Mr. Almost Perfect?

  • junknemesis

    Posts: 682

    Mar 14, 2009 8:21 AM GMT
    I went on a date a few days ago with a guy in my area. He's not on RJ, so you guys don't know him, but I wanted to share some things.

    The date went awesomly. We drove around, talked, had dinner and everything went smoothly. Comunication was great, and we laughed together and had a good time.

    However, three times we stoped so he could have a smoke. Now you may have read a previous post and know that I hate smoking with the fiery passion of at least 3 suns. But he is smart, fun to be with, romantic, and sensitive enough to be a sweetheart, but not so mushy that it's a turn off. He's kind of got a tough guy attitude, but it's not that big. And phisically? He's perfect.

    But another aspect of the equation is this. I keep thinking about him. He's gone for the weekend for his work (not a regular thing) and will be back probably monday. We're going to probably catch a movie. And I can't wait. I really like being around him, and find myself hoping he's doing alright where he is.

    So yeah he's pretty much everything I ever wanted in a guy, but he smokes. He said he's tried quitting twice and wants to quit, and I told him out flat my feelings for smoking, but I was gentil about it.

    But when we stopped, I stood outside in the cold with him while he smoked and we talked more. I didnt mind at all. We have comunicated via email and text since then, and I enjoy recieving each message.

    What would you do in my shoes? Perfect guy, but his one vice is the thing (or one of the things) you never thought you could tolerate in a guy.
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    I'm thinking that I'm going to say to hell with the smoking and try to make the relationship work. If he's to quit smoking I want him to do it for him, not for me. Besides I think that it's not imposible that it could be soon.

    What do you think? Opinions? Advice? Flame?

    I don't want to loose the possibility that this guy is The One simply because of one thing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2009 9:05 AM GMT
    Don't go try changing your man. You will fail!

    Don't go whining about how he's gotta quit and how it's bad for his health. You're not his mum.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2009 9:38 AM GMT
    You hypocrite. I can't believe you would say you hate smoking and then go out with a *gasp* smoker. I'll never read one of your posts again. Just who do you think you are? You are a traitor to nonsmokers everywhere.


    Okay that's enough flaming from me so now that is over I think you should go for it. Isn't it funny how we say we hate something and then it gets in our face like that? Who knows maybe he will stop smoking. Go for it and see what happens.
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    Mar 14, 2009 10:33 AM GMT
    Go for it!!! Let things develop & if (I certainly hope) things get more serious then you can set some rules...

    Enjoy your moment.
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    Mar 14, 2009 10:54 AM GMT
    By all means, go for it. You guys are in the getting to know each other stage. So far, you both like what you see in each other. Just see how it develops. Good Luckicon_biggrin.gif
  • ursa_minor

    Posts: 566

    Mar 14, 2009 10:56 AM GMT
    No one is perfect I guess.
    Either you diss him now and wait for the next perfect guy, as perfect as perfect can be. (too many p´s sorry)
  • junknemesis

    Posts: 682

    Mar 14, 2009 11:23 AM GMT
    blue_ahli saidNo one is perfect I guess.
    Either you diss him now and wait for the next perfect guy, as perfect as perfect can be. (too many p´s sorry)


    Oh come on, a little lythe alliteration is loath to lay low anyone! icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2009 12:24 PM GMT
    Hmmmm... I'd hold my ground and say no smokers. I, too, despise smoking - it's unhealthy, unclean, and makes everything smell like crap. And, I've told my hubby that if he ever smokes a cigar (he never would) I'd leave him in an instant - no matter if we've been together for 60 minutes or 60 years. Totally cannot stand cigars... Enough of my tirade!

    I'd put a stipulation on the whole thing - tell him you think he's great but you ain't getting all serious with a smoker. It's not good for either of your health, and you'll get secretly pissed every time you wake up and your bed smells like smoke from his body. But, I don't know your situation - it appears you're not in a major metropolitan area, so dating may be few and far between?

    Ain't nothing wrong with being a single boy for a while, until your non-smoking future-hubby appears. Don't be a rush to settle into a relationship, single life is just as fun as married life... You're young!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2009 12:41 PM GMT
    suck him off and tell him his cum taste like cigs and you need him to ware a condom in the future, gotta give him positive reasons to quit. lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2009 1:04 PM GMT
    junknemesis saidWhat would you do in my shoes? Perfect guy, but his one vice is the thing (or one of the things) you never thought you could tolerate in a guy.

    Try it for a while. Either it works, or else you've learned a life-lesson as you move on. I had a partner who smoked, and dated some smokers, too, even though I hate smoking.

    And it can be a hassle for the non-smoker, since it's a demanding addiction, even if a legal one in our society. You've already mentioned some of the drawbacks of being with a chain smoker, and believe me there are many more, like the risk to your own health from second-hand smoke.

    The one that bothered me most is the crisis you get dragged into when they run out of cigarettes, and getting some more becomes a stop-everything-else-we're-doing priority. Suddenly your date together is transformed into a frantic quest for smokes, and everything else you were doing or hoping to do gets put on the back burner. And maybe you have to stand there watching your BF debase himself as he goes around "bumming" for cigs from strangers.

    Second worst for me was the constant interruptions of anything we were doing, which you've already experienced. And since indoor smoking is increasingly banned, that meant a trip outside every few minutes, whether in a restaurant, at a movie, or watching TV together ("So what did I miss while I was gone? Did they find out who the killer was?") But out of politeness I'd usually go outside, too, to keep him company.

    Being with a smoker ain't easy, as your own life starts being controlled by the nicotine timetable, just like theirs is. Only you can judge for yourself whether it's worth it, so again, try it out, see what you think.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2009 1:24 PM GMT
    If your relationship is good enough on all other fronts you can put up with it (as I have done for over 10 years with my bf). But have no illusions about getting him to change. Persuasion, nagging, ridicule, ostracism will all fail unless he at some point finds the inner strength to quit.
    Also, to preserve your own health and sanity, some ground rules are essential. 1) no smoking in the house or car, ever. 2) you won't drop what you're doing to accompany him outside for his cig breaks.
    Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2009 2:39 PM GMT
    Well the smoking issue can't be as bad as you say since cleary you have a thing for him regardless of his smoking issue. Guess that means youcare capable of changing your views. Imagine that.

    Sounds like you have 2 options...maybe three.

    Option 1: Your passionate hate equivalent to that of three suns towards smoking takes control and you end it with him.

    Option 2: You deal with the that fact that he has a vice as I'm sure you do too and compromise with it. Smoking is a choice and maybe with a little encouragement you might be able to persuade him to change a little bit or at least smoke less around you.

    Options 3: You become a smoker. LOL. I'm just having fun. If you are that passionate about not smoking then that won't happen but then again you are dating a smoker so then I guess anything is possible. Ha.


    Time is Never's worst opponent.
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    Mar 14, 2009 3:49 PM GMT
    I was in this boat once...Hated cigarette smoke and never considered those who smoked until the one time I fell for a longtime friend of mine that I clicked with on a lot of different levels. It did get annoying to break our conversations for him to go smoke outside sometimes. I let him smoke in my home once just to not break the flow, but regretted it the next day...Took 2 weeks to get the smell out.

    While we didnt work as a couple in the long run (and he still smokes to this day), it did make me reconsider my list of "deal breakers" that I used to have.
  • TR_Latitude10

    Posts: 206

    Mar 14, 2009 4:02 PM GMT
    dear OP,
    " he's tried quitting twice " means he isn't serious about quitting. Ask any ex-smoker and they'll tell you it takes many, many serious attempts.
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    Mar 14, 2009 4:25 PM GMT
    If he's that great and you can't deal with his smoking, please send him my way.
  • DrStorm

    Posts: 185

    Mar 14, 2009 5:16 PM GMT
    ahhh...falling in love....the honeymoon phase....when all logic seems to escape us....god, those are GOOD days indeed!!!!

    Some good advice and suggestions have been given in this thread. The minute you start asking or demanding he stop smoking your relationship WILL BE doomed. That I can guarantee, if not in the short-term, most definitely in the long-term. Which leaves it up to him to quit - chances of that are slim, but not zero.

    So, if he does not quit and your relationship does go south I can guarantee you now (and if I could bet on it I would, as it would be a sure thing compared to putting more money into the stock market) that his smoking will become a major issue and you will resent him (and yourself) because of his smoking.

    Then again, the two of you could end up with a fantastic relationship and have many happy years together until you die of lung cancer from the second hand smoke....

    Life is such a bitch...they never said it would be easy....

    Remember, there is a red light on the car dashboard for a reason......

    PEACE

    daWeatherMan

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    Mar 14, 2009 5:27 PM GMT
    Here's the thing. No one, no matter what, will be completly perfect. I learned here at College that a long time ago if you thought of yourself as being perfect, you were comparing yourself to God. My English teacher had gone on a trip and they were on a tour and the guide brought them to a quilt and asked what was wrong. It was missing a letter of the Alphabet because if you didn't leave out a letter you were saying you were like God. This woman's sister put the full Alphabet on her quilt and was hung in the town for trying to be perfect. So we all have flaws even though we want our mate to be perfect. Hey if you can get him to quit for you, then that's great. Best of luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2009 6:01 PM GMT
    Go for it !

    Sounds like you are able & willing to deal with his smoking. DO NOT go into this thinking that he will quit. If he quits, it will be when and if he is ready.

    Enjoy !
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2009 6:49 PM GMT
    I'd go for it. Smoking is something that usually doesn't last forever. The guy already said he wants to quit. Maybe the start of a new relationship is exactly the kick in the butt he needs?

    And by the way.. some of these posts on here are flipping ridiculous.icon_rolleyes.gif Every relationship requires sacrifices on both ends. Maybe almost perfect guy really dislikes something that -you- do, and is wanting to put it aside and take a chance at being with you anyway?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 14, 2009 6:52 PM GMT
    What would I do? I wouldn't ave gone on the date with him in the first place knowing he was a smoker. I just don't want to deal with that.

    What should you? Decide how important it the smoking issue is to you. Can you live with it or will you constantly be bother by it?
  • training_guy

    Posts: 270

    Mar 14, 2009 6:56 PM GMT
    You can't have it all....he might have been a smoker but instead been a dreadful bore....
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Mar 15, 2009 12:44 PM GMT
    Test it out *Gak
    See *cough where it leads you *wheeze
    You never know *choke this might just be the man for you *wheezeicon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 15, 2009 1:41 PM GMT
    Smoking IS gross, and I don´t know if I could date a smoker. I think the issue is that you need to talk to him about how you are feeling. For me even friends that smoke are a strain (if it´s the cig every few minutes crap), a cigar every few months is a different story...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 15, 2009 2:33 PM GMT



    Here's a few lines from an old Jesse Winchester song (1972)

    Isn't That So


    Didn't He know what He was doin
    Putting eyes into my head?
    If He didn't want me watching men
    He'd a-left my eyeballs dead

    Isn't that so?
    Isn't that so?
    You've got to go where your heart says go
    Isn't that so?

    Didn't He know what He was doin
    When He made the magic vine?
    His own Son got a reputation
    Turning water into wine

    Isn't that so?
    Isn't that so?
    You've got to go where your heart says go
    Isn't that so?

    Line of least resistance lead me on, lead me on,
    Line of least resistance lead me on.

    Didn't He know what He was doin
    When He divided high and low?
    You got to bury the seed in the dirt my friend
    If you want the thing to grow

    Isn't that so?
    Isn't that so?
    You've got to go where your heart says go
    Isn't that so?

    *apologies to Jesse for changing one word in the lyrics (guess which one)

    and 'magic vine' in the song is 'love'


    -Doug

    PS going out with you is more likely to help him quit just by the fact that you don't - I'm sure there's something you two could do that would, er, distract him. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2009 5:13 AM GMT
    If you keep waiting for the PERFECT guy, you're gonna wait a looong long time indeed. You'll have a lot more regretting to do if you realized you had the chance and missed it than if you actually went and took that chance.

    SNAP HIM UP!