Do your ex's come back for more too?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 25, 2007 8:21 AM GMT
    I think something is psychologically not right with me, or some of the guys that i have dated. why?

    They appear out of nowhere. We've said goodbye. And, some time passes, and they have to give me a call in the middle of the night or something.

    Do you have any ideas what causes this?

    How do I avoid the ex?

    Should I answer?

    When he's standing at my door, do I close it?


    Let me know...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 25, 2007 2:42 PM GMT
    Aaron,

    Unless you want this type of attention, I think you pretty much know the answer to your queries.

    To drop by without calling and the impromptu phone calls in the middle of the night is just rude.

    That's only ok in the event of ab emergency.
    You're you're nolonger together.

    WTH!

    Sounds like the ex has turned into a "stalker" that's never good a thing.

    Tell him "stop" no more phone no more "drop-bys".

    You're done.

    Good Luck!
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Oct 25, 2007 3:44 PM GMT
    My ex do that sometimes. He will call me and ask to have sex. Sometimes just to chat. Especially when his current bf is abroad. I dont mind it very much. Eventhough tnere is no love anymore between us but sex with him is always great. I enjoy having sex with him , even though we no longer a couple. He expect me to lied about it if his bf find out. I guess I play along. After all what do I got to lose.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 25, 2007 3:47 PM GMT
    So you never get horny enuf to do stupid stuff like sniff out an old fuck bud?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 25, 2007 4:02 PM GMT
    I have had a few problems with this before and what you do depends on one person. YOU. If there is no more feelings between you two to complicate things, or no possibility of getting back together; why the hell not, ex sex is freakin awesome, lol. Few people know what you like better than someone you were with for some time.

    Now herein lies the problem. If either of you still harbor feelings for the other one, sleeping together can really make things difficult and confusing. If I even had the slightest bit of feeling left for an ex, then I would follow Pheonix's advice. Tell them no more stopping by, no more phone calls. And if that doesn't work, you may have to completely ignore them for a short time until enough time has passed that if you wanted to, you could be friends with them.

    I was the one who slept with my ex last time I was in FL visiting and now he has been calling me more and more talking about all the good times we shared together. But that is a whole different thread. OOPS! Good luck man.
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    Oct 25, 2007 4:54 PM GMT
    When I saw an ex of mine and couple years out in public and we met and talk about old times and he wanted to and I passed.

    He was with someone else and so was I at the time. I was insulted that he thought I would cheat. It just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.

    He had his chance and he blew it. I could never be that horny to have sex with an ex.
    You that's just me!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 25, 2007 5:29 PM GMT
    Depends on your relationship afterward - good or bad?
    Why did you break up, etc..

    I am on very good relations with several of my Ex's.

    Before I met my partner I occasionally had sex with some of the Ex's. Why not - we still liked each other, enjoyed the sex, etc.

    I just drew the line if I was seeing someone else seriously at the time.

    My partner says I collect strays though...

    People - including my Ex's - are frequently calling in the middle of the night to see if they can come over to talk. Some just show up at the door. Its a rare month that someone doesn't come by.

    Most just want to come by to talk, have a drink with a friend, crash for the night (sometimes longer), whatever.

    But then I am very non territorial; if you are a friend, what's mine is yours. Just the way I have always lived. My partner needs more structure, so we have had to draw some limits that we can both live with.

    The question is do you want to avaoid the Ex? That answer will tell you if you should answer the door or not. Just be sure that he is not there because he is using you on a regular basis because he can't get what he wants elsewhere.

    R

  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Oct 25, 2007 9:20 PM GMT
    Depends on if you're really done or not

    ...cause if you're ...done
    you'd simply say - What are you calling me for?
    if you're done ...when he shows up at your door

    You'd act as surprised as hell and say.. "Wow, how come you're here...you shoulda called first."

    ..If you're done
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 25, 2007 9:45 PM GMT
    Try saying no for a change. Slut.
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    Oct 25, 2007 11:20 PM GMT
    With the exception of two of my ex's, I've been able to remain friends with them. A few have tried to come back for more... either wanting to try the relationship thing again or just for a hook-up. My answer is always no. Why? Two reasons... 1)They've already had their chance and they fucked it up... otherwise, they wouldn't be ex's in the first place... and 2) We've been able to work through everything and remain friends... not fuck buddies... not friends with benefits... friends. Period. It took a lot of work to be able to be friends in the first place after being so much more previously. I'm not interested in crossing that line back in the other direction. Unless its some kind of emergency/crisis situation, showing up at the door uninvited or calling in the middle of the night is just rude. It would make me feel taken for granted, and I'd likely hang up or close the door in their face. They should know me better than that, considering our history.

    What is acceptable to you? Do you want to cross the line again, bring up old feelings and deal with the consequences? Are you ok with just a hook-up with any of these guys, or would you want more? Do you want to avoid him? Why did you break up? Are you really done with the relationship or not?
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    Oct 27, 2007 5:55 AM GMT
    Aaron, I had an ex, who thought for years we were going to get back together. He went to live w/ new lover..when I pushed away,it got really embarassing for "my new partner". So,I don;t have any social things to do with him or take his calls..and he is an alcoholic.."they never get the message"..be wise and smart.(unless its just a trick for the nite..hehe)
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Oct 27, 2007 6:21 AM GMT
    Unless you get some self-respect and ignore your ex's advances, he'll keep coming back for easy, no-strings sex.

    You're worth more than that. So tell him to bugger off.

    Lozx
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    Oct 27, 2007 7:01 AM GMT
    I totally agree with some of what everyone has said in response. With the exception of the guy telling me to 'not be a slut'. I think that was an average response. So, I chatted with all three of my ex's and told them to 'bugger off'. Thanks for the insightful, friendly advice icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 29, 2007 10:09 PM GMT
    It sounds as though you have trouble setting what psychologists call "boundaries." I do too, especially with my ex-partners. It appears you're no longer physically attracted or emotionally connected with your ex's. If that's the case, be blunt. Tell them you're not interested and remind them how inappropriate late-night phone calls and unannounced visits to your place are. If they persist, take your phone off the hook at bedtime, and don't answer the door when they arrive at your home.

    On the other hand, if you're still physically attracted to them, enjoy a no-strings night of sexual frollicking.

    I feel somewhat hypocrital offering that advice because I've only had mixed luck dealing with two ex-partners I have lost ALL physical attraction to. One of them has a major muscle fetish, and I find it virtually impossible to refuse his requests, which could be more accurately described as begging, for me to do cheesy bodybuilder poses (which I loathe because they make me feel like a narcissist and an exhibitionist) while he masturbates in my bed. We don't have any physical contact, but the scene still creeps me out. I also find it hard to turn him down because he is always so grateful...plus he fixes my computer for free. LOL

    I've had better luck setting boundaries with another ex, although not until enduring three grotesque encounters with him, which if they had taken place between strangers would amount to sexual assault. This ex is a brilliant conversationalist, and I have maintained a platonic relationship with him for that reason, even though my sexual attraction to him has evaporated. Until recently, it was easy to keep the relationship platonic because he is in a mongamous relationship - or so he claimed.

    But on three separate occasions recently, he showed up at my door unannounced. While we were sitting on the couch in my living room, having a nice chat about Constitutional law (he's an attorney), he suddenly ripped off my shirt and jumped on top of me. He's a skinny geek, and I teach martial arts, so I didn't feel in any danger because I could have easily stopped the assault. Instead, I just sat there motionless until he got bored by my lack of reciprocity, and then we returned to chatting about whether or not the First Amendment guarantees private gun ownership.

    This happened two more times, and I finally had the long overdue epiphany that his behavior demonstrated a grotesque lack of respect. When I asked him how he reconciled his promise to be monogamous with his current lover (for whom he had dumped me!) with his sexual overtures toward me, his nonsensical response was, "I was just flirting with you." I told him that if he had done that to a woman, she would have had him arrested for attempted rape.

    As much as I had enjoyed chatting with him about whether school vouchers violate the First Amendment's separation of church and state, et al., I finally read the writing on the wall, which said, "You lack all self-respect if you continue to let this guy use you as his private sexual buffet." And so I regretfully ended all contact with him, although I still miss our discussions about whether King George II's untreated alcoholism explains the madness of his adventure in Iraq.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2007 4:49 PM GMT
    ShreddedBeef, if your friend is an Attourney and he is debating if the first amendment guarantees a right to the private citizen to bear arms, he's probably a worse attourney than he is a move-maker ;)