LTR ....need some advice

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 19, 2009 8:12 AM GMT
    I have been with my husband for 12yrs and love him very much. But (there is always a but) our sex life is down to nil'. Like once every 2-3 months.... I know he loves me and I love him and we show affection constantly to each other but when it come down to the nitty gritty.... nada.

    I know some of it is my fault since I found out a couple of years ago that I was lactose intolerant and for the past 3 years I was going to school full time, working full time and doing student teaching; hence, our sex life has gone down hill. I went back to the gym about 6 months ago to get healthier and (so they say) jump start my libido but there has not been much improvement.

    Any advice or is this just a natural phase in LTR?

    Thanks again for all your help and advice.
  • underbearboy

    Posts: 74

    Apr 19, 2009 9:08 AM GMT
    Uh, well how long has this period of 'little sex' been going on? During the course of my relationship of 12 years there were period of say 3-4 months when there was little sex... either because of depression about death of my parents in one year... or his incurable heart condition which left him withdrawn from me. In both cases we KNEW the reasons why..., and rolled with it. We both eventually bounced back into a fairly enjoyable sex life.

    Have you talked with your partner about all this? Have you spoken to doctor to make sure nothing medical is happening? How adventurous are you both together in the sack (fantasies and kink and trying new things)?

    You need to find out the answers to these questions.

    Peace,
    Brian
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Apr 19, 2009 12:02 PM GMT
    Well Gaymedes .....

    Since you're the one complaining and you're the one here who's in this relationship you kinda got the ball in your hand so to speak

    You want more sex? Or you want your sex life to change?
    So sit yourself down and think of how much and what kind of sex you'd like to have
    Once a week twice a week?
    Swinging from the chandeliers or just plain vanilla?
    Try initiating sex more
    See where this takes you ... if you can't do that then maybe it's time to think of somewhere else
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 19, 2009 3:12 PM GMT



    Hey Gaymedes, not enough info about your relationship to say much, except that sex in a good relationship can be like the ocean - the tide comes in, the tide goes out, then the tide comes in....

    underbearboy makes some good points. We'd say it also hinges on your ability to relax..trying or focusing too much on this aspect of your relationship can create performance anxiety among other things.

    "I went back to the gym about 6 months ago to get healthier and (so they say) jump start my libido but there has not been much improvement."

    ....so how's your partner's libido?




  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 19, 2009 3:48 PM GMT
    Here in lies the problem I have with "monogamous relationships". I think there are two components to a relationship, love and sex. For one person to say you can not have sex with anyone else, oh and by the way, I'm not giving it either is wrong. If your relationship is strong and established (12 yrs is established) and it's just sex that is missing (for either) for whatever reason, then you need to talk to him about having something more open. With a strong love you can draw up boundaries and fulfill the sexual part without losing the relationship. Only catch is that is MUST include very open and honest communications between the two of you. If one says no way, then it will be up to that person to fulfill the obligation to the other for sex as often as the other needs it. If they can't, then they've failed in the relationship. If the love is there, the trust is there and the open communications is there, then the sex can be adjusted to meet the need. Don't let the sex ruin a good relationship. Spice it up, get outside the box, both of you. Just my two cents. Good luck man, keep us informed of how it's going.
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    Apr 19, 2009 3:53 PM GMT
    well in the past couple of months I initiated 4 times and have been turned down 3..... not great for my self esteem. and yes Meninlove, i do get quite anxious recently in bed so that kind of hinders my performance.

    We have talked a little about it and he doesn't understand why either. We do have different sleep patterns (well i don't really have one but he does). I usually go to bed a few hours later than him.

    We have ventured into some kinky stuff in the past but I am not overly into it and mostly don't find it enjoyable.

    Thanks again for the advice.