I'm young, new, and kinda confused???

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    Apr 12, 2009 2:18 AM GMT
    I'm pretty much brand new to the gay scene and I don’t have much, if any experience with relationships. I've had two encounters with other guys and to be honest....I don’t think it was worth being with either of them because in the end.... although the sex was incredibly passionate and loving I realized it meant nothing to THEM after. Unfortunately it meant a lot to me and I became overly attached. However, is that the status quo for the gay community?? Do most gay guys have the ability to have loving, caring, passionate sex with you then never want to see you again?? I don’t get it? Both these guys chased me and threw themselves at me. I'm trying not to become cynical but the two guys I was with had the mentality of a prostitute and I hope that’s not the norm. What are your experiences with these types of people and how do you deal with it if you become too emotionally attached to one?
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    Apr 12, 2009 2:36 AM GMT
    It seems to be human nature that having sex, especially among the young, can result in at least a temporary & automatic emotional attachment. Evolutionists have argued that such a response is beneficial to the survival of any offspring produced by straight sex, since 2 parents can better provide for children than only 1 parent can. And even gay men & women likely experience some of that same bonding response.

    But not all men have that reaction, and even straight ones will "love 'em and leave 'em." And if the gay men with whom you had sex are more jaded veterans than you, the difference between your reaction and theirs could be light years apart.

    Yet lots of gays have very deep & loving relationships that last a lifetime. I personally know many among my friends, who have solid partnerships of many decades. Just be aware that the gay world contains a wide variety, from the perpetual players who never settle down, to the homemakers who are lost without a constant partner.

    You are 19. A little young to be settling down, though I know a few couples who did just that, now in their 50s & 60s and still together. More typical would be to sow your wild oats now (but safely!), until that perfect guy comes along.

    He does exist, you know, but in the meantime you'll encounter lots of losers and takers. Not so different in the straight world, either. Don't become discouraged, this is your learning time. I wish you the best.
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    Apr 12, 2009 3:19 AM GMT
    lol. cute. What you experienced is very common and a part of being young and gay/bi/whatever. And there are lots of Guys that feel the way you do. Guys mature at different rates and some are more prone to show emotion than others. Attachment is just the need to be loved and feel secure. Face it, getting dumped sucks because it feels like someone has said you are not good enough.

    So if that is the way you feel, don't get suckered into bed so easy just because someone wants to use you for sex. Relationships take time. And when you are young it is especially difficult because you are still figuring it all out. Don't worry, be patient, work on being the best person you can be. Get wisdom.
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Apr 12, 2009 3:37 AM GMT
    ActiveAndFit saidlol. cute.


    That's a little patronizing, isn't it?

    Don't be discouraged. I feel like the gay community can be pretty shallow, and guys will do/say just about anything to get their rocks off and then when they're done they forget every word. Just keep looking, and in the mean time, don't sleep with someone just because they seem like they really like you, If you're not easy, only the ones who are genuinely interested will stick around.
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    Apr 12, 2009 3:42 AM GMT
    Bunjamon said
    ActiveAndFit saidlol. cute.

    That's a little patronizing, isn't it?
    No. I think it is very cute and attractive when when young guys just coming out are so sincere and sweet.
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    Apr 12, 2009 3:52 AM GMT
    yz250mxrida saidI'm pretty much brand new to the gay scene and I don’t have much, if any experience with relationships. I've had two encounters with other guys and to be honest....I don’t think it was worth being with either of them because in the end.... although the sex was incredibly passionate and loving I realized it meant nothing to THEM after. Unfortunately it meant a lot to me and I became overly attached. However, is that the status quo for the gay community?? Do most gay guys have the ability to have loving, caring, passionate sex with you then never want to see you again?? I don’t get it? Both these guys chased me and threw themselves at me. I'm trying not to become cynical but the two guys I was with had the mentality of a prostitute and I hope that’s not the norm. What are your experiences with these types of people and how do you deal with it if you become too emotionally attached to one?


    I'm sure the same thing probably happened to the two guys when they first had sex too, so I wouldn't take it personal. Plus, it's not uncommon for anyone (gay or straight; male of female) to feel a strong attachment when they first have sex...it's part of human nature for the most part.

    Best thing to do is learn from your experience and move on...easier said than done, but you will figure it out.

  • jgymnast733

    Posts: 1783

    Apr 12, 2009 3:53 AM GMT
    My friend those feelings never go away...
    There will always be a situation where someone will like the other more, than other times where you find the love them and leave them types. There are no guarantees my friend when your heart is involved..
    Your not too far from manhattan,,i could console that broken heart of yours if you likeicon_wink.gif
  • dreamer121

    Posts: 265

    Apr 12, 2009 3:54 AM GMT
    I agree there's a whole lot of thoughts and passions when you first get with guys... or anyone, but I can say that you can find younger guys who want to date a little more seriously, you're just gonna get a ton of the guys who want sex inbetween them.

    Have a good time while searching or just take a couple steps back and take it slower but still show the guy you care. But just beware those feelings are gonna hurt like a bitch if it ends too. Either way, best to you and your future hunting!
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    Apr 12, 2009 4:08 AM GMT
    kRakaJak saidbeen there with other guys too, yz. it ain't pretty. i have better luck with women.
    lol. this is not looking good from a hot guy with his picture on Player magazine icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 12, 2009 4:09 AM GMT
    I went through the exact same thing as you yz250mxrida. In fact, I think most guys do. Even though you might feel like those guys are assholes the experience actually teaches you an important lesson. The thing to learn and take away from it is that you should be more discerning about who you chose to make a connection with, sexually or not. It's incredibly rare to find someone who you can trust, some people don't meet anyone trustworth their entire lives. Don't feel bad, it's just some initial naïveté because you're new at it, there can be a steep learning curve. Remember most people lie and especially when it comes to sex please please please always be safe no matter what! Don't give up cause I'm sure you'll meet someone one day who is amazing who will love you and you will trust and love in return. G'luck.
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    Apr 12, 2009 4:19 AM GMT
    OP:
    What are your experiences with these types of people and how do you deal with it if you become too emotionally attached to one?

    If you become too emotionally attached to one, remind yourself that you're ONLY 19 and should focus on school and your grades and your career and that the right guy will come along someday.
    (I should add that I'm single and a wokoholic, so maybe its not the best advice)
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    Apr 12, 2009 4:39 AM GMT
    ActiveAndFit said
    Bunjamon said
    ActiveAndFit saidlol. cute.

    That's a little patronizing, isn't it?
    No. I think it is very cute and attractive when when young guys just coming out are so sincere and sweet.


    TRU DAT. And then they get their hearts broken and immediately book themselves a one-way ticket to Jadedsville, joining the bandwagon. Such loss. What is it with 19-year olds lately? hmmm......
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    Apr 12, 2009 4:43 AM GMT
    Blanche: "My first was Billy. Oh, I'll never forget it! That night under the dogwood tree, the air thick with perfume, and me with Billy. Or Bobby? Yes, that's right, Bobby! Or was it Ben? Oh who knows, anyway, it started with a B"

    It is general male biology and psychology for a guy to want to have sex anytime he can. You have to put on the breaks with the guys and get to know them better before you go to bed with them. Probably 99% of the time, you are going to get a "what's the fuck wrong with you" attitude when you do want to jump into bed immediately.

    You either have to realize the all sex does lead to a walk down the aisle or put up with getting a bad reputation. You have to learn to enjoy the recreational sex until you find the guy who wants to share more with you or deflect the disparagement you are going to get when you keep turning guys down.

    But in the end, you have to make up your own mind and go with it, but dont condemn other guys for being who they are.

    cat

    oh, and btw...

    funny pictures
  • mondeezy

    Posts: 16

    Apr 12, 2009 4:47 AM GMT
    yea i think it has more to do with the individual rather than a monolithic mindset in the gay community. at least i hope that's the case...
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    Apr 12, 2009 4:53 AM GMT
    ZiMsTeR said
    ActiveAndFit said
    Bunjamon said
    ActiveAndFit saidlol. cute.

    That's a little patronizing, isn't it?
    No. I think it is very cute and attractive when when young guys just coming out are so sincere and sweet.


    TRU DAT. And then they get their hearts broken and immediately book themselves a one-way ticket to Jadedsville, joining the bandwagon. Such loss. What is it with 19-year olds lately? hmmm......

    Wait until he finds out about ....oh, nevermind...

    funny pictures
  • ROYCE13

    Posts: 315

    Apr 12, 2009 7:22 AM GMT
    At 19 years of age, 99% of all sex is pure passion and lust for the guys and gals. It makes it harder for the dating types, but you need some experience dealing with the entire experience good and bad, this is reality. I know that many think only gay guys do not commit, but fyi, many women, especially young ones, only want to play as well. The older ones are that way now as well. It is becoming the reality of both genders.

    The experimentation for the young guys is natural, I think it maybe that they may not trust their feelings so they go to the next one, to try it again or test the experience and then it becomes habit for some.


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    Apr 12, 2009 7:51 AM GMT
    yz250mxrida saidI'm pretty much brand new to the gay scene and I don’t have much, if any experience with relationships. I've had two encounters with other guys and to be honest....I don’t think it was worth being with either of them because in the end.... although the sex was incredibly passionate and loving I realized it meant nothing to THEM after. Unfortunately it meant a lot to me and I became overly attached. However, is that the status quo for the gay community?? Do most gay guys have the ability to have loving, caring, passionate sex with you then never want to see you again?? I don’t get it? Both these guys chased me and threw themselves at me. I'm trying not to become cynical but the two guys I was with had the mentality of a prostitute and I hope that’s not the norm. What are your experiences with these types of people and how do you deal with it if you become too emotionally attached to one?


    There are really no easy answers. The question I'd ask myself is "what feels right to me?" If you'd rather go without the sex until you're sure about someone, you'll weed through a lot of trash that way. And make no mistakes, you're young, attractive, and athletic you're going to draw losers in. You have no obligations or commitments to them though. You really can't control the outcome of anything, you'll just have to learn to read between the lines and recognize when you're being manipulated. Listening to and trusting your instincts is an acquired skill. Just because something looks and sounds good doesn't mean it is good.

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    Apr 12, 2009 8:14 AM GMT
    most guys just want sex.....

    Most dont want the emotional attachment that should come with it.

    Dont get me wrong, im a horn dog and horny on the regular. But i want love and i want to have sex for love.

    Im a pussy like that i guess....
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    Apr 12, 2009 8:41 AM GMT
    yz250mxrida saidI'm pretty much brand new to the gay scene and I don’t have much, if any experience with relationships. I've had two encounters with other guys and to be honest....I don’t think it was worth being with either of them because in the end.... although the sex was incredibly passionate and loving I realized it meant nothing to THEM after. Unfortunately it meant a lot to me and I became overly attached. However, is that the status quo for the gay community?? Do most gay guys have the ability to have loving, caring, passionate sex with you then never want to see you again?? I don’t get it? Both these guys chased me and threw themselves at me. I'm trying not to become cynical but the two guys I was with had the mentality of a prostitute and I hope that’s not the norm. What are your experiences with these types of people and how do you deal with it if you become too emotionally attached to one?


    No, not all guys are emotionally detached but you'll find a lot of that among "gay" men.

    It's a pretty twisted world, the gay scene.

    I'm sorry that you're already on your way... =(
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    Apr 12, 2009 10:24 AM GMT
    yz250mxrida saidI'm pretty much brand new to the gay scene and I don’t have much, if any experience with relationships. I've had two encounters with other guys and to be honest....I don’t think it was worth being with either of them because in the end.... although the sex was incredibly passionate and loving I realized it meant nothing to THEM after. Unfortunately it meant a lot to me and I became overly attached. However, is that the status quo for the gay community?? Do most gay guys have the ability to have loving, caring, passionate sex with you then never want to see you again?? I don’t get it? Both these guys chased me and threw themselves at me. I'm trying not to become cynical but the two guys I was with had the mentality of a prostitute and I hope that’s not the norm. What are your experiences with these types of people and how do you deal with it if you become too emotionally attached to one?


    Take a breath, Bud, you'll be fine. Lots of gay guys are incapable of attachments because of esteem issues, and disconnect in a way that can really make you wonder.

    Most athletes that are accomplished have a higher level of self esteem / confidence and what is likely happening is that that don't have what you alter ready have: permission to like yourself and an appreciation for people at other than a sexual level.

    You'll be o.k. Understand that there are about 7 BILLION folks in the world, and, especially at a young age, you'll run into some folks that are pretty messed up.

    It's o.k. to be gay or bi and it's very natural, but, some folks, especially if they're messed up by false belief systems, have a lot of baggage they carry around.

    Don't waste your time with losers. Just keep moving forward and when the right person comes along...it will be MAGIC. Find someone that is like yourself, that has similar values, interests, and when it happens, you'll know.

    Relationships can be work, but, they shouldn't be depressing, and they should come almost auto-magically. Given some time, and enough suitors, that's often the case.

    Patience. Wax off, wax on.

    Understand the world doesn't revolve around you, and sometimes, despite our highest hopes, folks don't feel the same way about us as we might about them. Part of being mature is accepting that and moving on. The wonderful thing about the past is that it's done with.
  • josephmovie

    Posts: 533

    Apr 12, 2009 12:47 PM GMT
    You're suffering from what I call "First Fuck Syndrome", where you fall for the first person you had meaningful sex with.

    It's very common. I had it for 5 years when I was your age. But one day when you're older you'll look back in be glad that you first experiences did have some emotional attachment, even if it did prove to be fleeting.
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    Apr 12, 2009 12:57 PM GMT
    Yes, I think many guys can detach themselves from sex and emotional connection. But there are just as many like you and me who want the whole package. As my mama used to tell my sister "Men won't go for the cow if they can have the milk for free". If you are really looking for the connection then the only thing I know to do is hold off on the physical and get to know the guys better. If all they want is sex then they usually wont stick around(my experience).
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    Apr 12, 2009 1:01 PM GMT
    It's a stigma that eventually goes away... if your city has a village, chances are most of the friendly folks aren't relationship hunting Saturday night rounding the ol' midnight train. Take anything that happens in that community with a grain of salt and just be true to what you believe in - others do see things the same as you (did anyone else just puke a little in their mouth?!... just me)

    Bottom line - don't worry about it. Life is shitty sometimes but it is the process that makes it fun. I'm your age and I was lucky enough to have friends teach that to me when I first moved into the city.

    Good luck - let me know how it turns out.
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    Apr 12, 2009 2:07 PM GMT
    yz250mxrida saidI'm pretty much brand new to the gay scene and I don’t have much, if any experience with relationships. I've had two encounters with other guys and to be honest....I don’t think it was worth being with either of them because in the end.... although the sex was incredibly passionate and loving I realized it meant nothing to THEM after. Unfortunately it meant a lot to me and I became overly attached. However, is that the status quo for the gay community?? Do most gay guys have the ability to have loving, caring, passionate sex with you then never want to see you again?? I don’t get it? Both these guys chased me and threw themselves at me. I'm trying not to become cynical but the two guys I was with had the mentality of a prostitute and I hope that’s not the norm. What are your experiences with these types of people and how do you deal with it if you become too emotionally attached to one?


    DON'T take it too personally, and DON'T become cynical. You are in the very early stages of life, and love. I understand your eagerness to find love, but it is no easy road for any of us. Gay or straight. I also understand how easily sex and attachment can confuse people in these situations. To me it's the ultimate intimate act, and to have someone dump you so easily afterward sucks. But realistically it happens to everybody. There are guys who just enjoy the hookup. The hunt and conquest appeals to lots of guys.

    In my case, there were many duds before I found the right guy. I've been with guys that made me feel used, and there were guys that probably felt used by me. There were times when my hormones were raging, and I had to find an outlet. I did get caught up in the heat of the moment, and the sex was great and I hoped there might be some connection afterwards. I never heard back from many of these guys. There are guys who waited on my call, I'm sure. There will be guys who only want to fuck and not become attached. I wonder if it's part of being male? I guess what I'm saying is a true connection between two people is never easy.

    It took five years to find my guy. It wasn't an easy road. AND it doesn't get easier once you settle down. That's a whole new set of things you have to learn.

    SO! Don't lose your ideals, but be realistic. It sounds like you're an honorable guy. Don't lose that. Be hopeful, there is a guy out there for you. You might invest time with someone, but it might not work out in the end. But you will learn about yourself and love along the way, and you will be better off for it. Be patient. you have to learn to walk before you can run. Be strong and confident about who you are. Don't base your worth on someone else's rejection. And you will get more of that in the future. And don't jump the gun with attachment. Take it moment by moment, day by day. Be true with yourself and your feelings. Never compromise yourself and what you believe in.

    P.S.: You are cute as hell, and I bet you'll get LOTS of guys wanting to "know" you. Just take it easy, and try not to break too many hearts.

    I hope it helped!

  • Tiller66

    Posts: 380

    Apr 12, 2009 2:29 PM GMT
    Well first let me say that for the most part MEN ARE DOGS.That said you will find some that are'nt but they are usually few and far between.