Don't ask the "top/bottom" question in the first date!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 07, 2009 9:57 PM GMT
    Why is this question a staple among first-dates? My feeling is it shouldn't be because it suddenly devalues a would-be connection to the purely sexual, and if the person answers wrong then you could miss out on a great person and ruin the date. Does anyone feel the same? Different? Why?
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    Apr 07, 2009 11:07 PM GMT
    I think if you are looking to date someone that shouldnt matter. That turns it into just another trick when someone asks me that. I lose respect for someone when they ask stuff like that on a date. This is the person you may be falling in love with and that just cheapens them.
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    Apr 07, 2009 11:37 PM GMT
    I feel the exact same way.....it sadly cheapens the entire mood and atmosphere.
    Who said we'd fuck anyway?? Just getting to know each other here man!
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    Apr 08, 2009 1:25 AM GMT
    This must be some kind of romantic idealism. Anyone who has fallen in love with a straight man knows the importance of picking sexually compatible people.

    Foresight is not a crime: there are some very cold facts we need to know before allowing ourselves further involvement.
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    Apr 08, 2009 2:24 AM GMT
    bachian saidAnyone who has fallen in love with a straight man knows the importance of picking sexually compatible people.


    This post made me think of relationships with straight guys as well.

    If you were to meet a guy you find attractive and want to get to know, would you ask if he was gay before going out to meet him for a drink or other activity? If you were to ask if he is gay, wouldn't it devalue a would-be connection to the purely sexual?
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    Apr 08, 2009 2:30 AM GMT
    Royalchaos2 saidWhy is this question a staple among first-dates? My feeling is it shouldn't be because it suddenly devalues a would-be connection to the purely sexual, and if the person answers wrong then you could miss out on a great person and ruin the date. Does anyone feel the same? Different? Why?


    well you've answered your own question. If he asks on the first date, he's more interested in a a purely sexual relationship
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    Apr 08, 2009 2:51 AM GMT
    this is tricky. while the typical first date fodder of stats, coming out stories, and the like are less-than-romantic they are essential to a quick evaluation of the man sitting across from you in terms of dating potential. from personal experience i know this question should be at the top of the list because it is very uncomfortable when a romantic relationship that is otherwise working out comes to a screeching halt because both guys want the same thing from each other in bed. asking this question, though it is blunt, can lead to a good friendship if the guy's answer is "wrong."
  • EricPrado

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    Apr 08, 2009 2:56 AM GMT
    Uh, they want to know if you guys are compatible? But I guess if someone asks you it does sort of ruin the date. For some reason I don't mind if it is ever asked online though. Weird.
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    Apr 08, 2009 3:02 AM GMT
    I must admit, I did not think this blog would turn out such good answers. Why dont I meet some of you on the street? So many gay men are so focused on Top vs Bottom.

    Its been said... if its a hookup, maybe. But I dont have anal sex with someone Im hooking up with. Thats just me.

    And... if two people care about each other, dating, maybe in love? The whole top / bottom thing should be irrelevant.

    Look around this site. Lots of hot bodies on here. If two guys from this site could not find enough things to do in bed to enjoy each other sexually, that is just sad.
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    Apr 08, 2009 3:03 AM GMT
    I know that it shouldn't matter and that it should not be bought up on the first, second or even third dates. That getting-to-know-them period is crucial to seeing if they are someone that you would like ot get to know better.

    That being said.. I think it is also utmost important that sexual compatibility is also addressed.

    I entered in a relationship where top/bottom was not discussed even when we were starting to have intimate relations. I get really attracted to this guy. I then find out that he was a Top Only. I am Versatile and even though I thought that I didn't need to top a guy, I am finding out a few years later that the urge to top a guy is so very powerful. So I have put myself into this predicament just because the topic of Top/Bottom wasn't discussed.

    I will make sure next time that I find out long before I get myself trapped..

    Just food for thought.. ;)
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    Apr 08, 2009 3:04 AM GMT
    When a person asks this question, then I know a lot about them psychologically: that they think of sex roles rigidly, that they accept a binary which strikes me as pretty damn silly. So I'm okay with people asking a sexual question, though yeah . . . I guess it's not the classiest thing to do. But this question: that tells me right away we won't be sexually compatible, because they think of sex in (what seems to me) pretty two-dimensional terms.
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    Apr 08, 2009 3:52 AM GMT
    It tells me that anal sex is very important to him and that he has a particular position from which he doesn't vary -- usually bottom.

    I've been told that some bottoms are "hungry bottoms" -- meaning, they derive tremendous pleasure from "deep penetration". These types of guys are driven by their desires to get fucked long and hard, and the matter takes front stage in their romantic interactions.
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    Apr 08, 2009 3:58 AM GMT
    I agree with the notion that people want foresight in a future relationship. I think if the guy asks at the right time or in a way that's not so forward (knowing the consequence of what he's asking) would be acceptable though. What if you go on more dates just to find out that the sexual chemistry probably won't ever be there becase you are both bottoms or both tops?

    I'm not sex driven or crazy about anal sex, and I can easily see myself asking that question to a guy I was interested in...but now, I guess I see that most guys just feel it would mean I'm only looking for sex...and I'm not.

    For those of you assuming traits of a person just by the question they ask...I don't think that's very fair. RunnerBen, I have asked that question to people before to see if THEY thought of sex as a binary thing too, not for my own.
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    Apr 08, 2009 3:59 AM GMT
    MuscleToronto saidIt tells me that anal sex is very important to him and that he has a particular position from which he doesn't vary -- usually bottom.

    I've been told that some bottoms are "hungry bottoms" -- meaning, they derive tremendous pleasure from "deep penetration". These types of guys are driven by their desires to get fucked long and hard, and the matter takes front stage in their romantic interactions.


    Did you want to state any other very accurate facts that have nothing to do with the topic?
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    Apr 08, 2009 4:04 AM GMT
    Jayyp16 said
    MuscleToronto saidIt tells me that anal sex is very important to him and that he has a particular position from which he doesn't vary -- usually bottom.

    I've been told that some bottoms are "hungry bottoms" -- meaning, they derive tremendous pleasure from "deep penetration". These types of guys are driven by their desires to get fucked long and hard, and the matter takes front stage in their romantic interactions.


    Did you want to state any other very accurate and thought of facts that have nothing to do with the topic?



    Read the first question the poster asks.

    icon_eek.gif
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    Apr 08, 2009 4:07 AM GMT
    MuscleToronto said
    Jayyp16 said
    MuscleToronto saidIt tells me that anal sex is very important to him and that he has a particular position from which he doesn't vary -- usually bottom.

    I've been told that some bottoms are "hungry bottoms" -- meaning, they derive tremendous pleasure from "deep penetration". These types of guys are driven by their desires to get fucked long and hard, and the matter takes front stage in their romantic interactions.


    Did you want to state any other very accurate and thought of facts that have nothing to do with the topic?



    Read the first question the poster asks.

    icon_eek.gif


    How did any of the questions in the OP lead you to explain that bottoms are "hungry" bottoms?
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    Apr 08, 2009 4:10 AM GMT
    Jayyp16 saidI agree with the notion that people want foresight in a future relationship. I think if the guy asks at the right time or in a way that's not so forward (knowing the consequence of what he's asking) would be acceptable though. What if you go on more dates just to find out that the sexual chemistry probably won't ever be there becase you are both bottoms or both tops?


    This is my line of thinking. I don't usually ask on the first date though. If it doesn't just happen to come up, I make sure I ask by the third date. Otherwise, it sours your feelings for the person. Also, if you really get into a person before knowing this, you're more likely to settle - something that should definitely be avoided.
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    Apr 08, 2009 4:16 AM GMT
    Jayyp...

    Clearly my observation--which follows logically from my comment around why some guys might want to talk top/bottom on the first date--has upset you.

    I wonder what that's about...Feel free to discuss the issue, maybe start a new thread?

    icon_eek.gif
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    Apr 08, 2009 4:52 AM GMT
    EricPrado saidUh, they want to know if you guys are compatible? But I guess if someone asks you it does sort of ruin the date. For some reason I don't mind if it is ever asked online though. Weird.


    I've only been on one date with a guy. By that time I knew his Grandmother's birthplace, and that he was versatile/bottom.

    So Eric, which are you?
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    Apr 08, 2009 4:57 AM GMT
    ugh... bottom top? who cares? sex is fun with the right person... enjoy it! ps... I agree that if you feel like there is potential for more than just sex, then being a bottom/top doesn't matter...
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    Apr 08, 2009 5:26 AM GMT
    I don't think there's anything wrong with asking a guy that question (granted it usually doesn't happen on the first date - nothing wrong if it does happen though). I know disclosure happens gradually, but relationships are sexual and if it's not a match from the start, why stick around to try and change that person? For example, I know that I don't work well with "total tops" and "total bottoms" in relationships. If someone is rigid in their sexual position, that's fine, I just know it's not for me. It doesn't mean that I have to stop getting to know someone.
  • GQjock

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    Apr 08, 2009 11:02 AM GMT
    Wow .... if someone asked me that question on a first date I'd laugh
    But in my head I'd be saying "What an asshole"
    It's rude .... presuming WAY too much
    and it says more about the guy who asked the question than any info they'd get from asking the question anyway
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    Apr 08, 2009 11:19 AM GMT
    GQjock saidWow .... if someone asked me that question on a first date I'd laugh
    But in my head I'd be saying "What an asshole"
    It's rude .... presuming WAY too much
    and it says more about the guy who asked the question than any info they'd get from asking the question anyway


    I don't follow. Maybe the first date IS too soon, but wouldn't you like to know if you were sexually compatible?

    I'd do whatever my bf wanted as long as it please him--but aren't most gay guys really versitle now?

    I wish there was some sign you could make or wear distingishing which position you like best. Sex is a healthy part of a healthy relationship--some will not comprimise and do the other position it seems to please their partner.

    Didn't they used to go by earrings? Problem with that--you may disreguard a great guys solely because of his prefered sexual position.

    But what do I know... I'm a virgin!
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    Apr 08, 2009 11:33 AM GMT
    THE MOTHER FUCKING ROLL DOESN´T MATTERS...GAY MEN ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ATTRACTED TO OTHER MALES CAUSE WE LIKE MEN...NOT FOR THE ROLL......U DONT HOOK UP WHIT SOMEBODY FOR THE ROLL....THATS NOT LOVE THAT INTEREST
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    Apr 08, 2009 11:42 AM GMT
    cjcscuba1984 said
    GQjock said

    I'd do whatever my bf wanted as long as it please him--but aren't most gay guys really versitle now?



    But what do I know... I'm a virgin!


    has been my experience that most gay guys are bottoms icon_razz.gificon_biggrin.gif. I'm not complaining mind you icon_smile.gif