Tired of trying to be friends with my ex

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 20, 2009 6:09 PM GMT
    So hubby and I broke up a few weeks ago, and have been doing a pretty admirable job of keeping things friendly while we deal with really hard stuff (e.g., selling the house, dividing the bank account, figuring out who gets which dog). I've been glad about that so far, and while I know that breaking up is the right thing to do for a variety of reasons - not the least of which is that I am not in love with the guy anymore, it's still quite painful for me to deal with it.

    But not him... it's almost like it's not even happening to him. He's asked me twice already to have sex with him, or give him a massage like I used to do when we were together... which makes me feel used and insulted even though I have already told him that I won't. As we work with a broker to sell the house, he's led her to believe that we're also looking to buy a new one together, thinking that "she'll move faster to sell the house if we loook like we're going to buy too." Moreover, he's already been back home and partied with his friends several times, even hooked up with an ex previous to me. And while I really don't care about whom he sleeps with anymore, it just makes me mad to see him having fun at all.

    But the ultimate insult is that he's giving me a hard time because I'm not, according to him, dealing with it "like a grown man" (i.e., like he is, I guess). It just kills any desire I have to even try anymore to be friendly anymore - now or later. All I can think when I see him now is that he's such an asshole, and I'm glad I'm breaking up with him.

    Guys, I'm not asking for advice on what to do to get back to trying to be friends, nor am I looking for any form of reassurance that I'm right and that he's a dick... I just need to know that I'm not crazy for feeling this way.
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    Apr 20, 2009 6:26 PM GMT
    You are not crazy! We all deal with things differenelty, and acting like an ass is his way of dealing with it.

    Take care of yourself and dont worry about him- Soon, the house will be sold and you can start a life of your own.

    Remember- Worry about you, not him.
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    Apr 20, 2009 6:29 PM GMT

    You feel how you honestly feel. That's all that matters most. I read here somewhere that exes are just meant to be that --an ex. Friendship is out of the question. He is projecting his immaturity to you as he knows it works for him and you end up feeling this way.

    No. You are not crazy.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Apr 20, 2009 6:32 PM GMT
    It's a shitty situation to be in and hopefully you can keep your cool long enough to get through it. Just do what you can to avoid him and try to get on.
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    Apr 20, 2009 6:38 PM GMT
    well, if there's one thing CO excels at, it's evaluating a man's craziness ... primarily because CO is so damned good at attracting the really nutty ones.

    I place you on the far right side of the Crazy-Not Crazy Scale .... right around normal, and to the very opposite side of the Crazy categories (which include "Tom Cruise" and "Bag Lady")
  • Tiller66

    Posts: 380

    Apr 20, 2009 6:42 PM GMT
    Well sorry to hear the bad news but no I don't think you are wrong for being mad.But that's how exs act the best thing to do is ignore the things you can and when he dies things you can't just make the biggest sene you can.If nothing else it will motivate him to get out of your life as fast as possibleicon_twisted.gif
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    Apr 20, 2009 6:48 PM GMT
    Hang in there big guy. You're not crazy. Everyone deals with grief/separation in their own way. Some constructive, some not so much. Just keep the peace and turn your cheek until the "divorce" is finalized.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Apr 20, 2009 6:54 PM GMT
    Your not crazy at all, I'm going through the same thing with my ex. We are going through the whole transition of becoming friends, it's so weird but it's life. You will survive and you just may even end being friends with your ex. For me it's hard right no it's only been a month and it's even difficult to see him on Face Book, let alone run into out in public. Breaking up comes with life, you have to get through it.
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    Apr 20, 2009 7:00 PM GMT
    God, no, you are not crazy. This reminds me so much of my relationship breakup a few years ago. It took him 6 months when we were finally putting the condo on the market to accept that we were split.

    People deal with things differently, and right now all the things that drove you to the breakup are now highlighted, and it's annoying the crap out of you. It's normal.

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    Apr 20, 2009 8:16 PM GMT
    Perhaps he doesn't want you to gain the perspective that time and space allows, which might be a way for him to gain (or keep) some control over you outside of the former relationship. He sounds very manipulative right now. Ugh.

    You seem to be the sane one here, as he sounds seriously detached from the reality of the situation, which makes *him* the immature one.

    You cannot force friendship after a breakup. I think it actually damages any possibility of a real friendship when the time is finally right (you already know this it seems).

    I have a feeling you are going to come out of this in a lot better shape than him (not that you're comparing).

    Now onward you go with that great smile!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 20, 2009 9:20 PM GMT
    You are not crazy & it sounds as if he isn't dealing with this at all
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 20, 2009 9:42 PM GMT
    Do YOU

    Coz am dam sure does ME

    icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 20, 2009 9:47 PM GMT
    I am thinking u should move forward bro. I think its disgusting u r putting ur'self thru da ringer wit this non-sense. Learn from ur mistakes, and dont let it happen again in this life time. Ur ex sounds like a whore, if ur still sleeping wit him, i guess u r too. Grow up, u need a reality check, not a hug or anything else im reading in here...lol! Find a better person to hold u down.icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 20, 2009 9:50 PM GMT
    why did u guys break up?
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    Apr 20, 2009 10:40 PM GMT
    Better you than me about the whole thing. Not only are you better about it, you're VERY patient about the whole ordeal. I wouldn't have the patience to deal with such a dickweed like your ex, as you've described. Pick up a good book to read whilst dealing with him, per se, Waiting To Exhale? And keep in mind, being friends with an ex who did some major dirt to you is something I could never see myself doing without having the thought of giving him what he is entitled to deserving. Like said, you are better about it than meicon_eek.gif.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 20, 2009 10:43 PM GMT
    Sahem:

    I'm sorry that you are going through this tumultuous time. I know exactly how you feel.

    I was involved with my b/f for a very long time. We had just decided it would be best for him to persue his life long dream of clothing design.

    It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Sometimes I regret it. He didn't understand that I was trying to be so supportive.

    We had been going through a difficult time prior to this whole ordeal. He is under the impression that I had fallen out of love with him.

    I have had to bite my tongue on numerous occasions as he feels that I had nothing left in my heart for him.

    It's unfortunate that sometimes people don't understand that confrontation isn't the right way to handle things.

    I think you are definitely doing the right thing and are handling it the correct way.

    I wish you all the support one can offer.

    Regard,

    Anthony
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Apr 20, 2009 10:49 PM GMT
    The next time this guy says anything about sex?

    Look him in the eye and say ..... DUDE, do you know what a break up means?

    He playing passive aggressive with you ... thinking that his denial/ sex wagging will have some sort of an effect

    There is NO reason that you need to be friends with this guy
    but until things are unwound you need to keep them polite
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 20, 2009 11:27 PM GMT
    Every time I had a break up I would distance myself as far as possible. After a while when we saw each other again we were more friendly. I can say that it would be a bad thing to see very few of my ex's.
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    Apr 20, 2009 11:41 PM GMT
    you're not crazy, he's a dick!!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 20, 2009 11:46 PM GMT
    I'm in breakup mode too. I have found that a new age meditative technique where you basically removed your ex from your "space" gets you where you will eventually be but faster , therefore less pain and annoyance, If he is still "bugging" you rather than being "history" then he is still in your "space". That is your fault not his. Eckhard Tolle''''s book a " A New Earth" was really helpful too. It about how your ego makes you miserable in a situation like this...its really not your ex, its you.
  • iCute23

    Posts: 76

    Apr 20, 2009 11:46 PM GMT
    Nope, not crazy at all! *hugs*
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    Apr 21, 2009 12:10 AM GMT
    If you resent him for having fun without you in the picture,you might want to start being honest with yourself about how much you still care about him.If you are seriously broken up for good,the fact that he is having sex with other guys is none of your business anymore.Ignore it and move on.
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    Apr 21, 2009 12:56 AM GMT
    You aren't crazy at all! BUT - fair warning - he's still being immature about this and the stuff that's sorting out easy could end up a nightmare. I'd make sure you keep a record of everything you agree too and watch your back.
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    Apr 21, 2009 1:04 AM GMT

    How did you end up with such a dick? Has he always been that way or did he change? He just proves the old addage, when it's over it's over. I think that most boyfriends show their true colors when they think its about over so no need to woo and romance their partner. These are the times when you can say: wow, he really was a good guy or DAMN, what a putz.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 21, 2009 3:02 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidI'm in breakup mode too. I have found that a new age meditative technique where you basically removed your ex from your "space" gets you where you will eventually be but faster , therefore less pain and annoyance, If he is still "bugging" you rather than being "history" then he is still in your "space". That is your fault not his. Eckhard Tolle''''s book a " A New Earth" was really helpful too. It about how your ego makes you miserable in a situation like this...its really not your ex, its you.


    Lots of good comments here - but Alpha13 - once again - your suggestions click perfectly for me. I'll remember this - in case I ever need it. I gotta say - I've learned more from the guys on this site..........it's amazing. Thanks!