Calling back. Important for friendships?

  • maximumrisk

    Posts: 799

    Apr 28, 2009 1:29 AM GMT
    Hey Guys,

    I somehow keep befriending people that apparently dont give a shit about me. Okay, I know that people in Guatemala tend to make things bigger then they are, but is it to much to ask to return Calls or message at some time even if your not on the friend level? I dont even leave messages on the Mobilebox anymore since in my 3 years here I cant remember that anyone ever reactet. Messages and else get answerd as long as you dont know the person for a week or so.

    I jsut dont know if a Relationship or Friendship is worth persuing if people dont care enough to pick up the phone or call back.
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    Apr 28, 2009 1:34 AM GMT
    hey dude,

    forget about those people. I have the same problem as you do (extending yourself to not get it returned) but all I do is go meet more people. For every 50 people I meet, one of them sticks. That one person makes it worth it. The important thing is to not get discouraged when people don't respond, it is their hang up and not yours. Eventually social and outgoing people find each other no matter what their environment is. If they don't call back, chances are they didn't care, so you shouldn't too.
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    Apr 28, 2009 4:34 AM GMT
    I feel exactly the same way. If fact, 3 friends of mine and I went out to dinner Saturday night and this was a topic of conversation-Me feeling like I am the only one who can communicate or knows how to return a phone call and all of these text messages be damned. If you can take the time to spell out umpteen thousand letters for a text, you can damn well dial 10 number and use your voice. I have the same problems with my roommates and it isnt about petty things. We are talking about mutual bills that when paid late affect my credit rating, which is prompting me to just screw mankind and live by myself.....Well, that is a bit extreme. But consider how impersonable people are today? It's ridiculous. I give most folks 3 calls. If they don't call back, I don't call them anymore.
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    Apr 28, 2009 5:52 AM GMT
    I have the three- call/text/email rule. First unreturned, the person is busy. Second, the person is inconsiderate/has bad manners. Third, they're passively-aggressively telling you to fuck off. So, I do. And they never hear from me again.
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    Apr 28, 2009 5:58 AM GMT
    I have a best friend for 14 years now, and he sometimes vanishes for months. At first this infuriated me, and it kind of bugs me still, but I learned to live with this. If the person is close enough it's to not hear from them for a while, because once they reappear, you will pick up right from where you left off. That is my experience at least.
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    Apr 28, 2009 5:59 AM GMT
    There are friends. And there are acquaintances. And there are contacts.

    You need to figure out which of those people belong to which group. Once you get that done, you won't waste your time/effort/emotions on people that aren't your true friends.
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    Apr 28, 2009 5:59 AM GMT
    My rule is that I will ALWAYS call back if there is a voicemail left. If someone calls me but doesn't leave a voicemail, I assume that it wasn't important enough in the first place. This is why, out of probably all of my friends, I almost always leave a voicemail. That's what it's for. "Hey it's Chuck, give me a call back", yknow, says that SOMETHING is up.

    I respond to all of my text messages unless I'm driving. It that case I send something like, "driving, txt ltr" to let them know I' know what's up, but I simply can't have a conversation at the time.

    And I agree, if you're making phone calls and sending messages, and they aren't responding, than it really isn't worth it.
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    Apr 28, 2009 6:06 AM GMT

    In any budding relationship, be it acquaintance, friendship or beyond that, there's always maximum risk involved. Good luck! icon_razz.gif
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    Apr 28, 2009 6:48 AM GMT
    Not returning calls is a big pet peeve of mine. I think it all boils down to complacency. Plain and simple.

    I worked in a profession where I was dependent upon other "professionals" to answer and return my calls in a timely fashion. I did try to send people repeat business, but they seem to get complacent and put you on the back burner which makes both of us look bad. I still do the same work on a more part time basis. Since I'm quite busy with school, and internships I give them 24 hours to return my call. As the economy has gone downhill I've noticed that people are a lot more responsive about getting back to me. Looking at it from a logical standpoint why would you ignore someone's call if it meant it might get you a paycheck faster, and a referral from your client?
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    Apr 28, 2009 12:04 PM GMT
    I agree that this is really terrible. I will extend myself a certain number of times and then I feel the ball is in the other person's court.

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    Apr 28, 2009 12:40 PM GMT
    It is certainly important to a friendship. But perhaps that's the issue - the person doesn't want to be friends and they find it much easier to not call back and hope things die that way.

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    Apr 28, 2009 12:50 PM GMT
    I feel the same way....GOD! if I hear I was busy again I swear I'm going to toss my cookies. No one is that busy, are you on call? Are you a world leader, I think NOT! When I don't return a phone call, I'm very up fron and I will say I was taking nap at the time and I wanted to finish it. Because I love my nappy nap time. But I never let days go by. That's just rude. Now if someone tells me that they are not good about returning phone calls fresh out the gate that's diffrent. I have two to three phone call limit also, as well as a window period inwhich a phone should be returned at a min. 72 hours.
  • SFGeoNinja

    Posts: 510

    Apr 28, 2009 1:24 PM GMT
    I think you answered your own question as to whether these are true friends by having to post your frustrations here. With a true friend, you will never have to worry about them not calling you back (at least not wait more than a few days unless something serious has happened). Perhaps you feel more comfortable calling them 'friends' than they would to you? It's hard to say. In my experience the closer friends you are with someone, the longer you can go without calling them to check in, because you know that you have a solid foundation between the two of you that you can always fall back on. I have friends in Seattle whom I haven't spoken with in months since I've been abroad apart from the occasional email, but I know that as soon as I return our friendship will still be there bc of how good we had left off before.
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    Apr 28, 2009 1:27 PM GMT
    UNLESS you have known the other person for a long time, then screw 'em.

    Yes, if they don't return your calls, over and over again, then it means they aren't bothered about you.
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    Apr 28, 2009 3:40 PM GMT
    Sounds like you are friends with what I call energy vampires.

    Don't waste your time/energy on people who don't reciprocate. There are plenty of people out there who ARE worth you time and energy to dedicate/harbor all the negative energy you're dealing with with the current set of people who ignore you.

    Plus, if you deal with that shit too much, you'll turn into the same type of person that today you can't stand. It's called the Seattle Effect.
  • DJZ77

    Posts: 381

    Apr 29, 2009 7:05 PM GMT
    I agree with some of the other guys posting on here. I too think that it depends on the type of 'Friend' it is. If they truly are friends, you should know them well enough to not let this bother you. Now, in terms of trying to start a relationship, I do feel communication is very important, especially in the beginning. As for me, when I meet new people.. yes I'm friendly and yes I will talk to you, but that does not mean we are friends. A friendship needs time to develop, I can't call you a friend if I don't even know much about you. All in all, what I'm trying to say is... If they don't give a flying fuck about you, do you really want them in your life? I have many acquaintances and about handful that I can really call friends and I'm ok with that. Again, friendships don't happen overnight, they need time to grow!
  • maximumrisk

    Posts: 799

    Apr 29, 2009 7:44 PM GMT
    What made me write this thread was the frustration about 2 Friends I had for about a year. We got pretty well aquinted and we even celebratet Birthdays together. Since the beginning calling one of them was a horror, but didn´t matter since we met the week after and enjoyed the hanging out together like everything would be fine.

    But now i havent really seen them since christmas and the only 2 times we hang out together it was like always. So last weekend I had it and left a Voicemessage saying that I enjoyed the time together and that I am sick of calling into space with no hope of response, so if they want to meet me, they had my number. I feel sad about doing this, but I guess its better then asking myself with every call "why cant someone pick up the phone fi they obviously like you?"

    I got to admit that I get confused here sometimes since Latinos are very good in hiding their real feelings behind a mask, but I thought I got better in differncing those that are sencire and those that are not.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Apr 30, 2009 11:23 PM GMT
    Don't play one-upsmanship with your friends

    If you enjoy being with someone why would you want to make proviso statements like .... "Well he doesn't call me"
    or ... "I called him last"
    If he's a bore or obnoxious then Yeah ... boot him

    But this is more about you than it is about other people
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    May 01, 2009 12:15 AM GMT
    A: I'm not into you.
    B: Why?
    A: Because I've read in "He's just not that into you" that I can only be into someone if he's into me first.
    B: I'm not into you either.
    A: Why?
    B: Because I've read in "He's just not that into you" that I can only be into someone if he's into me first.
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    May 01, 2009 12:42 AM GMT
    maximumrisk saidHey Guys,

    I somehow keep befriending people that apparently dont give a shit about me. Okay, I know that people in Guatemala tend to make things bigger then they are, but is it to much to ask to return Calls or message at some time even if your not on the friend level? I dont even leave messages on the Mobilebox anymore since in my 3 years here I cant remember that anyone ever reactet. Messages and else get answerd as long as you dont know the person for a week or so.

    I jsut dont know if a Relationship or Friendship is worth persuing if people dont care enough to pick up the phone or call back.


    Sounds to me like you need to pick your friends better. Either that, or you're really needy.

    If someone isn't interested, move on. There's 7 BILLION folks in the world, and there's gonna' be more than one you don't hit it off with.

    In this world of way to much animated speech for the sake of being non-offensive folks likely aren't calling you back because they feel it's easier than telling you the truth. While it may be a sissy think to do, that's the sissy-fied world we live in. Artifical pleasantness at all costs. I know, it's stupid, but, that's how it is, especially with some gay folk who think any honesty at all is treason (they seek unconditional acceptance just because they like dick, which of course is beyond stupid.).
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    May 01, 2009 1:21 AM GMT
    I usually send out an email or a call. If I don't hear back then I might try another email at another date which is usually about a couple of weeks. When I am dating someone and I seem to only be the only one calling then I'll stop calling and see if he does.

    If people want to be around you they will be.
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    May 01, 2009 10:49 PM GMT
    I hate to always come back to this, but the importance of this can not be minimized: if it's gay men you are talking about (concerning friendship), most never learned how to be a friend to anyone, even worse; many are emotionally at the maturity level of a 13 year old girl. This is absolutely a losing recipe for any kind of budding friendship: it's at my convenience, when I am not with someone better than you, when I've got nothing else to do, or when I want to feel good about myself so I call you up to go someplace so I can get stared at because I think I look better than you. These are grown men who do this - not 13 year old girls. But they might as well be.

    While I value the discussions I have on here, this is why I have virtually no gay friends in real life. The ones I've met always, always, always flake out. They can't do friendships. They can't do relationships. Thank God they can't have children: they'd have then on diets at 8 years old and have their teeth whitened in 3rd grade. When you've never developed any 'real' people skills that encompass anything long term - you end up driving away anyone who would be good at teaching you some of those skills. Instead, many of us continue the same life that gay men have lived for the past 40 years - anonymity, move every couple years to a city you've heard is 'much better' than where you're currently at, little to no value for friends, because like relationships, these people mean nothing in the end and are replaceable, and the value system is that of 'get whatever I can out of this guy; I won't be living here in 2 years anyways, so I'll never see him again. Who cares!!''.

    Because of this, I seriously do not see gay marriage ever working among the gay men who are adults at this point in time. Maybe the gay men in another 40-50 years who grow up under different circumstances and gender expectations. But right now? A very small percentage will ever reap any of the benefits. Nobody's ever learned how to be honest with other gay people - for most of us, lying and deceit is all we know, along with anonymity. You can't just erase those things in a day or a decade. It's part of a value system or beliefs of how other people deserve to be treated, and how you view yourself in terms of accountability. We are rarely held responsible for how we treat other gay men. If we can't even do friendships with each other, it's unlikely that many of us will find relationships that will last longer than 2-5 years. It's brutal honesty, but a LOT has to change before many of us take this 'marriage is a civil right' thing seriously. Just based on how we treat each other. And our priorities in choosing a partner, if that ever happens.
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    May 01, 2009 11:07 PM GMT
    maximumrisk saidWhat made me write this thread was the frustration about 2 Friends I had for about a year. We got pretty well aquinted and we even celebratet Birthdays together. Since the beginning calling one of them was a horror, but didn´t matter since we met the week after and enjoyed the hanging out together like everything would be fine.

    But now i havent really seen them since christmas and the only 2 times we hang out together it was like always. So last weekend I had it and left a Voicemessage saying that I enjoyed the time together and that I am sick of calling into space with no hope of response, so if they want to meet me, they had my number. I feel sad about doing this, but I guess its better then asking myself with every call "why cant someone pick up the phone fi they obviously like you?"

    I got to admit that I get confused here sometimes since Latinos are very good in hiding their real feelings behind a mask, but I thought I got better in differncing those that are sencire and those that are not.



    You know what, i feel you. i' ve gone through a similar thing myself. You just have to keep your guard at all times; a lot of people nowadays are too self-involved in their lives, thinking the world revolves around them. Live your life, true friends will stick with you no matter what.
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    May 02, 2009 1:26 AM GMT
    Maybe they are just not all that into you -- get over it, and move on!
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    May 02, 2009 7:36 PM GMT
    DuluthMN, what a post! Fortunately I have long term friends. Sometimes I even feel sorry for being so LTR oriented, but it doesn't help that people are made of teflon.