abusive relationships

  • baldone

    Posts: 826

    Mar 24, 2009 2:48 AM GMT
    met this guy, wonderful, sweet, great guy, 7 weeks out of a horrible abusive relationship that lasted 2 years and now the guy has a horrible, down opinion of himself, that he is not worth anyones love, that he is not desirable, and he goes on and on, i have fallen head over heels for him and wonder how i can get through to him that he is good looking, worthy of someones love, and friendship, and that life will go on.....would appreciate any help from you guys
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 24, 2009 2:53 AM GMT

    When he says something great, enlightening or kind or insightful, express appreciation and then build on whatever comment he made. It's a start.


    here (it's sappy to some, but delivers a good message...)





    Chiquitita, tell me whats wrong
    Youre enchained by your own sorrow
    In your eyes there is no hope for tomorrow
    How I hate to see you like this
    There is no way you can deny it
    I can see that youre oh so sad, so quiet

    Chiquitita, tell me the truth
    Im a shoulder you can cry on
    Your best friend, Im the one you must rely on
    You were always sure of yourself
    Now I see youve broken a feather
    I hope we can patch it up together

    Chiquitita, you and I know
    How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they're leaving
    Youll be dancing once again and the pain will end
    You will have no time for grieving
    Chiquitita, you and I cry
    But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you
    Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
    Sing a new song, chiquitita
    Try once more like you did before
    Sing a new song, chiquitita

    So the walls came tumbling down
    And your loves a blown out candle
    All is gone and it seems too hard to handle
    Chiquitita, tell me the truth
    There is no way you can deny it
    I see that youre oh so sad, so quiet

    Chiquitita, you and I know
    How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they're leaving
    You'll be dancing once again and the pain will end
    You will have no time for grieving
    Chiquitita, you and I cry
    But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you
    Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
    Sing a new song, chiquitita
    Try once more like you did before
    Sing a new song, chiquitita
    Try once more like you did before
    Sing a new song, chiquitita

    ...we both hope this helps - even share it with him....
  • jgymnast733

    Posts: 1783

    Mar 24, 2009 2:59 AM GMT
    You should show him by example,
    that there are people out here who are friendly and good, also
    compliments go a long way.. Purchase for him THE SECRET, dvd....
    Good Luck with your friend...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 24, 2009 1:22 PM GMT
    Did you ask when the relationship ended? Maybe it's still too soon for him to be in a relationship. Perhaps you should suggest that he seek professional help to aid him with dealing with his self-esteem issues. Being a victim of abuse...those wounds do not heal over night.

    Being a relationship for two years and dealing with physical and emotional abuse he may have been dealing with issues of depression and low-self esteem all of his life.
  • DanBasil

    Posts: 173

    Mar 24, 2009 1:36 PM GMT
    You alone will not be able to remind him of his empowerment, but being there and being supportive. Also making a referral to places he can reach out to if he chooses. Depending on where he is there may be a variety of services available. Either yourself or this guy can reach out to the Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project for referrals or just to talk a bit about abusive relationships the effects and reactions. their website is www.gmdvp.org or by phone at 800-832-1901 ~ Even though they are Boston based they are able to call around your area to help coordinate resources if they are available.

    I hope things work out for you all, but recovery from the trauma of an abusive relationship can take time.

    much luck-
    daniel basil
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 24, 2009 1:41 PM GMT



    Good point there, Ducky45, though I brought ABBA up and my suggestions as my Bill (in the pic) had been in abusive relationship for 12 years and out of it for 3 months when we met. Did he still have issues? Yep. After all, none of us come through life without some sort of suitcase full of personal history.

    I demonstrated how it could be. Every time he tried a door to my heart I made sure it was unlocked. I threw every window open. I made sure he knew how wonderful he was for his stamina in the previous situation. I openly admired his strength for leaving a bad relationship. I patiently demonstrated how wonderful he was by my responses to his small steps forward. Had things not worked out between us I would have been heartbroken, sure, but happy I had been part of his heart's resurrection as I loved (and still love) him madly.

    ....and here we are today.

    -Doug of meninlove
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 24, 2009 3:49 PM GMT
    I was in an abusive relationship for 9 years. Though I've been out of it for 6 months, I don't feel ready to get involved with anyone.

    Try to convince him to see a professional. We react differently to situations. I think that you are on shaky ground here & he may come out of this seeing you as a friend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 24, 2009 4:26 PM GMT
    pdxor said I was in an abusive relationship for 9 years. Though I've been out of it for 6 months, I don't feel ready to get involved with anyone.

    Try to convince him to see a professional. We react differently to situations. I think that you are on shaky ground here & he may come out of this seeing you as a friend.
    I agree, it would be best if he sought professional help with your strength and encouragement behind it.
  • baldone

    Posts: 826

    Mar 24, 2009 11:28 PM GMT
    relationship was 2 years and he has been out of it for almost 2 months now....i realize i am setting myself up for a major hurt as i have only been out for 2 years and this is first real guy that i want to spend time with and give him my heart......married for 30 years prior and divorce final last april....what a pair we would be huh
  • baldone

    Posts: 826

    Mar 24, 2009 11:32 PM GMT
    oh and he is already seeing a counselor once a week....sessions are on mondays