Being gay in college

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    Mar 25, 2009 6:18 AM GMT
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    Hey guys this is my first post. I'm a second year at college and I've really starting to understand what it's like to be gay. One thing I've noticed around my school is that a lot of the other guys who are homosexual are really effeminate and stereotypical. Don't get me wrong I don't find anything wrong with that but i'm really having a hard time making other homosexual friends. sometimes a gay guy just needs to talk to another gay guy and i'm not finding these types of friendships. I want friends who are more like me, 'straight -acting' it's so frustrating! I have a theory that there's lots of other guys out there that aren't as 'noticeable' but they are to afraid to come out....

    Any body else feel this way/ have the same problem. I gotta make some good friends soon or i'm gunna go crazy in this place!!
    thanks for the feedback guys!
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    Mar 25, 2009 6:24 AM GMT
    I know exactly what you mean. Maybe it's because I have bad gaydar but the only gays I see on my campus are the flaming guys. It sucks...I'd like to find someone more like me to hang with.
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    Mar 25, 2009 8:48 AM GMT
    yeah. the best thing to do I found, was to just come out (since you are going to anyway), and then see what happens. non effeminate gay guys need representation too you know.
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    Mar 25, 2009 8:59 AM GMT
    I agree with everyone else.

    If you aren't out, come out. (I know, religion/family/personal issues can get in the way, but it's worth it)

    There ARE others like you where you are, but they're probably in your position, so it isn't exactly easy to find who they are.

    By pointing out that the other gays are super queeny flamers, you may not realize, but you could subconsciously hold some prejudices against those types of gay guys. Not trying to vilify you or say it's a bad thing, but that could be why you're hesitant or uncomfortable around them.

    Be happy with the friends you have, and give said "effeminate" gay guys a chance, at least the ones you think might be worth your time. Who knows, you might even end up becoming friends with some of em.

  • Anto

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    Mar 25, 2009 10:23 AM GMT
    If you aren't out, come out. (I know, religion/family/personal issues can get in the way, but it's worth it)

    Not necessarily. Coming out is a very situation dependent sort of thing. Coming out at the wrong time and place can ruin a lot of things in your life that can have lasting consequences even years later and you may not be any better for it other than coming out as a matter of principal.

    calguy456,

    Yeah, I experienced the exact same thing and it was rough. I think it's because gay guys who fit the stereotype are going to be noticed/assumed to be gay to begin with so it's not like they can hide who they are so they are the ones commonly at all of the gay clubs, meetings, events, etc., whereas the gay guys that are more like 'normal' guys, not so easy.

    I had a very hard time with it because I didn't have any examples to identify with other than what I didn't want being gay to necessarily mean for me.
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    Mar 25, 2009 10:37 AM GMT
    Well it might also be possible that the only guys that you KNOW are gay, are the obvious ones.....they are going to stand out compared gays who are more masculine. icon_cool.gif
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    Mar 25, 2009 11:18 AM GMT
    Are you saying that gays that are more femme than you aren't capable of being good freinds??

    Sounds like more gay self hating bullshit to me... sit alone in your dorm room and cry into your ramen noodles!
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    Mar 25, 2009 11:22 AM GMT
    College is an awkward time for almost all gay males. You run the spectrum of guys who knew they were gay in high school and are finally able to express it openly, the guys who aren't sure they really are gay and just fooling around with other guys, and guys who never really had thought about it, but come to realize that they are gay, and everything in between.

    Personally, I was one of the "didn't realize I was gay" types, and had a hard time with it. Not coming out, but making gay friends, because they were all flaming queers. Of course, I went to a smaller school, so the selection pool wasn't all that huge to begin with. It really wasn't until I moved that I really started making really good gay friends. Now I've got a good group of friends, both gay and straight, male and female.

    My advise to you would be to try your best to relax, and remember that even the flaming queers are struggling with it too, even if it doesn't seem like it. They're going through it a different way, but they're going through it the same as you. Perhaps you can find some common ground in that.

    Another route to go is just find really open minded straight friends. They're pretty awesome, and almost like having gay friends. I don't think your happiness there will depend on your making gay friends. I think you just need to find a good group of friends who accept you for who you are.
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    Mar 25, 2009 11:31 AM GMT
    Man, I wish I had come out in college. A lot of other honesty issues that were plaguing me at the time would have been resolved, I think, if I had dealt with this one then.

    All I can tell you, calguy456, is to do it when you are ready and remember that we are supporting you here in the interim.

    Good luck.
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    Mar 25, 2009 12:07 PM GMT
    I came out when I was a Junior at James Madison University. Like a lot of others, I was not considered a flamboyant femmy guy, and it was also hard for me to make gay friends. At first, I wasn't comfortable making friends with the stereotypical gay people. But I did, and I'm glad I did. They were very supportive of me, and I ended up making some really close friendships through it.

    Also, I focused on making better friends who were not gay who would have my back there so that I wouldn't be afraid to be myself on campus. When I came out, I had to leave two very conservative campus christian groups, Campus Crusade for Christ and Chi Alpha. I was reduced to about 5 friendships at the drop of a hat. Luckily, the hippy crowd at my school took me in. I didn't start wearing those kinds of clothes and talking like them and not showering or wearing deoderant anymore and becoming crazy politically active, but I did hang out with them, and they and a lot of new people I met in the campus gay community helped me to begin to heal my wounds from all the religious homophobia I had encountered from the age of 14-20.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that college is a great time to come out, and it's what you CHOOSE to make of it. My coming out led to the creation of a much healthier set of friends that I believe saved my life, and I love them all to pieces. I hope you figure out what to do, and if you decide to come out, we all have your back.
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    Mar 25, 2009 12:23 PM GMT
    If you are not going to be honest with yourself and those around you then how would you expect to meet friends that you can relate to. You need to come out to a least a specific level. The possible friends you are looking for might need to know that you are a homo. My suggestions, as cliche as it sounds, is to attend a meeting of your schools gay group. Most colleges have them now. I know I cemented a few friendships with people attending those events. I went to a fairly large university and when you are sitting in a room with 30-40 other gays and lesbians you definitely get a wide range of types of people. I am sure you would be able to find someone to relate to.

    Good luck.
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    Mar 25, 2009 12:54 PM GMT
    Is your school large enough to have a gay student organization? Sometimes called the 10% Society, or maybe with GLBT or LGBT in the name, Gay-Straight Alliance, Rainbow-whatever, something like that. Just check the student activities list, or ask another gay student.

    If they don't have a formal organization, one of the faculty or staff may serve as a GLBT Student Advisor. I was a staff advisor to our campus 10% Society.

    Here's a paste from a recent RJ post I made to a related thread:

    "A few years before this I had been taking some undergraduate college courses that I needed to teach HS. One day I was running late for class and didn't pay attention to the shirt I grabbed as I left my apartment.

    After class a young female student came up to me in the hallway. "Sir, can I please ask you a question?" At my age even fellow college students call you "sir."

    Very shy, she struggled to continue. "I hope I don't insult you, but... are you gay?" I was a little startled, but answered yes, wondering what prompted that question.

    "You're wearing a shirt that says 'Gay Men's Chorus of Houston.'" I looked down at my shirt and sure enough I was! She went on to tell me she was lesbian, and rather intimidated & lonely on this small campus, which had no GLBT student groups. She thanked me for being so "brave" to advertise my sexuality, which made her feel a little better.

    I put her in touch with a gay faculty member who headed an unofficial GLBT support group for students. And from that day forward I wore gay pride crap to classes on a fairly regular basis. Not to flaunt my orientation, but as a signal to other gay students to not be afraid, that they were not alone."


    Not sure how gay-friendly or hostile your campus is, whether it would be safe for you to wear subtle markers of your orientation, that other gay guys would recognize. In my case I did it to lend support; in your case it could be advertising so the butch ones know who you are, since I assume you're not a flamer yourself, based on your comments.
  • SFGeoNinja

    Posts: 510

    Mar 25, 2009 1:37 PM GMT
    Make liberal straight friends if you cannot find any (obviously) gay friends who suit you. Provided you are out to your friends (AND to friends outside of your core group, tho I realize that takes time), they will introduce to other less-than-stereotypical gay guys who are in the same exact situation as you. And the rest is fucking magic icon_cool.gif

    However, none of this will happen if you don't come out first. Come out to a good friend and a huge weight off your shoulders will be lifted, you'll feel steadily more comfortable with yourself, and perhaps more open to meeting different types of gay guys both socially and romantically.

    Good luck!
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    Mar 25, 2009 1:59 PM GMT
    davidp7 saidMake liberal straight friends if you cannot find any (obviously) gay friends who suit you. Provided you are out to your friends (AND to friends outside of your core group, tho I realize that takes time), they will introduce to other less-than-stereotypical gay guys who are in the same exact situation as you. And the rest is fucking magic icon_cool.gif

    However, none of this will happen if you don't come out first. Come out to a good friend and a huge weight off your shoulders will be lifted, you'll feel steadily more comfortable with yourself, and perhaps more open to meeting different types of gay guys both socially and romantically.

    Good luck!

    Very good advice. And the OP contained this: "I want friends who are more like me, 'straight -acting' it's so frustrating! I have a theory that there's lots of other guys out there that aren't as 'noticeable' but they are to afraid to come out...."

    Not a theory at all -- fact. I was "straight-acting" most of my adult life, until I came out at 45 and consciously decided to relax a bit, and sometimes have some silly fun with my orientation.

    But I'm still at heart very "butch" or else I couldn't have had a successful 25-year career in the US Army. Trust me, masculine gay men are all around you. You only see the swishy ones because they stand out from the crowd; the rest of us do not.

    Now your challenge is to connect with these "straight-acting" gay guys, using the good advice you've been given above.
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    Mar 25, 2009 2:01 PM GMT
    i agree and feel the pain of the OP- the only guys on campus that i know of as being gay are those members of the 'gay maffia,' of whom everyone knows everyone else and they've all slept with each other- they're the ones one sees because they're the ones who are obvious. statistically, there HAVE to be other masculine gays... the kind you just can tell unless you ask (the kind I'M attracted to)..... but there's really nothing to be done about that, aside from just asking everyone you think is hot if they're gay.


    and so i've suffered alone for 4 years. sigh...
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    Mar 25, 2009 2:04 PM GMT
    czarodziej said


    and so i've suffered alone for 4 years. sigh...


    Don't look at it as suffering. Look at it as an opportunity to do the things you want to do without having to be like, "oh I can't do that, my boyfriend will kill me." Being single is great if you allow it to be. Then when you find someone, you get to enjoy that part of life. Don't look at it as suffering.
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    Mar 25, 2009 2:06 PM GMT
    everyone tells me to just 'have fun' being single, and while i get it that one has less responsibility to think about when alone, the only way to 'have fun with it' is to go out and hook up- at least, i always suspect that's what ppl are suggesting i do. 'oh, just have fun, live it up and enjoy being single!' yeah.... i don't do hookups, and wouldn't even if cincinnati HAD attractive men who'd consider it with me. lol

    so no fun. just me concentrating on my school work and wishing i could cuddle someone.
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    Mar 25, 2009 2:09 PM GMT
    czarodziej saidi agree and feel the pain of the OP- the only guys on campus that i know of as being gay are those members of the 'gay maffia,' of whom everyone knows everyone else and they've all slept with each other- they're the ones one sees because they're the ones who are obvious. statistically, there HAVE to be other masculine gays... the kind you just can tell unless you ask (the kind I'M attracted to)..... but there's really nothing to be done about that, aside from just asking everyone you think is hot if they're gay.


    and so i've suffered alone for 4 years. sigh...



    This is anywhere you go man!
    I started hanging out with some gay guys...and I was mildly horrified to find out that EVERYONE knew EVERYONE and pretty much slept or wanted to sleep with them!
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    Mar 25, 2009 2:10 PM GMT
    czarodziej saideveryone tells me to just 'have fun' being single, and while i get it that one has less responsibility to think about when alone, the only way to 'have fun with it' is to go out and hook up- at least, i always suspect that's what ppl are suggesting i do. 'oh, just have fun, live it up and enjoy being single!' yeah.... i don't do hookups, and wouldn't even if cincinnati HAD attractive men who'd consider it with me. lol

    so no fun. just me concentrating on my school work and wishing i could cuddle someone.


    I understand that. What i mean by the good of being single is not the hooking up, because i never liked that either. I just liked that I had the ability to just do whatever I felt like whenever I felt like it. If I want to go camping for a week, then I'd go (and I did). If I wanted to run off to NYC, I did. Now, I love my bf to pieces, but I can;t just up and go do something with no warning for an extended period of time.
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    Mar 25, 2009 2:10 PM GMT
    I've spent a total of 6years in college without meeting a guy like me, it sucks but i still made friends with the fem guys and even the str8 ppl. Yes it sux not to meet a guy like yourself but it sux more limiting yourself to 1 type of person. Accept all as a friend 1st and all will fall in place after. You're only miserable in college if you allow yourself to be.
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    Mar 25, 2009 2:15 PM GMT
    TheIStrat said
    czarodziej said
    and so i've suffered alone for 4 years. sigh...

    Don't look at it as suffering. Look at it as an opportunity to do the things you want to do without having to be like, "oh I can't do that, my boyfriend will kill me." Being single is great if you allow it to be. Then when you find someone, you get to enjoy that part of life. Don't look at it as suffering.

    How wise you are. One of my personal sayings is that "I thrive wherever I'm planted." And thanks to an Army career I was planted in many places, in many jobs, and had to cope with many things I really didn't want to do.

    As you say, make things that happen to you into opportunities, not dead-ends. If you are single, then exploit the things that only singles get to do. And when you have a partner or BF, enjoy the special pleasures & advantages that only a partner or BF can give you.

    Everything is good, and nothing is bad, if you know how to exploit it. Thrive where you're planted.
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    Mar 25, 2009 2:18 PM GMT
    calguy456 said I want friends who are more like me, 'straight -acting' it's so frustrating! I have a theory that there's lots of other guys out there that aren't as 'noticeable' but they are to afraid to come out....

    Any body else feel this way/ have the same problem. I gotta make some good friends soon or i'm gunna go crazy in this place!!
    thanks for the feedback guys!


    I know just what you mean. I was lucky in college to make some great friends - both straight and gay. I met guys in my fraternity, h20-polo team, through other friends, just all over campus. At first I thought they were all straight - and most of them were - but after getting to know them, I found out some of them were thinking (and wanting) MEN. Life became great! I discovered my gaydar - and found out there is a lingering look in the eye - more of a sensitivity in a gay guy - I could pick them out (even though we all appeared very masc.) because they wanted to hang out and get close in a different / deeper way than straight guys. We were trying to send subconscious signals to each other.....but were afraid of getting hit in the mouth - possibly losing our perfect teeth - by making advances to a guy who would not welcome those advances. Don't give up - there are great gay guys out there - you just need to recognize each other - despite the *straight appearing* veneer.
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    Mar 25, 2009 2:23 PM GMT
    My comment really quickly.....

    does it matter if someone is a flaming whore when it comes to friendship? Just a thought. I have some friends who sleep around like it is a profession, but they are still amazing friends. I have friends who are like a walking rainbow, but still an amazin friend.

    So does it really matter if your gay friend is "straight" acting? Is that going to automatically make them a better friend?
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Mar 25, 2009 2:31 PM GMT
    jpchristy saidWell it might also be possible that the only guys that you KNOW are gay, are the obvious ones.....they are going to stand out compared gays who are more masculine. icon_cool.gif


    exactly, you are not noticing any "masculine" gay guys because you don't which ones are gay
  • swimbikerun

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    Mar 25, 2009 2:36 PM GMT
    Hunter9 said
    jpchristy saidWell it might also be possible that the only guys that you KNOW are gay, are the obvious ones.....they are going to stand out compared gays who are more masculine. icon_cool.gif


    exactly, you are not noticing any "masculine" gay guys because you don't which ones are gay
    Not that it's college related but it is hard for gay guys to pick out masculine queers. Really hard, lol
    Last week I was doing a rehearsal scene with another guy (who is obviously gay) and he tried to kiss me instead of doing a "stage" kiss. Fast forward, he's now wondering if I'm a homophobe! doh