WTF is she thinking?!!!!

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    Apr 11, 2009 3:42 PM GMT
    Not sure if I am asking for advice or just venting but I just found out that my 18 year old daughter that is due to graduate this June has moved out of her mothers house and in with her 20 year old boy friends apartment that she has only known for 2 months!!!!!

    Of course I am the very last to know. She has been over there for about 2 weeks. I guess they assumed I would go over there and kill them, and of course I am still considering that, haha.

    Now to make it even worse....he has an ok job but she is only working part time making $300 a month!!!!! She was going to nursing school also but has quit that. WTF is she thinking!!!

    She says shes ready to be an "adult". Uh ya....she doesnt even have the balls to call and tell me she moved out! Her mother is having fits and anxiety attacks, just got out of the hospital from them.

    What am I supposed to do when I talk to her? I am so mad. I feel like telling her go ahead and be an "adult" and sit back and watch her fall flat on her face when this guy gets tired of her or the realtionship. But it would break my heart to watch that happen.

    Some people have to learn the hard way though. Any thoughts?

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    Apr 11, 2009 3:46 PM GMT
    Just as you say, some people have to learn the hard way.

    All you can do is attempt to explain why it is important for her to secure a career before she goes domestic, and that her choice to discontinue her education, arguably the single most important step in someone's life, demonstrates that she is not ready for adult responsibility.

    And tell her to stay on the pill lest she become another single mom, welfare case.
  • Webster666

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    Apr 11, 2009 3:49 PM GMT
    Within a year, she'll be moving back home. Your only chance is to get her to go back to school and finish her degree. In the mean time one of the grandparents will have to take care of her baby. Oh, yea, she'll have a baby within a year.
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    Apr 11, 2009 4:02 PM GMT

    Your job is just to advice her, share your wisdom, even if she refuses to listen. Do not equate "listening" with "taking"... that will just be your part. Of course wish her the best, however difficult it is. As Felicity says, "If I were to make a huge mistake, at least it was a mistake I made." It'll still keep her pride intact.

    x
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    Apr 11, 2009 4:06 PM GMT
    beeker saidJust as you say, some people have to learn the hard way..

    Ditto. Though I really believe there are people who do better with higher education when they try it at an older, "non-traditional" age. Going to college or other programs right out of high school does work well for most, but not for everyone, and sometimes it's actually wiser to wait a little, learn more of life's lessons rather than classroom lessons. I used to be a college academic advisor to that very demographic.

    At the same time, if motherhood comes along now, that could well create a long detour before any further education is possible again. And radically change her whole life, obviously. Pregnancy could well be the worst outcome of this scenario.

    Unless her mother was planning to become the Governor of Alaska? No, sorry, I couldn't resist. In any case, the 2 of them living together would worry me less than if it became the 3 of them at their ages and circumstances. Other than that, school plans can be revisited, it's not a totally catastrophic development, and might even work for the best in the long run.
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    Apr 11, 2009 4:09 PM GMT
    I would sit her down and tell her that i dissapprove of giving up a career training for anyone because she for her own good needs to have a career to support herself and to feel good about herself. then I would tell her, that even though i dissagree, to feel free to come and visit frequently, tell her you will welcome the guy she likes into your home. Tell her though to protect herself against pregnancy, and that you'll not raise a child for her, that if she takes this road, she will live the results. But end it with assurance that you love her, and that if this turns into trouble you would help her outside of taking responsibility for the results of her actions if they go sour. The thing to remember is that many a couple have grown old together who have started out just like this. Families who dissown their child because of such a dissaproval, just do themselves harm. so you'll just have to see how the cards fall. But don't cut ties over this. we don't know the future, he may turn out to be the best man for her she'd ever meet.
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    Apr 11, 2009 4:15 PM GMT
    In a calm, non-judgmental voice, I would advise her not as her dad anymore, but as her older, experienced reliable friend, and tell her why I think she has made a bad decision, listing the reasons. Then shut up. (You're too young, btw, would not be one of those reasons.)

    "'Sweetheart, just sit with your dear old dad for just a last few minutes as you leave the nest. I know your anxiousness to get out on your own and have a boyfriend. I have been there. But, please. let me give you a few words of advice from your dear old dad to this lovely daughter for your future, since I have already lived thru all the years you are about to enter.

    1) Dont throw your career away. Right now you are excited living with your bf and being on your own and the amount of money you have may seem like a lot, but really it is just barely enough to get by on. It won't be long before you are start feeling that money pinch and then you are going to wish you could get a better paying job and your career opportunities are going to be limited....very limited. Then you are going to regret....really regret....not having continued going to school. [allow her protests here...arguing at this point is useless.]

    2) Dont have a baby for at least a year. Let all four seasons pass between you and [insert bf''s name here] living together before you take the irreversible action of making a baby.....think Levy Johnson and Bristol Palin! A baby is big responsible and a big expense and an 18-year "sentence."

    3) Remember your mother and I love you....and always will. You take care of yourself, sweetie. I hard for us not to want to protect you from all of life's harm....we've been doing it for 18 years...but we can't protect you from everything forever. But we will always love you and be here for you. Call us if you ever want to discuss something and get our advice."

  • gsh1964

    Posts: 388

    Apr 11, 2009 4:28 PM GMT
    We have alot of dad's here and I'm one of them.

    Here's what I think you should do, since you asked:

    Lighten up and stop telling her what to do with her life. Don't give advise, unless she asks for it. Unsolisited advice really sucks. Especially to a teenager who thinks they know everything. Let her fall on her face and when and IF she does, welcome her with open non-judgemental arms. Don't sit her down and have a discussion. Don't tell that you know more about life than she does.
    Maybe you should get therapy for your control issues, because badgering someone into thinking the way you do shows deep issues.

    Okay, with that being said, how do you like me telling you what you should do with your life? Because that's exactly what you will be doing. The only difference is, you asked for advise, she hasn't yet.
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    Apr 11, 2009 4:53 PM GMT
    I'm nobody's dad, but I'd have to agree with gsh1964. I'm still learning things the hard way, much to my dismay. I have dismissed good advice in the past that I wish I had taken, but it was unsolicited at the time.
  • Sparkycat

    Posts: 1064

    Apr 11, 2009 4:58 PM GMT
    Just confirm that she's using birth control, and offer to pay for it if she isn't. Otherwise, she's 18 and free to begin the life-long process of learning from her mistakes.
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    Apr 11, 2009 5:03 PM GMT
    To gsh1964: Control issues? Therapy? LIghten up and stop telling her what to do? Where are you getting that from? He hasn't even talked to her about it yet.


    Anyway, don't be judgemental. Let me her know that you may not have made the same decision, but support her in making an adult decision. Point out the positives of what this decision is going to do for her in her growth and development as an adult. She needs to learn on her own if this was the right decision. And if she does fall flat on her face, be her emotional support.
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    Apr 11, 2009 5:48 PM GMT
    I agree with gsh1964, coming from a large family, our parents have always let us live our lives and then been there to pick up the pieces as required. Zero judgement. Intervening in the way you describe has a high potential for creating a wedge between you and your daughter.

    18 yr olds in love? ya, not a high likelihood of her really listening, I think the fact she didnt discuss with you beforehand indicates she doesnt want your advice/opinion on it.

    Be there when it goes to shit, if she asks what you think, tell her you disagree with it as a choice, but that you wont tell her what to do.
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    Apr 11, 2009 5:49 PM GMT

    Oh God, SHE IS MAKING A MISTAKE!! In a situation like this, all you can do is impart as much support and fatherly love as possible. Anger and frustration will drive her away. If it were me, I'd call and tell her true stories about boys that would scare Rob Zombie. That only works if you find a way to tell them without coming off too preachy. You've got an advantage over many fathers: you are GAY so you know exactly what the wrong boy can do to a girl's complexion.

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    Apr 11, 2009 6:09 PM GMT
    I'm not a dad, LOL, but I do come from a large family. I really really think that asking her nicely, to please not get pregnant for at least a year is a very good idea. I have too many friends who thought they found the love of their life and got knocked up/knock someone up and had to get married.

    One of them is now separated with her husband, and the kid is left in care of his grandmother. In another case, the father ran away, although she eventually married another man who married her, kid and all. Another who married a clingy control freak (former university tramp a la Britney Spears) with a worse mother that kinda forced my friend to be even more of the womanizer that he was before he got shotgun-married. In my friends from high school, I think 6 girls and 2 guys are now married due to an unplanned pregnancy (at the ages of 17-21, go figure). Only 3 of them are doing good, the rest are falling apart or have fallen apart - and I pity the kids caught between them.

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    Apr 11, 2009 6:22 PM GMT
    dude growing up well is like... like doing a figure 8 race track. Every time you get to that intersection it look like they are going to crash!.... but they just miss each other. Even sometimes they do crash but they get through it. There is nothing you can say to your daughter that will make her change her mind... she has to come to the decision on her own. She thinks she has found " the love of her life!" we have all been there at 20 lol. However, you know and soon sh will know that it was the wrong decision. She will realize the guy is a slob, ass whole etc. So just let her find out who she s on her own. Its life she has to learn it on her own. How many times did your parents tell you that you were doing something stupid and you did it anyways? HUH? I bet almost everything you did was like that. All you have to do is tell her you will support her no matter what she does, and that you will always love her. That is all a child needs to make it in life. Make sure she doesn't get pregnant because then her life will be over for a while... but even if she does be there for her. Hey even tell her that it might scare her. Lots of kids just do stuff to prove they can do it, or to spite their parents... so take away the ability for her to spite you and she will get over it. Just be there for her and she will be fine. If its about being an adult she just wants to prove she can do it on her own... she might just be trying to prove it to herself
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    Apr 11, 2009 6:38 PM GMT
    I feel your pain Redbull.

    I have a 21 year old who has done some stupid shit. I used to be on his ass all the time lecturing him. I learned to back off and let him fall on his face (and he has many times). That's part of becoming an adult, and that's part of being a parent to a young adult. I'll be the first to admit...its hard as hell to not lecture as we both know you want to protect your baby. But if you don't, it will only strain the relationship to the point that she won't come to you for advice when she really needs it. Be there for her when SHE needs you, not when YOU think she does. In the long run this phase will pass and she will respect you more for it. And, it won't strain your relationship in the process.
    As far as birth control goes....well I wouldn't offer to blindly pay. I'd let her know that if she is ever in a financial jam you could cover this expense for a month or two. But ultimately, she is responsible for her actions. That's all part of being an adult.
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    Apr 11, 2009 7:01 PM GMT
    I'm wondering why does your daughter need to call and tell you she is moving out? Alot of things that kids do have courses and are eventually gonna be run. She's 18 and perfectly legal to do as she pleases. At some point and time you really have to let your children have just what they want or rather what they think they want.

    Let her learn the hard way. Sometimes it's the best way because the experience is long-lasting. You can't hold her hand through life because then you would be doing more harm then help when she is put in a situation. You've done your job as a parent and now it's time for you to just let go and hope for the best. All that you have taught and given her is about to be put to the test. The best thing for you to do now is to just hope for the best like any other parent who watches their child make decisions on their own.

    We've all been there and done that so it's no surprise that our kids would do the same thing. Just let her know that you'll be there if she needs help. If you keep harping on her she will probably become more rebellious and won't feel the need info you of anything. On the other hand if you keep giving and giving and giving she will never learn how to fend for herself and then you run the risk of hampering her. Who wants that?

    The whole birth control thing is another issue. She's an adult and that's something that should be among her top priorities since it involves her body. Again that part of being an adult so let the chips fall where they may I suppose.

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    Apr 11, 2009 7:09 PM GMT
    its right not to lecture, but its still best to let the kid know you dissagree in such an important aspect of life as this one. As a parent I chose my battles carefully, if it was a major mistake that could alter their life, your damn right i told them what i thought. but i ended it with. "now you know what i think, its your life and your decision, i'm stepping back from it, and i'll be here if you need me" While they may not act like they want opinions from anyone, they'll feel better with the air cleared and not wondering what dad thinks, if you say something they'll know, and be glad they know, even if they totally ignore it. most of the little stuff i just let run off, and quite a few things like my son sneaking into his girlfriends window at nights, i just left alone. I did let him know to "use protection" but i never told what i new. ><>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> One time he came to me saying he was going to go into the navy. Well, I was ecstatic !!! cause he was running with a bunch of losers, who had no intention of going anywhere in life except for what's going on that's fun for the next hour. my son was one of those who could appear in class and just absorb what he needed to know and got great grades with no efforts, so i knew he was capable of doing well. But i was scared to death that if i promoted to strongly his going into the navy and getting away from his 'friends' that he'd end up not doing it. LOL !!! So i told him I thought it was a good idea, that he could have a good future with great training. i let him bring it up, I kept off the subject of his loser friends, and if there was some event having to do with recruiting i let him know i'd be glad to go along with him. which i did twice. Otherwise I kept my mouth shut. Today he has been in for 13 years, and is now a Chief, but I did sweat it as to whether he'd go ahead with joining while with his buddies. it has all worked out fine in the end. but don't be afraid to say your opinions on the majoy matters in their lives. just leave off the little inconsequential stuff, they'll take care of themselves. that way you won't be seen as always having to give your opinions as long as you hold them down to a few major ones. Good luck
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    Apr 11, 2009 7:12 PM GMT
    Let her learn the hard way. I think most of us remember when we were that age. We thought we were mature and invincible. Of course that was far from the truth.

    I think the best thing to do is make yourself available. And let her know she can call you any time for whatever reason. She already didn't call you when she moved out. So I'm sure she knew you wouldn't be pleased. Just tell her you're not angry, and try to offer some advice without sounding like a nagging parent. icon_lol.gif
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    Apr 11, 2009 9:20 PM GMT
    be there for her when it all falls to shit..
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    Apr 11, 2009 9:21 PM GMT
    Yes, advise her humbly. Do not show anger, as it will be in vain. She will have to learn this on her own. Sadly, parents are the LAST people we listen too!
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    Apr 11, 2009 9:50 PM GMT
    wow! thank all of you for taking the time to write all these great responses!! What a great group of guys you all are!!!

    I actually called her before I read your responses. I couldn't wait for her to call me, I just wanted to clear the air. I thought about it so long and hard and I thought of all the things that you have all mentioned.

    I asked her if she had something to tell me and she said yes and she said she moved out. We talked about it very calmly and I listened to her. I told her that.....


    1. I was most upset that she felt she had to hide this from me and was afraid to tell me something major in her life like this. I told her even if its not something I will agree with I didn't want her to ever feel like she couldn't talk to me.

    2. I told her I disagreed with not continuing her education. And I asked her to please atleast go ahead and take her CNA test that she was due for and she said she would.

    3. I told her above anything else that we all loved her and if we were a little upset it was only because we love her so much and do not want to see her get hurt, she said she understood.

    4. I told her if that guy does anything to hurt her that I will kick his ass ( in a joking way) she started laughing.


    It was over all a good adult conversation. She said she wanted to tell me but wanted to tell me in person and not over the phone. Said she wasn't ready yet. I told her to never feel like she couldn't talk to me.

    I think she felt this way because I have been so protective over her since she is a girl. I know alot of times people say it shouldn't make a difference but it does when you actually have a daughter to raise and take care of.

    Even though I am gay, she is the most beautiful wonderful outgoing person that I know. There are things about her I truly admire and things about her that totally piss me off!!! haha but thats family eh?

    I think it will all work out...she knows I love her and am there for her.

    We will definitely be continuing the conversation about birth control though. Shes still on my insurance and she can get it pretty cheap.

    Thanks again to all of you for taking the time to write your responses...you guys are all great guys!!

    Here is me and my daughter at her prom last year.


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  • gsh1964

    Posts: 388

    Apr 11, 2009 10:23 PM GMT
    Redbull,

    Please understand that my note came accross harsh, just wanting to put it in perspective.

    She is a beautiful young lady.

    One more thing. I'm pretty sure she knows about birthcontrol, so I wouldn't mention it.

    It's her body and her choices... women have a thing about that... understandably. You may be over stepping some boundaries with that issue, so be careful.

    Best wishes and all will work out.
  • Anto

    Posts: 2035

    Apr 11, 2009 10:28 PM GMT
    Kids are Depressing, Study of Parents Finds
    http://www.livescience.com/health/060207_parent_depression.html

    "Any parent will tell you kids can be depressing at times. A new study shows that raising them is a lifelong challenge to your mental health. Not only do parents have significantly higher levels of depression than adults who do not have children, the problem gets worse when the kids move out. "Parents have more to worry about than other people do—that's the bottom line," said Florida State University professor Robin Simon. "And that worry does not diminish over time. Parents worry about their kids' emotional, social, physical and economic well-being. We worry about how they're getting along in the world."
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    Apr 11, 2009 10:44 PM GMT
    gsh1964 saidRedbull,

    Please understand that my note came accross harsh, just wanting to put it in perspective.

    She is a beautiful young lady.

    One more thing. I'm pretty sure she knows about birthcontrol, so I wouldn't mention it.

    It's her body and her choices... women have a thing about that... understandably. You may be over stepping some boundaries with that issue, so be careful.

    Best wishes and all will work out.



    no problem man...I knew what you meant....thanks for the compliments about her. She is already on birth control, I guess I just want to reinforce how important it is and that she is still on my insurance to get it.