3-way couples...?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 01, 2007 4:49 PM GMT
    I've been very curious lately, not too long ago I was asked out by not one guy but a couple...not for sex, but a date. They wanted to expand their committed relationship to include a third person.

    I feel like it should be something that weirds me out yet I can't help but be compelled about it.

    what do you guys think, any experiences and also...could you point me in the direction of some literature that may address this kind of relationship (Strictly in the gay community of course).

  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Nov 01, 2007 5:25 PM GMT
    I think most people on here would be grateful to get one boyfriend at a time, let alone two. (only joking)

    I seem to remember there was a book out about 5 years ago called 'Three', I think that dealt with this issue.

    Personally, I think it's great being Gay, why should we have to conform to any rules as far as relationships go?

    Lozx
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    Nov 01, 2007 5:28 PM GMT
    I am casual friends with a couple of guys who, a number of years back, introduced a permanant "third" into their relationship and lives. Any given evening might find any possible combination of the group sleeping in bed together, with or without sex being involved. The two primary partners both love the third very much. There is no play for any of them, outside of their "family". The original couple has now been together more than 12 years, and they understand that there will be ebb and flow to relationships. The relationship works for all of them, on every level. Consider it a compliment of sorts, that they are interested in you being a part of their lives. However, before you run out and start looking at rings, lol, know that the "getting to know each other" phase will likely take time and experiences. The other two guys, and you, will all need to be very clear that everyone "fits" well...Good luck!
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Nov 01, 2007 5:33 PM GMT
    I know a "leather threesome" that are in a relationship here in Kansas. They are looking for a quartet. It is based on rules that those involved in
    the leather scene. They also have an open relationship
    as well.

    I don't try and understand, they are acquaintances and are always friendly to me and I return the courtesy.
    Whatever works I suppose.
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    Nov 01, 2007 7:30 PM GMT
    Thanks guys....and I don't really think 'Couples' is a heterosexual stipulation. I mean Gays have been pairing off in couples for lifetimes too.

    But there is something deep about it, idk...we'll see.
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    Nov 01, 2007 7:35 PM GMT
    Personally I don't see the point in an open relationship, just cause you're gay doesn't mean you should set out to break all barriers, I'd rather just be single and have fuck buddies than to have an open relationship
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Nov 02, 2007 10:20 AM GMT
    It kind of ruins what you're trying to strive for in a relationship to begin with
    to have one guy who's completely committed to you and the other way 'round
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    Nov 02, 2007 11:02 AM GMT
    me and my boyfriend play around together but we are completely devoted for one another

    nothing wrong with playing with other guys

    i wouldn't play around without him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 02, 2007 11:19 AM GMT
    One of the most successful couples I've ever known (over 35 year - really good years) had a third who would drift in and out of their lives from time to time. Always a good close friend, sometimes a 3rd in the relationship, sometimes living apart (even in a different city).

    They continued in this mode for 15-20 years at least, until about a year ago one of the primary pair died.

    It worked beautifully for them - but there weren't that many "rules" about it. And there was also a pretty clear sense that the first two were the primary connection.

    - J.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 02, 2007 11:45 AM GMT
    GQjockIt kind of ruins what you're trying to strive for in a relationship to begin with
    to have one guy who's completely committed to you and the other way 'round


    I've never understood why a wholehearted commitment to someone "naturally" means "forsaking all others," or why the goal of a relationship should always obviously be one guy. The moment you make a claim to never, ever being able to love another person, you set yourself up for a high likelihood of failure and create a breeding ground for jealousy.

    Our hearts are large enough. And loving more doesn't cheapen the love we already have.

    I had a triad relationship throughout grad school (with another man and a woman, and if you don't think that took some adjustment...) The turning point for me came with realizing (a) I am not absolutely everything my partner requires or wants out of life, (b) he isn't that for me, either, and (c) we both love the person who has become our best friend because of points (a) and (b). We'd had an open relationship before that (he was bi), which made the transition a bit easier, but we closed the relationship after Liz joined. All around, it had about the same amount of crap and candy as any relationship. Just different kinds.

    Some references, with varying degrees of helpfulness:
    Redefining our Relationships: Guidelines for Responsible Open Relationships
    Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless and Hopeful
    The Threesome Handbook
    Fuck You-Aloha-I Love You
    World Polyamory Association

    Most of them aren't strictly gay, but really - it's tough to have a triad relationship that isn't queer. And, sad to say, there's a relative shortage of intelligent gay literature. If you're a theory nerd, check out anything by Michael Warner, who is the Eddie Izzard of queer studies.

    Best of luck! And whatever you decide, I'm glad you're open-minded enough that the very thought of a different valid relationship doesn't make your anus clench in fear. ;-p
  • SpartanJock

    Posts: 199

    Nov 02, 2007 2:48 PM GMT
    mt_hermitI've never understood why a wholehearted commitment to someone "naturally" means "forsaking all others," or why the goal of a relationship should always obviously be one guy. The moment you make a claim to never, ever being able to love another person, you set yourself up for a high likelihood of failure and create a breeding ground for jealousy.

    Our hearts are large enough. And loving more doesn't cheapen the love we already have.


    I completely agree. If you can have had several exes (serially) and have loved each of them, why can you not love more than one person at the same time? I don't think it's about breaking every barrier, but rather we have the blank slate (so to speak) to create our own definition of committed relationships. Be it with one person of the same gender, one person of the opposite gender, five people of different genders....you get the idea. It's about creating committed relationships that are deeply meaningful to those within the relationship itself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 02, 2007 7:28 PM GMT
    aren't they just greedy... all i can say
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 02, 2007 7:45 PM GMT
    It is about time gays stop trying to imitate heterosexuals and define their own values.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 02, 2007 8:35 PM GMT
    well I dont think couples were really started by heteosexuals burningman lol....I mean, in the dark ages and before men paired off in couples too.

    I never really understand why because heteros do it, some gay men feel doing it will be like conforming to heterosexual society.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 02, 2007 9:38 PM GMT
    I actually received a similar offer recently, on this site if i remember correctly. seeing as we are both in NYC I wouldn't doubt if they were the same couple. I have also been offered this proposition by a couple i had met in real life.

    I think that this is a scenario that can work for certain people. there are people who are open to this kind of situation and are able to pull it off. for other people this would never work based purely on jealousy reasons. I think these situations are easiest if they start out as a three way relationship from the beginning. when you bring a third person into a relationship i fell like there will usually be a feeling that the original two are the primary couple and the third is an add on, at least that is the way I felt when it was offered in real life. I know I wouldnt be able to handle the situation, I personally like my bf to be my bf and my bf only. If you think you can handle the situation and the couple is to your liking, I encourage you to try it. at the end of the day the worst that can happen is it wont work out and even then you might still end up with two great friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 02, 2007 10:20 PM GMT
    Chungo-

    I was not asked from members of this site...so it probably wasn't the same people.

    thank you though for giving your input. I think though, I may not have what it takes too actually get serious about this situation...but my date is in a week so...I'll fill in details.
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    Nov 02, 2007 10:36 PM GMT
    good luck with that
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    Nov 02, 2007 11:21 PM GMT
    I just cannot see how that can or would work. Unless you all 3 met at the same time, dated, played then decided to go forward as a trupple? I have seen a few posts where couples are looking for a third. In my interpitation they were looking for someone to cook and clean for them..LOL! I am intrigued now though, but still trying to meet just one guy so have a ways to go here!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 03, 2007 4:27 PM GMT
    I I think the third relationship think happens when a couple has been together over the 5 year mark. I have friends from London and Austria that have dated a third guy together. It is really strange to me because I come from the old school of relationships. Where you only do a duet and not a trio. I been with my companion for 2 years now and it's a realationship opened to guys if they are hot and we both agree, but that rarely happens lol. Our taste are totally different. For a third to come along. I guess we would have to be really used to each other. He still don't know all about me lol.



  • Alan95823

    Posts: 306

    Nov 03, 2007 6:15 PM GMT
    I would think that, when being courted by a couple, it would be a bit overwhelming. I mean, one guy being romantic towards you can be pretty heady, but if TWO guys are pouring it on simultaneously as a team, that might just sweep you off your feet if the strangeness of an unusual situation didn't bother you.

    Personally, I'd love to have a 5-way relationship, all of us living in a big house with enough bedrooms so that one could sleep alone if the mood strikes. Imagining being romantic/sexual with that many people at once sounds all warm and cozy... that's a whole lotta love, after all.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 03, 2007 7:38 PM GMT
    if three of you met on the same time and agree to stay together, i think it would be okay. but putting yourself into a relationship that was already built for years, i don't think is a good idea(you might be an appetizer or dessert, but never a main dish). btw, try to watch "SHORTBUS" you might learn something from that movie.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Nov 03, 2007 11:55 PM GMT
    There is a guy I know from my gym who has had the same B/F since college. He recently told me his other half introduced a 3rd into their relationship. He said it's ok but I kinda read through the lines. It is not ok with him. He didn't smile once while telling the story and he didn't say one nice thing about the other guy?? In fact he seemed to be hoping the 3rd would get bored and leave. I don't get it??? I think it will probably wreck their relationship. This was 4 months ago and I haven't seen him at the gym since. He loves the gym.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 04, 2007 1:50 AM GMT
    I guess it all depends on the person you are. Some people have the innate ability to truely love more than one person, while others can only devote themselves to one. I believe that the situation in which you are in is a wonderful one. If they are serious about accepting you as a lover to both of them then that is a great compliment in your direction.

    But the true question is...are you able to truely love two people at once? Sure have sex with them, but truely love them? When your in a relationship you have to be completely devout to your partner(partners). Can you eaqually distribute your love? Do you have enough love to fulfill what they both need?

    If you can then, then can they? The last thing you want to do is get into a relationship to quickly only to realize that it is all falling apart. Take it slow, it is hard enough to balance the emotions and views of two people in a solid relationship, but to balance those emotions and views in three people...now that is going to be extra hard. Make sure that this is what each of you want. Because if it is just something that only two of you really want then it will just crash and burn. It has to be the will of all three of you together.

    I am hoping all the best for you and truely hope you find the right path.
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    Nov 04, 2007 2:18 AM GMT
    I think couples are for breeding purposes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 04, 2007 4:07 AM GMT
    huh...breeding purposes huh?....have you never fallen in love with just one person?