How important is it that someone you date be out to their parents?

  • DanielQQ

    Posts: 365

    Mar 16, 2009 6:19 AM GMT

    Just curious: When you're dating someone and they're not out to mom and dad, is it a big deal for you? Any interesting experiences you want to share?

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    Mar 16, 2009 9:04 AM GMT
    I won't date someone who isnt out to their parents. My first bf wasn't out to his dad, and I had to be around both at the same time trying to pretend I was his friend. I'm not going through that ever again.
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    Mar 16, 2009 9:17 AM GMT
    It's essential for me too. I'll be buggered if I'm going back in the closet for anyone.
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    Mar 16, 2009 1:15 PM GMT
    It wouldn't bother me. I think everyone's relationships with their parents are different and I'm not going to pass up a good guy just because he hasn't told his parents. I don't expect everyone to be, in every aspect, in the same place in their lives as me. We all move at different speeds.

    And, honestly, if a guy keeps bringing me home for the holidays, his parents have to have some idea who I am, even if he doesn't say it.
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    Mar 16, 2009 1:32 PM GMT
    I have dated those not out to thier family. It has always ended badly. The fear thier family will find out. They can not truely share ALL of thier life. I have always felt like I would not be a part of their completely life.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Mar 16, 2009 1:43 PM GMT
    it's not a big issue to me.

    i'm dating HIM, not his parents.
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    Mar 16, 2009 1:55 PM GMT


    When I met Bill, he was not out to his parents and family. Huge Love is like an express train. The barriers to it become paper-thin when you're riding that silver bullet.

    After a year or so of making friendly with his family, I began dropping little hints, as it was becoming apparent to them that we were 'something else' all right.

    One fateful day when we went over there, his Mom and Dad sat us down, told us they had helped all their other kids get started, then handed us a down-payment to get a house! You should have seen Bill's face!


    -Doug
  • Little_Spoon

    Posts: 1562

    Mar 16, 2009 2:00 PM GMT
    I want my parents affection, even if it's just a version of me that I put on for them.

    Frankly, I don't think I'd come out to them any time soon.

    I would hope that whomever I'm dating would understand that. I mean, they're growing up in almost the same situation, right?

    When my parents first suspected me to be Gay the were very aggressive in bringing it up to me. You should of seen the look on their faces, it wasn't hate or disappointment, it was just...disgust.

    I don't want them looking at me like that again. So I act like the talk "fixed" me.

    I'm not very brave.

    Right now I just need my parents to be there for me,and this way I know they are.
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    Mar 16, 2009 2:22 PM GMT


    DanielH, I'll hazard a guess that they're behaving this way because you're young and parents often feel youth is too easily influenced by 'disgusting things'.

    When you get older, something may happen that will have you stepping up to the plate for your family, or for something else that will cause their heightened admiration and respect. (I think they already know you're gay and haven't yet leapt the hurdle of personal prejudice into higher ground)


    -Doug (fairy godfather:winkicon_smile.gif
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Mar 16, 2009 2:33 PM GMT
    Not important to me. If you care about the person then I think it's important that they know you're cool with them coming out to their parents when the time feels right to them. It's a very personal thing, and "the right time" varys with every individual. It seems selfish to me to not date someone just because they are not out to their parents. They should come out when they are ready to.
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    Mar 16, 2009 2:47 PM GMT
    DanielQQ said
    Just curious: When you're dating someone and they're not out to mom and dad, is it a big deal for you? Any interesting experiences you want to share?



    Not at all important
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    Mar 16, 2009 2:55 PM GMT
    My family has always known. I had a bf that was not out; when his family came to town every trace of me was erased for the three weeks. We had no contact it was brutal.

    We were together for about a year and half. When they left, I told him his not being out his family is his choice and I respect that but there is no way that I'm living my life in the closet for anyone not even him.

    As it turned out he said that he did not know how his family would react to dating someone who is African American and Cuban and also that he was gay would be tooo much.

    Those words made my literally SICK to my stomach. After hearing that there was no way that I could continue dating him no way.
    So we split up. The closet is for shoes, clothes and hats not for people. Be proud of who you are. It comes down to how much self respect you have and how much not only do you like who you are, but how much you love who you are.


  • Powertrip

    Posts: 64

    Mar 16, 2009 2:58 PM GMT
    Been there, done that, didn't like it. Took me many years to get where I am in my life and it just feels uncomfortable to hiding things because someone is not at the same stage in his process as I am. I don't force the guy but if he's not there, then we cannot be together. He can have all the potential for a great partner but nobody is going to develop that potential if they can't be true to themselves.
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    Mar 16, 2009 3:20 PM GMT
    No way. How can he love me if he doesn't love himself?
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    Mar 16, 2009 3:28 PM GMT
    I think it is quite easier to say "It doesn't matter to me whether he is out to his parents." I do have to disagree though. When you are the one that supports him in EVERYTHING he does. I mean my first boyfriend, which I am still currently with, was not out to his parents, but now I think he blames me for his coming out. Do I really want to be at fault for this? His mom found out "because she found a picture in his pocket doing laundry." She and his family still thinks I am the devil. They also say that I am and have been brain washing him!

    I think you have to choose your battles at some point. I'm not sure that I could honestly take on another guy that is not out to his parents. It is the hardest thing to do to watch someone you care about and probably love go through choosing you or their parents. Ultimately that is what it will turn into. Can you go years without seeing your boyfriend on the holidays? I'm just saying that at some point it may start wearing on your nerves and his as well.

    ~P
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    Mar 16, 2009 3:51 PM GMT
    I think it helps make things a lot easier. But I don't think it's a must have.. The guy I'm 'dating' now is out to his parents.. sort of. He sat them down and told them he was gay, but he's not sure they believe him. Now.. he hasn't told them about me and him. But he's not exactly hiding it either. They know though.. have walked in on me and him asleep in his bed together and stuff like that.

    But the point is.. If a persons parents are all THAT involved in their sons life, they're going to notice if he has a boyfriend. If they're not involved enough to notice something like that, then I'm not sure I'd be too concerned with them.
  • healthseeker

    Posts: 161

    Mar 16, 2009 3:57 PM GMT
    For me it depends on how involved his parents are with his daily life. I his parents live close by and he/we visit them often I prefer he be out and honest with them. If his parents lived on the other side of the country and he didn't interact with them regulary it would bother me as much.
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    Mar 16, 2009 4:40 PM GMT
    I met the parents of a guy I was seeing one blissful summer. For some reason, I thought he was not out to them, which was entirely not true. Throughout dinner I tried really hard to not seem gay as not to make them suspicious of their son. Which was really hard as I wanted to jump his bones all day.

    Pathetically and unconvincingly I tried to talk about baseball with his father. Later when we were alone (right before the bone jumping) he asked why I acted so weird. We had a good chuckle. But god, it was so awkward I don't think I could do it again.

    I am not going to judge someone for being in the closet for good reason. But dating them puts me back in a little. The little games of closeted life was terrible enough when I was a kid that I don't want to revisit it as an adult.
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    Mar 16, 2009 5:01 PM GMT
    It wouldn't bother me one bit. The timing for telling parents is up to the guy - why should I interfere? There are more important things to consider - vitally important in some cases - such as inheritance and estate matters. I for one don't believe a guy should jeopardize important trust and inheritance factors.
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    Mar 16, 2009 5:06 PM GMT
    DanielQQ said
    Just curious: When you're dating someone and they're not out to mom and dad, is it a big deal for you? Any interesting experiences you want to share?



    I don't associate, knowingly, with folks that I view as deceptive or under-confident, and I'm very upfront about it.

    If someone can't be upfront with something as simple and basic as sexuality, with everyone, I simply do not want to deal with all the baggage the duals-lives thing entails.

    I will NOT act as an enabler to a deceitful / dishonest person. I sure don't want them in my life.
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    Mar 16, 2009 5:25 PM GMT
    I feel like I have no room to make a judgement on someone who isn't out of the cloest, though yes, dating someone who is in the closet isn't entirely fun. I just had the attitude that the person I was dating was coming to terms with things later in life than I did, and I am extremely thankful I learned to be proud of myself at a younger age.

    I would never force anyone out of the closet but I know that I would prefer to date someone who can be open to the people in his life, simply because I would want to experience the people he is close with and have relationships with them (friendly ones) just as I would want him to have a good relationship with my mother/sister etc...
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    Mar 16, 2009 5:35 PM GMT
    I am not out to my parents yet..I know that would be our final conversation with each other. They are extreme conservatives and have stated their opinions on gays many times..it makes me sick and tremble icon_cry.gif I will get there, it's just that our relationship now means so much and I just don't want to break it off completely yet. I know at some point soon I will just do it because I can't develop or grow personally if I am a different person around them.

    Then, I would definitley pursue dating.
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    Mar 16, 2009 5:44 PM GMT
    Sometimes it can be better for a relationship. My ex was out to his parents, but they were very conservative pentocostals, that lived 300 miles away. When his mom found out we were living together, she pretty much told him "Me or Him" and that is why im single today lol. But it can hurt the relationship in my past experince, exspecialy if the parents are not ok with it.
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    Mar 16, 2009 5:55 PM GMT
    I'm in this exact situation so I can speak from experience, but I really believe it's a case by case basis. Joe and I have been together for nine years, I'm out to my parents and he's not. It's been grounds for some discussion occasionally but only if he feels things are rocky in their relationship and I'll ask him if he thinks it's because they haven't talked about his sexuality or if he's struggling with it at all. Yadda Yadda.
    His family is very religious so that's the main reason he hasn't had "the talk". It's not like they don't know though, they come to visit and we sleep in the same room and are affectionate towards each other when their around so it's not that big of a deal. They treat me like family and things are fine.
    The funny thing is out of all his family members his 80 year old grandfather loves me. If he's visiting his dad's family and I'm not with him his grandfather always ask "how's that boy of your's doing?". He's a riot. You would think because of his generation he would have more of a problem with it than his parents, but he seems to be the most supportive.
    I don't think it can work for some but it really depends on the person your dating and their relationship with their parents as to whether or not it would be a problem or not.
    Cheers!!! icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 16, 2009 6:20 PM GMT
    I dated a guy who was 40, when I was 51. His parents were in their late 60s. We often went to his parents' home for dinner, to whom he wasn't out, and I also went with them to other local social functions, even church services.

    Very decent & nice farming people, his mother likely knew her son was gay, and that I was his lover. But my BF told me his father was totally clueless. He said he couldn't bring himself to discuss the matter with his mother, much less his father, but he was certain she understood.

    My BF loved to have me join him for dinner at his parents' farmhouse, because I got along great with them. Yeah, I had to be a little careful about what I said or discussed, but it was no hardship, and I always enjoyed their warm hospitality (and not bad farm cooking). And my BF thanked me for getting his parents to talk around the table, since he claimed when it was just the 3 of them there, nobody spoke a word during the whole meal, making it an ordeal for him.

    One Christmas Eve I was invited to the parents' farmhouse, where 2 of their daughters and their own families had also driven from out of state. Their custom was to open presents before midnight, and I was astonished to find there were gifts for me, too, especially since my BF told me no "stranger" had ever been invited to this family tradition before. It was clear to everyone there, except perhaps my BF's father, that he & I were more than ordinary friends.

    To answer your question, it wasn't a big deal to me that my BF wasn't out to his parents. I'm a "go with the flow" kinda guy in most social situations, and unless I run into outright hostility, I'm relaxed & friendly with everyone. I also have no shame about who & what I am, and have total self-confidence. If they don't like or accept me for being gay, that's their problem, not mine; I won't lose any sleep over it.