Guys with Communication Issues

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2009 8:50 PM GMT
    I'm a writer so sometimes I type long emails. Nothing obsessive, just organized thoughts on paper. Most guys I've dated like this, shows I'm taking a little time out to personalize a message to them when we can't talk on the phone due to work or school conflicts. In the writing I'm usually able to say some things that are harder to say in person...

    But I've dealt with some guys that not only don't write, they don't talk either...not about problems or emotions or if they're interested or if they aren't or if they are happy or bored or whatever..And its like pulling teeth just to get anything out of them at all...

    What is it with these guys with communication issues, how do you deal with them?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2009 5:49 PM GMT
    Indy404 saidI'm a writer so sometimes I type long emails. Nothing obsessive, just organized thoughts on paper. Most guys I've dated like this, shows I'm taking a little time out to personalize a message to them when we can't talk on the phone due to work or school conflicts. In the writing I'm usually able to say some things that are harder to say in person...

    But I've dealt with some guys that not only don't write, they don't talk either...not about problems or emotions or if they're interested or if they aren't or if they are happy or bored or whatever..And its like pulling teeth just to get anything out of them at all...

    What is it with these guys with communication issues, how do you deal with them?



    This may not be what you were hoping to hear, but... Don't deal with them.
    Not as lovers.

    If you really love someone, and he really loves you, can you work on communication issues and over time come to a functional place in your relationship? Perhaps, and for some people this can be done and is worth the work.

    But you've identified yourself as a writer. The fact that your primary occupation is all about communication indicates that getting involved with non-communicative guys will most likely not be very pleasant or healthy for you in a long-term commitment.

    The reason most people end up in messed up relationships (especially those who tend to unconsciously be attracted/intrigued by their opposite) is because when you're dating someone, you're both on good behavior and there aren't many stresses other than getting reservations to a good restaurant. Once you're in a serious relationship and some stressful event happens, Mr. Strong Silent Type suddenly seals up like a clam and blocks all your attempts to figure out what's wrong and find a solution. Now you're fighting a battle on TWO fronts - the original problem, and him. If it's not resolved quickly, you'll end up exhausted and he'll end up resenting you for making him drag himself through what he sees as the "mud" of his emotions.

    It's like a sports team that looks really great for most of the season and is blowing through opponents in their division, then in the playoffs they get shut down and bounced in the first round -- this is nearly always a sign of enormous pre-existing deficiencies in team cohesion that were concealed by the sum of each player's individual talent and the relative weakness of their division not challenging them in such a way that those deficiences were ever even visible. (Helloooooo Dallas Mavericks)

    Again, this isn't general advice to everyone - some people can work it out over time - but just from your short message it sounds as if this has happened more than once and is causing you a lot of frustration. That being the case, you may have identified something that is a dealbreaker for you. Ask yourself this question: when something bad happens in your personal life, what's your way of dealing with it? Do you confide in friends/family for perspective? Write it out in a journal to organize your thoughts? Try to find books/articles/websites with information on the issue? Confront the situation head-on? Then, ask yourself the next question: when something bad happens in his life, what's his way of dealing with it? Does he keep it a secret? Seek the company of friends/flings who make no emotional demands? Just avoid the situation entirely?

    Furthermore, you might need to spend some time reflecting (with a perceptive friend as a sounding board, or in your own writings if you're good with literary explication) on your unconscious definitions of masculinity, confidence, and strength. It took me an extremely debilitating three and a half years in a relationship before I began to realize that even though it was driving me crazy, my initial attraction had in fact been largely based on his silence and outer appearance of calm. It took another three years before I was able to fully internalize the lesson: strength and silence sometimes occur together, but silence DOES NOT itself imply strength and confidence. Quite the contrary, silence often results from a great weakness -- the inability to handle one's emotions, the absence of honest self-reflection, the lack of critical thinking skills needed to figure out complex problems, fear of losing control, insecurity as to the potential judgement of others, and so on.

    Tape a note to your bathroom mirror where you'll see it -- "REAL MEN ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO TALK OPENLY AND HONESTLY".


    It's a great song, but would you want to live with it every day?
    A winters day
    In a deep and dark december;
    I am alone,
    Gazing from my window to the streets below
    On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
    I am a rock,
    I am an island.
    Ive built walls,
    A fortress deep and mighty,
    That none may penetrate.
    I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
    Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
    I am a rock,
    I am an island.

    Dont talk of love,
    But Ive heard the words before;
    Its sleeping in my memory.
    I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
    If I never loved I never would have cried.
    I am a rock,
    I am an island.

    I have my books
    And my poetry to protect me;
    I am shielded in my armor,
    Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
    I touch no one and no one touches me.
    I am a rock,
    I am an island.

    And a rock feels no pain;
    And an island never cries.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2009 5:53 PM GMT
    Indy404 saidI'm a writer so sometimes I type long emails. Nothing obsessive, just organized thoughts on paper. Most guys I've dated like this, shows I'm taking a little time out to personalize a message to them when we can't talk on the phone due to work or school conflicts. In the writing I'm usually able to say some things that are harder to say in person...

    But I've dealt with some guys that not only don't write, they don't talk either...not about problems or emotions or if they're interested or if they aren't or if they are happy or bored or whatever..And its like pulling teeth just to get anything out of them at all...

    What is it with these guys with communication issues, how do you deal with them?



    Some folks like to let the light shine on a topic.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2009 5:57 PM GMT
    SportingChance said...And an island never cries.


    Holy f*ck that was a long post. All right, I'll say it, OP Indy. You've just met your man. I see a budding love.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2009 11:53 PM GMT
    Yeah that was a long post but thanks SportingChance...The main problem I've had with it in the past is during the silence my imagination would run and I would over-analyze whatever may be going on.

    There was one guy that was so silent I had to talk in analogies and metaphors to try to trick him into telling me anything...Anytime I came close to cracking him he would say, "Hmmm.......I need a drink...."

    Wow.
  • KissTheSky

    Posts: 1981

    Mar 20, 2009 12:39 AM GMT
    Dating a guy who won't talk about himself or his feelings or what the hell is going on in his head is like hanging out with a stranger. Your relationship never progresses. It makes you really sad inside... I've been there. icon_sad.gif
    There's a difference between these walled-off guys and the dudes who are just shy and take a while to come out of their shell...most ppl are like that to some extent. The problem is when it never happens.
    Find someone who makes you happy (at least a little bit) every day from the get-go.
    You can't change people, you just make yourself miserable trying.
    Good luck...
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Mar 20, 2009 12:39 AM GMT
    icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2009 1:57 AM GMT



    Well SportingChance,

    I sure would have benefited greatly from your post in 1976!


    -Doug
  • qalbi30

    Posts: 116

    Mar 20, 2009 4:25 AM GMT
    Sporting Chance,thanks for a wonderful post ! do hope that it will be read by all R.J.members as such sound advice is rare,and should not be lost .
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2009 1:54 PM GMT
    The "typical" male brain supposedly processes emotions differently then what is seen in the "typical" female brain.

    So when a guy is asked "what are you feeling", and he struggles to come up with an answer, it is not because he is being evasive, his brain really is struggling to come up with an answer. Evolution has designed males to be hunters, not to be caregivers. The brain has been wired accordingly.

    I fall into the typical male category when it comes to communication. My partner does much of the talking when we are at home together. I have to be very upset before I can express my emotions.

    And to be honest anytime someone has asked me "what are you feeling right now", my temptation is to answer "I am feeling how irritating it is to be asked that question, so fuck off". icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2009 9:54 PM GMT
    Indy404 saidYeah that was a long post but thanks SportingChance...The main problem I've had with it in the past is during the silence my imagination would run and I would over-analyze whatever may be going on.

    Stop that, its only self defeating and causes more problems

    Indy404 saidThere was one guy that was so silent I had to talk in analogies and metaphors to try to trick him into telling me anything...Anytime I came close to cracking him he would say, "Hmmm.......I need a drink...."

    Stop that too, its irritating..

    Maybe you just talk enough for the both of you... maybe.. just..
  • dionysus

    Posts: 420

    Mar 25, 2009 9:55 PM GMT
    i wish my scroll wheel worked on my mouse...stupid clicking.