Need some advice on this one...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2009 10:08 PM GMT
    Ok, this past weekend I went to a local gay club for the first time. I was hangin out by myself and the manager of the place approached me and noticed I was new. I am completely new to this scene and he introduced me to some other guys my age. He was very nice, helpful, protective, etc. I gave him my number at the end of the night.

    He has "text" me throughout the week about how things are going but today he asked if I wanted to work for him. He said the work is painting and cleaning at his house and the club. icon_confused.gif I'm not sure what to say; I do and don't trust this guy. I do not want to be naive about this....

    Any thoughts or comments are greatly appreciated icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2009 10:38 PM GMT
    You don't trust him?......think he's gonna jump you or not pay you?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2009 10:39 PM GMT
    You already know the answer. Trust your gut instinct.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2009 11:07 PM GMT
    Agreed. If he's making you feel uncomfortable, tell him.
  • OptimusMatt

    Posts: 1124

    Mar 18, 2009 11:12 PM GMT
    ...hrm. I guess I'm a little risque. I'd do it, see where it leads. Put on your big-boy pants and be smart about it.

    (1) Make sure someone close to you KNOWS where you're going to be.

    (2) If he makes sexual advances during the work that make you uncomfortable than...leave.

    *shrugs* I'd be nervous too, but...who knows? If you're 'new' to all of this than think of it as an adventure starring you, directed BY you.

    Don't let anyone take advantage of you...unless you want to be 'taken advantage of'. Is he cute? hehe icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2009 11:27 PM GMT
    He senses that you are "new and naive" and he thinks that he has a chance at getting some tight young ass (yours!) - run for the hills.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2009 11:31 PM GMT
    The term is "fresh meat."

    Welcome to gay clubs.
  • tallchris

    Posts: 121

    Mar 18, 2009 11:37 PM GMT
    Unless you are interested in him romantically or sexually, which I deduce you are not, give him a wide berth. His behaviour indicates a much stronger interest than just being kind to a young stranger, as I think you have sort of worked out for yourself.

    Having said that, you need friends (real ones, I mean, not cyber-friends) to talk to, about stuff like this maybe, and to hang with, so don't let this put you off getting friendly with gay men in bars or wherever when it feels right to you.
  • steak2000

    Posts: 19

    Mar 18, 2009 11:40 PM GMT
    first ...why does he think you need work?..did you discuss this with him?..are you a painter?
    second.. just cause he owns a gay bar doesn't mean hes scum ..or is going to attack you.I don't know where you live or the rep of the bar but can't you take care of yourself in a sticky situation
    third ..why after you thought he was a nice guy do you now not trust him?
    fourth...why did you give the guy your number if you don't trust him?

    answer those questions and you'll have your answer
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2009 11:54 PM GMT
    Trust your instict....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2009 11:54 PM GMT
    steak2000 saidfirst ...why does he think you need work?..did you discuss this with him?..are you a painter?
    second.. just cause he owns a gay bar doesn't mean hes scum ..or is going to attack you.I don't know where you live or the rep of the bar but can't you take care of yourself in a sticky situation
    third ..why after you thought he was a nice guy do you now not trust him?
    fourth...why did you give the guy your number if you don't trust him?

    answer those questions and you'll have your answer


    What he said.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Mar 19, 2009 12:54 AM GMT
    tallchris saidUnless you are interested in him romantically or sexually, which I deduce you are not, give him a wide berth. His behaviour indicates a much stronger interest than just being kind to a young stranger, as I think you have sort of worked out for yourself.

    Having said that, you need friends (real ones, I mean, not cyber-friends) to talk to, about stuff like this maybe, and to hang with, so don't let this put you off getting friendly with gay men in bars or wherever when it feels right to you.


    Add me to the choir, and definitely agree with the post above, among the others here.

    Sounds like he wants to jump your bones. But, doesn't mean he won't pay you for the work he's asking you to do. If the situation makes you uneasy, I'd just be nice and say, "Thanks, but not interested." If you like him but think he's being a bit aggressive, tell him so.

    But, Tallchris has a point above about making real friends. This guy was nice enough to introduce you to people your age. Sounds like he might be a nice guy. He might make a good friend. You can always be upfront and tell him you're getting a vibe from him that you're uncomfortable with. That you're only looking for friendship from him, nothing more nothing less. If he's cool, he'll respect that and you two can move forward. If he thinks with his dick, then he'll be a douche and you can stay away from him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2009 1:00 AM GMT
    I have worked for half a dozen bar/club owners, usually behind the bar. Professionally, I have had to work with other bar/club owners. They are not all horrible people trying to jump your bones or take advantage of you, though some would.

    I would be cautious, but your gut instinct sounds like it is clouded by your newness to the scene. Being fresh meat can be a scary thing. I know that when I go to a new place I get butterflies in my stomach if I don't drown them with a drink.

    If you need work, paint his club. If he treats you decently then offer to paint his house. Go to the bar early before the crowd gets there and discuss the work he wants done, when he wants it done, and the compensation. If something doesn't add up, thank him graciously and decline politely.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2009 1:25 AM GMT
    steak2000 saidthird ..why after you thought he was a nice guy do you now not trust him?
    fourth...why did you give the guy your number if you don't trust him?


    Those questions occurred to me immediately. The OP is young,after all, but it sounds to me as if he was giving the other guy lots of encouragement, and lots of signals that he'd be interested in something more than a casual "hello, how are you?" kind of relationship.

    I never understand why someone who is gay, in a gay club, gets surprised by attention in him as a gay man, by another gay man.

    :-)

    John
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2009 1:52 AM GMT
    Hey Jake,

    I was in your predicament many times when I was 19-24 and made some lifelong friends that helped me a LOT in life and expected nothing but friendship (maybe wanted more but never went there) and there have been some real pigs too. Enduring the pigs was well worth the friendships tho.

    I think BioMatty said it best "...an adventure starring you, directed BY you". and TallChris nailed it on the head when he said that you need friends. gay friends for gay clubs are best.

    Here are a few common sense guidelines:

    1. Make sure someone always knows where you are and make it obvious to him that's the case. i.e. a phone call "Hey bro, Yeah, I'm painting the ceiling of The White Swallow Bar & Grill, the owner is a friend of mine..."
    2. Do Not lead him on if you are not interested in sex
    3. Stay in control of the situation. anytime you feel you are not in control then it's time to leave.

    Good luck, relax, be safe and have fun.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2009 2:21 AM GMT
    Thank you guys...I really appreciate everyones comments and advice. icon_smile.gif

    One thing I didn't mention is that this man is quite a bit older than me, probably in his late thirties or early forties. I am NOT interested in him sexually. I talked to him for a while today and we talked about some of the people I had met Saturday night. He cautioned me about some guys, etc. I am confident he justs wants to help me and guide me in the right direction as I am so new.

    And..about the painting and cleaning. He didn't realize (I never told him) that I already work full-time and just started another part-time job. He though I was a full-time student. I will help him out when possible and always be cautious.
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    Mar 19, 2009 2:25 AM GMT
    Agreed: trust your gut. Your intuition is ahead of timeline curve. I recently read a study which examined whether or not one should "trust a hunch".
    In short, when you have experience with certain situations, trust your gut. If you are uninformed, follow instructions.
    So: should I get into this car with someone I've never met? Follow your gut.
    Should I listen to instructions on landing this jet and I've no pilot's license? Follow instructions.
  • Nautical

    Posts: 204

    Mar 19, 2009 3:12 AM GMT
    everyone has a survival instinct, whats yours saying?