Meeting Quality Gay Men

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16308

    Oct 22, 2007 2:12 AM GMT
    I get kind of tired hearing the line, "I can't meet any quality guys" from single friends who are looking to date.

    My response usually is, "Try and meet some through friends". But what if that person doesn't have many friends who know singles or perhaps the gay man asking the question is new to the area. I got one comment, "I'm new here, maybe I should go to the bars and start from there".

    I(myself)always like making quality gay friendships with those who are grounded.

    Where is the best place to meet quality gay men?
    Whats been your experience?
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Oct 22, 2007 10:10 AM GMT
    My answer would be where quality men congregate
    if you're idea of a quality man likes opera...go to the opera
    you get where I'm goin?
    why complain about not meeting quality men when you're looking in bars and clubs
    if a barfly is your idea of a quality man...then you're homefree
    this wasn't aimed at you HK but to everybody in general
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    Oct 22, 2007 12:42 PM GMT
    I have been told that I am a quality guy and Here is where we can be found:.
    Art museums, gay book signings at the local gay book store. Take a course that you have been waiting to take through the extended education program at the local university.
    I met my 2nd befriend out side of the local neighborhood market he was waiting for me to come out.
    He struck up a conversation by saying that he like my dog. Funny thing is I had no idea that he was even following me, let alone waiting. Although it's rare I met my first lover at a bar in SF while I was in college we lasted for 4 years.
    You just have to be patient and not settle.

    You just have to know where to look and limit yourself.icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 22, 2007 1:26 PM GMT
    Do you know any guy who wouldn't say they were "quality"? To me that statement reeks of narcicissm(sp).
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    Oct 22, 2007 2:03 PM GMT

    When is narcissistic to have a positive self-image? If you truly read the response carefully and correctly. I know some guys who would have no qualms about beating themselves down and suffer from low self-esteem. I almost dated one who was perfect "Eye-Candy".

    There in nothing wrong with saying that you are a good person and that you are a person of quality.

    Now a narcissistic person would think that the world and the universe revolves around them and who feels that their outer beauty is the most important thing.

    Do you not think that you are a quality person and if you do isn't that is because others have told you so?

    It is exhausting when we men use well meaning threads to take out their hostility of others...when will it ever end? Geee!icon_biggrin.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16308

    Oct 22, 2007 2:51 PM GMT
    Well I appreciate that Phoenix, I hadn't thought about that and I'll make sure to suggest some of what you said to friends of mine that make that comment.
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    Oct 22, 2007 3:16 PM GMT

    You are very welcome. Quality men are out there...well heck they are everywhere! Good Luck to your friends.
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    Oct 22, 2007 4:13 PM GMT
    Interesting topic, especially since I don' "fit " in with the gay world, on many different levels, yet I am stereotypically gay on soooo many others. Like the simple fact that I just said SOOOOOO.

    There are thousands of men out there that are quality guys, strong, independent, intelligent, teachers, mentors, brilliant in their own right, and not a single one of them is what I, (or the people making the), "Where are all the quality men" statements, types.

    I have been single for my entire existence, with 3 short exceptions, Joanne for 8 months, Brian for about 7 months, and Patrick for about 5.5- 6 months. I don't date very much at all, and have not had a romantic BF type guy since I was 27. I am very rarely attracted to anyone enough to want romance or intimacy with them. The YO dude lets go bump uglies in the handicapped stall kind of attraction is always there, I can be kind of slutty like that, DUH I am a guy after all, sex can be all about just sex. But dating is another story.

    I loathe circuity, bitchy mean queens, I have no patience whores and barebackers, and I want nothing to do with drugs. So out of 100 gay guys, that limits me to about 25. Ten of whom are in a relationship, be it open or closed, seven of whom only want a friend with benefits, 1-2 are married to women, three are COMPLETELY out of my league, 6 can't stop talking about thier sobriety, 22 of them are fellow bottoms, 3 are closet alcoholics, 2 live in the same building that I do, 5, I slept with in my 20's, 8 are over weight, 14 are over 50, and nine have little dicks. AND, inevitably, the only one that I think is cute, is completely not interested.

    There are a ton of great guys out there. If you are looking for THE one, good luck. I doubt I will ever find him. I personally feel that sites like Manhunt, etc are detrimental to healthy and positive relationships. No matter HOW you approach someone on there, its a sex site. Even I have fallen for the trap of, HEY lets be friends!! (and maybe I can get you drunk and we can make out, because thats the only way I am going to get you naked and in my bed). PLUS the whole gay guy mean girl thing, please bring it!!, I love a good fist fight.

    I have maybe 5-6 close friends, straight, gay, male and female. I look for passion, good souls, creativity, spontanaeity, openness, JOY, and energy. I fall a little in love with each of them, and I take what they have to give, and like to think that I give back what I take. I think your friends find you, small sections of the same souls combining to form one machine thudding its way through life.

    From leather fetishists, to gym bunnies, attitude laden mean queens, to radical fairies, we all have our own versions of quality. Mine are big personalities, gentle eyes and a quick smile, booming laughs, and the ability to live. Want to meet quality people? Initiate a conversation with 20 new people a day, and then say hello, or good morning, or HOLY crap its cold out today, the next time you see them. You have to give them a reason to draw themselves to you, and its usually as simple as just saying anything at all to engage them. You can tell in 3 seconds if they are cold, warm, or hot.
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    Oct 22, 2007 7:30 PM GMT
    not every body can turn to friends
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    Oct 23, 2007 1:51 AM GMT
    The Forums are replete with "Where do I meet a quality guy? I don't like bars." Some of you are in small towns, and maybe my ideas won't help you, but maybe some of my ideas will help on a smaller scale.

    When my partner and I moved to Ft. Lauderdale, we didn't know anyone, and frequented the bars...back then, that's really all that was available. We wondered where all the nice, quality (that doesn't mean you necessarily want to sleep with them) guys were. Eventually we started introducing ourselves to the guys we didn't want to sleep with, but that looked nice...we broke into that clique that was intimidating...and got ostracized frequently, but eventually found some nice people. We invited them to drinks/dinner or got invited to drinks/dinner. We thanked them, got invited to their home or invited them to ours; met new people and kept expanding our social circle. We kept the circle going and growing. There were some we didn't particularly like, but they knew people we did come to like. It's a lot of work; it takes a lot of time (years). You keep names and phone numbers. You send them Christmas cards. You cultivate them as friends.

    Nowadays, the gay community doesn't just have bars. We have community centers, charitable organizations, sports organizations and web sites. The web sites that are generally around are for sex and hookups, but we're starting to see some, like RealJock, that aren't exclusively used for hookups. I think we're going to see other web sites that are around for social/charitable/athletic purposes at which you can find those quality guys, which you can cultivate into friendships and more.

    My profile says I'm here to find golfers, and I can tell you, that over the ten years of my golf group, that there have been numerous friendships, partnerships, spin-off golf groups that have been generated. If you are nuts about an acivity, as I am about golf, start your own group of crocheters, swimmers, avid get the idea. Don't expect the world to beat a path to your door. It will take time. Be patient. But go get them. The world doesn't owe you a living...neither does it owe you a lover. You may deserve him, but you have to go find him!

  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Oct 23, 2007 2:08 AM GMT
    I think if you want to meet the kind of guy you'd have a relationship with, you have to meet them someplace you'd naturally be, someplace that involves your likes and interests.

    Like art? galleries, museums and exhibits
    Sports? rec leagues and games
    Cooking? Cooking classes, etc.

    Don't go someplace where people are looking to just hook-up and expect to find a guy that wants the same thing as you. Everyone there is wary and on guard.
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    Oct 23, 2007 2:21 AM GMT

    Even if you are at the places you enjoy, such as art galleries, museums, exhibits, sports, rec leagues and games, cooking, how do you know which guys are gay amd which you can hit on without fear of reprisal?
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    Oct 23, 2007 3:17 AM GMT
    You could send away for a quality russian mail order boy.
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    Oct 23, 2007 3:27 AM GMT
    I always believed you got to be a quality man to get quality man.

    You can find quality anywhere.

    I have met one of my best friend's on the muni bus.

  • bigguysf

    Posts: 329

    Oct 23, 2007 3:31 AM GMT
    It's all about timing, no matter where you are. But I managed to luck out and meet a really cool guy on this new website, He messaged me a few days after I joined, we met for coffee, and it kinda went from there. And up til then I couldn't pay to meet a nice guy. icon_razz.gif
  • liftordie

    Posts: 823

    Oct 23, 2007 4:25 AM GMT
    u can find 'quality' anywhere just like you can find 'completely flaked out' you just have to learn to keep your eyes and more importantly your ears open. i have encountered some extrememely beautiful men in my time that had not much interesting to say and i have met some less than perfect in appearance that i have stayed and talked to until the bar/coffee shop closed. to me that is 'quality' !!!!!icon_lol.gif
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Oct 23, 2007 4:59 AM GMT
    One of the problems with the idea of just finding people doing the activities you normally do is that it requires your activities to be social ones. I like to read, for instance, but I don't really like book clubs--too structured, I find myself getting annoyed if people haven't read the book, etc--so it's really a very solitary endeavor. I suppose eventually I could try to find a gay volleyball team, rather than just playing in intramurals with my (predominantly straight) friends. I wonder if there are gay board games clubs in my area. Probably not, given the size of the city. ;)
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    Oct 23, 2007 5:00 AM GMT
    I met my bf on a gay website....three years ago this month. It was one of those classic stories of me thinking this guy doesnt show much promise. All his pics were duds except one...and there wasnt much else to recommend him that I remember. But we got corresponding and I discovered the most wonderful man behind that profile. I am still astonished to this day how much we click. And, as the story goes, I can hardly remember the time before he was in my life. He has stimulated and expanded my life in areas I never expected.

    I remember as we were growing together, I offended him and I thought I had lost him. I was devastated. Boy! Did I learn to see life from his perspective and respect his limits.

    I love being a husband. And I love being husbanded. He has been such a great support during my cancer.

    So I guess the moral to the story is that you dont always know when you are meeting that "quality" man. It may take a while for you to realize what you've got.

    I find it interesting that he has no interest in Realjock. And he only looks at something on here if I point it out to him. I guess he only had interest in web discussions when he was single. But now that we are hitched, he couldnt care less.

    He has had a lot more experience of being in a relationship. He used to be married...and has two kids. I used to worry about how much time do we spend together and how much time do I have to let him have his own space...and how much time am I allowed to claim just for me. But I have discovered it isnt a problem. We just know.
  • Alan95823

    Posts: 306

    Oct 23, 2007 5:17 AM GMT
    Caslon, thanks for sharing that story, it's very encouraging for me icon_smile.gif

    Right now, with my school and work schedules, dating just has to take a backseat. I'm OK with that, honestly, and am working on making myself over into a physical form I'm happier with. It's the last of my (major) baggage, and I'm setting myself free.

    Once I'm done with school and actually have some social time again, I'm planning on joining the local gay chapter of the Sierra Club to go hiking with like-minded people. Whether romance shows up that way or not, I'm planning to have fun at least. I'm betting that I'll meet other quality guys.. and frankly, I may stop in at a local bar or two once in a while, too. At least to get my face out there again, I'm sure several of my old casual acquaintances have thought I've died or something.
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    Oct 23, 2007 6:10 AM GMT
    People who complain of not finding "quality people" are, imo, like kids complaining of being bored. The problem is internal.

    Caslon's story is pretty apt in that most everyone you meet is "quality" if you just take the time to know them. Everyone has a story to tell and you really cannot tell a book by its cover...... erm, in fact some of the juiciest covers "(and oh so juicy) can be quite misleading!
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    Oct 23, 2007 8:46 AM GMT
    It has been my experience that "quality" in a person is subjective to the observer and unique from person to person. I believe that its not a question of whether or not a person is a "quality" person, but whether or not a person's qualities fulfill another's ideals.

    I think the term "quality gay men" sounds more like its a search for a good side of beef, rather than a partner. You have to know what qualities you're looking for in a guy and you have to be willing to spend the time to dig beneath the surface and really get to know him before you discount him as "not quality". Otherwise, its entirely too easy to dismiss a gem of a person as undesireable, because a diamond often looks like a rock until you dig beneath the surface. You also have to be realistic in your expectations of others... people are not perfect, everyone has flaws, and knights in shining armor exist only in fairytales.

    And just because I've got this thing about semantics... narcissism is defined as "excessive love or admiration of oneself." Emphasis on "excessive". To state that you are a quality person is not indicative of narcissism, at least in this context. It is, as Phoenix43 so eloquently stated, an indication of a positive self-image, which is a very admirable quality. icon_wink.gificon_cool.gif
  • leaozinho

    Posts: 177

    Oct 23, 2007 11:37 AM GMT
    I think I am a "quality" guy. I am here and available! Meet me!
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    Oct 23, 2007 11:16 PM GMT
    Well, I showed my bf my posting above. And asked him about why he doesnt come on Realjock. He said cuz first) he is not really interested in online chats now that we are together; but also, second) he views Realjock as my set of friends that I get to be with without him. Just as he has his classes that he teaches with people I dont know. So I guess he is just respecting RJ as my space...and he knows nothing is going on here with me and any other guy. He doesnt feel the least bit threatened by you all. ... icon_lol.gif
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    Oct 24, 2007 5:08 PM GMT
    Trance23 wrote:You could send away for a quality russian mail order boy.

    Can I send away for you instead? icon_wink.gif

    leaozinho wrote:I think I am a "quality" guy. I am here and available! Meet me!

    Hello there! How YOU doin'? icon_wink.gif

    I'd like to think I'm a "quality guy" least that's based on what I'm told.

    You can usually find me at the gym, the cafe in the local gayborhood, or just walking around downtown. You can even find me at one of the few gay bars every once in a while hanging out with my friends.
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    Oct 30, 2007 7:55 AM GMT
    To be honest with you I'm neither a manly masculine jock that is 100% straight-acting nor am I a cultured refined "high-quality" opera/theater buff. I pretty much hate both extremes and I make fun of them both frequently. Defining your inner soul and the complexities of your nature is more intriguing than what you are good at or your hobbies. And I am brave enough to get over mannerisms as long as you are.

    I've gotten along with men that liked to do many different things than me, but we just meshed so well we didn't care. OTOH, I HATED some guys that have had the same interests as me. What you do and your external behaviors do not matter at all to me. I don't really give a shit what you do for a living. I'd probably find it really, really boring no matter what it is. I am a person that is more interested in your internal motivations for doing something.

    You just have to make me laugh and make me feel comfortable like you're not a mean guy. Cruelty is NEVER a turn-on. I know it might look like that way on porn fellas, but in real life, I want a guy that is sweet and sensitive like me! Truly!

    I don't care if you are a bar guy, or if you're homeless gay bum, or if you're a high-top executive that earns a ba-jillion a year. "If you show me real love baby I'll show you mine."

    Yeah yeah I quoted Paris Hilton but I can't help it, I LOVE that song!!!

    You also have to admit you are gay, at least to your close friends or publically in some way. I'm a gay-rights activist and I will not compromise my morals for your sexual needs, sorry!! None of this hiding BS. Also, lack of confidence is never sexy, but I think it's cute when guys need to be protected. Showing that vulnerability is hot regardless. I could never date somebody that was so "straight" they were rigid and unshakeable! I will go out of my way to get a reaction out of you. ((I'm a shy extrovert)) I love when you're all dominant but also intense too like you could be flip-flopped at a second's notice! That's hot!!!

    I also don't mind barebacking sometimes. The whole HIV/AIDS thing is SO overblown on the media! I mean, the whole notion that gay men just got sick a few decades ago when men have been fucking each other since we've been's just, silly really. Though don't EVER take that as a red flag that I'm "unsafe" or any of that nonsense. If you think that, you're just a lemming for homophobes to control you. I might dress up as SUPER AIDS for Halloween to make ya laugh and get that shit out of you system. Don't believe stats just because you heard it from the government ugh. Also as for those weird gays that got killed by AIDS, trust me honey, that was from drugs and other poor lifestyle habits, not taking it up the rectum.