To tell or not to tell: Staying with my best friend in LA

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    Apr 27, 2009 9:01 PM GMT
    I am going to LA in late May for a conference and I am going to stay with one of my best friends from high school who lives in the 91411 zip code for over a week. In high school, he and our other best friend were sometimes jokingly called the ambiguously gay duo, if you remember that SNL skit. I wasn’t included and maybe they all knew I was gay at that point and I was oblivious to it, lol. Anyway, to date, neither of them is married, and the buddy I am going to stay with never dates, is always busy with work and gives the impression of being very religious. He is hard to read though but I sometimes get the vibe from him. He could be gay and I wouldn't be surprised or he could be straight. A half dozen of us flew out to LA 2 summers ago for a little reunion and everyone slept on the couches in the living room, but I got to share his bed..?

    The question is, should I come out to him before I fly out? Maybe when I am there? Maybe not at all? I'd like to hear what you guys think. It’d be great to be out with him, just because it would be a hell of a lot more fun in LA if we could do gay things rather than just hanging out. If you need more info, just ask. Thanks men.
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    Apr 27, 2009 9:12 PM GMT
    I'll kick this off with the following strategy, to encourage more comments:

    Tell him nothing, see what develops. Perhaps HE will tell YOU something. If nothing has been mentioned by the end of your trip, finally tell him as you're leaving.

    This has the advantage of not potentially spoiling the trip already planned, but you're also leveling with him. If he's OK with it, then you'll see him again, as his out friend. If he's not OK with it, then at least you had your visit, and maybe he'll come around to the idea in the future.

    I think you want to come out to him at some point, and you prolly should. I wouldn't jeopardize this trip over it up-front, but it's a good opportunity to do it before you leave, in person, face-to-face.
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    Apr 27, 2009 9:17 PM GMT
    Why tell him?

    Are you going there for a gay conference?

    If not then chill and be the friend you once were. What if he freakso ut and makes you feel bad? Even better, what if he tosses you on the couch and eats you out right then and there?
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    Apr 27, 2009 9:47 PM GMT
    original714 saidI am going to LA in late May for a conference and I am going to stay with one of my best friends from high school who lives in the 91411 zip code for over a week. In high school, he and our other best friend were sometimes jokingly called the ambiguously gay duo, if you remember that SNL skit. I wasn’t included and maybe they all knew I was gay at that point and I was oblivious to it, lol. Anyway, to date, neither of them is married, and the buddy I am going to stay with never dates, is always busy with work and gives the impression of being very religious. He is hard to read though but I sometimes get the vibe from him. He could be gay and I wouldn't be surprised or he could be straight. A half dozen of us flew out to LA 2 summers ago for a little reunion and everyone slept on the couches in the living room, but I got to share his bed..?

    The question is, should I come out to him before I fly out? Maybe when I am there? Maybe not at all? I'd like to hear what you guys think. It’d be great to be out with him, just because it would be a hell of a lot more fun in LA if we could do gay things rather than just hanging out. If you need more info, just ask. Thanks men.


    You answered your own question in the last 3 sentences of your post. I'll never understand why anyone would choose being liked/accepted for who they aren't (and you aren't straight) over any other alternative.

    As the saying goes - those who matter don't give a shit, and those who give a shit don't matter.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 27, 2009 9:53 PM GMT
    I don't see the need to tell him anything. Do want to "get with" him? You make it seem like you're just going to visit, not anything else.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 27, 2009 10:23 PM GMT
    I don't think you need to make any big announcements prior to your going.
    You are still the same very nice guy that they have always known. I think what you need to decide is if you want to tell them your gay when you visit.
    If your not sure, just wing it.. and if you don't tell them, so what!? I'd just have fun with your hs friends.

    If you find out your friend is gay, totally different story. Share what you would like, but most of all enjoy yourself... sounds like a good time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 27, 2009 10:34 PM GMT
    Send him what looks like a wedding invitation with your name and his name on it.
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    Apr 27, 2009 11:06 PM GMT
    Why over-engineer it? Why tell him anything at all? Go out to LA, enjoy the sun and surf, forget about the coming out drama, and just be yourself.

    You hold the cards. If he asks you, or comes out to you, then you're golden. If he's closeted and/or hates homosexuals, you're placing yourself smack dab in the middle of a shit storm. Basically, NOTHING can go wrong if you keep your trap shut.
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    Apr 27, 2009 11:11 PM GMT
    Just go with the flow and enjoy your visit... who knows what will develop! Do your so called straight friends who visit you announce and make a big deal of THEIR sexuality? NO!!!!!
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    Apr 27, 2009 11:16 PM GMT
    " It’d be great to be out with him, just because it would be a hell of a lot more fun in LA if we could do gay things rather than just hanging out."


    Call him before the trip and tell him what you said here.
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    Apr 27, 2009 11:50 PM GMT
    Tapper saidWhy over-engineer it? Why tell him anything at all? Go out to LA, enjoy the sun and surf, forget about the coming out drama, and just be yourself.

    You hold the cards. If he asks you, or comes out to you, then you're golden. If he's closeted and/or hates homosexuals, you're placing yourself smack dab in the middle of a shit storm. Basically, NOTHING can go wrong if you keep your trap shut.


    yeap have to go with this one, its so right, saved me all the typing.
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    Apr 27, 2009 11:51 PM GMT
    NCTOMMY saidJust go with the flow and enjoy your visit... who knows what will develop! Do your so called straight friends who visit you announce and make a big deal of THEIR sexuality? NO!!!!!


    I don't think in the history of heterosexuality has a straight person ever had to 'come out' .. except Ted Haggard.

    Coming out isn't making a big deal out of your sexuality, it's acknowledging it openly and allowing the other person to know something about you that is significant. In fact, I'd argue that people who don't come out are the ones who are making too big a deal of their sexuality.
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    Apr 27, 2009 11:59 PM GMT
    Tapper saidWhy over-engineer it? Why tell him anything at all? Go out to LA, enjoy the sun and surf, forget about the coming out drama, and just be yourself.

    You hold the cards. If he asks you, or comes out to you, then you're golden. If he's closeted and/or hates homosexuals, you're placing yourself smack dab in the middle of a shit storm. Basically, NOTHING can go wrong if you keep your trap shut.


    The great part about your second paragraph is that it sounds from the OP's description that the other guy in question might be thinking EXACTLY the same thing. Two scared/passive closet cases = hot.

    Oh - and nothing can go RIGHT if you keep your trap shut, either. Except maintaining the frustrating status quo.
  • handsoffire

    Posts: 178

    Apr 28, 2009 12:01 AM GMT
    I'd agree with the above statement. The quite ones usually have some fear or shame thing going on with it. Only sexy in porn sadly.

    The best way I have had some one ask me about myself was a lovely lady from south Africa who walked over and sat down next to myself and a friend on the couch with a book of the whole cast and and "hulo there, Jay and I are going to discuss who we think is cute in the cast, Did you want to join the discussion?"

    I thought it was perfect and courteous.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2009 1:59 AM GMT
    This is a hard call. My friend from high school married, but we had a thing going on before, but we never had sex...wanted to tho....
    I came back to see him a few years ago and now he has 3 wonderful girls and his wife...who i love.
    I just tell him the truth. I have always loved him and wanted him, but that never happened.
    He tells me he knows and if things were different he would approach me and love me man on man.
    But it is ok, things just turned out different.
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    Apr 28, 2009 2:15 AM GMT
    You have to make the call on whether you want to come out to your friend. Short of that, what did the two of you do for fun when you were out to visit two summers ago...bars?...movies? If bars, go on line and find a few gay bars near to his location and suggest..."I've heard such and such a bar is a lot of fun; perhaps we should go there one night." Or, if it's movies, see what homo-themed movie (e.g., Brokeback Mountain...even if it's an old one, it doesn't matter) is palying and suggest you'd like to go see it. At the very least it gets the topic out there. If he bites, play it by ear from there.
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    Apr 28, 2009 3:28 PM GMT
    What is this, 1985? Are you guys next going to recommend wearing a colored hanky or teaching him the secret handshake? I'm disappointed at all of the super-passive (read: wuss) recommendations from a site for Jocks. Why are you all so afraid of being direct? This is starting to sound like the plot of a bad Lifetime Movie for women.

    Don't throw the standard bullshit excuses (he can't handle it, he's going to freak out, he'll hate me) .. if you're too afraid to tell him, then admit it and deal with your fear so that you can conquer it and get past it. People who tell themselves that they're justified in avoiding tough conversations puss out by saying the other person can't handle it when in reality they need to look at themselves.
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    Apr 28, 2009 3:38 PM GMT
    I would only tell for these two reasons:

    If he makes rude comments about gays that you see in passing on the street.

    If he asks you if you are chances if he does he already knows a nd just wants confirmation.

    Otherwise I don't see the need it's just a visit.
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    Apr 28, 2009 3:48 PM GMT
    Your post makes it seem like you hope he is gay...but your reason isn't very clear. Do you want to form a bond through your sexuality and therefore similar experiences in life (which is positive) or are you looking for something else and pretending that this isn't the case?? What are the "gay things instead of just hanging out" that you mentioned?

    Coming out is a sensitive issue when telling certain people. I really do believe in being both direct and honest but also careful with how you tell others. You certainly don't want to distance yourself because you came out the wrong way. The point of the trip doesn't look like its for romantic purposes so you don't need to tell him/them anything beforehand or even during. However, on your last day of visiting, I don't see anything wrong with taking your friend aside and being honest and straightforward with him face to face. Make sure you let him know that you were not sure how he would take it (maybe due to his beliefs and that you respect him and his beliefs as his friend) and that your sexual orientation doesn't change how you feel about him as your friend. No need to sneak around and look for clues because he will pick up on it and you will look shady. If he is gay, and feels comfortable with how u handle yourself, he may be just as honest back or he may be closeted....point is- in his own time. You'll only get the real answers from him that you are looking for if you are the real person you want him to be towards you.

    Hope this helps.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Apr 28, 2009 3:57 PM GMT
    I'm of the "If it comes up, be honest" opinion. Don't hide who you are, don't censor yourself and don't lie, but don't make a big production out of it. If it naturally comes up, just say it like it's no big deal - because it isn't. Though you may want a back-up plan of hotels just in case.
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    Apr 28, 2009 5:28 PM GMT
    I agree with a lot of the guys above me here............and I go with the * need to know basis* in a case like this. You don't want to upset the apple cart during your visit - you don't want to have to leave early or find a hotel. Just be a cool guest - staying away from topics like religion, politics, sex unless you find yourself amongst congenial people who seem to be expressing the same ideas you have. That's just being a good guest.
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    Apr 28, 2009 5:34 PM GMT
    You guys have given great feedback, thank you.

    I am not looking to date him, but our friendship would be deeper I think. I welcome more thoughts and of course, I'll let you know what happens when all is said and done.
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    Apr 28, 2009 6:19 PM GMT
    Jockbod48 saidI agree with a lot of the guys above me here............and I go with the * need to know basis* in a case like this. You don't want to upset the apple cart during your visit - you don't want to have to leave early or find a hotel. Just be a cool guest - staying away from topics like religion, politics, sex unless you find yourself amongst congenial people who seem to be expressing the same ideas you have. That's just being a good guest.


    Just be sure and bring a gigantic garbage bag for when the huge elephant in the room craps all over the place.
  • Tiller66

    Posts: 380

    Apr 28, 2009 6:45 PM GMT
    Well I would go with either waiting until it comes up or telling him when you get ready to leave.If he asks why you did'nt bring it up before tell him I just don't want to lose a friend.If he's really a good friend to you and/or in the closet himself he'll probully just take it in stride.Well whatever you deside to do Good Luckicon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 20, 2009 8:36 PM GMT
    Just as a quick follow-up, he knows now. While in LA he and his brother made some discouraging comments. I sent him and some other friends a coming out email and he called and apologized for things he had said and expressed that he wanted to still be great friends, etc. It worked out even if not how I expected.