Why do you want to be in love?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 18, 2009 8:21 AM GMT
    This is a spin off another thread:

    Hhttp://www.realjock.com/gayforums/494142/

    Whether you posted to that or not:

    Why do you want what you want romantically?

    Where do you think this idea of what you want comes from?

    Have you had it before, have you seen it somewhere? Why do you think you want it?

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    Apr 18, 2009 2:55 PM GMT
    The goal is to get the maximum amount of smooches, duh
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 18, 2009 4:17 PM GMT
    acuariosalvaje saidThis is a spin off another thread:

    Hhttp://www.realjock.com/gayforums/494142/

    Whether you posted to that or not:

    Why do you want what you want romantically?

    Where do you think this idea of what you want comes from?

    Have you had it before, have you seen it somewhere? Why do you think you want it?



    May pay lower taxes if I were to file jointly icon_biggrin.gificon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 18, 2009 4:41 PM GMT
    jprichva saidWho says I do?

    Love is messy and time-consuming. Yeah icon_wink.gif but it only takes a few minutes to change the sheets...

    Love means putting up with someone else's shit. Shit's a fertilizer... unexpected things can grow.

    Love means annoying compromises. Ya got me there... after years of trying, I can almost say I enjoy puttin' on tux and goin' to the opera.

    Phoooey. Bring it on!
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    Apr 18, 2009 5:07 PM GMT
    Hard question. We spend so long trying to figure out what love is.

    I want to be myself around a guy who wants to be around me because he thinks I'm great and I think he's great. I want the company. The connection. And of course the physical and electric sensation of touch. I think that loneliness is a strong emotion that many of us hate to feel. We just want to share our life with someone.

    I do escape to novels with "unrealistic" romance...I figure that there has to be someone else who holds out slight hope that it can happen. My parents have been married for over 30 years, and I would love to find someone that can be with me like they are together.
  • underbearboy

    Posts: 74

    Apr 18, 2009 5:09 PM GMT
    Why do you want what you want romantically?

    "When you're REALLY in love the world is just that much more a beautiful place... you thank God for being alive every day to enjoy it. No doubt though, if such a love fails... well, then life can suck big time (at least for awhile)."
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Where do you think this idea of what you want comes from?

    "Oh, easy... 1940's movie musicals! LOL"
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Have you had it before, have you seen it somewhere? Why do you think you want it?

    "I loved my partner, yes, of 12 years, up until he passed away"

    "I was IN love quite passionately with my second partner of 6 months, until he had a sudden, and catastrophic heart attack"

    "My older brother, 65, has been with his male partner for over 35 years - and considering the health situations they've faced together, I have no doubt they love each other still. I also think they've made the effort - kinkwise - to keep the sex fresh. There are views which I don't with my brother... but I have great respect for his relationship with his partner"

    "Both my brother and I saw our parents have an angry, spiteful relationship with each other... I think, instead of turning us "off" to love and commitment... it has made us want to find the 'right' guy and MAKE the commitment for the long-term. That said, I have a problem I suppose with folks who say that having a relationship is lot of work... I dunno, if it is 'work' then I wonder if he's not the right guy?"
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    Apr 18, 2009 5:18 PM GMT
    we all want to feel loved, desired, appreciated, important- if only to one other person we equally esteem. its pretty much hard-wired into us, i think.

    aside from that basic drive (is love an addiction like crack? the highs are so high and the lows are SO low?), i'd say it'd just be nice to have someone to cuddle up with on a regular basis, and feel secure and content in doing so.

    not to mention the sex privileges icon_smile.gif and sex is ALWAYS better when it counts for something.
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    Apr 18, 2009 6:01 PM GMT
    I've been out since I was in 9th grade and my ideas of love, being in it, wanting it, and now, the odds of ever finding it have all changed so much. Most recently my thinking is that with gay men only making up 2-5% of the male population, we can not compare our struggle to find someone to straight people who have well over 95% of the population as potential mates. It's a very difficult, heartbreaking, angering quest that can tear away at your self esteem - particularly when you see your straight peers your age getting engaged, having kids, really getting to the essence of creating their own family, and you're still waiting for someone who is capable of a second date. You quickly realize how much you've missed out on and how much you've fallen behind them. We shouldn't compare ourselves to those who have so many more options than we do, but it's hard not to. You start to wonder what's wrong with you - you move to the gay cities, suddenly the bar is raised to high that you will never be good enough or rich enough for the gay guys. You go to the small cities where everyone is still closeted or will never be capable of the kind of relationship you need. And the worst thing is when you find that the reason you came out (because you were attracted to the kinds of men who were strong, confident, masculine, etc., don't seem to be anywhere in the gay world - that sinking fear that the stereotypes were true all along).

    I wanted to be in love but not by default. I don't want to fake being in love just because I'm gay and the other gay is gay, he's here and I'm here, so it's either him or nothing. That seems to be the only option I am seeing. The interests, physical and emotional attractions that draw me to men have been worthless as those men are never gay; the ones who are tend to have an exaggerated female personality and no matter how much he works out or how much muscle he puts on, in the end, you're getting what you're listening to. It's hard to get hard when the guy talks, thinks and acts like the girls who were cool to hang out with in school, but no sparks. No sparks again. And trying too hard to act like something else just makes it worse. It's nearly impossible to find genuinely masculine, confident, wear what's comfortable, let things fall into place guy-guys. In all this time I've been out I've looked and not looked and never found one. Love is a give and take and certainly more than just physical but let's be real here - with two men, if one or neither one is getting hard around the time that intimacy begins, you're headed for nothing within six weeks. You can't build a foundation when there's nothing to build on. And as negative and sad as this seems, the truth is that there's just not enough of us (in one place at the same time) that can complement each other sexually, emotionally and have our interests match enough where we would be good to pair up...too often we have so much in common it drives us insane and we compete and fight like the dickens, or we have nothing in common which turns us against each other and wonder why we even bothered meeting in the first place.

    Male couplings are totally different from male-female or even female-female. Something happens with two guys that, when things go sour, they end abruptly; we still are a very anonymous people, and we have never been taught to really care about what happens to the other guy - just get rid of him - usually our family doesn't know or doesn't care about our sex life, which makes it all that much easier. But look at the average gay man and the emotional scars he has from all these years of relationships that only lasted 3-24 months, with a 5 year wait in between for another one, and sometimes I wonder if we even know what love is. Our whole lives have been defined by hurt, isolation, anonymity and anger.
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    Apr 18, 2009 6:05 PM GMT
    sorry for the novel. had a lot to unload
  • TallGWMvballe...

    Posts: 1925

    Apr 18, 2009 6:34 PM GMT
    DuluthMN saidsorry for the novel. had a lot to unload


    WOW I feel sorry for you that at such a young age you are you bitter and have lost hope.
    Please know that in this huge world there must be a good match for you and that you are THAT good match for him as well.
    Please keep faith and hope alive..... I try very hard myself,
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    Apr 18, 2009 8:22 PM GMT
    DuluthMN saidsorry for the novel. had a lot to unload


    I read you post carefully - as well as some others that you have written. While you have every right to feel as you do and express yourself (which you do beautifully) my concern is that your views are rather negative, and they will be (and possibly have been) an impediment to your meeting the kinds of top quality guys you want and deserve to meet.

    You are a good looking, intelligent guy - with a lot going for you. I don't need to list your attributes - anyone can see and read a lot of good things about you. I'm sorry you've met some losers - or strange type guys - but please don't throw in the towel. Believe me - there are a lot of guys I know who would be just your type - they're out there - and they share your frustration in not being able to find guys with common traits. My only suggestions would be to consider adopting a more upbeat attitude and checking out larger cities. Join groups of guys doing things you like - and you'll eventually meet the kinds of total quality guys you deserve. I don't mean this to sound like a quick fix - because it takes work and time - but you can do it!

    Good luck and the best of everything to you.
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    Apr 18, 2009 8:41 PM GMT
    DuluthMN saidsorry for the novel. had a lot to unload


    There is something eloquent about what you wrote that I can't quite wrap my hands around, but I hear you and get it icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 18, 2009 8:42 PM GMT
    cuz ive never gone thru it icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 19, 2009 12:07 AM GMT
    czarodziej saidwe all want to feel loved, desired, appreciated, important- if only to one other person we equally esteem. its pretty much hard-wired into us, i think.

    aside from that basic drive (is love an addiction like crack? the highs are so high and the lows are SO low?), i'd say it'd just be nice to have someone to cuddle up with on a regular basis, and feel secure and content in doing so.

    not to mention the sex privileges icon_smile.gif and sex is ALWAYS better when it counts for something.


    I'd have to agree with this 100% but I would also add that part of the benefits of being in a relationship is so that you can be totally candid with someone, and count on someone, like you would count on yourself. There's a sense of reassurance and security knowing that you're not alone in life.
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    Apr 19, 2009 12:29 AM GMT
    Jockbod48 said
    DuluthMN saidsorry for the novel. had a lot to unload

    I read you post carefully - as well as some others that you have written. While you have every right to feel as you do and express yourself (which you do beautifully) my concern is that your views are rather negative, and they will be (and possibly have been) an impediment to your meeting the kinds of top quality guys you want and deserve to meet. .....
    My only suggestions would be to consider adopting a more upbeat attitude and checking out larger cities. Join groups of guys doing things you like - and you'll eventually meet the kinds of total quality guys you deserve. I don't mean this to sound like a quick fix - because it takes work and time - but you can do it!

    I agree with this comment. I've noticed Duluth's posts in other threads and they've struck me as a sort of cri de coeur from someone who ought to have had a better and happier life than he has. Jockbod's advice is sound.
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    Apr 19, 2009 12:35 AM GMT
    because love is the many splendid thing!icon_biggrin.gif
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    Apr 19, 2009 12:38 AM GMT
    Right now I don't want to be in love. When I do I'll try to get back to you on it.
  • cyclone

    Posts: 46

    Apr 19, 2009 5:21 AM GMT
    DuluthMN saidsorry for the novel. had a lot to unload


    Read your post and I agree with some of the things expressed.
    If you think finding the right guy is tough in Minnesota, then stay away from Atlanta. It's rough here too. Most of us gay Atlantans are destined to be single forever. icon_twisted.gif

    Have you tried looking for love in New York City yet? It's tough there too but at least there are more fish in the sea.icon_smile.gif

    LOVE = You for me, me for you.
  • Little_Spoon

    Posts: 1562

    Apr 19, 2009 5:27 AM GMT
    I don't just want to be involved with someone. I want to be romantically involved with someone.
  • qalbi30

    Posts: 116

    Apr 19, 2009 6:14 AM GMT
    Thanks for such an interesting post.

    I would like to make a comment,it appears that we do not have role models in our quest for love as in the straight world.

    This can be to our advantage ,if we start with basic physical attraction then look for somebody with the same interests we limit ourselves.
    Love comes in many shapes and sizes ( no pun intended) and we have to be open to love others "warts and all".
    Its is not how long a relationship lasts it is the quality that counts,we are all growing and what we call love in our 20's can be different as we age.
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    Apr 20, 2009 1:47 PM GMT
    TheIStrat saidThe goal is to get the maximum amount of smooches, duh


    and cookies.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 20, 2009 1:47 PM GMT
    i don't.... i wanna be out of love right now, and just "in lust."
  • jrs1

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    May 02, 2009 4:43 AM GMT

    ... Because it's awesome? icon_rolleyes.gif
  • bigguysf

    Posts: 329

    May 02, 2009 5:13 AM GMT
    I actually don't think I want to these days icon_eek.gif
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    May 06, 2009 6:19 AM GMT
    DuluthMN saidsorry for the novel. had a lot to unload


    I completely hear what you are saying. You write it so amazingly....almost poetically.

    I also want to say TO THINK IS TO CREATE