My night in Dallas

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  Apr 16, 2009 3:45 PM GMT

  Ok, so I wanted input from some folks here. This is my first post to these forums (I've been a long time reader... so I figured it was about time to register). Here's my saga:
  
  I had a boyfriend, for a little over 2 years that I brokeup with this past Valentine's day. I'm pretty much over it as I was the one who initiated the breaking-up. So, fast forwarding, I traveled to Dallas, TX for a conference and went out every night. The last night, I met this really hot guy and we had a very intense connection. We introduced each other, didn't say much and used eye contact to lure each other in. Before we knew it, we were making out in the bar and feeling each other up, etc.
  
  So - I've only been out (to myself) for a few years, and I'm now 27 (going on 28 soon -- ugh!), and although I've done a few things, penetration has not been one of them... Had to preface this next part with that first. So, after a good two hours of "hot stuff" in this bar and long contemplation, I decided in my mind to bring him back to the hotel with me. I asked him in his ear if he was "negative" and he looked down at his feet and looked back up at me and responded that he was "positive"...
  
  I stayed around with him in the bar for another 10-15 minutes to not make it look like I "darted", but I essentially pulled the rip cord at that point which I feel really bad about. I figured in my mind it was better to be safer and not go any further, even though yes - you can be safe, I know...
  
  So there's my story of my hot night out in Dallas... your thoughts? I'm not really into the whole "going out, finding a guy, bringing him home" type of thing - I went out on like 3 dates when I came out to myself, and they were one-date wonders. The fourth guy I ever went out with "stuck" and he was my last BF of 2+ yrs... Help me oh wise ones!
  
  Many thanks,
  - Eric

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• HndsmKansan
  
  Posts: 16327
  
  
  Apr 16, 2009 3:54 PM GMT

  Well Eric, let me say I'm going to to judge you for what happened. You made an instant decision regarding a hookup. You chose not to have sex with a guy who was HIV positive in your hotel room. Unless you were amply prepared, it probably wasn't a bad idea.
  
  The real issue is your treatment of this guy based on your views of him.
  Was he really a hook up or did you have (it sounds like it) some real ideas of getting to know him and developing some sort of relationship with him.
  If it was the latter, I'd reach out to him, being honest and try and set the
  "train back on the tracks". Always be honest.. tell him the deal, you've
  never been involved that way and kind of freaked. I do think if you are interested in getting to know the guy.. you slow down the "penetration" track until your confident and comfortable with his situation.
  
  I presume you got his name and phone number.
  
  One other question for you... when you asked him if he was negative and he said, "yes I'm negative".. what would you have done. If you went back to your hotel room, make sure you have everything to protect you.. don't rely on anything the other guy says.. he may not even know.
  
  Finally, I'm glad you are joining us on the forums. Please continue your participation!

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  Apr 16, 2009 4:16 PM GMT

  Thanks for your response (wow, my first one!)... Whats really sad is that I don't even remember his name. He was a bit older than me (38 in fact), but he looked like he was in his early 30's. I know he mentioned that he was "born and raised" in Dallas, which doesn't work very well for me living in New Jersey either. This really was looking like a one-night thing from the beginning, but just based on our connection/attraction, I know it would have been a very hot night. How do other people handle those they meet who are positive?
  
  ...and regarding your last question - yes, that crossed my mind afterwards as well. Its a scary thought that someone may in fact say they aren't just to "have a good time"... Hmm...

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• Webster666
  
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  Apr 17, 2009 1:40 AM GMT

  I think you made a terrible mistake.
  It sounds like that guy liked you enough and trusted you enough to bravely tell you the truth at the risk of being rejected, which is just what you did to him.
  Educate yourself on the possible ways of transmitting HIV.
  Practice safe sex, and you have nothing to worry about.
  
  
  If I had played with (or dated) only negative guys, I would have missed out on some really wonderful guys.

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  Apr 17, 2009 1:44 AM GMT

  Eloz saidOk, so I wanted input from some folks here. This is my first post to these forums (I've been a long time reader... so I figured it was about time to register). Here's my saga:
  
  I had a boyfriend, for a little over 2 years that I brokeup with this past Valentine's day. I'm pretty much over it as I was the one who initiated the breaking-up. So, fast forwarding, I traveled to Dallas, TX for a conference and went out every night. The last night, I met this really hot guy and we had a very intense connection. We introduced each other, didn't say much and used eye contact to lure each other in. Before we knew it, we were making out in the bar and feeling each other up, etc.
  
  So - I've only been out (to myself) for a few years, and I'm now 27 (going on 28 soon -- ugh!), and although I've done a few things, penetration has not been one of them... Had to preface this next part with that first. So, after a good two hours of "hot stuff" in this bar and long contemplation, I decided in my mind to bring him back to the hotel with me. I asked him in his ear if he was "negative" and he looked down at his feet and looked back up at me and responded that he was "positive"...
  
  I stayed around with him in the bar for another 10-15 minutes to not make it look like I "darted", but I essentially pulled the rip cord at that point which I feel really bad about. I figured in my mind it was better to be safer and not go any further, even though yes - you can be safe, I know...
  
  So there's my story of my hot night out in Dallas... your thoughts? I'm not really into the whole "going out, finding a guy, bringing him home" type of thing - I went out on like 3 dates when I came out to myself, and they were one-date wonders. The fourth guy I ever went out with "stuck" and he was my last BF of 2+ yrs... Help me oh wise ones!
  
  Many thanks,
  - Eric

  
  
  Congratulations! You made a good judgment and the party was honest with you, to his credit. Judgment saves lives, professions, careers, money. That's what "wise ones" do.
  
  Unfortunately, Dallas is the HIV capitol of Texas. It's a place of lots of folks that engage in a selfish, me, me, me, I, I, I, attitude that catches up with them.
  
  The Dallas HIV Committee along with a long list of professionals are working hard to change Dallas, and some of its behaviors.
  
  As with any contagious, fatal, disease, HIV has to be contained, and quarantined, even if not by fences. That's done via responsible, selfless, behavior.
  
  Kudos for a sound decision.
  
  Don't forget, "safe sex" is not always reliable. Sex is raw, even on a good day. The best solution is avoidance. You have no obligation to put your own health at risk, AND, you have a SOCIAL and PERSONAL responsibility to not take risks.
  
  You need to think of the greater good, from a selfless standpoint, when facing decisions like the above.

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