Gay slurs and Hate from "Best Friend"

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 15, 2009 6:53 PM GMT
    Had my Saturday night ruined in span of 2 minutes last night....(Sorry for the long post)

    One of my "Best Friends" is straight but doesn't know about me (I know, we're still close tho, I'm very masc and very discreet but been opening up more, he been a friend since college (13 years) and we've been through a lot together)...He's newly married and has a baby on the way. I'm one of his closest friends, and definitely a top candidate for being named his child's Godfather. Now he's got a foul mouth, and can be a lil embarrassing in public sometimes but I brush it off...

    Anyway, his B-day was Friday so I take him out to a (straight) club on Saturday night. We're having a good time, enjoying the people, music, etc...He gets a lot to drink but seems coherent. Out of the blue he looks around the crowd (mixed with 20s-40s, men & women) then he turns to me and says:

    "Two things that would kill me is if I have a girl and she turns out to be a Dyke or if I have a boy and he turns out to be a Faggot!"

    WHOA...Out of no where...

    This year, I stopped drinking to focus on working out so I was totally sober. Now, he's said some minor things in the past that, at most, made me think he was a latent or had insecurities about his own sexuality...But they were minor enough to brush aside

    I try to ignore him as if I'm too into the music (the damage was already done in my head though)...But he continues saying that he was listening to Adam Corolla's show and they were joking about a father walking in on his teenage son having sex and they joked that they would hope their son was at least 'pitching instead of catching'...

    So I turn to him and say, "Well, lemma ask you this: Would you rather have a dead baby or a Gay son....?"

    His response, "They're both the same...but at least the dead baby is happy (in the afterlife)...and he wouldn't be a fuckin faggot"

    He said more after that but by then I was tuned out...I walked off and thought to myself, "This is someone I call a 'best friend'? And I'm here spending my time and money for the birthday of a person that would most likely react negatively if I told him about myself being gay...Do I need this type of negativeity in my life with all the progression I've made for myself up until now? And what if I bring a gay friend or a date around him and he said something like that...?"

    All of these thoughts went through my head...

    We stay for 10-15 more minutes and leave, he could see I was tuned out but assumed I'd gotten bored.

    On the way home I contemplate just cutting myself off from him altogether, which is an extreme move. But I don't wanna do the whole "Tell him about myself so that he may have a change of heart about homosexuals since his best friend is gay" scenario....It sucks that he's about to have a child and will most likely share this hate thinking with him/her...

    Not sure if there is a question for you guys in there, just had to vent to someone I guess...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 15, 2009 7:25 PM GMT
    If you reach the point where you can't remain friends with him because of his anti-gay hatred, then tell him you're gay. You'll have nothing more to lose with him, and you could accomplish several things:

    1. He may drop you like a rock and save you the hassle of having to tell him you don't wanna remain friends anymore. No break-up angst, it's over quick & clean.

    2. He might be forced to reevaluate himself and his own attitudes. A big self-question will be how he could have had a gay best friend all this time, and why he didn't know it. Are his basic assumptions about gays faulty?

    3. Least likely, but possible, is that he'll be rehabilitated by the realization that gay guys can be like his long-time friend, and he'll drop the slurs and remain your friend, meaning you will have won another gay-friendly supporter for our community. YAY!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 15, 2009 7:54 PM GMT
    you need to tell him.
    AinĀ“t much more to say.

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    Mar 15, 2009 8:01 PM GMT
    Even when I was in the closet I would not put up with such comments. Anyone who is serious when they make those statements should not become a parent. Never question the wisdom of Mother Nature. If she determines your kid is gay then accept it and make sure you let the kid know he is loved for who he is so he can reach his potential no matter what that is.
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    Mar 15, 2009 8:25 PM GMT
    telling him your gay wont change him, he will most likely think back at all the times youve played sports, gone hiking, changed/showered together and be repulsed that a fag has been checking him out the last 13 years.

    you will instantly become a "fucking fag" to him, what will be more hurtful to you? letting it fade away, or him writing off your friendship as you lusting after him for so many years?
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    Mar 15, 2009 8:28 PM GMT
    If it were me, I'd wait until his hangover wears off and then call him out on his knuckle-dragging neanderthal comments and see what he has to say about it when he's not shit faced.

    If he's apologetic, there's hope. Some people are what I call "instant asshole - just add alcohol". They say stupid macho bravado bullshit they don't really mean.

    But if he affirms this attitude when he's sober, it might be time to reconsider this friendship.

    Either way, I'd tell him you're gay. It might end the friendship, but it might be ending anyway. And if it doesn't, you're out of the closet to him and there's a chance it makes him reevaluate his perception of gays.
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    Mar 15, 2009 8:32 PM GMT
    hotshotcdn saidtelling him your gay wont change him, he will most likely think back at all the times youve played sports, gone hiking, changed/showered together and be repulsed that a fag has been checking him out the last 13 years.

    you will instantly become a "fucking fag" to him, what will be more hurtful to you? letting it fade away, or him writing off your friendship as you lusting after him for so many years?


    that is horrible to say. when i came out i was scared to come out to a particular friend, because i never knew how he would take it because he used a lot of gay slurs.

    I had come to school with a dramatic makeover and he was like wow, and said that the haircut made me look gay, and i just shrugged and he said, "dude, if you're gay just tell me right now." and i just said yeah and he was like "really? whatever you wanna go to lunch."

    so you never know how someone will react, he has probably never had a (openly) gay friend so he's part of the demographic that has no relation with gay ppl, you need to educate him
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    Mar 15, 2009 8:34 PM GMT
    I'd just dump him. If he came looking for me I'd throw it in his face.
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    Mar 15, 2009 8:35 PM GMT
    Well if you had of been fully truthful wit him. He may not of been so truthful with you. Or maybe he was baiting you, to see your response.

    If I was to have a son. I would not want him to be born a homosexual either, as I would want the best for this child, and maybe your friend wants the same thing?

    I've had str8 mates say the same thing to me. But I don't have any issues with my sexuality, as you seem to. So his words would not of hurt me, as I'm secure within myself. It's the community at large I have issues with, not my sexuality.
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    Mar 15, 2009 8:35 PM GMT
    Once you tell him I'm sure he'd be more embarrassed of having said those comments and you will definitely open his eyes. I think it's kind of unfair to him for you to get all touchy on certain subjects when he doesn't even know you are gay. Obviously you need to enlighten him.

    The world around us does not accept gays as much as we like to think. He's being fed mainstream homophobia, help a buddy out.

    It's like joking about fat people with a fat person (replace fat w/ black, chinese, etc if you don't like that example). Except in your case, he's blind and doesn't know you are fat. Inform him and watch what happens. If you are 'best friends,' and your relationship isn't solely based upon talking about chicks and how much you enjoy vagina, I'm sure there won't be any problems.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Mar 15, 2009 8:54 PM GMT
    What's sort of missing in all this is how "out" you've been and for how long. But, if you've been out for a couple of years or more and still not out to people you describe as a "best friend," then I think you share part of the blame.

    Polls show over and over and over again that straight people's views of gays and gay rights increase when they know a gay person.

    Whatever your reasons for not coming out to him sooner, you really need to do so now. You don't have to make it an attack, but you need to let him know that his words hit home, that you're gay and have been with him through thick and thin.

    If he's really prehistoric in his beliefs, he may end the friendship. Its his loss. But you need to stand up for yourself here.
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    Mar 15, 2009 9:01 PM GMT
    chaos444 said
    hotshotcdn saidtelling him your gay wont change him, he will most likely think back at all the times youve played sports, gone hiking, changed/showered together and be repulsed that a fag has been checking him out the last 13 years.

    you will instantly become a "fucking fag" to him, what will be more hurtful to you? letting it fade away, or him writing off your friendship as you lusting after him for so many years?


    that is horrible to say. when i came out i was scared to come out to a particular friend, because i never knew how he would take it because he used a lot of gay slurs.

    I had come to school with a dramatic makeover and he was like wow, and said that the haircut made me look gay, and i just shrugged and he said, "dude, if you're gay just tell me right now." and i just said yeah and he was like "really? whatever you wanna go to lunch."

    so you never know how someone will react, he has probably never had a (openly) gay friend so he's part of the demographic that has no relation with gay ppl, you need to educate him


    yeah, it is horrible, but it is reality for a lot of people, I cannot imagine someone who would rather have a dead child vs a gay one will be very accepting of having had a closeted gay best friend, my message was not to be mean, but to foster thought about what is the least damaging to the OPs life going forward. I seriously doubt your friend said anything close to what this guy did, and using alcohol as an excuse is lame. It removes the filters, but doesnt put thoughts in people's heads.
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    Mar 15, 2009 9:13 PM GMT
    EricLA said
    Polls show over and over and over again that straight people's views of gays and gay rights increase when they know a gay person.


    EricLA has one hell of a point.

    You're being terribly upset by him when you've been lying to him for as long as you've known him. How about you step up and be honest in order to give him a chance to be a good friend.
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    Mar 15, 2009 9:13 PM GMT
    In the second post above, Red lays out three possible scenarios and in my own case with a former best friend - when I came out to this guy - he went for scenario number one (in Red's example). We were on a ski trip and I just told him - and I'll never forget what he said. "Fuck you Gregg - you're not MY friend - Fuck You, Man! How could you do this to me? How could you do this to the team? I'd like to kick your ass!" (Except he couldn't kick my ass - I'd have kicked his, instead). We never spoke to each other again.

    So - moral of the story - be prepared to lose a "friend". You'll likely find there are tons of great gay and bi friends out there for you anyway!
  • Matia79

    Posts: 215

    Mar 15, 2009 9:20 PM GMT
    The fear you have is natural and understandable. But who are you living your life for - you or him? Ultimately, your main concern is your OWN happiness and if this person (or any person) plays a detriment to that in any way, it's time you dealt with the issue swiftly or walked away.
  • pelotudo87

    Posts: 225

    Mar 15, 2009 9:27 PM GMT
    I would definately tell him. If you're going to have people that close to you in your life, why lie to them? If you lose him as a friend, that's one less person you have to wonder if they're really love you unconditionally (in a platonic way of course, lol).

    I'd tell him. Better to know if he'll stick by you or not now than later on.
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    Mar 15, 2009 9:41 PM GMT
    pelotudo87 saidI would definately tell him. If you're going to have people that close to you in your life, why lie to them? If you lose him as a friend, that's one less person you have to wonder if they're really love you unconditionally (in a platonic way of course, lol).

    I'd tell him. Better to know if he'll stick by you or not now than later on.


    Its been 13 years, not days. I think we all should look at the fact that deception has occurred for the last 13 years. There is no "closeness", the OP for whatever reason didnt tell his friend, now he has to deal with the consequences. Does it suck for him? you bet. Did he create the underlying issue by not telling his close friend? you bet. And not to rag on the OP, but what was your motivation in not telling him? Love yourself before others can love you.
  • guyincinci

    Posts: 11

    Mar 15, 2009 10:16 PM GMT
    Wow, not much to say other then you need to tell him. This was a lot of my friends until I opened my mouth finally. That made them reevaluate the person they knew and loved a moment before I said something. That can't just shut off...and if it does, that is not the friend you want. Who needs people in their life that perpetuate hate. He may be a decent guy and all, but this is indecent behavior and not someone that can provide anything of quality to you or others....
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    Mar 15, 2009 10:27 PM GMT
    "Tell him about [your]self so that he may have a change of heart about homosexuals since his best friend is gay"

    Couldn't have said it better myself!. lol

    Honestly though, if this appears to be a chronic problem... you have two solutions... or rather these are to two solutions I would go for.

    No matter how long you have been friends with him, this behavior is unacceptable in my eyes. He is not just sharing his opinion... his hate is intertwined in his words. I couldn't be friends with somone like that.

    Option 1: Distance yourself from him slowly... until all connection is gone; his incoming child will help with this... if he is a good father.

    Option 2: Spill your guts!

    or... do both.
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    Mar 15, 2009 10:30 PM GMT
    EricLA said

    If he's really prehistoric in his beliefs, he may end the friendship. Its his loss. But you need to stand up for yourself here.


    Not just [yourself] but for ALL gay people. In most cases... certainly not all, "Silence is Acceptance" and not just with gay hate... all forms of hate.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Mar 15, 2009 10:40 PM GMT
    Unfortunately this the death by 1000 cuts we die from when we stay in the closet
    You get to hear the unfiltered hate that people we think have our backs feel for gay people
    and it hurts because they mean it
    Don't fall for the I said it because I was drunk bit ... there's more truth told by drunks than you know
    If you wanna swallow your pride and suck it up and not say anything to stay on the good side of this loud mouth go 'head
    because he'd certainly not do the same for you
    You wanna make a wager on it? .... Go ahead and tell him about you and see what happens
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    Mar 16, 2009 12:17 AM GMT
    He's probably only said that stuff because he's gay himself icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Mar 16, 2009 12:20 AM GMT
    You know, my two best friends at college said some horrific things about gays right in front of me when I was closeted.

    They were horrified when I came out, because they knew what they had said and how that must have hurt. Now they have my back 100%. I'd say tell him.
  • inmidair

    Posts: 70

    Mar 16, 2009 12:41 AM GMT
    I agree with pretty much everyone has said... it's going to be difficult to predict how your friend will react when you tell him. If the friendship means anything to you at all, you definitely should tell him, at least for the sake of closure.

    I also want to point out that being out in your life will eliminate opportunities for this kind of secret pain. Coming out can be scary or painful or difficult, but once you are living your life in an out way, the people who stick around (and the new friends that you make) are going to be the supportive people.

    Finally, one thing that I am learning is that even good friendships change over time. People grow closer or grow apart or change... I made a really close friend 10 years ago, and at the time she was breaking up with her really nice boyfriend because she was a lesbian (and a dancer in a lesbian club). Now she's getting married to a less-than-awesome guy, and she scowls and tries to hush me whenever I mention something about queer people or our rights. I know why she's changed, and I know in my heart that the friendship isn't going to last, but it's still sad to see.
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    Mar 16, 2009 12:52 AM GMT
    Jockbod48 saidIn the second post above, Red lays out three possible scenarios and in my own case with a former best friend - when I came out to this guy - he went for scenario number one (in Red's example). We were on a ski trip and I just told him - and I'll never forget what he said. "Fuck you Gregg - you're not MY friend - Fuck You, Man! How could you do this to me? How could you do this to the team? I'd like to kick you ass!" (Except he couldn't kick my ass - I'd have kicked his, instead). We never spoke to each other again.

    So - moral of the story - be prepared to lose a "friend". You'll likely find there are tons of great gay and bi friends out there for you anyway!





    Yeah. This is the scenario that I imagine will happen as well.

    I admit that I never volunteered my sexual orientation to him, if the topic of gays or gay marriage or pride weekend, etc came up I'd never be a hypocrite...I'd state my opinion which was usually: To each his own, a person being gay does not impact a non-gay person's livelihood in any way, etc

    At the start of 2008, after a friend was murdered (separate reason), I decided that life was too short and that all these years of living in the closet was mostly for the benefit of fitting in with others. I was paranoid about becoming "the gay friend" in the circle of people I'd bonded with since college.

    Nowadays, I care a lot less but still can only make gradual steps to a comfort level of "outness" so to speak...Rather peel off the band aid slowly than to JUST RIP IT OFF!

    So I eventually foresee most of my oblivious friends finding out about me, but I'd hate for them to find out from a guy calling them and calling me a "fuckin faggot"...so I may just fade into the background of his life....Decline the Godfather bid if offered, and meet those "tons of great gay and bi friends out there"