Breaking up with the Boyfriend because of lying .... Is breaking up with him because of the loss of trust too harsh? I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing.

  • code_joe

    Posts: 107

    Apr 02, 2009 6:36 PM GMT
    So I once again found my boyfriend of two years posting ads on Craigslist for hookups. This is the third time I have found him doing it. I twas for a specific night that I was out backpacking. He tells me that he hasn't ever actually cheated on me.
    The past two times when I have confronted him about it he had lied to me about it. Saying he hadn't been on craigslist.
    I told him last time that it happened that the problem I had was the lying and not the looking around. I told him it was a matter of trust for me and that I felt like I had lost it with him. I was going to leave him then but I ended up sticking around. I told him I don't know how to rebuild trust but I would sure try as long as I could.
    Well this weekend I found that he had created a new email account and posted the new ad for after he got off work while I was on my backpacking trip. When I asked him if he had been on craigslist or any other site he said he hadn't That is when I told him I couldn't do it anymore and that I knew he had been on there. I'm staying with my friend now until next week when I plan to move back home (I moved to Phoenix for him).

    Am I being too harsh on this? Should I be sticking with him? or am I doing the right thing by splitting up? Would the lying be enough for you to split up with someone?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2009 6:56 PM GMT
    To play devil's advocate... how do you know the ads were his? Suspicion isn't proof...


    Now, assuming you have a good reason to know it was him...
    Whether he hooked up with anyone on there or not isn't the issue. The fact that he's putting up ads and is currently looking around means he just hasn't found anyone hot enough to hook up with, but I'm sure he would have if the right opportunity had come along.

    If I found out my boyfriend had lied to me consistently (3 times about the same issue is consistently, IMO), I'd dump him in a heartbeat. When it comes to honesty, I don't really play around (unless it's one of those "Do these pants make my ass look fat?" ones. Lie your heart out). There are plenty of good guys out there who won't lie to you, so no need wasting time on one who will. Don't worry about being too harsh. He's trying to hook up behind your back, which could lead to you catching something if he does. Stand your ground and be harsh. At least you're never going to have to see this guy again.


    Either way, what's done is done. If you can't trust him, whether he's actually lying to you or not, it's not going to work out. Sounds like it's beyond time to move on, and not look back.
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    Apr 02, 2009 6:59 PM GMT
    If this is proven true, dump him.
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    Apr 02, 2009 7:03 PM GMT
    Red_Vespa saidIf this is proven true, dump him.


    And if it isn't true, you clearly aren't ready for a relationship, and you should dump him.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Apr 02, 2009 7:16 PM GMT
    No, just be lucky you found out when you did. Or you could have went I Spy on him, and set up a meet up with him, then you could have caught him red handed. Either way you would still end in the same position, dump him or keep him. I think you made a wise choice. Three strikes and your out!!!
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    Apr 02, 2009 7:18 PM GMT
    if this is the third time...dump him, it will never stop!

    sorry!
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Apr 02, 2009 7:18 PM GMT
    Plus he's insane for cheating on a guy like you!!! I just checked out your profile your a hottie!!!!
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    Apr 02, 2009 7:18 PM GMT
    Erm.. how did you find out? Were you on Craigslist?


    I would not put up with the lies.
  • code_joe

    Posts: 107

    Apr 02, 2009 7:23 PM GMT
    First time I found out I was on his computer fixing it for him and found emails. Second time I noticed he had installed yahoo messenger and had a new yahoo email account .. it had it set to automatically sign in so I went in and looked at the emails and found them in the trash can there. Third time he had set up yet another email address this time with GMail and I found the emails in the trash there too. So no doubt it's him.

    And no I stay off of craigslist. I come on here and on Connexion.org. Both of those sites he knows about and had the usernames and passwords so he could check up on me at any point.

    .... Also, It's my spare laptop he uses to do it all on.
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    Apr 02, 2009 7:26 PM GMT
    I think your relationship has trust issues - passwords and such being known to each other. If you can't trust each other's privacy, then why are you still together. End the relationship and move on.
  • code_joe

    Posts: 107

    Apr 02, 2009 7:29 PM GMT
    I gave him my passwords so he knew he didn't have anything to worry about with me being on here. I know he has some insecurities and he'll admit it.

    And yes ... without the trust I can't do a relationship. Which is why I split up with him a few days ago when I found the third time. I still have all my stuff there and will go in next Thursday to get it all and move back to Utah.
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    Apr 02, 2009 7:30 PM GMT
    Dump the mother fucker.

    Assuming the ads you found were his (and if they had his email address that sounds like proof enough) you should have dumped him the first time. The ass hole was either too stupid or too apathetic to care that he left his email address out there for you to find on your laptop.

    You are doing the right thing.
  • code_joe

    Posts: 107

    Apr 02, 2009 7:31 PM GMT
    I didn't just find the email address/ads. What i actually found was all the correspondents between him and other guys.
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    Apr 02, 2009 7:35 PM GMT
    no. no. YES! YES!

    Darling, he's a wanker. Here's something about cheaters, the good ones don't get caught. However, even the most experienced cheater can't reduce circumstantial evidence to none! Here you've got him dead to rights, he's posting ads and not just any ads, but ones for when you are away. That is all you need considering this has happened before. And Craigslist, that's the porta-potty of internet dating or didn't you know!?
    Ofcourse, you can't slight a guy for wanting something, but you can if he goes out looking for it and you surely can if he's being devious about it.

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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2009 7:37 PM GMT
    Dump the dumb mofo, take his pictures, and plaster his likeness, phone number, and email address on every suspected kiddie-porn network in the southwest.
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    Apr 02, 2009 7:45 PM GMT
    zdrew saidDump the dumb mofo, take his pictures, and plaster his likeness, phone number, and email address on every suspected kiddie-porn network in the southwest.


    Oh, I like the way you think, Miss. Twisted.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 02, 2009 7:46 PM GMT
    Well you should have copied the ad and put it here so we could give you more of an objective opinion.

    I have two sets of friends, one partner of one couple doesn't want his partner on ANY gay site (he'd consider RJ a "sex site" and just "know" his partner was on RJ for a hook up). I point out I'm on this social site and I'm not here for any kind of a hook up. Strange how the partner doesn't judge me.. just his partner. I think its overkill and that relationship is doomed eventually.

    The other couple cheats on each other all the time. They have profiles on about every gay site you can imagine (and actually including RJ.. but they aren't ever on here, just their old profiles, since RJ isn't a sex site). They lie so much, the older partner (who is 53, says he's 39 on his RJ profile. Its the most absurd thing in the world.

    I think you need to go with your gut. If you've already talked it through with your partner and he's still doing "craigslist" or whatever and the ad is specifically for sex, time to get rid of him. Its kind of the old "battered woman's syndrome" gay style. Cheat on me once, shame on him.. cheat twice.. shame on me...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2009 7:52 PM GMT
    You're not wrong for dumping his ass and moving back home. I've delt with the same situation in the past where the guy had more than one email address and lied about having more than one site profile. You did the right thing and I commend you for it. I also pat you on the back for having open communication with him even though he did not with you. It sucks, but know in the end your much better for it.
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    Apr 02, 2009 7:55 PM GMT

    Can we get a picture of the boyfriend too? No reason, I already hate him....just wanna see who I hate. That's not him in your profile pics is it?
    A he he, your brother is cute, I thought he was him at first. Seriously though, is that bear guy your partner (licks lips, pulls up CraigsList).
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Apr 02, 2009 8:01 PM GMT
    Lying is a big big deal. I know i have been on the craigslist side. 1 bitten twice shy. Honesty is the only way to live. If you talk and give him permission to have company thats one thing but other than that.. it does call for dissmisal.
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    Apr 02, 2009 8:05 PM GMT
    This is a matter of "TRUST" and "RESPECT" and for the lying he needs to be kicked so hard to the curb!

    what is it with fuckn the gay men?? I don't get it they have a perfectly great man at home but they want there cake and eat it too.

    I come from a long old fashion family that you just don't do that type of shit, for me I like "Monogamy" I rather be alone then deal with this type of bad boyfriend behavior ! enough is a enough.

    we all know they do this and try to lie or hide there BS and games, Men wake the FUCK UP! if you want to fool around and play this BS shit stay fucking single so that the good guys that want to good long term relationship are ready for the right guy that comes along.

    dump his sorry ass send him packing and, do one thing right with it, Im sure there is some guy that wants you for who you are and be ready for something amazing. and not deal with this bad online SHIT!

    in your corner.

    W
  • DanielQQ

    Posts: 365

    Apr 02, 2009 8:11 PM GMT
    Hey code_joe, sorry to hear about all this bullshit your bf is putting you through.

    Just because someone is posting or replying to ads on craigslist doesn't mean they are going to follow through. Some people use the "hunt" fantasy as a way to get off, but never actually meet anyone. That's why CL has such a reputation for being so flakey. Anyway, as you identified, his being on CL wasn't the issue... it's the lying that gets you. I totally feel you, man. Especially since you've already told him point blank that it's not his use of CL but his lying to you that you can't handle. Then the boy goes and makes a new email acct so that he won't get caught, and continues to lie. He can't be trusted.

    You might love him, and you might continue to think about him constantly... this might be one of the hardest things you've done. But you did the right thing by leaving him. DON'T TAKE HIM BACK!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2009 8:12 PM GMT
    take him outside, turn him around take twenty paces back, get up to a really good run and put your foot so far up his arse that hes never gonna walk right again.......
  • code_joe

    Posts: 107

    Apr 02, 2009 8:12 PM GMT
    Well, He was the one that was with me in a few pictures. I thought I took the pictures with him on it out of here. But I guess I need to take a few more off. He is the bearish guy. The one picture of us all dressed up is me and my brother at his wedding.

  • code_joe

    Posts: 107

    Apr 02, 2009 8:15 PM GMT
    And Frankly, I don't know what's up with me. But I don't really have a vengeful bone in my body. I couldn't post his picture around, kick him. I can't even get mad at him. Actually this week since it happened all I can do is worry about him. I just hope he can be happy and better himself. I worry about his financial well being as well as mental well being. He's a great guy other than the whole lying/deceitful/craigslist thing.