Breaking It Off

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    Mar 14, 2009 1:33 AM GMT
    Hey All-

    So recently I've been thinking about breaking up with my bf. The thing is I still love the man and we can both keep each other in check as far temper is concerned and on the outside it would look like a pretty good relationship.

    But there are somethings that just aren't working such as our differences in religion, the way we clean the apartment, his jealousy towards my male friends, he thinks he's always right, he's not out to his family but I am to mine, he occasionally will play the race card on me (he's black, I'm white), etc.

    So the question is does anyone have advice as far as the best way to break up, any stories about past experiences or tips on relationships.

    Thank you to anyone who contributes.

    -Airdog56
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    Mar 14, 2009 2:20 AM GMT
    Wow, I have no experience with this, actually.
    I might suggest you consider talking with friends who have gone through something similar.
    Or, if you don't want others to know first, maybe tell a counselor.

    Good luck. I think what JPRichVA wrote makes sense.
    It's not easy to break up or be broken up with.
    How long were you together?
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    Mar 14, 2009 2:48 AM GMT
    Thanks for the comments. We've been together for almost a year, and our "anniversary" is comming up so it makes it that much harder.

    I'd like to talk with someone else about it first, but for one I'm military, so I have to be mostly discreet, and I don't have any friends that have been as involved in a relationship as we have gotten.

    I plan on having a sit down talk with him, but my biggest fear is how he will react.
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    Mar 14, 2009 2:55 AM GMT
    Hey buddy- sorry about that, really.
    1 year is hard. I was wondering if it was like a longer relationship.
    Nonetheless, it's tough. Are you anywhere near a large city where you can take advantage of a call-in center at one of the gay community centers around the country? Many of the centers have good peer counselors for phone help...Or, I could recommend the one here in my town - they are all trained and talented...and maybe one of them on call has the experience to help ya...215.732.2220.

    Good luck!
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    Mar 14, 2009 3:02 AM GMT
    If your anniversary is coming up, it's probably best to do it as soon as you can. The closer it gets to the anniversary, the harder it will be, I think. Of course, breakups are never easy, and he's likely to feel hurt and/or mad. And I'm sure there's a part of you that's hurting as well. But ultimately you have to do what you feel is best, and believe that regardless of how hard the breakup is for you or him, it will eventually get better. I've been on both sides of it, so my thoughts are with you.
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    Mar 14, 2009 3:13 AM GMT
    I'd sit him down and talk about what you see in the relationship good and bad. If he can't handle it then that's your answer. If he can and will work it out and let you know about his wants and needs then you two might not have to break up.

    Good Luck.
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    Mar 14, 2009 3:27 AM GMT
    Been honest and make it a clean break. No matter how much it may hurt be truth full.
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    Mar 14, 2009 3:31 AM GMT
    jprichva saidSit him down quietly and say---without anger or emotions---"I'm sorry, but this isn't working for me anymore."


    This is always the best idea! You need to be clear about the decision you're making and what kind of relationship you want with him. Do it calmly and consider your words before they come out of your mouth. No matter what happens, this isn't easy, but you need to be honest and caring about the way you present your decision.
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    Mar 14, 2009 3:43 AM GMT
    airdog56 saidHey All-

    So recently I've been thinking about breaking up with my bf. The thing is I still love the man and we can both keep each other in check as far temper is concerned and on the outside it would look like a pretty good relationship.

    But there are somethings that just aren't working such as our differences in religion, the way we clean the apartment, his jealousy towards my male friends, he thinks he's always right, he's not out to his family but I am to mine, he occasionally will play the race card on me (he's black, I'm white), etc.

    So the question is does anyone have advice as far as the best way to break up, any stories about past experiences or tips on relationships.

    Thank you to anyone who contributes.

    -Airdog56


    Make two columns. One pro and one con.

    Only you can decide which side has the heavier weight.

    Make a decision, and move on, to wherever it leads you.

    It may very well be time for a change.
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    Mar 14, 2009 4:09 AM GMT
    Thanks guys-

    I've actually made a pro, con list, which lead to me thinking about breaking up. I'm going to sit him down and see if some of these issues can be worked out, but there's some pretty big issues.

    And I hate sounding dramatic (I hate relationship drama) but I feel like banging my head on the wall everytime I think about this issue.

    I live in DC, so I can probably find a gay community center to talk to.

    -airdog56
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    Mar 14, 2009 7:03 AM GMT
    If youre thinking about it a lot and not talking to him about it, I'd say you have already checked out. Do you live together?

    Its scary as shit to sit him down and says it over, but its the best thing to do, and the sooner the better for both of you. He doesnt keep anything in check for you, you decide to be better behaved because you want to.

    Nobody has that level of control in our lives but us. Don't stay in it to maintain some kind of co-dependency.
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Mar 14, 2009 7:46 AM GMT
    Ick.

    Hate these moments...however, they are inevitable...we all either break up or are broken up at some point in our lives...I haven't run into a Disney-type relationship yet...

    Don't wait for a good time to break the news...there isn't any...

    Be Brave, Be Strong, Be Kind...

    ...and let the bf have his reaction and emotions [and be as OK with it as you possibly can]...the longer you wait...the harder it gets...and in some cases...the less civil things can be...

    if you love the man...realize that the love you share can be transitioned into a strong friendship...I have this with two ex's...I would take a bullet for either of them...but dating and living together just didn't work out for us...

    Good Luck.

    - David icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 19, 2009 5:40 AM GMT
    Thanks all,

    These are all good tips. I appreciate y'all taking the time to write.
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    Mar 19, 2009 5:49 AM GMT
    Some things seem valid concerns and then some seem trivial such as the way he cleans-unless of course he's a total slob.

    Thing is, have you expressed yourself to him regarding your feelings and what has been his response?

    It usually takes two to tango and hopefully you guys can work it out instead of breaking up.
  • jgymnast733

    Posts: 1783

    Apr 27, 2009 12:17 AM GMT
    Wow, he sounds just wonderful....NOT
    90% of the men i date are outside of my race,,Make that 98%...lol
    Why would someone play the so called [race-card] with someone they love?
    Tell him it's not working out and move to manhattan,,i'll be waiting for youicon_exclaim.gif