How Do You Explain Chemistry? Or lack of it?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2009 3:49 PM GMT
    I'm sure most of you have experienced a situation when a guy is really into you and very sexually attracted to you......for sex or a relationship, or whatever.

    But the problem is, you don't share the feeling.

    There's nothing "wrong" with him. All the equipment is in the right place..his voice may be sexy..he's a decent good man and he has a great job.

    And when the guy wants to know why you aren't into him, you tell him there is no chemistry. But he wants specifics. What do you say? I've been in this situation many times.

    On the flip side, I recently stopped dating this guy because he said he had no chemistry for me. OUCH! (OK, it turned out that we were both "tops", but I tried to explain that "we can work on that" and that there were emotional and sexual feelins there anyway that we could continue to explore). The problem is, now he says that when he talks to me, he gets and instant hard on, and calls me one of New Yorks sexiest men. And yet, we broke up cause he said there was no chemistry. What gives?

    Do you think there's a hidden reason ( and should I press him or let it go?). Or maybe he just too intimidated, or even "punitive" since he may feel he doesn't measure up? He told me that it was very important that we remain friends. I don't know if I can, cause I don't know if he is being honest with me.

    I hate men.

  • nerdalert

    Posts: 54

    Mar 20, 2009 6:02 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]KissingPro said[/cite
    he says that when he talks to me, he gets and instant hard on, and calls me one of New Yorks sexiest men.

    Do you think there's a hidden reason ( and should I press him or let it go?). Or maybe he just too intimidated, or even "punitive" since he may feel he doesn't measure up?


    [/quote]

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  • DanielQQ

    Posts: 365

    Mar 20, 2009 6:51 PM GMT
    You don't explain it. When you mix two things together it either fizzles or it doesn't. "Chemistry" refers to the release of brain neurotransmitters (namely dopamine) in response to interpersonal stimuli. I guess you could say "My brain isn't producing a sufficient amount of dopamine when I'm with you". icon_smile.gif But then you'd be a total nerd.

    If your friend is totally hot for you, there's chemistry, no doubt. Perhaps what he finds lacking is compatibility, which is a totally different thing.

    When someone asks me for specifics, I just tell them the truth: "I just don't feel attracted to you." I think that's what it comes down to. If they want to know why, I usually either tell them that I don't think it's important to dissect it, or I'll tell them what I can (e.g. "i prefer dating guys who are more aggressive" or something like that)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2009 6:53 PM GMT
    nerdalert said[quote][cite]KissingPro said[/cite
    he says that when he talks to me, he gets and instant hard on, and calls me one of New Yorks sexiest men.

    Do you think there's a hidden reason ( and should I press him or let it go?). Or maybe he just too intimidated, or even "punitive" since he may feel he doesn't measure up?




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    LOL, now that was two great LOLKitties icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2009 6:56 PM GMT
    I know exactly what you are referring to.
    The guys I am attracted to are not attracted me and vice versa.
    I believe there are people, such as myself, that have certain aspects of their lives that are totally out of synch.
    Professionally and financially I am totally in synch. Spiritually I am totally in synch. Emotionally and psychologically I am in synch. Relationship wise, way out of synch and it has always been that way. All the adjustments I have been advised to make I have made with no results.
    It could be worse. I could be out of synch in every aspect of my life and be a miserable wretch.
    I am grateful that I am in synch in most areas of my life.
  • ROYCE13

    Posts: 315

    Mar 20, 2009 7:35 PM GMT
    because he does not want to date you, you think he might feel intimidated and /or not measuring up, barf is right, compatibility and chemistry are different, you can only get a hard on from someone, but have no desire for a relationship- nothing wrong with that. Maybe he understands that.
    It is about being on the same page with someone at the same time - that is when a relationship with more depth begins, you are nice looking, but if anyone told me i was the hottest in NYC, I would not believe them. Far too many hot men there for anyone to hold that titile
  • ROYCE13

    Posts: 315

    Mar 20, 2009 7:37 PM GMT
    texsportnut you sound in synch to me, so do not give up or compromise now
    on what you want
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2009 7:38 PM GMT
    Synchronicity is paramount. Maybe some guys just aren't ready to experience love they way you are. They still may have some work to do loving themselves. And guys who don't truly love themselves make horrible boyfriends.

    Find that one hot guy with the peaceful confidence. He's the one that is probably ready.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2009 8:01 PM GMT
    KissingPro saidI'm sure most of you have experienced a situation when a guy is really into you and very sexually attracted to you......for sex or a relationship, or whatever.

    But the problem is, you don't share the feeling.

    There's nothing "wrong" with him. All the equipment is in the right place..his voice may be sexy..he's a decent good man and he has a great job.

    And when the guy wants to know why you aren't into him, you tell him there is no chemistry. But he wants specifics. What do you say? I've been in this situation many times.

    On the flip side, I recently stopped dating this guy because he said he had no chemistry for me. OUCH! (OK, it turned out that we were both "tops", but I tried to explain that "we can work on that" and that there were emotional and sexual feelins there anyway that we could continue to explore). The problem is, now he says that when he talks to me, he gets and instant hard on, and calls me one of New Yorks sexiest men. And yet, we broke up cause he said there was no chemistry. What gives?

    Do you think there's a hidden reason ( and should I press him or let it go?). Or maybe he just too intimidated, or even "punitive" since he may feel he doesn't measure up? He told me that it was very important that we remain friends. I don't know if I can, cause I don't know if he is being honest with me.

    I hate men.



    Chemistry or lack thereof cannot be explained. That's why it's called chemistry.

    Well I would say he's being a bit bombastic... Did he say where you fall in being one of NY's sexiest men. Top 10, 50, 100.. where exactly?
  • dionysus

    Posts: 420

    Mar 20, 2009 8:08 PM GMT
    chemistry is LIFE!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2009 8:28 PM GMT
    Chemistry can't be explained. It just is.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2009 9:57 PM GMT
    When someone asks me for specifics, I just tell them the truth: "I just don't feel attracted to you." I think that's what it comes down to. If they want to know why, I usually either tell them that I don't think it's important to dissect it, or I'll tell them what I can (e.g. "i prefer dating guys who are more aggressive" or something like that)[/quote]

    Thanks guys.......Yeah, the difference between compatability and chemistry. So I guess you can have sexual chemistry, snd no compatability

    It gets confusing, but i think lots of guys then have deep sexual feelings for each other, but they are not compatable for that intimate relationship to go further emotionally.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2009 10:16 PM GMT
    Maybe your humongous ego put him off.
  • nerdalert

    Posts: 54

    Mar 20, 2009 11:08 PM GMT
    redheadguy saidMaybe your humongous ego put him off.


    No, that can't possibly be it. I think he just felt threatened by the possibility of dating the hottest guy in NY icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2009 5:19 PM GMT
    Everyone has big ego..... I like people with big egos, as long as its genuine, respectful not narcisistic.

    A big yawn to the "humble" types who spend countless hours at the gym, dressing well, getting a good haircut and who need to say " I don't have an ego".

    Boring. Boring. Boring. And untruthful.

    Plus I'm way over being concerned about people put off by other people's confidence and drive and not knowing the difference between healthy attitudes and "dime a dozen" false humility types.

    In fact, a confident guy with a big ego can easily be very humble. It comes with the territory. It's all about good masculine energy, not jealousy, insecurity and those who can't shine.

    Please. Enough with guys who live sprouting 15 second feel good slogans.

    I tip my hat to those who are not following the rest of the sheep.
  • nerdalert

    Posts: 54

    Mar 21, 2009 6:14 PM GMT
    KissingPro said
    A big yawn to the "humble" types who spend countless hours at the gym, dressing well, getting a good haircut and who need to say " I don't have an ego".

    l.


    I spent some time yesterday reading some of your posts and they are all laced with the reoccurring themes of being too much fun , too sexy, too masculine, too popular, etc. A man hitting on you after buying you a drink becomes front page news because you don't know how to handle the situation. If that's not drama, what is?

    Very few men, especially approaching 50, would have the immaturity to post about all of the people hating on them because of their sexiness and masculinity icon_rolleyes.gif, especially in a city as populated with hotties as NYC. Your inability to process the situation for what IT IS NOW and not what you want it to be is bigger than your inability to set aside your own ego when appropriate.

    My sense is that you understand EXACTLY why that man does not want to see you anymore, especially as you have been on the other end. What you have chosen to do, instead of take the high road, is to post once more about how sexy and threatening your beauty is. You can't possibly be serious.

    Is there no part of you that realizes the difference between KNOWING you are beautiful and the insecure desperation associated with the need CONVINCE people you are? There is nothing confident about posted melodramas but you seem convinced that we are unable to see through the act.

    I'm not sure why you post as though you are above a majority of gay men, especially when you exhibit the exact same characteristics of any of the rest of us battling moments of insecurity. It's not false modesty to know that most people could care less how hot you think you are, it's common courtesy to spare them the details. For a majority of us, there are bigger and more important things to worry about besides people hating us for our beauty (a problem I have never had, lol)

    Maybe I just have you misread, but it seems as though you have an awful lot to prove to a bunch of strangers.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2009 6:22 PM GMT
    Oh, boy. I sense a coming exchange of nuclear weapons on this thread...
    icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2009 6:23 PM GMT
    I love to press people's buttons on this subject. Its entertaining to see the pop psychological theories and reactions, especially when its done online.

    Nah.no exchange of nuclear weaopns.

    lol
  • nerdalert

    Posts: 54

    Mar 21, 2009 6:23 PM GMT
    fastprof saidOh, boy. I sense a coming exchange of nuclear weapons on this thread...
    icon_smile.gif



    Nope, I am done. Seriously. I am sure I already said too much.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2009 6:26 PM GMT
    KissingPro said

    Nah.no exchange of nuclear weaopns.

    lol


    Darn!!
    icon_twisted.gif
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Mar 21, 2009 6:35 PM GMT
    nerdalert,

    you hit it on the head... thanks for taking the time to lay that all out, as i certainly do not have the patience to do so this morning.

    what he doesn't (or maybe he does) realize is that he is the type of person that the vast majority of us want to stay as far away as possible because his personality is toxic. then there is that small minority who is willing to hold him up on some pedestal. these are the people he surrounds himself with
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2009 6:40 PM GMT
    Hunter9 saidnerdalert,

    you hit it on the head... thanks for taking the time to lay that all out, as i certainly do not have the patience to do so this morning.

    what he doesn't (or maybe he does) realize is that he is the type of person that the vast majority of us want to stay as far away as possible because his personality is toxic. then there is that small minority who is willing to hold him up on some pedestal. these are the people he surrounds himself with


    love it
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2009 6:50 PM GMT
    Actually, chemistry isn't some mysterious, undefinable quality. Hormones, neurotransmitters, odors, pheromnes, etc., all have been studied and demonstrated to be a significant factor in partner bonding, particularly the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin. In fact, this aspect of human pairing is probably the most overlooked factor in layperson discussions about partnering.

    Most people rate their attractiveness/attractedness on strictly visual, social and psychological (and some spiritual) factors. I believe those factors are the aspects that first impress us about an individual (good-looking, hot body, good job, personable, intelligent, moral), but the closers are all hormonal.

    Many studies have been done on the role of scent, and theories about human pheromones. A personal anecdote I have about odor attractiveness involves a woman I know. I dance with her from time to time. I'm not physically drawn to her--she's a woman, after all--but I like her smell, and I have no perturbation about being VERY close to her (OK, not THAT close). A very comfortable feeling...and I wouldn't say it's her personality. Discussing this with other girlfriends of mine, I'm surprised to find out that all the other women think she reeks of body odor, and find her repulsive.

    My partner, whether he's showered or unshowered, always smells great to me, BTW.

    Some theories being posited suggest that our olfactory system is indirectly tied to our reproductive system, where a particular type of body secretion (in sweat) triggers a receptor in our nostrils that does a sort of rudimentary genetic test: this particular individual is diverse enough from our own genetic makeup to produce a more diverse offspring. One study I haven't seen (a possible break in this chain) is whether gays have receptors for both men and women (or if everyone has those receptors, regardless of orientation).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2009 6:56 PM GMT
    An interesting article about marital discord, tied to genes:

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/09/01/AR2008090102087.html
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19136

    Mar 21, 2009 7:11 PM GMT
    It can't be explained...You either have chemistry with someone, or you don't.