Neediness

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 16, 2007 3:03 AM GMT
    We hear this word a lot around the topics of love and romance, dating and intimacy. So I thought it would be cool if people could say something about it, anything. Define it, tell a story, point it out, sermonize on it, anything. just say what you think or feel about it.

    The topic is "neediness" or simply "need" in regards to love.
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    Apr 16, 2007 7:24 AM GMT
    A well rounded person can bring interesting things to the table, and life can become a fun joy ride with them because they are constantly challenging themselves and me.

    A needy person is a person who is unable or afraid to find excitement by themselves, and they're relying on ME to be the ringleader, or the person with all the answers, and most of the time, that's just too much responsibility for me to bear.

    "Relating" is a two way street, and because life is demanding, i'm caught up in my own shit and cannot devote too much of my extra time to a person with special needs. I have needs too. My rule of thumb is to seek out people who 's needs are complementary to our own lifestyle. I don't have time to take on any charity cases.
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    Apr 16, 2007 7:48 AM GMT
    hmm. i always though needy people were people who always want you to be around and want to know where you were and why you werent with them etc etc, but Tofu stud brings a new perspective on the word.
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    Apr 16, 2007 2:55 PM GMT
    sometimes you don't even realise that you're being needy and it suffocates the other person and can drive them further from you. there's that honeymoon period at the start of a relationship you go through where you are getting to know one another and are practically joined at the hip and if the relationship transcends that moment you ease off the puppy love and "slow down" (better word?) but sometimes one person might not consciously feel it's the right moment to move to the next step or want to stay in the "first meet" moment....

    maybe needy people crave affection they never had or allowed themselves to receive

    personally, i think more affection is preferred than lack thereof though it has to be exchanged equally in its own way. and everything that regards the people in the relationship, good or bad needs to be communicated in the openly without criticism and blame. everyone's got their own problems to deal with and if your boyfriend is conscious that you're having a shitty time and vent about theirs at a better time that's pretty caring. it's bad to get into a relationship with emotional baggage from either party anyway!
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Apr 16, 2007 9:27 PM GMT
    For any relationship to work there has to be time spent together and time spent apart
    ...we can't lose ourselves in a relationship
    I don't think that this is a gay thing
    it also happens in str8 relationships but I don't think as often
    probably because there are no gender roles which soften the blow so to speak
    we didn't have many years at developing our relationships in our teens like str8 people have also
    as a result there is a lot of codependency
    in our relationships
    we want out boyfriends to be our ..friend ...our lover...family...and all of this can be too much
    couples need interests apart as well as together and that goes double for friends
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    Apr 17, 2007 2:57 AM GMT
    I hate to sound like a cliche gay guy, but anyone remember that old Barbra Streisand song that goes something like: "people who need people are the luckiest people in the world." What jackass wrote those lyrics??
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Apr 17, 2007 3:09 AM GMT
    ...hmmmm...

    I have a personality type that wants to be wanted and needed...to be a productive member of a team...either professionally or personally...

    ...however, when that feeling or behavior crosses the line to the extent that I can't do something without my partner, or my partner's life turns into a mirror image of my life...then suddenly "neediness" becomes one of the most UNATTRACTIVE characteristics I can think of...

    I strive [haven't found the balance yet] to have 75% of my life and my partner's life be mutually exclusive...and 25% of our lives be mutually inclusive...commonality I believe is key, but it doesn't mean co-dependency...

    - David
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    Apr 17, 2007 4:15 AM GMT
    Oops, I misread. I thought we were going to celebrate "nerdiness."

    Never mind.
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    Apr 19, 2007 1:47 AM GMT
    I over looked the rude comments above.

    We all need to be loved, need to be held, need to be cuddled, need to be told that we are important in someone else's life.

    We also need to be the giver to the other person in our live who is also in need of love, tenderness, and to be told that they are important.

    Most important is that words can be really cheap and if you hear or say without action, it really means nothing at all.
  • MarkX

    Posts: 101

    Apr 20, 2007 2:26 AM GMT
    You can need without being "needy", as we seem to understand that term. I need my partner, his emotional support, to know he's on my side. If I ever lost him, it would create a huge hole in my life. I mean, we all need to feel needed, to feel valued.

    But at the same time, when one of us it on a business trip for a coupla weeks, we don't freak out.

    Needy people are those who depend entirely on outside validation for their emotions. They flourish in codependant relationships (whether at work, in family, or of any type at all). And it tends to make us uncomfortable because it seems inheretly unhealthy, and it can often cause a perceptable drain on our energy.

    Nerdy people, well that's a whole other story!
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    May 30, 2007 4:45 AM GMT
    I was really curious what people might say about this topic. I love listening to anyone talk about who they are and what makes them up, and am very interested whether or how people are happy. Love is one area where we seem to want to be happy.

    This site, for instance, in a way is about community, community can be about acceptance, an extension of grace, and a strong sense of belonging and being cared for. I'm not saying this site offers all that as such, it is just what community tends to be about. But this site is also about sexuality and in some cases love and attraction. Underneath the surface of working out or being a "jock" (or merely associated with it), seems to be this current of many things that are apparent in the forums, the pictures, and the profiles, even the simplest of them. This current is made of multiple desires and longings, love, romance, attraction, sexual passion, getting off, and lots more. The very choices of self-definition available on the profiles reveal this.

    So when I listen to people talk about love and happiness, invariably the term "need" comes up, employed in many ways. We talk about what we need and at the same time talk about a fear of neediness, either in others or sometimes ourselves.

    Need tends to be one of those ideas that we get stuck on. Its not well defined but we all can mention it and seem to have a general common understanding.

    So anyway, I was hoping lots of people would contribute to this topic so I could see a clearer picture of what we mean now by neediness. Sometimes need is discussed as if it were on this continuum. On one side is not needing anything, a place many people seem to want to associate for themselves, and on the other is something like co-dependence or desperation. I'm not so sure this idea serves us well, as one person's idea of balance might be another's idea of too much to one side. And I never liked the idea of balance anyway. Harmony is a better word, and in harmony there can be many loud voices or many contributions to what makes a pleasant sound.

    So I think we are delusional when we think we need nothing, and we are delusional when we think we need someone to make us happy. But what would be cool would for us as gay people to have this open and ongoing conversation about how we make our happiness in love since it is not only something we seem preoccupied with, but that it tends to be elusive since a lot of the general population is not too cool with gay love in the first place (little social support - as they may be for straight relationships).

    No one has cornered the market on it, and there definitely is no formula, but I would love to see gay people leading the conversation in a healthy and wise way for the world at large of what it means to be truly happy in love and to navigate ideas such as need and neediness.
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    May 30, 2007 5:40 AM GMT
    Neediness. My second boyfriend was very "needy" I have to say though, he was the sweetest boyfriend I ever had. He adored me like no other. He was fun and entertaining too .. real outgoing which complimented my quiet contemplativeness very well.

    The only problem was that due to abuse he suffered from his father, he needed to be loved more than anyone could because he could not love himself.

    Now I know that might sound a little cliche and psychobabble, but it is true. I loved him as much as I could but it didn't seem like enough. And as strong a person as I was, it got to be too much and I felt like I was always carrying a burden.

    And I was also new to relationships and getting my own feet wet as well as dealing with the suicide of my brother, and my previous depressed/suicidal boyfriend. I finally had to let him go. All the ups and downs and crying .. I had to let him go because as much as I could say, everything is fine, let go of the past .. he was stuck and I had to move forward.

    A relationship should be something in which both partners are mutually supportive. It really is true that you should be able to love and care for yourself and not get into a relationship with more baggage than you can swim with.

    Everyone needs to be loved, but can you love yourself? Think about it.