str8 turned bi? fell for a str8 friend...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2009 12:32 AM GMT
    So, All my life, I have lived the path of a str8 guy. I've always liked girls, and I still do. I have never done anything sexually with a dude at all. But just recently, I came to a conclusion that I might be bisexual. No one knows about my confusion, so I guess I'm a closeted bi.

    About the other guy. before I tell you guys about him, you guys have to know, I'm in a fraternity. ALL of my bros are str8, except for two (one is gay, one is closeted bi). My fraternity is very accepting about that. Back to the other guy... He is very good-looking, open-minded, and good with the ladies (I am too). He is still a pledge. We've only known each other for two months... but I can honestly say that he is closest to me in my fraternity. Heck, he's the closest to me in my life right now. We have hang out A LOT... A LOT! we really are bestfriends now. We always talk to each other on the phone, in person, and online for quite a long time almost everyday. I know him so much and he knows me so much. He txts me about anything and I do the same. We always have fun together. During parties, we always find ourselves chilling together even though we are talking to girls too. He even asked me to visit him at his place couple of hours away during the break. So, me, really excited, as my bestfriend asked me to visit his family (and his hot sister), went. We really are close, we even already plans to live with each other next semester in the frat house. BUT.... during the time I was at his place... and especially right after I left his place, in my car, I realized... I might be falling in-love with him.. I even started thinking about kissing him and daydreaming about it... idk what to do...

    HE IS STR8. during that two months I have known him, he is really working on this one girl that he loves. He even cried on my shoulder twice about her... I really don't know what to do... I think there is hope that he might be bi.. but i really don't know. I'm scared... I am seriously not ready to let everyone know Im bi (if I am)... maybe I just love him sooo much... maybe it's just bromance.. idk, I really don't... Should I even tell him??? coz If I do, it might change things.... he might treat me differently if he doesn't feel the same way. and there's fear that he'll tell other people even though I don't think he will. Or Should I just let it go.... wait til the feelings go away. maybe I misunderstand my own feelings... But the hope that he might feel the same.... I don't mind if we have to hide it... Actually I prefer it that way... but idk...

    sorry, this is way too long... but I really need to know what to do... help me out... HELP!
  • Tennis_Tom

    Posts: 59

    Mar 28, 2009 12:57 AM GMT
    hmmm yea it sounds like youre really into him and it also sounds like hes probably straight. you should probably try to ease back a little bit, you dont want to become so involved that you could get hurt.

    is it just him that you find yourself attracted to or are you attracted to any other guys? maybe talking to the gay guy in your frat about what you're feeling would help, im sure he'd keep it confidential.

    btw bromance is a fucking brilliant phrase, im stealing that icon_smile.gif

    best of luck
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    Mar 28, 2009 1:06 AM GMT

    I would not do it (hit on him).He is str8...keep it that way and find you a bf or something to try it out before you mess up a friendship!!

    good luck
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2009 1:35 AM GMT
    hello dude im here a bi also the story u have like mine in real life but as an advice call him somewhere and tell him ur gonna tell him ur secret like seriouse conversation but dont tell him u love him just tell him ur bi type since he is ur bestfriend i dont think he will get mad or somthing,even though after u tell him after a few days tell him u love him that if u see or feel he is even close to u ;0.



    good luck icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2009 1:41 AM GMT
    Or you could continue to share the same awesome friendship you already have. Let labels be damned, just be the best friend you can to this guy.
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    Mar 28, 2009 1:46 AM GMT
    G0ys saidOr you could continue to share the same awesome friendship you already have. Let labels be damned, just be the best friend you can to this guy.

    Outstanding advice! I second that vote.icon_biggrin.gif
  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 511

    Mar 28, 2009 1:46 AM GMT
    You're having your first guy crush. If you tell him that you like him it will weird him out something serious, especially if he's secretly bi and not ready to deal with his feelings. When you like someone a lot, or love them, you see things that you want to see. Indicators that he might be bi might only be that way because you want them to be. Your feelings towards him could be causing you to misread his behavior. Don't risk your friendship.

    Maybe talk to the gay guy in your frat. You don't have to be specific of course. If that's uncomfortable, look for counseling groups at the school. Most universities have confidential LGBT groups. It's torture keeping everything bottled up.
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    Mar 28, 2009 1:47 AM GMT
    What strikes me most about your post is that you only once mention that he's good-looking, almost as if in passing. You seem to be more attracted to him, the person, than him, the man. That's pretty cool. HOWEVER...

    What you're feeling is very confusing right now, but I promise you, your infatuation will pass. Don't screw up a great friendship because you have strong feelings you don't know what to do with.

    Out of curiosity, is your attraction to him the only reason you think you might be bi?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2009 1:57 AM GMT
    OK man, first let's talk about your buddy.

    Nothing you say about him leads me to believe that he's gay, or bi, or straight. He dates girls - so do you. He loves a girl - but he spends quite a lot of time talking, texting, chatting, etc with you. I can tell you quite honestly, very few straight guys cry on the shoulder of a guy they've known only two months. Even if they are best friends.

    Now, let's talk about you.

    You're 21 years old and you've never been attracted to a guy before. But now you are. Does that make you bi? Maybe - but maybe not. You're at a crossroads in life, you're forming some of the strongest friendships you'll ever have in life, and you're at an age where the sex drive is at its peak. It's very easy to develop sexual feelings for someone you feel so close to, and are in such close proximity to so much of the time. No doubt you love him deeply, and you've fantasized sexually about him; that may or may not mean that deep down you want to have a sexual relationship with him.

    My advice - relax. Don't panic. Don't try to rush anything or force anything. Enjoy having a friend that you love, and that seems to love you. Find the time to talk with him alone about how you feel about him - not necessarily about your sexual feelings for him - and he may end up confessing he has feelings for you. Give him the opportunity, but if he doesn't take it, it isn't the end of the world. If he's truly your friend, he'll still be your friend. Don't feel the need to rush out and have sex with some other guy just because it didn't work out with this guy. And if it does eventually turn out that you're bi or gay, don't worry - you're still the same person you always were.
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Mar 28, 2009 2:03 AM GMT
    I am in no way calling you a liar, but is this a common situation? Going through 20 years straight as can be, and then falling in love with a hot dude out of nowhere? I would have thought you had an inkling of your same-sex attraction before this. Besides the point...

    I personally am going to go in the opposite direction of previous advice. I would NOT just flat out confess your love for him. That's too much, too scary. But your description of your friendship, in my opinion, goes way beyond regular best friendship. But I don't have a ton of guy friends, so maybe I just can't relate. Either way, I would work on figuring out exactly what's going on in his head. You said he's "working on a girl" and is crying about it to you. Is he sleeping with her or just has a huge crush? Because I had "crushes" on tons of chicks in college, especially ones that were totally unavailable. But nothing (usually) happened with them, by design. And when I found a girl that would put up with me, she was convinced I was just damaged, and that's why I demanded we take it slow and not sleep with each other, and why I always had to be drunk to do anything.

    My point is, guys will go to great lengths to hide themselves if that's what they feel they must do. And he's rushing a frat, so to him, that's probably the wrong time to start belting out the Dreamgirls soundtrack. You say your frat is open-minded, but not all the brothers are, and if they are, then you're incredibly lucky.

    Again, with what you described, I would not rule anything out.

    EDIT: You should take him as your little if it's not too late. You guys clearly click, regardless of any sexual outcomes.
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    Mar 28, 2009 2:12 AM GMT
    Ow. I empathize with you. I had a best friend in college who I did everything with. We mountain-biked, rowed, partied, and lived together 24x7. He was my absolute best friend. And I completely fell for him. I had recently outed myself to him and he even shared with me that he had wondered what it would be like to be with a guy (ding! ding! ding!) Soon after that, one night when we had been drinking, I told him how I felt about him and tried to kiss him. He dodged the kiss but still hung out with me and we talked until late in the night. I woke up in his bed the next morning...but he was in mine. It was never the same after that. He didn't drop me as a friend or anything but he definitely pulled back because he felt that anything too close would be misinterpreted. I have often thought of that whole episode and thought that I was both glad that I had "gone for it" and also sad that I had gone over the line and irrevocably changed a fantastic friendship.

    If your friend is straight and chasing women, then consider yourself lucky to have such an amazingly close friendship. Hopefully he may even be your biggest advocate, supporter, and "shoulder to cry on" as you go out in the world and break your heart a few times with guys.

    The whole idea of "well, *maybe* he's gay too..." is just fantasy. I would definitely out myself to him but also continue to be the best friend I could be to the guy and not expect any more than that. It's already a lot. Having a great best friend like that is priceless! Be careful what you might throw away.

    Good luck!

  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Mar 28, 2009 2:57 AM GMT
    You said, you fell for him, you enjoy his company and you might love him. But you dont said one things that matter. Do you sexually attracted to him. Do you have a hard on looking at him. If you do that you are bi, if you dont , you are a straight guys who find an wonderful straight friend. It just friendship between 2 men.
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    Mar 28, 2009 3:31 AM GMT
    again, hella replies. tnx guys! appreciate it...

    About my sexuality... I guess I have wondered before about sex with guys before but NEVER have I got hard on while doing it. I have thought of doing a threesome with a friend but never just me and a dude. And I don't mind making out with one (while doing threesome), then talk about it the day after. I find that kinda exciting. But really, nothing serious. and YES, he is the only reason why I think Im bi. It's actually hella stupid but I thought about hanging out more with one of our friends to see if he gets jealous.. hehe. idk... It's really hard coz I want more of him...

    About his sexuality... it's a mix. but the vast majority of you guys think he is not bi or gay... he is str8! one of u guys said that:

    "When you like someone a lot, or love them, you see things that you want to see. Indicators that he might be bi might only be that way because you want them to be"... that struck me.... maybe that's true.. it sucks but that might be it.. FML!

    And to answer that one question... YES, he is my little. we got really close even before he knew too. Also, about him and the girl. They had a fling but never in official. Now, she turned into a slut... literally. She leads him on and then ignores him later or go and bone another guy after they hook up. They usually only hook up when they are BOTH drunk..it's sad.

    idk... I think I'll just wait it out and see maybe it will fade away. But I fear that it won't as in our situation, we will just be hanging out even more.

    I think Im just gonna keep it to myself and treat him as I do right now. Maybe just wait til he becomes a brother and then see where it goes...this sux..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2009 4:18 AM GMT
    If he is not bi, you risk losing his friendship, because he may think, you did all this kindness just to get him into bed, it's been done before.

    Find out more if you can.

    When i was almost 30 I had a kid 17 year old kid say to me:
    if ever I do it with a guy it would be you!
    I laughed,and told him to come back when he was 21. Thinking it would be the end of it. He did come back when he was 21.

    So maybe drop a line, if I was ever going to have a try with a guy, it would be you. See the reaction. You have not put on the hard word, and it still gives you room to move.

    Just a thought.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Mar 28, 2009 4:38 AM GMT
    First off, I think it's important for you not to worry about the bi label. It doesn't really matter whom you like, guy or girl. In fact, by the way you describe yourself, you seem to be a straight guy (a Kinsey 2) who just happens to like this one particular guy. There's nothing wrong with that.

    As a fraternity guy myself, who fell for his big brother in the house, I kinda know where you are coming from. My big bro happened to be out and he was the first person I came out to in the house. I just assumed because he was gay he'd be into me as well. Didn't work that way and it really strained our friendship.

    So even if he is bi, doesn't mean he'll necessarily want to get with you. He also seems genuinely in love with his girl, and as his friend, you should realize it's kinda shady to make a move on him while he is still into her.

    It must suck to feel what you do, but I say the best thing to do is think what's best for him if you do love him. At this point, it seems like being his best bud like you have been doing all along is what he needs/wants. Not saying you should discount your feelings, but don't let them impede on your perception of the situation. Anyways, as much as it sucks, at the end of the day I think you much prefer to have him in your life, even if it's just as friends, than to lose him completely. Best of luck bro.
  • Crucializer

    Posts: 389

    Mar 28, 2009 5:51 AM GMT
    Hey, I have a very similar situation going on right now. Your guys' advice has helped me too. Thanks! icon_wink.gif
  • DrobUA

    Posts: 1331

    Mar 28, 2009 8:01 AM GMT
    Tennis_Tom saidhmmm yea it sounds like youre really into him and it also sounds like hes probably straight. you should probably try to ease back a little bit, you dont want to become so involved that you could get hurt.

    is it just him that you find yourself attracted to or are you attracted to any other guys? maybe talking to the gay guy in your frat about what you're feeling would help, im sure he'd keep it confidential.

    btw bromance is a fucking brilliant phrase, im stealing that icon_smile.gif

    best of luck


    DO NOT talk to the gay guys in your frat about it unless you want EVERYONE to know. I learned the hard way that most gay men have very big mouths. (no pun intended)

    As for your problem. Don't hit on him because that could really ruin your relationship. If I were you i'd come out to him (not about you liking him just say that you think you might be bi). If you are as close as you say you are he will keep it between you guys. Sounds like he's probably straight but you never know.. at our age most people are still figuring themselves out. I'm still not even sure about myself. Just put it out there and give him time to digest.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2009 8:08 AM GMT
    Hes straight.. your confuzzled.. take a breather.. and don't say a word to him or anyone else about your interest in him.. Yes.. in life.. you are actually allowed secrets
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2009 11:26 AM GMT
    JohnSmithWe've only known each other for two months... but I can honestly say that he is closest to me in my fraternity. Heck, he's the closest to me in my life right now.


    You know this guy very intensely, but not actually very well. Don't make any life changing decisions until you know him better.

    If he is actually attracted to you, you will get it on. You don't have to do anything, that shit just happens. So chill. It will all become clear in a few months.

    Chances are though, he's straight and you're not. In which case, explore your feelings with guys... with a guy that fancies you back.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Mar 28, 2009 11:35 AM GMT
    Ugh .... This is always the problem with being in the closet about your sexuality
    You can't turn off the emotional needs you have so easily
    Of course you can't tell this guy ... unless he comes to you first
    You're gonna have to buck up and move onto something else
    If you really value this guy's friendship try to see if you can just remain friends if you can't do that
    Move on and save yourself a world of hurt