Guys that do not respect the relationships of other guys.

  • silverfox

    Posts: 3178

    Apr 20, 2009 5:26 PM GMT
    I believe that a couple should decide what are the "rules" for their own relationship.

    Have you men in relationships ever had an experience with someone who does not respect the boundaries set by you and your partner?

    For example, maybe someone who comes on to one of you when you clearly say that you are not interested?

    When something like this happens, do you talk it over with your partner?

    I think relationships in our world are challenging enough without the influences of others who may try to undermine what you have established with your mate.

    I have been in this sort of situation before, and I wondered if you gentlemen had any insight or could share experiences.....

    Thanks,

    SilverFox
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    Apr 20, 2009 7:10 PM GMT
    Yes it happened to me with my second ex-lover. He revealed to me that his best-friend told him that he was in loved with him. When the guy clearly knew that he was in a relationship with me. I took his best friend out to lunch and told him what was up. I told my ex since he chose not to respect me our relationship he is not allowed in our apt and do not expect me to be nice to him if we are in each others company. He had his chance.
  • Tiller66

    Posts: 380

    Apr 20, 2009 7:16 PM GMT
    Well this peticular thing was a problum with me and my ex.He did'nt like it when guys would come up and talked to me as soon as he left for some reason and would leave when he came back.I tried to get him to not let it bother him but it was hard.He was afriad that he would lose me to other guys and one of the things that worked with him was me telling him that being mad at me was not going to make me want to stay.It calmed him down for awhile.As far as others wanting to get in between you and your man I have found that treating them like they are nothing to you makes them move on cuase usually they are just trying to get you guys to fight and they'll try to pick one of you up.But the most important thing is that as long as you really trust each other it won't matter who gets in the way,if nothing else gang up on the interloper and that should get them to leave.Good Luck
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 20, 2009 7:30 PM GMT
    I agree with you Michael... there are rules and they should be viewed in light of the "relationship at hand".

    I had an incident that occurred about 3 years ago. A friend of mine from OKC tried to undermine the relationship with my bf in a very sad, unfortunate way. He created a profile on another site, tried to insinuate he knew my bf and that he (my bf) was having a relationship behind my back.
    The whole thing was really ridiculous, I never believed a word of it as some of the "facts" as set out didn't even make sense.

    I haven't spoken to him for at least 2 years.
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    Apr 20, 2009 7:51 PM GMT
    silverfox1 saidI think relationships in our world are challenging enough without the influences of others who may try to undermine what you have established with your mate.

    Very true. My own variation on this theme:

    While dating a guy for about a year, one night we went to a gay bar together as we often did. This would-be player we both knew came up to us separately, as we individually circulated among the crowd, our typical pattern after we arrived.

    The player expressed concern over my haggard appearance and recent weight loss. I replied I had actually been gaining weight, regrettably heavier than I'd ever been, and needed to lose some. Oh no, I was wrong, he corrected me, I had lost weight, he could see it. And the obvious cause was the difficult, stressful & unhealthy relationship I had with my BF. Better for my well-being if I dropped him, and all my friends were telling him the same thing.

    Then he cornered my BF, and told him basically the same thing, except that it was ME who was making HIM sick. But the remedy was the same: we needed to split to restore our health & happiness.

    The problem with this tactic was that it assumed my BF & I didn't confide in each other. In the car afterwards on the way home, we compared notes about the evening, and laughed ourselves silly with this stupid attempt to break us up. And we agreed it was my BF this guy was after for himself, not me.

    He never got my BF, though we did eventually part for other reasons. We remain good friends to this day, in regular contact. We also shared that story with our other friends, and to my knowledge that player still doesn't have a steady BF. No one we know trusts him.
  • silverfox

    Posts: 3178

    Apr 20, 2009 7:58 PM GMT
    I have heard many stories about a best friend making the move on his best friend's partner. That must be devastating on so many levels. You would lose your best friend....and possibly your partner at the same time.



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    Apr 20, 2009 8:29 PM GMT
    Another incident: my late partner & I agreed to pick up my ex-BF at the airport, and let him stay overnight with us, since it was late and he still had a long car ride to stay at his parents home. In fact, I was going to drive him there myself in our car next morning. We put him up in a spare bedroom.

    My partner fell asleep early while we were watching TV in our bedroom, and before turning everything off for the night I thought I'd make a last check on our guest. I heard his own TV playing, so I knocked on the door to see if he needed anything before I went to sleep.

    He opened the door and invited me in. He thanked us again for our hospitality and the ride, but in the next sentence he was inviting me to join him in bed, with a sincerity I knew quite well. I was horrified.

    I said my partner was sleeping in the next room, and I would never consider cheating on him. My ex then shifted into whining mode, which I also knew well. and simply wouldn't take no for an answer. Finally I just said good night and walked out.

    I gave him his ride the next morning, but as soon as I got home I told my partner all about the incident. He was furious, but believed I hadn't betrayed him. My partner & ex crossed paths several more times during his extended stay, and it was all I could do to persuade my guy not to punch the other out.

    It also destroyed any respect I still had for my ex, that he would have tried to tempt me, or thought I could be tempted to be unfaithful, and with my loving partner just a few feet away. It was repulsive to me he even thought such a thing. He is the only ex with whom I have very hostile relations today.
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    Apr 20, 2009 9:44 PM GMT
    When I was in one I had lots of guys suddenly trying to sleep with me, its almost like they either way you for there own desperate selfs or want to destroy the good thing you have so you can be as unhappy as them..

    These guys got put smack in there place without hesitation and if they tried forcing it they got a rude shock.. don't know if any of you realise but I can be a right arse hole when I want hahaha

    anywho, I never told my partner of these things, never saw any reason too, not for lack of trust, actually because I knew he'd gotten the same thing and I never for a moment even contemplated that anything would happen and I wasn't going to do anything so I never saw the point..
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    Apr 20, 2009 10:13 PM GMT
    lilTanker said
    don't know if any of you realise but I can be a right arse hole when I want hahaha
    .


    What? Noooo... say it isn't so!!! icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 20, 2009 10:15 PM GMT
    BrewerBen said
    lilTanker said
    don't know if any of you realise but I can be a right arse hole when I want hahaha
    .


    What? Noooo... say it isn't so!!! icon_smile.gif
    icon_razz.gif
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    Apr 20, 2009 10:35 PM GMT
    I get couples begging me 4 sex online all the time, wsup wit dat?icon_eek.gif I say this, dont do anything, you dont expect icon_lol.gif I would never interfere in someone's relationship male or female, and dont expect someone to want me to interfere either.
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    Apr 20, 2009 11:34 PM GMT
    Nobody has ever seriously tried to come between me and my man. At some point a regular FB thought he might have a chance, but as soon as he hinted in that direction I set him straight, that the bf is my one and only. It took the FB a while to accept and get over it, but then we remained good friends until this day. But ever since I tell all potential FBs not to get their hopes up.
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    Apr 21, 2009 1:04 AM GMT
    Yes, I identify with the problem. No, I haven't discussed it with the boyfriend other than to joke around about it. It's not an issue between me and the other half, but me and the person that doesn't accept "no" as no.
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    Apr 21, 2009 2:13 AM GMT
    muchmorethanmuscle said
    masculine31 saidI get couples begging me 4 sex online all the time, wsup wit dat?


    Toot'n your own horn there, eh mascluine31? icon_smile.gif


    No sir...its just weird to be invited as a 3rd party and not expect somekind of attraction lata on lol! I steer clear of any threesomes, i dont wanna be labled a home wrecker. I get it all da time...real weird!icon_eek.gif
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    Apr 21, 2009 2:43 PM GMT


    SILVERFOX1 said, "For example, maybe someone who comes on to one of you when you clearly say that you are not interested?

    When something like this happens, do you talk it over with your partner?"


    Nope, I talk it over with that guy coming on to me. Endearments like,

    "I'd sooner french kiss my Grandmother..."

    or Bill's, "What part of NO don't you understand? The N or the O?"

    What we do is chuckle over it later, which often leads to other things, which means that the guy that wouldn't take no for an answer did us a little back-handed favour.


    -Doug
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    Apr 22, 2009 4:38 PM GMT
    I had a F buddy for many years and he recently met someone he fell in love with. I valued his friendship more than the foolin around, plus I totally respected his new relationship.

    So I told him the only way things could work out was if we stopped our sexual laison and concentrated on being plutonic friends. He didn't want to do that, saying he could handle us still being sexual.

    I didn't think it would be fair to his boyfriend, plus I wanted his boyfriend to feel comfortable when my friend and I went out together.

    I don't care how hot a guy is........I will never interfere or get invovled with someone who has a partner unless the rules and boundaries are very clear.

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    Apr 23, 2009 4:14 AM GMT
    i see the word "never" being used an awful lot on this thread...
  • xspot21

    Posts: 56

    Apr 23, 2009 4:43 AM GMT
    I always find it fascinating when someone comes up to me and a guy I am with and starts to hit on my guy. It's even more crazy when they do it and we are obviously together, like holding hands and such. I would never do that to a couple. I think its terribly disrespectful. I found it happening a lot when i would go out with a guy I was with. So i decided to just punch the flirter in the face. Nothing solves problems like swift and blinding violence! Just kidding, but I did start to call people on it.
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    Apr 23, 2009 4:50 AM GMT
    I think it's just the thrill of the chase for a lot of guys. They see something that's not as easily attained, and they set their sites on it. It's gotta be something they must have, where if you or your partner were just another cute single guy at the bar it wouldn't appeal to them. I don't think it's really a healthy way to go through life, so you've got to take it with a grain of salt when someone flirts with your partner.
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    Apr 23, 2009 5:46 AM GMT
    This touches on a variety of personal and societal issues but I'll try to stick to your point. icon_razz.gif I agree as gay men we have a unique opportunity to set our own rules instead of trying to model ourselves after a paradigm designed to propagate the species.

    I think as gay men we often want what we know we can't have. We also seem to want our cake and eat it too w/o developing the emotional and psychological maturity to handle it. And while this may not always be our fault, it is our problem. We need to remember that everything is not always black and white. A few examples to demonstrate:

    Couple 1: One person wants total monogamy and the other wants it to open?

    Couple 2: One person has a very high libido and the other has a very low one? (I know a couple here in an LTR for 12 years where one person has absolutely NO desire in any type of sex)

    Couple 3: One person is very flirty or extroverted (w/o going beyond that) and the other one is more reserved or shy?

    Couple 4: One person travels a lot and the other one doesn't.

    What works for on couple may not work for another. Both individuals in a LTR need their emotional and physical needs met for it to survive. Forcing one to give up a basic need or desire often leads to failure.

    IMHO, commitment is about mutual respect, honesty, and compromise with love tying it all together. First comes honesty with yourself then your partner. Respect each other and your commitment together.



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    Apr 23, 2009 6:46 PM GMT
    I hate to admit this but this is why I never had a gay friend, my ex cheated on his ex partner with almost every member of there group, he even admited to me that he never told him and he never felt guilty about it. I think its really hard in the gay community, in my eyes it seems to be very sexually driven. It makes it hard for me to trust a guy who is as flirty and a history like my ex.