How old is too old to be closeted?

  • DrobUA

    Posts: 1331

    Apr 08, 2009 8:11 AM GMT
    I'm always lookin for a new reason to get chew'd out so here we go..
    I can't lie about the fact that when I see a profile of someone who is still in the closet past age 25 I immediately judge them. Now I don't try to because there could be extenuating circumstances but I think that after your mid-twenties you should be able to come to terms with your sexuality. By that age most people aren't trying to be in the "cool crowd" so I ask myself why keep lying? I see it as a sign of insecurity. I have yet to hear a good reason. I've heard a lot of "I have to be in the closet because of my job". bullshit. Unless you are the NFL's official prostate examiner then I don't see any job where you're job would be a reason to lie about who you are. I also hear "well I'm bi". Congratulations, so am I.... what's that got to do with being in the closet? If you are married and cheating on your wife you are just as pathetic as a straight guy cheating on his wife. If you really love her you'd grow a sack and tell her who you are. If she loves you she will learn to deal with it. I personally have had a girlfriend since coming out as gay. never used it as an excuse to cheat on her. Man up and tell her. She was happy I told her and it helped establish this crazy thing some relationships have. It's called trust. Sorry I was venting. Ok lets have it. How old is too old to be closeted?

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    Apr 08, 2009 9:29 AM GMT
    aren't you a sad little thing....
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    Apr 08, 2009 9:29 AM GMT
    DrobUA saidI'm always lookin for a new reason to get chew'd out so here we go..
    I can't lie about the fact that when I see a profile of someone who is still in the closet past age 25 I immediately judge them. Now I don't try to because there could be extenuating circumstances but I think that after your mid-twenties you should be able to come to terms with your sexuality. By that age most people aren't trying to be in the "cool crowd" so I ask myself why keep lying? I see it as a sign of insecurity. I have yet to hear a good reason. I've heard a lot of "I have to be in the closet because of my job". bullshit. Unless you are the NFL's official prostate examiner then I don't see any job where you're job would be a reason to lie about who you are. I also hear "well I'm bi". Congratulations, so am I.... what's that got to do with being in the closet? If you are married and cheating on your wife you are just as pathetic as a straight guy cheating on his wife. If you really love her you'd grow a sack and tell her who you are. If she loves you she will learn to deal with it. I personally have had a girlfriend since coming out as gay. never used it as an excuse to cheat on her. Man up and tell her. She was happy I told her and it helped establish this crazy thing some relationships have. It's called trust. Sorry I was venting. Ok lets have it. How old is too old to be closeted?



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    Apr 08, 2009 9:38 AM GMT
    Everyone should be out of the closet before they turn 27.52 years old


    Drob--this is one occasion I disagree with your overall statements.icon_wink.gif
  • NursePractiti...

    Posts: 232

    Apr 08, 2009 10:01 AM GMT
    When I used to work for a photo developing business, I had to be in the closet. The owner made no bones about it, if he found out any, "faggots" worked for him, they were gone. Where I lived at the time there weren't many jobs going around. When I later did children’s photography for a large national company, same thing. Depending on the district. But the state I lived in at the time there was no protection, ( Colorado). My district and territorial manager made a small witch hunt of weeding out any homosexuals in their area. I almost lost my job because my assistant manager tried to out me and HE was gay. He wanted my position. Now I'm a nurse and yes even in the medical field there are hiring and floor managers who have said outright, "no homosexuals will work here." Until there are national laws protecting sexual orientation status, some of us must be in the closet for our jobs. I am fortunate now to be at a hospital where no one really gives a hoot so no I am not currently in the closet on the job. As for my family, I never told them, they just kind of asked and I didn't deny it. I was 24, what business was it of theirs anyway? icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 08, 2009 10:01 AM GMT
    This OP reminds me of fuck turds like Perez Hilton who like nothing more than to out closeted gays because they feel it's their responsibility to tell individuals how they should live their lives. It's the polar opposite of right-wing conservative bullshit.

    DrobUA, I'm grabbing the popcorn. Your post makes me think you're a masochist. Are you? Get on your knees and suck it, you filthy little bitch! Turned on? I thought as much.

    But seriously, it's good to see young bucks such as yourself with this kind of attitude, though it's a bit misguided and unhealthy. I'm sure we'll see fewer closeted gays as more people around the world begin accepting gays in their respective societies, but we're a long way from that.

    It simply isn't as easy for them as it is for guys like yourself.

    Men and women have their reasons for being closeted, but it's almost always because they fear for their reputation, their well being, the well being of their families, their careers, etc. Note that there are PLENTY of states that allow for their residents to be fired from their jobs for being gay, or arrested for sodomy. True story. Look it up.
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    Apr 08, 2009 10:04 AM GMT
    It's not a matter of age alone in my opinion. Sometimes the duration of years lived, to number of years in the closet are more important. Like if I had stayed in the closet, since I discovered my sexuality at 13, would be too long. But if I was any older without coming out, than maybe than I'd be really late on coming out and far from doing myself any real justice, other than enjoying the freedom of that long held secret. But if someone is relatively 'happier' because of their closeted lifestyle, than more power to them. It's their lives, not mine. But, I came out within a year of coming to terms with my sexuality; which only took a week, so I don't think I have much experience, insight or advice for those coming out 'late'.
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    Apr 08, 2009 10:16 AM GMT
    Tapper saidThis OP reminds me of fuck turds like Perez Hilton who like nothing more than to out closeted gays because they feel it's their responsibility to tell individuals how they should live their lives. It's the polar opposite of right-wing conservative bullshit.

    DrobUA, I'm grabbing the popcorn. Your post makes me think you're a masochist. Are you? Get on your knees and suck it, you filthy little bitch! Turned on? I thought as much.

    But seriously, it's good to see young bucks such as yourself with this kind of attitude, though it's a bit misguided and unhealthy. I'm sure we'll see fewer closeted gays as more people around the world begin accepting gays in their respective societies, but we're a long way from that.

    It simply isn't as easy for them as it is for guys like yourself.

    Men and women have their reasons for being closeted, but it's almost always because they fear for their reputation, their well being, the well being of their families, their careers, etc. Note that there are PLENTY of states that allow for their residents to be fired from their jobs for being gay, or arrested for sodomy. True story. Look it up.


    Drob means well. He just probably needs to hear more stories about those who had to stay in the closet to keep their jobs and/or friends and family.
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    Apr 08, 2009 10:26 AM GMT
    I certainly wish that everyone would come out. However, it is a different time now DrobUA. It is far easier, although still difficult, to come out today than it was in the 20th century. You have to remember that the way that things are now is NOT the way they were in the past. Incredible strides have been made in the past few years, but do a little youtube searching for how homosexuals were treated in the 1970s and earlier. You can start with Anita Bryant and work backward.
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    Apr 08, 2009 10:47 AM GMT

    Drob, I think it is entirely up to the person. Why should the person place so much significance in 'coming out'? They may reveal to some like parents and close friends. If you are dealing only with enlightened individuals it is not a problem. But a lot of people remain ignorant.

    It is also a cultural thing. Some cultures place more emphasis on sexuality. Others may place less.

    Personally, I also feel it is incorrect to say 'I'm gay'. I feel it is more correct to say that I have been 'born with a gay orientation'. The "I" consciousness remains separate from the gayness which appears on it. I guess it depends upon the philosophy you adopt.


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    Apr 08, 2009 10:52 AM GMT
    I understand where DrobUA is basing his perspective on. When I first came out, I too had an almost militant attitude about being out. It it really one based on a combination of two things, one is a minimal life experience and the other is the idealistic view that makes him believe that his perspective is thorough.
    He hasn't experienced any of the following examples (and there are more than these):

    A life financially vested and dependent upon a conservative lifestyle and job. One where many people may be dependent on that support.

    Large and/or complex involvement in a religious community where coming out would mean the disconnection from virtually everyone you know and interact with on a daily basis.

    Live in a community where violent physical attacks against people who are gay is acceptable or even promoted.

    I've known men who were part what appeared to be tight, loving and supportive families who were not only disavowed, but beaten and cast to the street simply because they were gay.

    The problem really is that the longer someone stays comfortably in the closet the more they may lose when they come out.

    While I, for one, will never go back into the closet, I would never presume to say that someone should give up everything in their life to come out.

    One last caveat however: If the man in the closet, due to internalized homophobia, or any of the above examples, is using their influence or power to promote homophobia, then they should be forcibly outed. That is not simply hypocrisy, it is intentionally causing harm to others.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Apr 08, 2009 10:53 AM GMT
    No matter what age you are you have to come to terms with your sexuality and truthfulness in your life
    Are there people who will be fired or harassed if they come out of the closet?
    Yeah, there are
    But by and large there are not that many
    and most men who stay in the closet are there because of fear
    Fear of being who they really are
    and these men are denying themselves a very important part of life
    to be true to themselves in every way
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    Apr 08, 2009 10:55 AM GMT
    bgcat57 said
    One last caveat however: If the man in the closet, due to internalized homophobia, or any of the above examples, is using their influence or power to promote homophobia, then they should be forcibly outed. That is not simply hypocrisy, it is intentionally causing harm to others.


    I agree. Legislators are the ones who are often guilty of this.
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    Apr 08, 2009 12:09 PM GMT
    Before I read your post I thought 25.

    By the time 25 come. I had done many things, and had many experiences.
    dew to drought in the early 80s. I left life in a small Mormon community, for the big city. My first job in the city was working for a gay bathhouse, lots of fun, one had a fucking good timeicon_biggrin.gif

    Then AIDS come along, and man the whole thing changed over night. The things I seen and witnessed, during my time working for the gay community. I gave back my gay card. I was no longer a member of the gay community. I was out and gone by 25.

    But would I date a 40 year old who was still not out. absolutely not! I could not date a person who had lived a lie for all those years, and was still doing it.

    I may well be a pure homosexual, but I'm not gay!
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    Apr 08, 2009 12:35 PM GMT
    Arguments about outing are quite generational and tend to reveal how poorly we share 'LGBTQ history.'

    In an ideal world, every person who is gay or bi or trans would be 'out' in that they would LIVE THEIR TRUTH and BE WHO THEY ARE from that essential place where identity, expression and sexuality meet. Religion and government would not be oppressive forces seeking to control out of fear and misunderstanding. Different would be ok, as opposed to bad, despite how that clashes with the tribe mentality.

    I think there are cases that warrant outing: Ted Haggard and his ilk. But most normal people in the world need to go through their journey to their truth. Some people can accept themselves easily, through inner fortitude and luck of the draw when it comes to family. Others are not so lucky.

    All that is not to say that we can't help folks along by, say, for example, encouraging the closeted to be brave, creating and offering support systems, not facilitating the closet through things like the m4m section on Craigslist, lol, or whatever way you can engage the world that brings forth positive changes and not more of the same fear and self-loathing.
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    Apr 08, 2009 1:18 PM GMT
    There really is no age. What the others wrote about society, family, and jobs, I agree with 100 percent. I can only add the personal. I didn't come out until I was 40. I had always had feelings and lust for men but was terrified of them. I prayed. I cried. I tried to suppress them. I slept with a prostitute in Amsterdam. Nothing worked; the feelings and lust remained. Also AIDS was raging and I was terrified of that.

    Then something inside years later just clicked. A different point of view; an acceptance, and I was cool with who I was. I also had a good friend who helped see me through.

    Won't ever go in the closet. Everything fell into place after acceptance. My novel writing in particular flowed freely after this event. I should add I am blessed to be living in a somewhat tolerant country, parents who love me and try to understand me, and a job where people know who I am.

    As Toddy said in Victor/Victoria, I was a late bloomer.
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    Apr 08, 2009 1:19 PM GMT
    21
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Apr 08, 2009 1:32 PM GMT
    I probably will be in the closet for the rest of my life (as long as I am living here), but I am a happy out of closet gay men when I cross the border.
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    Apr 08, 2009 1:36 PM GMT
    You never know when someone's going to come out. It's all very personal. I came out when I was 14, but I remember reading about a guy from Key West that finally came out when he was 68! He wanted to wait till his parents and wife were dead before he felt comfortable enough to come out. He didn't want to ruin his wife's name or the family because of how he was brought up. I'd have mixed feelings about it because part of me would think that he's wasted all these years in closet, but at the same time, it must feel like such a relief to finally do it. Sad thing is that some people aren't willing to ever let themselves come out and will die without letting themselves be who they really are. icon_neutral.gif
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    Apr 08, 2009 1:50 PM GMT
    Drob
    you get shit because you "appear" to randomly judge people based on your ideological standards, not because you spent any time getting to know the person.

    How old is too old to be closeted? When you've reached the age that everyone - you know well - already knows your gay even though you haven't told them and that can be anywhere from 5 - 95 so there ya go.

    And you're right some people are not out because, yes, they are insecure in the unknown of what might happen - which is the same reason plenty of people don't cliff dive, race cars, sky-dive, chase their dream career, try out for American Idol, tell their parents everything they are up to as opposed to just saying "oh nothing"...

    You made your decisions for yourself, why can't others have the same choices and respect?
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Apr 08, 2009 1:52 PM GMT
    Lyte,

    I am who I am. I am a proud gay men, I love, date , fuck and behave just like you , out of the closet guys. It just I dont tell straight people about it. The way I look at it, my sexuality is nobody business but myself. I have a great family (siblings ) and friend. They can never accept me for who I am. Why do I want to destroyed and hurt those people I love by telling them stuff they dont want to hear. Why do I want to expose myself to be a subject of ridicule and a butt of office joke.

    Personally, I have no regret being in the closet (even if I die tommorrow). I have done everything just like most other gay guys . I have ton of gay sex, I have live with a men, I have dance in gay disco, I have love and be love by a men and I have all kind of gay friend. Just like an actor, I play straight at certain time and gay at other time. But inside I am gay to the core.
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    Apr 08, 2009 1:53 PM GMT
    It is simply maths:

    take the number of cousins you have, multiply by 3.66855, add 7. This number is your Golden Number and represents the exact age at which you should come out, or I will judge you. It is applicable across all cultures and social situations.

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    Apr 08, 2009 1:58 PM GMT
    You have obviously lived a very sheltered life with your head in the sand. Pathetic OP.icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Apr 08, 2009 1:59 PM GMT
    Lostboy saidIt is simply maths:

    take the number of cousins you have, multiply by 3.66855, add 7. This number is your Golden Number and represents the exact age at which you should come out, or I will judge you. It is applicable across all cultures and social situations.

    icon_rolleyes.gif


    BACK IN THE CLOSET WITH YOU!
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    Apr 08, 2009 2:29 PM GMT
    Let's not be too hard on Drob. His youthful idealism is refreshing. There is a great deal of truth in what he said. But at age 19, he has not lived long enough to understand a great deal beyond his own life experience. The older we are, the more responsibilities we acquire, and real men take those responsibilities seriously. There is no one right or wrong answer. Everyone has to find his own way.