I've been out since I was in 9th grade and my ideas of love, being in it, wanting it, and now, the odds of ever finding it have all changed so much. Most recently my thinking is that with gay men only making up 2-5% of the male population, we can not compare our struggle to find someone to straight people who have well over 95% of the population as potential mates. It's a very difficult, heartbreaking, angering quest that can tear away at your self esteem - particularly when you see your straight peers your age getting engaged, having kids, really getting to the essence of creating their own family, and you're still waiting for someone who is capable of a second date. You quickly realize how much you've missed out on and how much you've fallen behind them. We shouldn't compare ourselves to those who have so many more options than we do, but it's hard not to. You start to wonder what's wrong with you - you move to the gay cities, suddenly the bar is raised to high that you will never be good enough or rich enough for the gay guys. You go to the small cities where everyone is still closeted or will never be capable of the kind of relationship you need. And the worst thing is when you find that the reason you came out (because you were attracted to the kinds of men who were strong, confident, masculine, etc., don't seem to be anywhere in the gay world - that sinking fear that the stereotypes were true all along).
I wanted to be in love but not by default. I don't want to fake being in love just because I'm gay and the other gay is gay, he's here and I'm here, so it's either him or nothing. That seems to be the only option I am seeing. The interests, physical and emotional attractions that draw me to men have been worthless as those men are never gay; the ones who are tend to have an exaggerated female personality and no matter how much he works out or how much muscle he puts on, in the end, you're getting what you're listening to. It's hard to get hard when the guy talks, thinks and acts like the girls who were cool to hang out with in school, but no sparks. No sparks again. And trying too hard to act like something else just makes it worse. It's nearly impossible to find genuinely masculine, confident, wear what's comfortable, let things fall into place guy-guys. In all this time I've been out I've looked and not looked and never found one. Love is a give and take and certainly more than just physical but let's be real here - with two men, if one or neither one is getting hard around the time that intimacy begins, you're headed for nothing within six weeks. You can't build a foundation when there's nothing to build on. And as negative and sad as this seems, the truth is that there's just not enough of us (in one place at the same time) that can complement each other sexually, emotionally and have our interests match enough where we would be good to pair up...too often we have so much in common it drives us insane and we compete and fight like the dickens, or we have nothing in common which turns us against each other and wonder why we even bothered meeting in the first place.
Male couplings are totally different from male-female or even female-female. Something happens with two guys that, when things go sour, they end abruptly; we still are a very anonymous people, and we have never been taught to really care about what happens to the other guy - just get rid of him - usually our family doesn't know or doesn't care about our sex life, which makes it all that much easier. But look at the average gay man and the emotional scars he has from all these years of relationships that only lasted 3-24 months, with a 5 year wait in between for another one, and sometimes I wonder if we even know what love is. Our whole lives have been defined by hurt, isolation, anonymity and anger.