Have you ever just wanted to give up...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 23, 2009 3:30 PM GMT
    Ok so I'm very new to this entire scene, whether it be gay, gym or forums so if my posting seems somewhat confusing or distasteful please forgive me... and be kind icon_smile.gif

    P.S. If my wording sounds arrogant or over the top, its not I just like to write and I sometime get carried away icon_razz.gif


    I know in a lot of these posts a profile photo paints a better visual picture, however I'm not yet ready for that, maybe in time..

    So a little about me, well straight down to it I was overweight, at the age of 20 I scaled in at 108kg/238lbs reaching the peak of my obesity at 19 with 112kg/246lbs under my belt. I became depressed, but since I like to be happy, the front of a cheerful person became hard to maintain as time went on.

    Either way, I came to a conclusion close to five months ago that I was fed up with living my life as it was, so on the failure of previous "fad diets", I took manners into my own hands and turned my back all that was commercial. I figured google was my best shot at success.

    I researched, and examined everything that was available to me, what I drank, what I ate, how I ate it. I found myself arriving at the same place every time, Its not about starving yourself or drinking "shakes", its about taking your body back to its roots, as corny as it my sound, its about returning to nature.

    The result: In five months with a healthy eating routine and an active lifestyle, through walking and gym I have lost over 20kg/45lbs bringing my new weight to 88kg/194lbs.

    --------------------

    That being said has anyone ever felt after all the effort they have done, all they have accomplished, they still feel like that fat kid they left behind. I have lost my weight, improved my body, but now I just gnaw away at some other minor fault, like my skin or my looks. It seems no matter how far ahead I get, something pulls me right back, I can't shake the same feeling I felt back in "the old days".

    And now finally after half a decade of being in denial of my sexuality before I lost the weight I allowed a small group of friends in on the truth, so why can't I find relief

    --------------------

    Sorry for the length and the meaningless rant, anyway love this site

    xo
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    Apr 23, 2009 4:05 PM GMT
    Self-obsession in an unfortunate gay trait that afflicts some of us. You possibly suffer from it. And is this really about your weight alone?

    Instead of dwelling on negatives, consider positives. Being gay is a wonderful gift, that only a small percentage of humans can be. There are sacrifices, like not becoming parents for many of us, but focus on the benefits.

    I imagine us as the show horses, while the rest of humanity are the draft animals, dully harnessed into mindless servitude. We sparkle, while they slave, and I wouldn't trade with them for anything.

    Your new RJ Profile tells us almost nothing about yourself, but perhaps you live in a barren part of Australia where no gay could blossom. A change of scenery might solve your problems, I dunno.

    I once knew a guy who always answered this way when questioned about his orientation:

    "I'm not gay, I'm enchanted."

    Are YOU enchanted? I'd like to believe that I am. You may be more fortunate than you think.
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    Apr 23, 2009 4:22 PM GMT
    Susan Boyle Pictures, Images and Photos

    Besides her knock-out voice, I was greatly impressed with Susan Boyle's attitude. She could have been a victimized squashed cabbage leaf from all the grief she has received about her looks. Yet somehow she has come thru life with the greatest attitude and spunk. She hasnt let it get her down or turn her bitter.

    I congratulate you on losing all that weight. Boy, in my opinion, dieting is one of the hardest things to do in life. You should be very proud of your accomplishment. But now it is time to raise your consciousness beyond your physical appearance...and cultivate your personality. Obviously, your weight problem has left it a little twisted. It is time to move on. Realize that external beauty isnt everything.

    Remember the golden mean: All things in moderation. And that includes fretting about your appearance. I have to remind myself of this when I see guys with better physiques in the gym: there will always be someone better than yourself, as there will alway be someone worse. If you spend your time comparing yourself to others you will go crazy and never, ever be happy.

    Set your own goal. Achieve that goal. Then move on to your next project in life.
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    Apr 23, 2009 5:52 PM GMT
    Clearly, you have chosen to make improvements in your life. You have chosen to lose weight.

    Likewise, choose to view yourself in a good light. It's usually surprisingly easier than losing weight once you get into the swing of it.

    Tell yourself "I'm healthy. I'm an attractive man". If you do it enough, it becomes real. Substitute that when you start to say or think something negative about your body or skin. And don't sell yourself short, recognize the achievements that you have made and that you are not at step 1 from your old days. Say, "I have succeeded greatly, especially when others have failed". This is a simple truth; it is empty of judgment. A majority of people fail to pull 50 pounds off their body. Be happy, be proud, be confident. You've already proved it to people around you, now accept it for yourself.

    Congratulations on your terrific achievement. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 23, 2009 6:12 PM GMT
    I was a chubby kid. I lost most if it by the time I hit high school, but I was never skinny. As a result I was very self-conscious about my body for the longest time. Because I didn't have wash board abs I must have still been fat and thus unattractive.

    But, since I have taken charge of my health and my body I have so much more confidence. You just took off a ton of weight in five months and are to be congratulated. With your changing body your body-image will change.

    Just keep an eye out. When you get shredded, if you are still fretting over non-existent love handles don't be afraid to see a counselor.

    Congrats and all your progress!
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    Apr 23, 2009 8:03 PM GMT
    sydneysyder saidOk so I'm very new to this entire scene, whether it be gay, gym or forums so if my posting seems somewhat confusing or distasteful please forgive me... and be kind icon_smile.gif

    P.S. If my wording sounds arrogant or over the top, its not I just like to write and I sometime get carried away icon_razz.gif


    I know in a lot of these posts a profile photo paints a better visual picture, however I'm not yet ready for that, maybe in time..

    So a little about me, well straight down to it I was overweight, at the age of 20 I scaled in at 108kg/238lbs reaching the peak of my obesity at 19 with 112kg/246lbs under my belt. I became depressed, but since I like to be happy, the front of a cheerful person became hard to maintain as time went on.

    Either way, I came to a conclusion close to five months ago that I was fed up with living my life as it was, so on the failure of previous "fad diets", I took manners into my own hands and turned my back all that was commercial. I figured google was my best shot at success.

    I researched, and examined everything that was available to me, what I drank, what I ate, how I ate it. I found myself arriving at the same place every time, Its not about starving yourself or drinking "shakes", its about taking your body back to its roots, as corny as it my sound, its about returning to nature.

    The result: In five months with a healthy eating routine and an active lifestyle, through walking and gym I have lost over 20kg/45lbs bringing my new weight to 88kg/194lbs.

    --------------------

    That being said has anyone ever felt after all the effort they have done, all they have accomplished, they still feel like that fat kid they left behind. I have lost my weight, improved my body, but now I just gnaw away at some other minor fault, like my skin or my looks. It seems no matter how far ahead I get, something pulls me right back, I can't shake the same feeling I felt back in "the old days".

    And now finally after half a decade of being in denial of my sexuality before I lost the weight I allowed a small group of friends in on the truth, so why can't I find relief

    --------------------

    Sorry for the length and the meaningless rant, anyway love this site

    xo


    Sounds like you're learning. There's something you missed along the way. You know what it is? Coming to like yourself. Once you give yourself that, things will come along much more smoothly.

    Step up, get pictured, get profiled, and get on with the rest of your life.

    Another thing, realize how fortunate you are. Did you die from being a fat ass? No. Did you take charge and change your life? Yes. Are other folks less strong-minded than you? Yes. Feeling down? Go ride the city bus. Your life is awesome compared to some of those fucked up folks.

    Now, get off the pity pot, and get on with tomorrow. You've already shown yourself that you're capable of taking back control of your life, setting a goal, and walking into, through, and beyond your comfort zone. Now: next item.

    You took the world by the balls (yourself), squeezed, and got what you wanted. Now, repeat.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 23, 2009 11:58 PM GMT
    chuckystud said
    Sounds like you're learning. There's something you missed along the way. You know what it is? Coming to like yourself. Once you give yourself that, things will come along much more smoothly.

    Step up, get pictured, get profiled, and get on with the rest of your life.

    Another thing, realize how fortunate you are. Did you die from being a fat ass? No. Did you take charge and change your life? Yes. Are other folks less strong-minded than you? Yes. Feeling down? Go ride the city bus. Your life is awesome compared to some of those fucked up folks.

    Now, get off the pity pot, and get on with tomorrow. You've already shown yourself that you're capable of taking back control of your life, setting a goal, and walking into, through, and beyond your comfort zone. Now: next item.

    You took the world by the balls (yourself), squeezed, and got what you wanted. Now, repeat.


    I don't think anyone could have said it better.
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    Apr 24, 2009 12:00 AM GMT
    I had the same experience, much earlier (14), came out (15), thinking I would find this world of acceptance and community, or at least find a relationship, and nothing ever happened. Except for one boyfriend who was around for about a year in 1996 and like a lot of gay guys I've talked to he also left without saying he was going to leave, and I never saw or heard from him again. 1996-2009 = I look better and am in the best shape of my life. I have found nobody to spend my life with. Yes, sometimes I feel like coming out was the worst mistake of my life because at the time (15) I had no idea how small of a population I was coming into. Sorry, but the selection is terrible. And that goes for just about any city you go to. You think you look good? These guys think otherwise. You think you've dealt with your shit in life? Guess again - these guys want someone more evolved. You think you accomplished something in your life? The guys out there want someone who has even more. No matter what you do you are never good enough.

    I spent about ten years trying to figure out the whole psychology of that - if we as gay men only make up 2-5% of the male population then why are we even more picky than straight people who have over 90% to choose from? It's entitlement and the fact that many of us grew up without the idea that we were part of a real minority group - meaning that we still wanted it all, despite how unlikely it was that we were going to find it, and since nobody wants to listen to older gay men who've experienced the exact same thing, every gay guy has to find this out for himself. Times may have changed, but we still don't have a lot to pick from, and our reactions to that (isolation, depression, addictive behaviors, etc. are no different than they were probably 30-40 years ago - lonely is still lonely).

    I watched the 'Sex & The City' Movie the other day for the third time and something dawned on me - those four women have a friendship base that very few gay men have - one of stability, confrontation, honesty, arguing; but still coming around and dealing with it, and some history. The reason why so many of us are flailing is because I see more and more isolation and anonymity; with gay guys its as if - unless the guy 'looks like your type' you don't even want to speak to him or be seen with him. The fact that we missed out on a healthy developmental adolescence shows here - we NEED friends. We need a support base among other gay men who can be there to listen, to share your happiness, to understand why you're scared or angry or frustrated...very few of us seem to have that, or if we do, it's gone in two years. I know that most of us want relationships, but friendships like the ones seen in that movie - that's what keeps us sane. That's what keeps us from slipping into depressions and addictions. People slip into those behaviors because nobody else is watching and nobody else cares. We need to start caring about each other because we still come from families where many are ashamed to have a gay child and want nothing to do with him. Those men have nobody in this world who cares. It's up to us to help each other out and buck this trend of meanness and try to be a little more compassionate towards each other and a little less judgmental and rude.
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    Apr 24, 2009 12:34 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]DuluthMN said[/cite] I have found nobody to spend my life with. Yes, sometimes I feel like coming out was the worst mistake of my life because at the time (15) I had no idea how small of a population I was coming into.... You think you look good? These guys think otherwise. You think you've dealt with your shit in life? Guess again - these guys want someone more evolved. You think you accomplished something in your life? The guys out there want someone who has even more. No matter what you do you are never good enough. [quote]
    Sydneysyder, please don't be swayed by this jeremiad. Gay life is whatever you want to make of it. There will always be people better and worse looking than you, just as there will always be people more or less happy, successful, or whatever metric you want to use for your goals in life.
    It all depends on your attitude. If you feel positive about yourself, and try to project this positive attitude to those around you, you will attract friends and potential relationship partners. If you allow yourself to focus on the negative, you will have the experiences described in DuluthMN's post.
    It's up to you. You can be happy, happily partnered, and successful in your career if you want it. Go for it! Rred Vespa is right to say that being gay is a gift -- you just have to know how to play that wild card you've been dealt.
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    Apr 24, 2009 2:23 AM GMT
    I've wanted to post on here before in the past but have never built up the courage to do so, I should have done this months ago.

    Thanks guys, I read all the replies and they all made sense to me, its great to see that in that in such a busy world people can take the time to give advise when it may not benefit themselves. Your all fantastic.

    And Red_Vespa, I live in Sydney and the change of scenery from the uncomfortable restricted "straight" nightclubs I used to go to with my past high school friends (who you can guess were somewhat homophobic), to a more open/free fun "gay" surrounding with college buddies has been an amazing experience. And your right one which I feel be privileged to be a part of.

    I intend to keep on track with my fitness no matter the minor setbacks I may create in my own mind, and will upload progress photos from before and after, turn 21 in October, so I figure if what was done in 5 months, imagine what I can do with the next 6 ;)

    P.S.
    "chuckystud" loved the last line of your post, its now my favorite quote

    "You took the world by the balls (yourself), squeezed, and got what you wanted. Now, repeat."

    Thank You all so much


    xoxo

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    Apr 24, 2009 2:37 AM GMT
    I have yet to read a thread with all intelligent and heartfelt responses.
    This is the first.
    Good luck pal, and take all this advice to heart! It will serve you wellicon_wink.gif
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    Apr 28, 2009 8:44 AM GMT
    I promised you all "before" and "after" pictures, sorry about the quality of the before photo, had to take a webcam shot of a photograph...

    This photo was taken in christmas of 2007 at 112kg/247lbs, so i did make a years worth of lifestyle changes before really pushing myself.

    213946_418177.jpg

    213946_418175.jpg


    xo
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    Apr 28, 2009 10:39 AM GMT
    I, like other's here, am impressed with your results in such a short time. I do want to give a caveat though.
    If you take someone who is overweight, dimwitted and arrogant, and watch them lose weight, they become thin, dimwitted and arrogant. He needs to work on his intellect as well as his compassion with equal determination.

    I'm not calling you dimwitted and arrogant. My point is that often physical fitness is seen as the be-all, end-all. There are so many guys here on RJ that have overwhelming wit, compassion, knowledge and experience. It didn't just happen. So if you want to be well read, you need to read a lot of books, if you want to be more cultured, go to museums, symphony, opera, concerts, theater. There's very few things about yourself that you can't improve. When your goals are based on self improvement and not comparitive superiority, then you truly become the better person,

    I you only want to change that which is unchangeable or if you think speed of success is more important than the quality of that success, then I suggest the quick fix of drugs or a cult. In the long term they are devastatingly destructive, but short term you get 'results'.

    Many see only those things which we cannot have, and miss thousands of opportunities of the thousands of things we can have.

    I doesn't get easier with time. Perseverance in your current goals with the regular addition of new goals will give the result of constant growth. It doesn't get better than that.

  • underbearboy

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    Apr 28, 2009 11:42 AM GMT
    bgcat57 said
    Many see only those things which we cannot have, and miss thousands of opportunities of the thousands of things we can have.

    I doesn't get easier with time. Perseverance in your current goals with the regular addition of new goals will give the result of constant growth. It doesn't get better than that.



    I agree... Everyone is blessed with different gifts - physical, intellectual, artistic, spiritual, which just need to be exercised in their own way. You're on the right track.

    Good luck!
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    Apr 29, 2009 2:10 AM GMT
    DuluthMN saidI had the same experience... (truncated)It's up to us to help each other out and buck this trend of meanness and try to be a little more compassionate towards each other and a little less judgmental and rude.


    Man, I read messages like this with a really heavy heart. I came on this site admittedly to help rid myself of my own biases and prejudices and, thanks to meeting some really great guys I likely would have not otherwise met, I think I'm getting there. I used to think that all guys with nice bodies were vapid assholes who lived to judge people who weren't as perfect. This site has, therefore, been a huge learning experience for me.

    When I was a kid, I was a competitive figure skater. I didn't worry about weight or nutrition because I burned 1200+ calories before most people got out of bed. Then puberty hit. And then the 20's hit. And then the 30's hit. I, like many people, have lost the same 20 pounds a thousand times. I could give Oprah a run in that department. But ultimately I came to the conclusion that all of the judgment and vitriol I attributed to others was really coming from within me. And through it all, I was a lucky bastard to have friends stick by me who didn't give a shit - even though I was so pissed at the world and felt so helpless and DEFINITELY took them for granted.

    MN, many of us have been where you are right now. And while (as I said before) that it hurts to read heartfelt stories like the one you posted, I at the same time have to vehemently disagree. Are there assholes in the gay community? Absolutely. Are there narcissistic douchebags who will dismiss you in the blink of an eye if they don't want to fuck you? You bet.

    But there are also brilliant and wonderful people who don't give two shits what you look like, how good you are in bed or how you stack up to the ideal physique. I would be willing to bet that if you looked at yourself and the decisions you've made in your own life, you'd probably find a ton of people that you yourself have taken for granted or underappreciated because you were so busy being pissed at all of the people who you felt were doing the exact same thing to you.

    I say none of this to excoriate you for your feelings, but to hopefully get you to fill up the glass a bit. I am a management consultant by trade, and one of the classes I teach is called Crucial Conversations. It's a great book - I recommend you read it. Not because you need to have one with others, necessarily, but because you should have one with yourself. One of its guiding principles is called 'mastering your stories' .. that is, when you see/hear something we, as human beings, tend to interpret the meaning behind it vs. taking it at face value. That's the story. If the story you tell yourself is that everything gay men say/do is negative, you will feel/act accordingly. Tell yourself a different story, and you'll feel and act differently. Otherwise, your negativity becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And if you think nobody sees the negativity in you if you keep it bottled up, you're wrong. Nobody runs faster from negativity than friendly/positive people. Think/act positively and you'll attract the same in return.

    All of this circles back to the original post - sydney decided that he was tired of telling himself that he couldn't do it and said "fuck it!" and made a change. But happiness - like health/nutrition - is a lifelong commitment that requires rededication every single day. I hope that you, like sydney, are able to make that commitment because - like a better body - a better soul/outlook on life is awfully fucking attractive.

    MT

    PS to sydneysnyder - you look fucking fantastic. Congratulations and continued success.