Does monogamy eventually equate into codependency?

  • kinetic

    Posts: 1125

    Mar 28, 2009 6:14 PM GMT
    Just a thought I had last night.
    If so, is that healthy?
    Or isn't monogamy by nature a form of codependency because you would be relying on your partner alone for love and affection??

    This is doing my head in!
    Any thought?
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    Mar 28, 2009 6:29 PM GMT
    This is shootin' from the hip, but I'd say that's like asking if cell growth leads to cancer.
    It can, but only in a pathological form.
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  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Mar 28, 2009 6:43 PM GMT
    I can't imagine why this would be "doing your head in."
    I suppose that monogomy is co-dependency.
    But, that's what some people want.
    Isn't marriage a form of co-dependency ?

    I think that, especially for men, monogomy is against our nature in that most male animals are programmed to "spread their seed" as widely as possible, for the purpose of procreation and keeping the species from becoming extinct. Yes, I am aware that gay men rarely procreate. Regardless, the urge for multiple partners is there.

    Guys who are afflicted with jealousy and/or low self esteem probably insist on monogomy out of fear of losing their mate.

    Studies have shown that married people tend to live longer than unmarried people. Being married gives you less opportunities to stray. Also, marriage gives you regularity of eating and sleeping habits, and, hopefully, a sense of fufillment from having someone to love and care for and having someone to return the favor. But, then, people with pets get somewhat the same effects (Minus the sex, in most cases. LOL)

    For me, monogomy is boring. I don't know how you can have sex with the same person over and over until it's more of a chore than a thrill. Of course there are exceptions to everything.
  • kinetic

    Posts: 1125

    Mar 28, 2009 10:20 PM GMT
    Well, the reason why this is 'doing my head in' is because I am going through a break-up. It may seem easy or simple to some but for me its complicated.

    I keep thinking how friends/family/therapists have all told me that codependency is unhealthy.
    I feel like at this point in my life I shouldn't be trying to be with another (as in monogamy) until I am in a better place myself; or rather my partner is at least as able to independently function as I am... My reasoning being that codependency is said not to be healthy -I want to be able to take care of myself and not have to rely on anyone else.

    So, when I think of monogamy as in relying on another for something, it brings me to 'codependency', which brings me to 'unhealthy'; which 'does my head in'
    all because eventually, I think thats what I want.
    *SIGH* -That was a mouthful!

    So as its all well and good if you know where you stand, I'm still a little confused about myself..
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  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 28, 2009 10:27 PM GMT
    I think monogamy is about sharing certain aspects of yourself with one person exclusively, not relying on them. You can have a wide circle of friends and have interests you don't have in common with that person.

    There is only one person you can rely on for your happiness - you.

    I think that many people, especially in the gay community, see monogamy as the social equivalent of dropping off the face of the earth.
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    Mar 28, 2009 11:01 PM GMT
    What I'd love to do to the op
    8483d-SLAP.jpg

    When will people learn, promiscuity is not because you have too, but because you want too.. you have the choice.. you can choose to not be a raging little whore who can't be trusted....
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    Mar 29, 2009 2:28 AM GMT


    Here kinetic, perhaps this will help...

    "What are some of the symptoms?

    * controlling behavior
    * distrust
    * perfectionism
    * avoidance of feelings
    * intimacy problems
    * caretaking behavior
    * hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger)
    * physical illness related to stress"

    On the website they point out that interdependence sometimes appears to look like co-dependency.

    It isn't.



    http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm
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    Mar 29, 2009 2:37 AM GMT

    If single, are you then co dependant on your trixx for affection and love, course not. Why would it then be any different if you can roll over in the middle of the night and get you some?
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    Mar 29, 2009 2:44 AM GMT
    What is so wrong with relying on someone else for something you can't possibly have alone?
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    Mar 29, 2009 7:32 AM GMT
    No, you can be a complete and total unemotionally involved slut, and still be completely codependent. That may be because you're seeking validation or approval from others by way of having anonymous sex with others. A codependent person does not sit well with themself unless they have the validation of others.

    From what I understand the way codependency in a relationship might work is that there will be a doer and a done for. The doer will do everything soley for the purpose of making sure the done for is happy. What the doer gets out of it is the feeling of being needed, and feeling validated. It's like a drug for them, it's what brings them up. Codependency is very common in addicts families as the addict has their drug of choice, and addict becomes the family's drug because they revolve their lives, their moods, and everything around "helping" the addict.
  • junknemesis

    Posts: 682

    Mar 29, 2009 7:49 AM GMT
    Do we even know what the medical/psycological condition of "Codependancy" actually is? I don't. I'm going to look it up later cause I think we may have a misunderstanding of definition here.

    Kind of like how so many people mess up using the word "Irony" wrong.
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    Mar 29, 2009 3:39 PM GMT

    All the monogomous couples I observe are definitely stronger for it. They are like a force, one to be reckoned with. If the eventuality of monogomy is that you finish eachother's sentences or feel eachother's pain, does that then negate the partner's individuality? Sounds to me an awe inspiring union can result. Lol, some gay couples are like that, kinda matrix twinnish, but we thought they were cool, didn't we.
    ......................Matrix Twins Pictures, Images and Photos

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    Mar 29, 2009 3:57 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]Webster666 said[/cite]I can't imagine why this would be "doing your head in."
    I suppose that monogomy is co-dependency.
    But, that's what some people want.
    Isn't marriage a form of co-dependency ?

    I think that, especially for men, monogomy is against our nature in that most male animals are programmed to "spread their seed" as widely as possible, for the purpose of procreation and keeping the species from becoming extinct. Yes, I am aware that gay men rarely procreate. Regardless, the urge for multiple partners is there.9quote]


    If you want to play the evolutionary argument here: Females of many species have an interest in copulating with multiple male partners so that the sperm that inseminates her egg is the most compatible with a healthy offspring.

    In some speices, females have sperm-storage sacks that allow her to store sperm for weeks or even months. Eventually, her body will select from among this sperm the most winning suitor.

    i.e., it's time to update your evolutionary account to a more proper, contemporary 'feminist' reading of reproduction
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    Mar 29, 2009 4:06 PM GMT


    Well, for us, our monogamous relationship means blending and meshing.

    Theodore Sturgeon coined the expression, "bleshing".

    Are either of us diminished or each less of an individual because of it? . Nope, the opposite, we're each free to express ourselves to the other in ways that we couldn't with friends, family, or dates.

    The total (relationship) is greater than the sum of its parts.

    Bread plus ham makes a ham sandwich. (lousy analogy, but we have to go - off to Mom's acreage to help her out) Each are great on their own, but put 'em together and....




    -us guys
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    Mar 29, 2009 5:10 PM GMT
    cjcscuba1984 saidWhat is so wrong with relying on someone else for something you can't possibly have alone?


    Nothing is wrong with that at all. It is hard, especially for me, to acknowledge that I can't do everything alone.
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    Mar 29, 2009 5:58 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidWhat I'd love to do to the op
    8483d-SLAP.jpg

    When will people learn, promiscuity is not because you have too, but because you want too.. you have the choice.. you can choose to not be a raging little whore who can't be trusted....


    I love your no bs advice, lilTanker. Glad to have ya back.
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    Mar 29, 2009 6:23 PM GMT
    Hmmm...well...if monogamy equals codependency for YOU, kinetic, then yeah, it's probably not healthy. Definition check, eh? I think you need to reevaluate and give a nod to meninlove for his reference to interdependence. Both said, your view will be determinant of how 'healthy' your relationship is, regardless of label.

    Meanwhile, let me laugh you, Webster666, off the face of the planet. Monogamy against our nature? So, let me get this 'straight'...you find that you are a product of your reptilian brain and the bulk of that other gray matter is, uh, doing what for you? Personally, I don't find the comparison to the animal kingdom at large relevant as a more complex brain and higher cognitive functioning does equal, at very LEAST, a choice in our actions. Sure, maybe there's an evolutionary relevance to spreading your seed, as it were, but for your argument to be based in this 'mindless' reference is laughable at best and discounts, or not, what's between your ears.

    That said, if monogamy works for you...great...if not, great also! I lend myself to the former ideology but don't particularly worry about what others do, you know? Just don't promote stupidity in promoting your thoughts, eh?

    LOL kudos to lilTanker. icon_lol.gif
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    Mar 29, 2009 6:57 PM GMT
    kenetic, purhaps your thinking too hard about all this because right now your so close to 'the problem'. Every couple finds their own comfort zone of 'codependence', its natural as breathing, if you meet someone next week after you leave your current boyfriend and over the next few weeks come to enjoy this new guy, and he you. Then you will find yourselves naturally gravitating to things you do better, and things he does better to equal the two of you out as a couple, what could be better? The two of you become better than one of you alone are, what a good deal that comes from it for both of you. So don't strain so much about that word codependence, its the natural way of relationships. But lets say you quit work to totally depend on your guy you've only known two months, that may be unhealthy dependence. But even on that subject, there comes a time in relationships that a partner should be able to be relied on even in such a way, because life circumstances may bring a need for such reliance on you, if then you cannot rely on them they aren't worth having around. A married man has a wife to rely on to lets say, stay home to take care of the kids and their mutual home and she relies on his 'bringing home the bacon'. that is normal, it is not unhealthy, its the way of relationships and loving partnerships. Put that word out of your vocabulary as being a problem where it comes to a partner you grow to love.
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    Mar 29, 2009 7:27 PM GMT
    kinetic saidJust a thought I had last night.
    If so, is that healthy?
    Or isn't monogamy by nature a form of codependency because you would be relying on your partner alone for love and affection??

    This is doing my head in!
    Any thought?
    icon_question.gif


    I don't know. For gay guys this is a particularly difficult issue because while we can find other gay men who are great to talk to and lots of fun to be around, rarely do we find each other sexually compatible - it's difficult to find a gay guy who is a leader, takes charge, masculine, confident, etc - so it's as if other gay guys are great for friendships, emotional connections, that kind of intimacy (much like women have with other women I guess) but many gay guys fantasize about guys who are not gay generally, and sexually that's what turns them on. So since a lot of us weren't given proper or enough information on how to date during those developmental years when one learns these things, the lines are blurred - lots of times you fall in love with this guy when really he's more like a best friend that maybe you kiss once in a while and that's about it. But after a while that urge to look at straight college guys naked online comes back, and you discover your relationship wasn't exactly what you thought it was. I think there are a lot of gay relationships where there is definitely a high level of commitment and emotional intimacy, but sexually, not much. Contrary to what most people believe, gay men don't necessarily sleep with anything male - our imaginations and fantasies might run wild, but real life, at least I don't see it happening. I see a lot of gay guys who wished that the straight guys they've been fantasizing about their entire lives would show up in the gay world somewhere. The hard part is while we are really good at making friends and getting close/attached, sexual chemistry is much more on/off with men. You can't make it happen - you can't force yourself to be sexually attracted to a gay man simply because you're gay and he's gay. But I think a lot of times we mistake a great friendship for what we hoped would morph into this 'lifelong partner' and begin the relationship with very high expectations that we've never seen in other gay couples (who tell the truth) lives.

    I think codependency happens a lot with us because (and this sounds silly but hear me out) we came out, and if nothing else, our consolation prize should be that we get to at least be with another guy so we have something to show for all that hard work. Being gay and alone for more than a decade sucks - it's like having a drivers license and no car. Or a masters degree and never finding a decent job. So if we can't find someone we are emotionally and sexually attracted to over time, we will at least find someone to split the rent with and 'hang out' with. The real problem begins when you lead the other guy on for a long time and avoid the sexual subject all together - is when feelings get deeply hurt and that's why a lot of our breakups are the kind where you never see or hear from the guy again, and he doesn't even acknowledge you on the street. Which makes me wonder if emotional infidelity hurts even more than sexual infidelity.
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    Mar 29, 2009 8:44 PM GMT
    Teamwork isn't codependency.

    kinetic> I think of monogamy as in relying on another for something, it brings me to 'codependency'

    You rely upon the grocer for milk and on lots of other people for many other things... yet you'd never suggest that this is a codependent relationship.

    I'd postulate that if you don't rely on your partner for somethings... that would be an unhealthy relationship, one lacking trust among other things.

    Codependency does not mean two people who depend on each other. According to the web-site below, it is also known as "relationship addiction", relationships which are "are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive."

    http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/go/codependency