Thoughts of an April’s Fool…

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    Apr 01, 2009 10:47 PM GMT

    It’s almost half past one in the morning of April 2nd and yesterday was not as jinxed as I anticipated it to be. Like any jokester, April Fools’ Day is a time when I get to be serious with introspection that I am compelled to finally sit down and write something about it that can be best shared here on RJ, rather than ‘home’, that is, my Facebook.

    This actually started after my FB account got reactivated after I agreed to use my real full name, as per their terms of service. How it got deactivated is a different story that involved clicking the playback icon. Anyway, since my Facebook got renewed with my name, my former schoolmates whom I haven’t seen for as long as 25 years, found me easily. It was an amazing feeling until the novelty of the thrill wore off. We have evidently taken different paths in life, and I always thought that as long as you made it on Facebook, life is generally okay (other factors leading to it such as availability of computer from where they are, internet connection, etc. I take into account).

    Since I’ve been spending more time online, I get to browse each of their profiles and find it amusing that some of their kids are already about to finish secondary school, it’s scary! Though it annoys me that they would put up photos of their children instead of their own, I kept that to myself and just (try to) be happy for them.

    This got me thinking about my life. I’ve had my fair (and even unfair sometimes) share of ups and downs, highs and lows, but am I missing something here? They got married, they have kids and have endured being spouses and parents. Yes, they fell in love early on and took the plunge and they’re still together keeping it together. Now I think, hypothetically, if found a man who I decided to settle with back in the day, would I still be with him at present? I have always had this Gloria Estefan Pepsi song ingrained in my head back in my teens that we “seal our faith with the choices we make” and that you will always be a product of your choices and decisions. It’s just they chose to get married and become parents, and I chose to be fabulous. Is that being selfish?

    Whenever I hear about their problems, I tend to lose patience sometimes because I know mine is nothing compared to their “real life” obstacles whether it be in parenting, fidelity or other “grown up” issues. Other stuff, I can take to: like work and career, higher studies, travels, etc. I tend to just rationalize that whatever obstacles they have are products of their choices—not mine and I don’t want to have a part of it, thank you very much. It’s just that should I apologize if I worry about Kylie Minogue’s new single if it’s going to be a hit, rather than how would my married friends find ways to put their families’ next meal on the table? I know this is extreme analogy, but you, as a gay man who was single at some point, would get my drift.

    Now should I succumb to their teasing how I may be filthy rich (if they only knew! HA!) by now since I have been in the Middle East in the last 8 years without going home and have managed to build a house back in the Philippines and that I only have my mum to support and stuff. Although I know I can get away sounding so superficial to friends who know me well, it sometimes make me uncomfortable thinking that I may make some of them struggle, making myself appear arrogant. Like for example, getting that promotion and raise (which I sooooo deserve if you’ve been a witness to some threads I created last year that was work-related), just as when a lot of my friends and close acquaintances were losing their jobs. Now I can’t even write a status update on Facebook to ask if BOSE system is still worth buying or I’m considering spending my 35th birthday in the Carribean or something.
    Not to get me wrong, but I do love my friends and care for them dearly, but how far should I be responsible for them, apart from being their “In Case Of Emergency” person (to those who are in UAE, anyway). Is this because I’m single and assumed to be devoid of worries? Sheesh!

    Yes, I consider myself lucky and blessed and am grateful for it, but nothing came easy. Gosh, I do not even rent my own flat here and I’ll be 35 next month! Yes, I may not have suffered raising children (which they claim is worth it) though I reckon I’d be an irresponsible one. But who knows? It’s not a choice I made. Yet. But my point is, I have my own sacrifices and hardships but it’s just not my style to lay it on the table, only the lack of sex, which is understandable. It’s just maybe, because we’re gay, we have an innate superhuman capability to mask our big and small hurts and all the shit that goes with it, we are subjected to in each day that God makes. You know what I mean.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2009 10:49 PM GMT

    This reminds me of the day I came out to my mum on my 30th birthday via an angry sms when she really made my blood boil as she wished that I already find the right woman very soon so I can give her a grandchild and “for my life to finally have direction”??? WHAT THE FUCK!!! To think I have just renewed my loan to send money home to fix the house I built she has to herself, that I haven’t even step foot in! Renewing loan means staying much longer here than planned: from the original 2 years to my 8th this coming May 26th ...and haven’t gone home since. Looking back, I don’t think I have completely forgiven her for it. I don’t know. It made living away from home much more bearable.

    On an earlier note, it was important to me that Fable came here to visit, that given his 84 hours here in Dubai, he managed to meet some of my close friends and acquaintances and see for himself how I really am in person and how my relationships with them transcends from being just the single dimension pictures on RJ and Facebook to witnessing them first hand.

    It’s funny that I could relate more to teenagers rather than people my age who seem to have lost their precious inner child to maliciousness, jadedness and overall indifference, while growing up. This is what inspired me to talk about beauty in people when their guards are down.

    To me, life is not really that complicated at all. It’s just a matter of choice if we want it to be or not. And I just choose to be happy and look after myself. And maybe –just maybe, someday, he who I can look after and him to look after me will come into my life. So until then, I’ll be busy completing myself, molecules and all.

    And I’m so happy to be here on RJ. Hi, Tapper.

    Thanks for reaching this part,
    ZiMsTeR in Dubai xx


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2009 11:01 PM GMT
    You know, I think Facebook is bad. It connects us all up with people we happily lost contact with years ago, and we have to suppress competitive instincts while they stick up photos of expensive foreign holidays etc etc.

    Introspection is good though. Keep it up. icon_wink.gif
  • cbrett

    Posts: 609

    Apr 01, 2009 11:42 PM GMT
    zimster what a cool read mate i fully understand u but i think i have lost my innerchild but im slowly trying to him again