When is cheating acceptable?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2009 8:40 PM GMT
    While I still have yet to be in a relationship with a guy (considered good or bad, depending on who you talk to) a friend of mine and I were discussing them. He was telling me recently that he would not breakup with his boyfriend just for cheating. He said that if he found out that the BF actually fell in love with another guy, that would be the reason to leave, not the wandering eyes...

    Is this common for non-open relationships? Where its understandable that a man may have "urges" and stray but it doesn't mean anything emotionally?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2009 8:50 PM GMT
    Men are such pigs. icon_lol.gif

    I don't think I'd break up with a guy for cheating either. I'd definitely sleep with one of his close friends and make sure he knew about it, but I doubt I'd dump a guy for 'wandering eyes' (though at that point, it's more than the eyes that have been wandering). I think it would lead to a lot of discussion, but at that point, I'd probably want to come to an agreement to open the relationship to sleep with other people. When the relationship gets to the point where someone has to cheat on the other, then obviously monogamy isn't working, and the situation needs to be re-evaluated.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2009 8:58 PM GMT
    In an open relationship it wouldn't be cheating. In a monogamous relationship it would raise major questions about trust and commitment. Whether that would end the relationship would depend on the history between the two partners. In a stable, loving relationship I doubt cheating would automatically lead to a breakup unless it was particularly flagrant or there had been repeated prior instances.
    Cheating is never acceptable but it's not necessarily grounds for instant divorce. Men are what they are.
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    Mar 18, 2009 9:11 PM GMT
    Wandering eyes. Well most men have them. It's natural if you see something nice to look at it. So long as it is just the eyes wandering. Heck in the past Ive had boyfriends where we both would comment abotu a guy having a hot whatever...

    Cheating: that is best for you and the boyfriend to discuss what is and isn't. Many people have some sort of open relationship. Where they play together, or play seperate. I pesonally don't want either and find them wrong. But to each thier own.

    Monogamous which is what I prefer the definition of cheating is doing anythign from a simple bj, hj or jackin in front of each other. It means no cyber sex , cams either. It means to me I am the only one who touch, plays and enjoys sexual contact. Some men see nothing wrong with a bj or cyber sex and think they are still remaining fithful.

    So best advise. Think about what you can handle in a relationship. With out causing you to be jealous or lose trust in your boyfriend. Lay the ground rules out very carefully.

    So what do you do if a boyfriend does cheat after laying out the rules? Well chances are he will do it again. It probably wasn't the first or the last time he will. Men don't change. So then decide if the love you ahve is worth living without trust in him. Also know if he thinks he got away with it, chances are he will go farther next time.

    so chose a partner/boyfriend wisely. make sure you have an understanding that you both can live with.



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    Mar 18, 2009 9:34 PM GMT
    No one can say but you and your BF/Partner, that must be defined by you guys NO ONE ELSE!
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Mar 18, 2009 10:05 PM GMT
    Uhhh, never?!? If it's an open relationship, then it's not cheating. If it's not an open relationship, you need to decide whether it's worth saving your relationship and working through the issues or ending things.

    As for wandering eyes, though, come on! "Look but no touch" should be okay. We're not robots! As long as that doesn't extend to looking and playing online (e.g. cam-to-cam chat with another guy), unless the couple has an understanding about that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2009 10:07 PM GMT
    a1972guy saidNo one can say but you and your BF/Partner, that must be defined by you guys NO ONE ELSE!


    That's what I'm saying!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2009 10:08 PM GMT
    a1972guy saidNo one can say but you and your BF/Partner, that must be defined by you guys NO ONE ELSE!


    Bingo!icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2009 10:17 PM GMT
    When you're sitting behind a smart looking asian guy that's holding his answer paper up in the air 2 feet in front of you and you would have to purposely look away to see what he answered for number 7
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Mar 18, 2009 10:26 PM GMT
    Never. That's the whole point. If you've discussed it being a monogamous relationship, then neither of you get to sleep with someone else. If you haven't, then it isn't cheating. But sleeping with another guy is far beyond wandering eyes.

    Falling in love with someone else is a good reason to end a relationship. It's not a good reason to cheat on someone. If a boyfriend of mine fell in love with someone else, I'd be hurt. But if he told me about it and broke things off without sleeping with the guy, I'd at least respect him for that decency. If he slept with the other guy and then used falling in love with him as justification when he got caught...that's another matter entirely.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2009 11:09 PM GMT
    Your original question stated that this is a monogamous/"non-open" relationship. Even still, you and your bf/signigicant other/partner have to lay boundries as to what "monogamous" means.

    I know of several sexual monogamous relationships where it's ok for one party to kiss someone else, but no sex can be involved. On the flip side, I've also see several initimate monogamous relationships where it's ok for one party to sleep with whomever, just not kiss them. So it truly is up to the two individuals involved.
  • UncleverName

    Posts: 741

    Mar 18, 2009 11:17 PM GMT
    AMT87 saidWhen you're sitting behind a smart looking asian guy that's holding his answer paper up in the air 2 feet in front of you and you would have to purposely look away to see what he answered for number 7


    But what about if it's number 8 you're having problems with, but it's a short essay answer, so number 8 is towards the bottom of the page and you'd have to move your eyes just a little bit to see it?

    And to really complicate things, what if he's white, and looks like a tool?

    icon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2009 11:47 PM GMT
    Cheating in my opinion is done behind your partners back it is not something discussed previously. You deserve some one who can appreciate and love YOU- not other men.

    If a guy can't be faithful to you, of course with a few exceptions such as porn and etc, then he clearly isn't worth it. My ex cheated on me, and then cheated on the new bf with ME. Once a cheater always a cheater. Don't put yourself through it, if you are unsure ask your partner if he'd be fine with it. If it's something he feels he needs to do then say good bye... save yourself the tears it's not worth it.

    Unfortunately, some guys are sluts and just can't be committed to their partner.

    So stay single! sleep with him if you want-enjoy the fuck, but that's all he wants you foricon_exclaim.gif


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2009 4:11 PM GMT
    If my guy cheats the relationship is over. It’s a safety issue as well at a trust issue. In a monogamous relationship you minimize the risk or STD. If one of the two is fooling around on the side you don’t know what he is bringing home.

    Of coarse different people have different ideas of what cheating is. My definition is physical sexual contact. So while I wouldn’t be pleased to discover my BF having cyber sex I wouldn’t make a huge deal about it. But if he drunkenly kissed a guy, I would. My BF and I both point out guys we think are hot to each other. He knows I have a thing for daddies and guys with “punk” hair. Blue Mohawks :WOOF:
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2009 4:19 PM GMT
    a1972guy saidNo one can say but you and your BF/Partner, that must be defined by you guys NO ONE ELSE!


    That is correct. You have to talk to each and every one of the people you will have a relationship with to figure out the unique dynamics of your relationship. If you do not have that conversation, the default setting is monogamy.

    But if you want monogamy, do not rely on the default. People cheat, in part, because monogamy is assumed and they are not satisfied, or have some other reason to cheat. If you want to be cheated on, do not have this conversation. If you want to be cheated on, be absolute and uncompromising.
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    Mar 19, 2009 4:27 PM GMT
    If you are calling it cheating then it is not acceptable. If you have decided to mutually agree to open up the relationship then that is no longer cheating, but an open relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2009 4:38 PM GMT
    its never ok. you either want to be with someone, and care enough about them to be exclusive, or you don't. if not, well some ppl may take your bs but i won't. and by 'you' i mean some hypothetical person, of course lol. in a real relationship, one's ability to be attracted to others isn't cut off suddenly like a lightswitch- ppl still look, and that can't be helped. they're just not supposed to touch. if they feel that have to, then they should excuse themselves from whatever relationship they're in first.
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    Mar 19, 2009 4:44 PM GMT
    Fresh out the gate. I let it be known. Two things will lead to an automatic split. Cheating and hitting.

    Like the other posters said that is a discussion that boy friends and partners should have at the begining.

    When I found out that my ex cheated it was never the same. When he tried to touch me I would just recoil like a snake or his hands were suddenly poison.

    Some men and women are just cheaters and some of us are not. I have never been tempted.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2009 5:08 PM GMT
    When is cheating acceptable?

    Never.

    If you agreed to a monogamous relationship, then fooling around is cheating and unacceptable. Cheating = betrayal, and a going back on your word, pure & simple. But if you've agreed to an open relationship, then by definition you're not cheating. What kind of relationship do you have?

    If you wanna fool around, then don't commit to a monogamous relationship, and then what you do isn't cheating. But once you commit, you are, in my view, pledged to what you promised, and cheating is no longer an option.

    Are we human and do we stray, and make mistakes? Yes, and then the couple must decide between themselves what to do next, how to handle this betrayal. Forgivable behavior, perhaps, but never "acceptable."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2009 5:14 PM GMT
    Cheating is never acceptable. Staying with him is your choice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2009 2:19 PM GMT
    Amen
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2009 2:44 PM GMT
    Back in the day, this topic was fodder for the hottest flame wars on RJ. Our community is split into two vocal groups. On one side are the Romantics, who insist on strict monogamy. On the other side are the Realists, who don't.
    This thread is pretty level headed. I agree with the guys who say honesty is most important. Partners should agree upon what kind of relationship they want and then stick to the agreement.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 20, 2009 2:47 PM GMT
    if cheating was acceptable, you wouldn't refer to it as cheating
  • havingfunmtl9...

    Posts: 258

    Mar 20, 2009 3:02 PM GMT
    Personally I dont think that wondering eyes is cheating, I think wondering hands or other parts is cheating. Everyone is going to look, it just matters that one stays loyal to his partner. I am honestly not sure if I could keep a guy I knew had cheated on me, I think the trust that is so essential for me would be somewhat crushed. In general I think that once someone has cheated, one becomes biased towards thinking that person is untrue, and will only lead to an unhealthy relationship.
    - My two cents worth!
  • Sk8Tex

    Posts: 738

    Mar 20, 2009 3:07 PM GMT
    Look but dont touch, cheating in a monogamous relationship is NEVER acceptable. You might as well sit your partner down and tell them that they are inadequate and you went somewhere else behind their back to satisfy a lust that they werent able to satisfy. If you cant be with just the one person your with, then its not meant to be, move on and avoid hurting them.