experiences.
  • Salubrious

    Posts: 420

    Oct 18, 2007 3:31 PM GMT
    Most of my friends are straight guys... I have a few gay male friends and some women friends as well.
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    Oct 18, 2007 4:15 PM GMT
    I actually don't have many Gay male friends. For my "close" male friends, my being gay is a non-issue, or a source of jokes and innuendos. All in good fun, of course. For straight guys that I do not associate with on a regular basis, they either get over it quick or they try not to associate themselves with me. My real friends are there, backing me up and standing up for me when I’m not there. I feel sorry for the first drunk guy that starts in on me when I’m out with my friends. My best friend (female) would go to jail for me in a heartbeat, and over the F word.
    I do have my share of problems, but they are mostly from people who don’t know “me”. I just tell them that they are missing out on a great friend and it’s their choice to feel that way. I don’t go out of my way in an effort to get to know them, I let them decide.
    Sorry, got a little off topic.
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    Oct 18, 2007 4:20 PM GMT
    very many straight friends. one gay friend.
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    Oct 18, 2007 4:37 PM GMT
    I use to when I lived with my partner out west as most of our neighbors were of course straight and they had no problem with us I believe because we were very masculine. Now I just have a few straight friends but I prefer hanging out with them because I find most gay men so dramatic, pretentious or shallow that I don't want anything to do with them. Plus I love the outdoors and I find few gay men into that. Maybe they're afraid of breaking a nail. I guess it depends on the person. I would rather watch a baseball game or hammer a nail then talk about Madonnas new cd, swap recipes or how cool my new AF shirt/leather chaps are.
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    Oct 18, 2007 6:22 PM GMT
    How many of you guys who responded to this thread, who said that they have straight male friends are able to do the following:

    Can you have an open an frank discussion with your friend about the issues that are currently at the for-front in out communities.

    Do they believe that being gay is a choice that we make or we are born gay.

    Can you go to them for support when you are have problem with your bf or lover.

    Do they believe in Gay marriage?

    Do they believe that a Gay Hate Crime law should be passed or any Hate Crime Bill at all should be passed.

    Did they befriend you because "You Don't Act Gay" or "You Are Straight Acting"!

    I can go on and on. But I will stop there.

    These are just a few of the reasons why I currently do not have Straight Male friends.

    The straight men that I am social with does not extend out side the work. Because if I have to compromise of the above that I believe in with my heart and soul the friendship just is not worth it.

    One of the responders wrote that he thinks it sad that I do not have any straight male friends...Please don't be.

    I would ask you in your circle are you the only one that's gay?

    Phoenixicon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 18, 2007 6:29 PM GMT
    I have straight friends on my team, some of them fairly close. My best friend is straight. But I have close gay friends as well.

    The good thing about straight friends is that they want nothing more with you than friendship and vice versa. Many gay friendships take more effort to maintain without "crossing the line" or having misunderstandings get out of control.

    What concerns me is how few females are in my social life.
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    Oct 18, 2007 6:31 PM GMT
    I have several straight male friends...and these are very close. They are very supportive of gay rights, gay marriage, and supported me as I came out.

    I find it very sad that some of you have straight friends who are not supportive. Friendship should be independent of sexuality, of course, but I do understand that people tend to cluster around others who share their views and values. However, being straight doesn't preclude a guy from being supportive.

    John
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    Oct 18, 2007 6:40 PM GMT
    First I have more straight male friends than gay. Mostly for the same reasons above, I have more in common. I like getting dirty and roughed up, a lot of gay guys rather sit in a bar.

    Now to answer the questions above. I am sure they wouldn't have a problem discussing any of those subjects. But why would I? It doesn't concern them.

    I hate that mentality. Having a friend doesn't mean they have to be a crusader for gay rights.
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    Oct 18, 2007 6:41 PM GMT

    For those of you that have straight friends! That is cool. You are fortunate. I don't there nothing wrong with that. With the exception of my brother he and I are great friends and get along fairly well until he starts acting like my big brother and becomes a know it all! Then I have to tell him to bugger-off. LOL.

    I took issue with the one guy who said he felt sad because I did not have any straight male friends.

    My brother is my friends I guess I do.
  • iHavok

    Posts: 1477

    Oct 18, 2007 6:44 PM GMT
    most of my friends are straight men now. I find i have a lot more in common with them, than a gay man, worried about what Paris is up to, and which jeans makes my ass look best. LOL
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    Oct 18, 2007 6:47 PM GMT
    I have a number of straight friends that I've known for many, many years. We are all scattered across the country (globe for that matter), but we keep in touch as much as we can...mostly online thanks to the internet.



  • imaxim

    Posts: 94

    Oct 18, 2007 7:05 PM GMT
    Before coming out, all of my friends were heterosexual, because I didn't know any gays at all. During that time, I heard a lot of things that ultimately led to my current distrust and avoidance of straight men. However, by default, the oldest friends I have are straight (those select few people I decided to keep in my life afterward).

    Since coming out (and relocating), I've also made a few friends--mostly on accident--who have proven me wrong on every level, as far as my previous negative impressions of straight guys. I hold a lot of the same sentiments as Phoenix43, and I can definitely say there are straight guys out there who meet most of those standards. However, personally, I still tend to avoid cultivating new friendships with straight guys unless they occur on their own. I've already spent too much time in total isolation from other gays, and worrying about what I can and cannot discuss.
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    Oct 18, 2007 7:11 PM GMT
    I went to an all boys middle school and all boys camp for many, many years so a lot of times I'm more comfortable in a straight guy environment than a gay one, it feels more like home to me. i think it goes without saying that there are a ton of openminded, nice, supportive straight men out there. Then again, I imagine it's a lot easier to say that in a place like Los Angeles where there such a visible gay community. On a somewhat related note, I have found myself wanting more gay friends now that I am getting older - nonstop heterosexual talk of buying new houses and newborn baby woes has gotten really old really fast.
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    Oct 18, 2007 7:21 PM GMT
    "Do you have straight male friends? "

    Most of my friends are straight men, certainly all but one of my closest friends are.

    Phoenix43 wrote: "...Can you have an open an frank discussion with your friend about the issues that are currently at the for-front in out communities."

    Yes, but then its probably not a common topic of conversation even with my gay friends. Certainly I have talked about gay marriage - for example - to all the guys who came to our ceremony.

    Do they believe that being gay is a choice that we make or we are born gay.

    Several believe we are born that way, to quote one of my friends "Who gives a damn, there's more ladies for me"

    Can you go to them for support when you are have problem with your bf or lover.

    Yes

    Do they believe in Gay marriage?

    The ones who came to our religious marriage/civil domestic partnership ceremony did.

    Do they believe that a Gay Hate Crime law should be passed or any Hate Crime Bill at all should be passed.

    Split 50/50 probably, but then I am not sure how I feel about it either half the time.

    Did they befriend you because "You Don't Act Gay" or "You Are Straight Acting"!

    Since I don't 'ACT' like anything but myself, I would have to say no (and I really HATE those terms).

    I gather you mean would they still be my friends if I were effeminate? Hard to say, for friendship as with anything else, we are attracted to what we are attracted to.


    R
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    Oct 18, 2007 7:37 PM GMT
    Guys,

    Well I did not make up the terms 'The terms You don't Act GAY and Straight Acting we things that were said to me by several guys recently who at diffrent times in my life that I was hanging out with.

    When they said them to me I wanted to vomit.
    So I hate the terms just as much as you do.

    The various topics that I listed were issues that were dicussed when I was in the comany of family members and straight men and women. Let me tell you it got pretty heated.

    Point is I refuse to change who I am to make someone else comfortable. I carry myself with dignity and self-respect.

    I have a intimate circle of friends who I can go to no matter what. 90% pecent are gay men and 10% are women.
    The fact that I have no straight male friends luck of the draw.

    I'm happy to have good friends! 8-)

    Cheers,
  • fryblock

    Posts: 387

    Oct 18, 2007 7:47 PM GMT
    i have a few straight guy friends, but many more gay guy friends. then a random assortment of girls.
  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Oct 18, 2007 8:01 PM GMT
    I'm lacking in male friends in general. Unfortunately they seem to be my more locational friends. So I move and lose track. I've got a few still, who are some of my closest friends, but they rarely number as many as the female ones.

    Unfortunately, grad school in Worcester is not the right locale to find more.
  • Lifeisgood

    Posts: 46

    Oct 18, 2007 8:16 PM GMT
    I feel like we got off track.

    I had written originally about how lucky I felt to have straight guy friends for whom me being gay is absolutely no issue. Now, they are not as close to me as my female friends or gay friends but I am lucky that I can be myself, they enjoy my company, we hang out alone together sometimes, and it all seems just normal.

    I feel lucky and I am lucky that the lines of gay/straight and men/women are blurred and I don't have to give it a second thought.

    I was hoping that others out there had similar experiences but I guess for the most part I'm on my own (at least among those that have replied).

    Thanks for participating, I really do appreciate it.
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    Oct 18, 2007 8:16 PM GMT
    Most of my friends are (or at least claim to be) straight. I have a couple of gay friends. I find it strange that some people don't have straight friends, there's so many straight people around hehe, what do you do, avoid them? Why would you do that?


    QUOTE:Can you have an open an frank discussion with your friend about the issues that are currently at the for-front in out communities.


    Yeap, although when I do I don't think they are as personally invested in the topic as I am.

    QUOTEDo they believe that being gay is a choice that we make or we are born gay.


    Most of my friends (myself included) seem to believe it's a combination of nature/nurture, the degree of which varies for each individual (e.g. for some it's much more nature, and for some much more nurture.)

    QUOTE:Can you go to them for support when you are have problem with your bf or lover.


    I don't have a BF/Lover icon_sad.gif I lead a sad lonely life. But if I did I wouldn't go to anyone for support. I'd probably talk to them about it as a sort of 'news' thing, but I generally tend to keep personal issues... personal ;)

    QUOTE:Do they believe in Gay marriage?


    Most either believe in it or just don't care. One of them is a republican bastard and I don't think he does lol. I think he believes that gays can be 'cured' through one of those psychological treatment programs. Or at least he made a comment along those lines once.

    QUOTE:Do they believe that a Gay Hate Crime law should be passed or any Hate Crime Bill at all should be passed.


    Dunno, have not discussed with them. But personally I think hate crime bills should be removed in general. Wtf is a hate crime anyway? What is the opposite of a hate crime lol. If someone commits a crime I think punishment should be even across the board.

    QUOTE:Did they befriend you because "You Don't Act Gay" or "You Are Straight Acting"!


    Dunno, never asked them how 'gay' they think I act lol. Although if they did I wouldn't be offended. I act how I act, and there are plenty of straight and gay people I won't befriend because I don't like how they act. How someone acts is an important part of the person and their personality.


    QUOTE:These are just a few of the reasons why I currently do not have Straight Male friends.


    I'm glad I don't live in the world you live in where all straight men are as you describe. Or maybe you're straight-phobic ;)

    QUOTE:
    I would ask you in your circle are you the only one that's gay?


    In my main circle to my knowledge yes. I have a few gay friends who have their own circles who I met way after I formed my main circle, and since they already have their own social circles they are not part of my main one. But I still hang out with them relatively often and also in combination with my straight friends once in a while.
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Oct 18, 2007 8:35 PM GMT
    I have more straight male friends than I have gay male friends, probably in large part because there are more straight men than there are gay men in general. I also probably have more straight female friends than I do straight male friends, but that's driven by a combination of factors, not least of which is that even though I'm in a natural science, there are more women in my department than there are men, and the majority of people who show up to the weekly pick-up volleyball game I go to are women.

    I don't pick my friends based on some political checklist, nor do I myself agree with all of the viewpoints expressed above as being important in straight friends (hate crime legislation, for example). I also don't look for reasons to not be friends with someone. If we interact regularly either due to having mutual friends, some common interests, or some work relationship, and they seem interesting and enjoyable to be around, they'll move into the friend category. If we grow apart, so be it. I'm sure the fact that I'm low on drama has some influence on my friendships, as I'm low maintenance and thus less draining to my friends than I would be if I were a more stereotypical drama queen, but I'm hardly going to hold that against them as I don't really get along that well with many high maintenance people myself.

    Fundamentally, it's no more sensical to view all straight men as being like each other as it is to view all gay men as being like each other. Their unifying feature is that...they're men who like to have sex with women and not with men. Other than that, anything's possible.
  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Oct 18, 2007 8:36 PM GMT
    In my closest local friends, I'm the only gay one, yes. In my closest circle of friends right now there are three straight women, and two straight men. In my further afield friends, the numbers get more difficult and include far more gay men than my local friend group.

    Is my gayness an issue? No. My friends make cracks about it just like I make cracks about my pregnant friend being a "baby factory" and harboring a "gut maggot." (Yes, she thinks these are hilarious, we have an odd relationship).

    Are they supportive of gay marriage? ::shrugs:: They're supportive of *my* marriage happening someday, and my having a kid with a surrogate mother.

    Hate Crime bills? Never asked. Probly.

    They're my friends because I am who I am. They don't care if I act "straight" or "gay" or anything else. They get a kick out of the fact that I don't act.

    Do I talk to them about BF issues? Yeps. And they're very supportive.