Asexuality - Why don't we take it seriously?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2009 5:41 PM GMT
    I have a good friend who, at 26, is still a virgin. He's an attractive bloke, but claims he has no interest in either sex.

    Most of my other friends think he's gay and/or repressed, but I think they're wrong, he's asexual.

    I think it's time to take asexuality seriously. It must be an absolute nightmare when no one believes you.

    If you've got the time/inclination, read this article about an asexual married couple and their life, it's really very interesting.

    cox10b.jpg

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2008/sep/08/relationships.healthandwellbeing

    This one's in a similar vein

    http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-wellbeing/features/no-sex-please-an-asexual-life-1646347.html
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    Mar 19, 2009 6:16 PM GMT
    Sorry, I'm doubtful about this. That's because asexuality was one of the rationalizations I myself used, to explain why at age 26 I was also a virgin, and had never dated a man or a woman, not once ever.

    The truth was that I was in very deep conflict, unable to be attracted to women, and refusing to let myself be attracted to men. Hence the simple solution to resolve this problem: I must not be sexually attracted to anyone! TA-DAH!

    What stupidity! I even imagined it was my intellect that prevented my "base animal passions" from expressing themselves. That was not only stupid, but arrogant.

    Perhaps such a thing really exists, but having lived it myself, I'm extremely dubious. Either your friend needs to have his hormone levels checked, or have a psychological evaluation done.
  • Timbales

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    Mar 19, 2009 6:19 PM GMT
    It must be great to not have to put up with someone's crap simply because you want to fuck them.
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    Mar 19, 2009 6:22 PM GMT
    aside from all the gifts from your registry, why not for-go it all and get a dog? icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 19, 2009 6:23 PM GMT
    RedVespaSorry, I'm doubtful about this. That's because asexuality was one of the rationalizations I myself used, to explain why at age 26 I was also a virgin, and had never dated a man or a woman, not once ever.


    I think this is why we don't take it seriously. A lot of gay people go through a 'bisexual' or a 'asexual' stage when in fact they're just struggling with being gay.

    I for one am sure that it exists though. I even think that it might be pretty common.

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    Mar 19, 2009 7:45 PM GMT
    I think a low sex drive is possible, but no sex drive for anyone? I think further digging would need to be done. More likely to have a psychological root cause then a physiological one.
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    Mar 19, 2009 8:01 PM GMT
    SurrealLife saidI think a low sex drive is possible, but no sex drive for anyone? I think further digging would need to be done. More likely to have a psychological root cause then a physiological one.


    I think there are people out there who are asexual. Certainly, we have all known people with low sex drives. However, we are built with a biological desire to have sex. Lots of sex. Asexuality is probably part of humanities sexual spectrum, but I am willing to bet in a lot of cases there is an underlying psychological or physiological reason.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2009 8:02 PM GMT
    SurreallifeI think a low sex drive is possible, but no sex drive for anyone? I think further digging would need to be done. More likely to have a psychological root cause then a physiological one.


    There should probably be a rule; never knowingly contradict a psychologist.icon_biggrin.gif

    But..I personally am pretty sure that asexuality does exist. There's a difference between being 'sexually functional', and being attracted to other people.

    Socially, it's totally unacceptable to say that you feel no attraction to other people, so I think asexuals just blend into the wallpaper.
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    Mar 19, 2009 11:28 PM GMT
    I have gone through periods in my life where I have been close to asexual. Throughout most of my teen years for instance. That had an underlying psychological issue. After I tested for HIV my sex drive plummeted to virtually nil (common in HIV+ men). But I would be conscious that I liked men, I just never thought about having sex.
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    Mar 19, 2009 11:32 PM GMT
    Asexuality is as plausible as homosexuality, heterosexuality and bisexuality. People like to think of sexuality as laid out on a curve. It's probably really more circular where in poles, homosexuality and heterosexuality are at opposite ends and asexuality and bisexuality are at opposite ends. Kind of like a compass. Which is the scientific basis of gaydar.
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    Mar 19, 2009 11:36 PM GMT
    Asexuality? Doesn't exist cause there is no "A" in "GLBT."
  • Anto

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    Mar 20, 2009 1:01 AM GMT
    Take it seriously it in what way?
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    Mar 20, 2009 1:54 AM GMT
    Anto saidTake it seriously it in what way?


    I don't think it should be taboo.
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    Mar 20, 2009 2:03 AM GMT
    Lost_And_Found saidI have a good friend who, at 26, is still a virgin. He's an attractive bloke, but claims he has no interest in either sex.

    Most of my friends think he's gay and/or repressed, but they're wrong, he's asexual.

    I think it's time to take asexuality seriously. It must be an absolute nightmare when no one believes you.

    If you've got the time/inclination, read this article about an asexual married couple and their life, it's really very interesting.

    cox10b.jpg

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2008/sep/08/relationships.healthandwellbeing

    This one's in a similar vein

    http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-wellbeing/features/no-sex-please-an-asexual-life-1646347.html


    Asexuality is real but it has nothing to do with gender preference, just sexual drive.

    Now, on the other hand, there is something that it is related to gender preference called 'pansexuality' in which a person is attracted to another regardless of that other person's gender. In fact, with 'pansexuals', gender has little to no influence on why the pansexual would seek out a committed, emotional bond with whoever they choose as their partner.
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    Mar 20, 2009 2:30 AM GMT
    I hope this helps..erhmmm

    It is difficult to showcase a lack of something, so it is understandable that this orientation is often ignored. However, this also leads to the assumption that everyone is interested in sex, and those who do not experience sexual desire are 'weird' or 'in denial'. This can lead to some very awkward feelings for the asexual audience (small as it may be) when sex is shown to be something everyone does and wants.

    Often, lack of sexuality is associated with mental illness or past sexual abuse. It needs hardly be stated this is rarely the case, as is the misconception that psychopaths are asexuals.

    It should be noted, however, that asexuals are not necessarily incapable of sex or falling in love. Asexuality is often the lack of sexual attraction rather than sex drive or emotional attraction. As such, asexuals who are more indifferent to sex rather than actively adverse to it may be quite capable of sex and masturbation (though the latter is more of a mode of release —er, so to speak— rather than being directed towards an object of attraction or desire) if they need to.

    Asexuals in a romantic relationship with sexual individuals, for example, may have no problem having intercourse with his or her partner for the sake of said relationship even if the act itself may not have the same significance or appeal as it would to sexual individuals. Unlike the aforementioned fully sexual individuals, asexuals do not actively desire said sexual actions and will not miss said acts at all if denied to them.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2009 2:40 AM GMT
    I agree with Red Vespa - Psychological or Biological - low testosterone can cause low sex drive. A person who identified at asexual needs to see a psychologist or doctor for check-up.

    Not saying their condition will just 'poof' vanish. But at least they can identify a way to being more sexual if they want.

  • Anto

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    Mar 20, 2009 6:51 PM GMT
    Lost_And_Found said
    Anto saidTake it seriously it in what way?


    I don't think it should be taboo.


    I've never heard of someone not having sex because they have no desire for sex as being taboo. I have heard and experienced such treatment for a person being gay or straight and not having sex but for a person who has no desire for sex and being in a relationship or not, I've never heard negative comments or acts about it.

    From my experience people who have a desire for sex but don't act on it or who don't pursue a sexual relationship - now that is treated as something that is wrong or unusual.

    Oh ok, I see that you are in the U.K., maybe it is a cultural difference. Is this treated as a taboo there?
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    Mar 20, 2009 7:24 PM GMT
    cjcscuba1984 saidAsexuality? Doesn't exist cause there is no "A" in "GLBT."


    Dude! A vowel would make that acronym so much easier to use! Instead of gee ell bee tee, which is 4 syllables, we could all just say glabt or blagt or talbg! Sure, we'd sound like we're speaking Klingon, but at least it becomes pronounceable! Brilliant! icon_wink.gif
  • UncleverName

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    Mar 20, 2009 8:07 PM GMT
    I suspect that asexuality is quite often as a result of underlying psychological issues, but I can think of many reasons why people would (legitimately IMO) consider themselves that way.

    People that only like to masturbate to their fantasies is one way to look at it.
    Say for instance someone fantasizes constantly (and pretty much only) about becoming a horse. It's not gonna happen in this life time, so they're pretty much SOL. Doesn't mean that they don't like to masturbate, doesn't mean they have a low sex drive. It probably technically doesn't make them asexual, but for all intents and purposes, they would be asexual. They could still have a functional relationship with someone else, but sex with that other person wouldn't do it for them.
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    Mar 21, 2009 12:29 AM GMT
    Anto said
    Lost_And_Found said
    Anto saidTake it seriously it in what way?


    I don't think it should be taboo.


    I've never heard of someone not having sex because they have no desire for sex as being taboo. I have heard and experienced such treatment for a person being gay or straight and not having sex but for a person who has no desire for sex and being in a relationship or not, I've never heard negative comments or acts about it.

    From my experience people who have a desire for sex but don't act on it or who don't pursue a sexual relationship - now that is treated as something that is wrong or unusual.

    Oh ok, I see that you are in the U.K., maybe it is a cultural difference. Is this treated as a taboo there?


    Asexuality is taboo here, but I'm pretty sure it's not different on your side of the Atlantic.

    It's not taboo in that people find it offensive, just that they don't believe you/think it is weird.

    Like I say, my friends says he is asexual (not that we talk about it much or anything) and I believe him, but most people don't. Actually, most people just joke that he's gay.
  • DanielQQ

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    Mar 21, 2009 12:39 AM GMT
    I think everyone can agree that sexual drive is on a continuum, yea? Some people get hornier than others? So I don't know why it's so hard to believe that some people have REALLY high sex drives and-similarly--other people have REALLY low sex drives
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    Mar 21, 2009 12:41 AM GMT
    DanielQQ saidI think everyone can agree that sexual drive is on a continuum, yea? Some people get hornier than others? So I don't know why it's so hard to believe that some people have REALLY high sex drives and-similarly--other people have REALLY low sex drives


    I think asexuality isn't about 'drive' it's about not being sexually attracted to other people.

    Imagine a planet populated entirely by women....icon_eek.gif
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    Mar 21, 2009 12:43 AM GMT
    its really odd... but i like it.
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    Mar 21, 2009 12:43 AM GMT
    cjcscuba1984 saidAsexuality? Doesn't exist cause there is no "A" in "GLBT."
    Some people prefer the term queer to GLBT, which encompasses a broader spectrum than just gay, lesbian, bi, or trans. It could also include asexual and intersexed and more I'm not sure of including.

    And fyi, when you see GLBTA together, A stands for straight allies.
  • DanielQQ

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    Mar 21, 2009 12:47 AM GMT
    Lost_And_Found said
    DanielQQ saidI think everyone can agree that sexual drive is on a continuum, yea? Some people get hornier than others? So I don't know why it's so hard to believe that some people have REALLY high sex drives and-similarly--other people have REALLY low sex drives


    I think asexuality isn't about 'drive' it's about not being sexually attracted to other people.

    Imagine a planet populated entirely by women....


    I have a huge sex drive. If the planet were populated by women and only women, I'd fuck them in a second even though I'm gay. According to wikipedia, asexuality is the lack of sexual interest or sexual desire or sexual attraction. I think those are all subtlety different, and makes us both right. :>