So I have a Guilty Conscience

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    Apr 20, 2009 4:16 AM GMT
    Maybe some of you guys on RJ can help me with some advice on a very awkward situation that played out this weekend.

    So I went to Lake Havasu with a group of friends, two of which are in relationships. Friday night, after drinking all day, two of the guys headed out with me to a club, the other folks stayed home. One of the guys that went out to the bar with me has acted a bit flirty with me on several occasions. The more drunk he gets, it seems the more he has a tendency to throw himself at me. The relationship he is in is on and off at least once a month. They broke up earlier this week and were back together by Thursday afternoon when we headed out of town.

    So a long story short, several drinks and shots, a stop at another bar and the flirting goes way over the top to being downright sexual. Here is where my moral's should have kicked in, being that this guy is in a relationship, supposedly straight and by all of my rules off limits.

    We headed back to my house, everyone was crashed out, went to the pool house which is not attached to the main house and next thing I know I am sucking him off. There was some protest a few times, I was really hammered and I do remember hearing I have a girlfriend, all be it after I had all ready had his dick in my mouth. We ended up in the shower, he gave me some AMAZING head, I returned the favor. We tried to go a bit further but not having any lube kind of made that impossible. After about an hour, his girlfriend starts calling his phone. She had woken up on the other side of the house and was wondering where we were at. He gets out of the shower and I finish cleaning off in the shower and step out to the two of them.

    I still do not believe what happened, actually happened, but now I honestly feel like a home wrecker and that it could jeoprodise my friendship with him as well as with her.

    I really feel guilty. I am usually good at setting up boundaries which are never crossed. It is a prime example of my dick thinking for me instead of my brain. I have had several encounters with supposedly straight men. I was with this one guy at the end of high school who really turned me head over heels and I swore I would never allow myself to get in this situation again.

    At this point, any advice on how I should proceed would be appreciated. He got really drunk again yesterday afternoon and started saying things right in front of his girlfriend that to me made the situation seem extremely volatile.

    Thanks Guys! All I keep thinking is that I am a home wrecker! icon_evil.gif
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    Apr 20, 2009 5:12 AM GMT
    Stop beating yourself up over this - the fact is he CHOSE to put himself in that situation as much (probably even more by your description) as you did. You can't ignore the fact that this has happened but you can try to move on, maybe just stay away from the two of them for a little while till the situation sort of cools down.
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    Apr 20, 2009 5:18 AM GMT
    This is tricky...

    If it was me, I'd take it as a lesson and probably have to say goodbye to both of them. I cant think of any way around it. The only way you'll relieve your conscience is by being open. In that they'll say goodbye anyways. It's probably best you just cut yourself out of their nutty life and let them deal with this on their own.

    If anything, the next time he makes suggestive comments you should put him in his place. Otherwise, I'd just tell your girl-friend. He's looking for another reason out anyways, so don't feel guilty about the breakup, just for crossing a line.
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    Apr 20, 2009 5:29 AM GMT
    Looknrnd saidThis is tricky...

    If it was me, I'd take it as a lesson and probably have to say goodbye to both of them. I cant think of any way around it. The only way you'll relieve your conscience is by being open. In that they'll say goodbye anyways. It's probably best you just cut yourself out of their nutty life and let them deal with this on their own.

    If anything, the next time he makes suggestive comments you should put him in his place. Otherwise, I'd just tell your girl-friend. He's looking for another reason out anyways, so don't feel guilty about the breakup, just for crossing a line.


    Ohh maybe I might have made the story confusing but I am not with any girl. I am into guys and feel like that makes me a target for straight friends who might be curious.
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    Apr 20, 2009 5:38 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]downeydjman said

    Ohh maybe I might have made the story confusing but I am not with any girl. I am into guys and feel like that makes me a target for straight friends who might be curious. [/quote]

    LOL! I assumed you were into guys - it's a Gay site. I use "girl-friend" with a dash to identify her as just a friend. You made is seem like you were friendly with her, and he's just a mess you need to get away from.
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    Apr 20, 2009 5:45 AM GMT
    Well, it seems as if the attraction and heat was very mutual. However, given you knowing the history the two and hoping you know the way alcohol takes over and loosens you up....Yea, I think you are as guilty as he oughta feel, even if he initiated it, you finished it. I must make mention that while you say lube prevented you from doing anything further than head, I was wondering and hoping that a condom was/would have been involved. I suppose the main culprit was the alcohol, but with the knowledge you had, you probably should have not drank as much,

    Me in your shoes, I am having a conversation with him to talk about it and set some boundaries. What happens to the friendship is then left up to the agreement of after the sex conversation, but the friendship should not be based upon or connected to the encounter. I hope you can move on peacefully. Sounds like you are having a hard time with this.
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    Apr 20, 2009 6:03 AM GMT
    i agree that you should get out of the way while he trips over himself to come out of the closet.

    you've already said your mea culpa, and since you can't undo this (as if you'd want to... muahahaha), and since you can't make it better by admitting it to the woman, and since they're not married (and barely dating, depending on the hour of the day)... just learn the lesson(s) and move on.
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    Apr 20, 2009 6:26 AM GMT

    I know it is easy to say this in retrospect, but I guess the answer is watch the alcohol intake. Ok, you feel bad about it but learn the lesson and move on. Most of us have behaved in ways we rather we had not at sometime or another.
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    Apr 20, 2009 7:01 AM GMT
    This reminds me of that old old joke:

    "What's the difference between a straight man and a gay man?"

    About six cans of lager.

    Boom boom.

    Moral of the story: men are dogs and will do anything when they've had a few drinks.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 20, 2009 1:06 PM GMT
    Well, you can blame your dick or take responsibility....

    In the end, you shouldn't have gone there, not only because it probably wasn't the best thing to do, but rather the grief that may come as a result.
    Your friend may shun you now.. but you also may be the subject of the rumor mill and some nasty behavior from friends of the girlfriend. Maybe it won't be that bad.

    But there's another point and thats your behavior. As you get older, I hope you consider how this bs will make you feel about yourself. There isn't anything wrong with your having sex with him, provided he isn't in a relationship.. and I don't care that it was on the rocks or not, the point is, your friend is now in a difficult position... and you helped put him there.
    Does he share responsbility in what happened? Sure, he was pretty dumb.
    But you could have prevented it.

    My suggestion, make this a life changing event. Do whats right in the future, right for all involved. In the end, you will gain confidence in yourself knowing your behavior is beyond reproach....
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Apr 20, 2009 1:12 PM GMT
    downeydjman said
    Looknrnd saidThis is tricky...

    If it was me, I'd take it as a lesson and probably have to say goodbye to both of them. I cant think of any way around it. The only way you'll relieve your conscience is by being open. In that they'll say goodbye anyways. It's probably best you just cut yourself out of their nutty life and let them deal with this on their own.

    If anything, the next time he makes suggestive comments you should put him in his place. Otherwise, I'd just tell your girl-friend. He's looking for another reason out anyways, so don't feel guilty about the breakup, just for crossing a line.


    Ohh maybe I might have made the story confusing but I am not with any girl. I am into guys and feel like that makes me a target for straight friends who might be curious.


    Friends don't target other friends. If you don't want to be their experiment, then don't be.

    You're not happy with your actions, ok. Don't beat yourself up about it. It's not like you tied the guy down and forced yourself on him. If you don't want it to happen again, then don't. Take yourself out of these situations in the future.
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    Apr 20, 2009 1:14 PM GMT
    Are you friends with the girlfriend? If you have any insight into their sexual practices she might need to know that her sometimes boyfriend is sleeping with other guys. If she is just on the pill that boy can pump her full of infection, turning her vag into a petri dish.

    While this guy is going to be a colossal fuck up while he comes to grips with his sexuality (he might be straight, no really) giving his beard the clap is unnecessary. Do what a friend has to do.
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    Apr 20, 2009 2:06 PM GMT
    I have to say that alcohol is a poor excuse for messing around with someone in a relationship, regardless of the stability of that relationship.

    Would you want your significant other fucking around on you?

    That being said. It is what it is now. No need to feel guilt. What's done is done. Hopefully dude will wake up, decide what he wants and do what's right. His girlfriend obviously deserves a better guy. You obviously deserve a better guy.
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    Apr 20, 2009 3:13 PM GMT

    Ahhh, Guilt, taste good doesn't it? I like mine in moderation and I feel it less and less as I get older and realize I am in total control over the things I do. I know as a youngin like you are, sometimes it feels like you are a prisoner of your own body and as you think the most prudent behavior, your body does the opposite, seemingly on its own. This'll even out as you get older, I think because, if enough consequences of your actions whip your ass often enough, you accrue enough incentive to control yourself.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Apr 20, 2009 3:18 PM GMT
    The guiltiness can stop ....
    it sounds like this guy did what he wanted to do

    But you're going to have to live with the consequences
    These so-called "friends" might not be after this all settles

    and they might bad-mouth you and try to pin the blame on you
    a closeted gay man acting str8 is def going to try to salvage his reputation even though he was the instigator

    So buck up you really didn't do anything wrong except that you acted on your impulses rather than your head
    The next time you want a blow job get it from someone without the baggage
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    Apr 20, 2009 3:21 PM GMT
    The important thing is the you realize that your actions weren't correct and you feel bad about it....that's very good and very much appreciated (given the situation). The fact of the matter is that what's done is done and beating yourself over it isn't going to change that. Use the experience to learn and dont repeat what you did again. This guy..your "friend" seems like a trainwreck in terms of hsi sexuality and relationships and the closer you get to him, the more at risk you are of becoming a casualty as he comes to terms with whatever he's coming to terms with/dealing wiht and in ther end, there's a chance the you'll get hurt. I say be wary of this person and next time, think wiht the head thats not in your pants.icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 20, 2009 4:40 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidAre you friends with the girlfriend? If you have any insight into their sexual practices she might need to know that her sometimes boyfriend is sleeping with other guys. If she is just on the pill that boy can pump her full of infection, turning her vag into a petri dish.

    While this guy is going to be a colossal fuck up while he comes to grips with his sexuality (he might be straight, no really) giving his beard the clap is unnecessary. Do what a friend has to do.


    No trust me, I know this guy and he is not sleeping with anyone but her and now after this one time mistake me. I am a clean and safe guy. Obviously I meant condom and lube....

    Anyways, the guilt I feel is obviously because if I was in her position I would be angry. I think the reason why I really let it happen is because he has teased me so often and I finally was like F it! Not a good reason, but it makes sense to me.

    I think my course of action will be to let him discuss it with me when he feels comfortable doing so.

    I just lost my brother 7 weeks ago to suicide so I am struggling with life and guilt enough to let this get the best of me.

    Thank's guys for the insight, appreciate some alternative perspectives!
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    Apr 20, 2009 4:50 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]downeydjman said[/cite]

    No trust me, I know this guy and he is not sleeping with anyone but her and now after this one time mistake me. I am a clean and safe guy. Obviously I meant condom and lube....

    [quote/]

    Yeah, he obviously doesn't cheat....
    ....did you just call yourself a mistake? Why can't he be a mistake (gay submission to the breeder, yack).

    A host of STD's can be transmitted through oral sex: chlamidia and Gonorrhea being two. It's bad when guys get it, but even uglier when girls do. Yes it can make a woman sterile and be asymptomatic almost 75% of the time!
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    Apr 20, 2009 5:19 PM GMT
    downeydjman saidNo trust me, I know this guy and he is not sleeping with anyone but her and now after this one time mistake me. I am a clean and safe guy. Obviously I meant condom and lube....


    If he is flirting with you he is probably flirting with other people. From his own behavior, fidelity is meaningless to him. Kudos to you for playing safe with condoms and lube, but is he engaging in the same rational behavior with other people? I mean, he had sex with you in the same house while his girlfriend slept. He is obviously a risk taker. Also, he blew you like a champ. He all remember those awkward first-time BJs, and they were not as great as you described.

    I am sorry to hear about your brother. You need some good friends right now, and not people who draw you into their tawdry little psychodrama. You have a lot of emotional stuff on your plate right now, do you really want to add this?
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    Apr 20, 2009 5:40 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie said
    downeydjman saidNo trust me, I know this guy and he is not sleeping with anyone but her and now after this one time mistake me. I am a clean and safe guy. Obviously I meant condom and lube....


    If he is flirting with you he is probably flirting with other people. From his own behavior, fidelity is meaningless to him. Kudos to you for playing safe with condoms and lube, but is he engaging in the same rational behavior with other people? I mean, he had sex with you in the same house while his girlfriend slept. He is obviously a risk taker. Also, he blew you like a champ. He all remember those awkward first-time BJs, and they were not as great as you described.

    I am sorry to hear about your brother. You need some good friends right now, and not people who draw you into their tawdry little psychodrama. You have a lot of emotional stuff on your plate right now, do you really want to add this?


    Yeah I definitely agree with that. I have enough bullshit flying around in my head, adding this to it is kind of more then I really need. I cannot wait to workout today and clear my head.