I Have A Homophobic Sister. What Do I Do?

  • BerkleeBoy118

    Posts: 71

    Apr 26, 2009 10:50 PM GMT
    Ok so. I Haven’t written in these forums for awhile due to the many rude responses I was receiving for questions that I thought were genuine. But this here is seriously something that I need honest opinions and help with. I have a younger sister. Her name is Dianne and she’s 17. She (and I alike) has been raised in the state of Delaware, have been raised in a strict catholic home, and gone to Catholic schools, and my mom has forever shoved down our throats how wrong and gross homosexuality is to her etc. Well, I came out almost 5 years ago now. And have broken away from the family almost completely. The only thing I do is live there when I’m home from College. Well I’m back home now and my sister and I have gotten along MOST of the time. The only time there is ever a conflict or an issue is when the topic of Homosexuality is brought up.

    There are so many examples of things that she’s said such as “Jeff….you’re not gonna marry a guy are u…..?….because if you do, you know I’m not coming to your wedding right..?” But the thing that pushed me OVER the edge was last night. It was just us hanging out and we were watching tv and talking about dating. She is TOTALLY fine with me dating dudes. And having sex. And stuff of that nature. But the moment that it becomes serious she makes some ignorant comment like that. But back to last night. We were watching tv and talking about dating. And she was like “yeah well. I could never date someone that was racist” and I said “well Dianne obviously that wouldn’t work out considering we’re mixed and someone racist wouldn’t date us” shes like “Yeah” and I said “I don’t understand people who are racist” shes like “yeah…me neither” and so then I ventured to say “I also don’t understand homophobic people. Its like the same thing. Hatred for no good reason.” Immediately she tensed up and said “That’s not true its not the same thing at all. Its not like slavery or anything…it doesn’t go back far like that…and its not like you guys have been persecuted for anything” and I about DIED when she said that. I said “Dianne are you kidding????? Who told you that gays have never been persecuted! We have gone through so much shit that you will never in your life ever have to deal with!” and with that she just rolled her eyes and was like “whatever” and just went back to watching tv. And 5 minutes later was trying to just have normal conversation and joke about things or the funny commercial that was on…….

    Now guys……..what the hell do I do? This is my sister, and my best friend…but because of how she’s been raised I guess? Just doesn’t understand? Is it her age? Will she grow out of this bullshit? I feel that as long as she remains in this house under my mother’s crazy beliefs that things will not change on her end….and I don’t think she understands how much it hurts me that she has these warped views……she shouldn’t be like this =/ out of all my friends and everyone I know basically, besides my parents, she has the most hatred for it! And I Don’t get how she can be fine with me dating, but TOTALLY opposed in every way to me being in love with a man and marrying him one day. Is there anything I can do to Help her understand more clearly…?...or anything at all to change her frame of mind??? I don’t want to lose a sister eventually over this….Help =(

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 26, 2009 10:57 PM GMT
    first shes 17, shes still growing up.. she obviously loves you regardless of your sexuality, but struggles with some stuff.. we never remember back to when we were still kids, but 17 year olds are mostly obnoxious little twats that you'd sooner beat over the head then have to listen too..

    But she is a kid and kids are obnoxious know it alls and no matter how much you'd like to dispute (cause ya always do icon_razz.gif) you were probably the same..

    Be a good big brother, love her, fight with her, be there for her.. hopefully and I'd hazard a guess eventually, she'll come around, she just needs to grow up some more first and experience more of the world..

    btw.. hit enter a couple of times every now and then icon_razz.gif
  • BerkleeBoy118

    Posts: 71

    Apr 26, 2009 11:04 PM GMT
    There I took care of that for ya =) haha thank u
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 26, 2009 11:19 PM GMT
    She will wake up soon hopefully. That's just the 'cool' high school mentality and once she becomes a free thinker she will understand she is wrong. Or she will take up religion if she needs more guidance on how to think. Just steer her clear of religion and you should be fine lol
  • BerkleeBoy118

    Posts: 71

    Apr 26, 2009 11:23 PM GMT
    Erikk saidShe will wake up soon hopefully. That's just the 'cool' high school mentality and once she becomes a free thinker she will understand she is wrong. Or she will take up religion if she needs more guidance on how to think. Just steer her clear of religion and you should be fine lol


    I'm like trying. lol. It's just she is like super strong willed. and looks up to my mom so much. ugh. idk what to do.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 26, 2009 11:27 PM GMT
    Agree with lil't up there.

    She's only 17 and that's pure ignorance talking, so you have to be big brother. Try to educate her not by 'winning' arguments, but by showing her how natural all this is. I'd suggest you take her out with you, invite her to visit you at college where the gay stuff comes up as a thing of life not just in discussions. And give it time, be patient, get a thick skin and lots of humor.

    And when she's too obnoxious, tell her her favorite actor, singer, reality-star is gay.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 26, 2009 11:29 PM GMT
    I have a homophobic younger sister, too. She's much older than yours, close to my own age, and unlikely to change at this point. Perhaps your own at 17 is young enough to change. I hope so, and perhaps you can help make that happen.

    I haven't had any contact with my sister for 12 years, right after she told me she hated me for being gay. I don't expect to have any more contact with her for the rest of our lives. She's a right-wing Republican, BTW, no surprise.

    The only people I need in my life are those who don't hate me. They don't have to love me, they don't even have to like me. Fortunately I have enough good people in my life that hatred has no room there, relatives or not. I don't miss my sister in the least.

    Now whether your own sister's homophobia rises to the level of hate for you is something I don't know. But if it does, I wonder that you would bother with her. Life offers us too many other possibilities. And while the bonds of blood are strong, the attachments of affection can be stronger.

    So it is that the connection between a husband and wife will take precedence before those of blood relatives. And also those between a gay or lesbian couple, in my view.

    As you find lasting gay love in your life, if you haven't already, the importance of relationships by family alone may diminish. They did for me. I would not bare the touch of a relative who hated me for being gay.

    I have my own gay family now, those I euphemistically have learned to literally call "family." A term I love, because I love them, and they in turn give me all the love I need, indeed more than I ever had before in my life. Let my blood relatives love or despise me as they wish; I am my own person now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 26, 2009 11:35 PM GMT
    what should you do?

    you shouldnt discuss your sex life with your sister.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 26, 2009 11:35 PM GMT
    These guys have given you good advice. Actually theirs is alot better and nicer than mine but here it goes....Since coming out and risking losing the relationships with my parents and my own children I just cant tolerate this type of ignorance.

    Luckily my kids are very understanding and they love me regardless. My dad didnt talk to me for a year which I could have cared less and my mom kept sending me copies of the movie "passion of the Christ" or whatever.

    Luckily thats all water under the bridge and we all get along now with my bf included.

    I think its awesome you stand up to her and tell her your side. You definitely need to keep doing that but even if its family if I had someone make fuckin rude comments to me like she has you I would tell her to go fuck herself and her attitude and never talk to me again, and guess what she wouldnt be invited to my dam wedding!!!

    Thats the tone I had to take with my father for him to come around. He thought he was going to be judgemental with me and as soon as I pulled the shit right back in his face and cut him out of my life instead of him cutting me out....the shit changed real quick.

    Your sister says these things to you because she knows she can. It might be how she feels but I be dam if Id let her talk to me like that.

    Keep fighting the fight, your doing good and your alot more patient than me...even though shes young people like this piss me off and I dont have the time or the patienct to put up with that bull shit.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 26, 2009 11:38 PM GMT
    She will wake up at college. Until then, try to love her.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 26, 2009 11:45 PM GMT
    The best point to make might be to compare it to the Feminist movement. If she believes that has relevance, say its is similar. Ironically, the gay rights movement might have the most similarities with freedom for religion. Homosexuality can technically be hidden/under the radar like religion. Race or gender are much harder. If that doesn't do anything, I'd just not talk about it.

    Sorry, she has to grow up or change.
  • BerkleeBoy118

    Posts: 71

    Apr 26, 2009 11:48 PM GMT
    sundayswim saidwhat should you do?

    you shouldnt discuss your sex life with your sister.


    LOL I don't talk about my sex life with her. lol. I'm just saying she said she doesn't have a problem with it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 27, 2009 12:01 AM GMT

    Being gay is more than just a sex life. Because if having sex is all it's about, i'm definitely not gay. icon_razz.gificon_cry.gif

    Let her grow up OP, when I was her age I, I could have felt the same about gay men and I'm gayer than ten of her in a blender. I agree with the person that said college will be the turning point. I remember my first year. I went there and met some fine educated gay men and this is Lawton, I thought none existed and then such a fine bunch to boot. In university you just get hungry to learn about people and once you've learned, it's hard to hate so blindly.

    17, there ain't much you can do, but let her grow up because she will make friends and some will be gay at the outset or come out later. Many times, interactions with our friends bring interactions with our family into focus, because we can step out of that bias double standard and find that people are all people worthy of a certain respect and understanding, even our family. Since your situation is so adult, i'm afraid she won't be able to come to those sorts of conclusions until she is one too.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 27, 2009 12:05 AM GMT
    "Kill her with kindness," remain calm and honest, avoid TMI, and by all means continue to demonstrate your brotherly love. The cure for hate is love.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 27, 2009 12:09 AM GMT
    If you want to continue having a decent relationship with her, then the two of you need to learn to deal with your differences. You both have said things that the other has found ddeply offensive. It simply doesn't matter who is right. As the older brother you need to avoid subjects that will cause friction between the two of you. If she brings up the subjects, you need to gently remind her that it is best that the two of you not talk about it since it will only result in hurt feeling on both sides. You love her and you don't want to hurt her, but neither will you allow her to hurt you. If the two of you can respect each other's ideological boundaries, then it can work. If not, I don't think that anguish (on both side) will be worth it, but I guess that's up to you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 27, 2009 12:09 AM GMT
    If your sister is going to change it will be on her own terms. I would urge you not to go about trying to make that change in her, because it's too much work and futile. You seem to be very close with your sister, and if the topic of homosexuality brings up these bad feelings between you, then just don't bring up homosexuality in conversation. Just because she has a warped idea about something that you feel opposite about, doesn't mean you have to sever your relationship. Now, if she keeps bringing it up and berating you for your sexuality, then that would be when I'd say you need to distance yourself. Hope this helps.

    EDIT ^what he said, lol
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Apr 27, 2009 12:09 AM GMT
    Fix her Barbie dolls. All of them.


    Seriously, you need to introduce her to gay people and expand her horizons. She takes advantage of you because you are related to her. Other than that, you're nothing else to her.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 27, 2009 12:13 AM GMT
    sundayswim saidwhat should you do?

    you shouldnt discuss your sex life with your sister.


    And we have the winning answer! If she starts in on you, just ask, " Are you mature enough to accept my answer?" If she hesitates, walk away. Perhaps, then, it will sink in..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 27, 2009 12:25 AM GMT
    Lots of good advice. Glad to see that the forumazzi isn't jumping down your throat. It took me 37 years to come to terms with my own sexuality, so I guess that means I have to be patient with the few naysayers left in my life.

    Everyone is on a different timetable and on a unique journey through life. IMO, the more in your face you are about it, the more she will resist. Perhaps you could gradually introduce her to some of your best gay friends (those buds who really shine, i.e., whom you'd "take home to meet mother"). It may be that her only points of reference are the gay stereotypes she sees in the media, and the lessons of conservative religion. Nothing proves a homophobic more wrong than good, decent, hard-working people who also happen to be gay.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 27, 2009 12:30 AM GMT
    Well if you get along well with her otherwise.. and it sounds like you do, I would encourage her to be open minded individual. Even if she doesn't want to listen to anything at this point, don't write her off, so shut her down, just encourage her... I really believe as she matures, she will, especially if she loves and wants the best for you. Leave the lines of communication open...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 27, 2009 1:33 AM GMT
    Little Buddy, you won't lose your sister. She may be young, and dumb, or not, but family is family, and unless you come from a long line of professional assholes you have nothing to worry about.

    Come to like yourself, and the rest will follow.
  • jgymnast733

    Posts: 1783

    Apr 27, 2009 2:34 AM GMT
    If your own family members chose not to love and respect you, then you need to find people who do.. Besides your in college now, i think its time you left the nest..
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Apr 27, 2009 4:06 AM GMT
    A) She is not your best friend.
    No best friend talks to you the way she does.
    She is speaking out of ignorance.

    B) Sit her down, with the TV off, and the music off, and tell her how much you love her and how much it hurts you when she says the things she says. Tell her that you were born gay, and there is nothing that is ever going to change that. So, she might as well get used to it. And, if she loves you, she will have to accept that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 27, 2009 1:12 PM GMT
    I have a very homophobic sister heck she raised me after we lost our parents. I know a little of what you speak. Being the youngest. I don't know your sister nor do I really know your family dynamic no here does. I could only echo what Chuck said. Which family is family. I love my sister dearly despite her feelings about my being gay. If she really knew me she would know that I practically live the life of a "Puritan" lol. Seriously. The only thing you can do is navigate through this life the best way you know how.

    That is to treat everyone you come in contact with dignity and respect and accept and demand nothing less from them.
    What may help you is hang out with those family members that love you and accept you for you. They know your heart and they know what an awesome young man you are.

    Never pass up the chance to educate her. My sister had and still has such misconceptions about what it means to be gay. Some of this we can blame on the media but we also are responsible for someone of the negative images as well. With what I call the "New Man Every Week Syndrome"
    "Just be true to yourself" In timer your sister may or may not come around.
    Jeff no one can live your life for you but you. Pray that one day your sister will come around and if she does not it's more her loss than it is your because she's missing out on knowing an amazing young man.

    Hang in there Jeff!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 27, 2009 8:30 PM GMT
    Ducky45 saidI have a very homophobic sister heck she raised me after we lost our parents. I know a little of what you speak. Being the youngest. I don't know your sister nor do I really know your family dynamic no here does. I could only echo what Chuck said.


    Thanks man. I'll be here all week.